Promise Me

by Kristin Mayer

  “I will. I promise.”

  “We’ll talk later. Let me make the arrangements. I’ll text you. Are you in your car?” There was clicking in the background, like he was typing something.

  “Yes. Thank you.” Because of his unconditional friendship, being there for me without question when I needed someone the most, a few tears escaped the jail I had locked them up in.

  “I’m here for you, Sam, for whatever you need. Just be careful. I’ll be there if you need me, regardless of what I have going on.”

  There was no telling what he had gone through all by himself while he had been on the run. Martin had refused to talk to me about what he had been through because he didn’t want me involved if he ever had to disappear again.

  “Thanks, and I will.”

  I owed him so much for what he was doing for me.

  I pulled off the side of the road. I typed out a text to Allison as I felt the tsunami of emotions building. I could only hold it at bay for so long. Soon enough, I was going to be a complete and total mess when I let the realization of what all I had lost hit me.

  Me: I’m going off the grid for a couple of days. My phone will be off before you have a chance to respond. It’s like what you asked for when you went to Miami. I love you, and I’m okay. Don’t freak out.

  After losing her parents, Allison had gone to Miami just over a year ago. She had used that time to regroup and find herself. She had turned off her phone and focused on herself. It had worked out for her because she had met Damien. Maybe it would work for me, too.

  Next, I entered the address to the hotel into the GPS once Martin had texted me. Turning off my phone, I started driving again and focused on watching the yellow lines on the road as my GPS directed me to Martin’s hotel. My brain was chaotic at this point, and it was difficult to focus on any one thought or emotion, which was probably good.

  I pulled up to the small hotel and opened the car door.

  A middle-aged man in black slacks and a red shirt greeted me at my car door. “Miss Jones, welcome. We will put your car in our employee parking per the instructions. The things you have requested have been delivered to your room. Here’s your key. You are in room two twelve. Is there anything else we can help you with?”

  “No, but thank you for everything.”

  I grabbed the key and walked in. There was no telling what the front desk thought of my appearance. My eyes were probably red from the tears, my feet were bare, and my designer dress was wrinkled. Keeping my head down, I hastily made it to my room and locked the door behind me. This was a small hotel, but it was perfect. I wondered what hoops Martin had made the employees jump through with the immaculate service I had received so far.

  The room had a king-sized bed, a couch, and a two-person small rectangular table. There were two bags on the bed. I looked in, and there were several T-shirts and pairs of yoga pants. The other bag had shampoo, a toothbrush and toothpaste, deodorant, and a brush. Martin had gone above and beyond, and it made another tear fall. The table had some kind of meal on it, but there was no way I could stomach food at this point. Just the thought had it roiling.

  The phone rang, and even though I didn’t want to pick it up, I knew Martin would out me if he wasn’t able to verify I was okay. He’d show up at the door, and I needed to be alone.

  “Hello?”

  Martin breathed a sigh of relief as he said, “Good. You made it.”

  The staff had probably called him the minute I arrived.

  “Are the accommodations okay?”

  “They’re perfect. Thank you for everything.” I knew I sounded like a disconnected robot.

  “Take care, Sam. I’ll let you be, but you better call me the moment you want to resurface. You stay there as long as you need. The front desk will get you anything you need.” His voice was warm, and it reminded me of a voice that I used to find comfort in.

  “Thanks, Martin. You’re a good friend.” I took in a shaky breath.

  “So are you, Sam. Take care.”

  The moment I hung up the phone, I lost it. I knew I was totally by myself now, and there was no chance of someone finding me. My body racked with sobs as I sank to the floor, holding my knees. It felt as though part of my soul had been ripped from me.

  Sitting in that parking lot, prior to Mark leaving, I now knew I had been holding out hope that he would come back to me. There was no way he wanted me now. I replayed our conversation from earlier over and over again, trying to find a symbol of hope, but he had been cold and distant.

  Slowly, I made my way to the shower and scrubbed myself raw, feeling dirty from all I had done at the club. Images continued to plague me, supporting the reasons Mark had left me.

  Crawling into bed, I made myself a promise not to use any vice to cope with what had happened. Every emotion was acute and punched me in the gut repeatedly. After ignoring and subduing them for so many years, they were taking their pound of flesh and then some. I welcomed it. At least I was feeling something and not letting the numbness take over. Pulling the covers over my head, I finally succumbed to a troublesome sleep with visions of what Mark and I would have had if I had done it differently.

  Should’ve.

  Could’ve.

  Would’ve.

  It was a rainy, windy day. The weather matched my mood perfectly. I had woken up hours ago prior to the sunrise, and I was staring at the ceiling. It felt as though I was alone in this world, and there was no beauty in it. My tainted past had won.

  An idea struck me, and I flung the covers off of me. The clock read after one in the afternoon. After putting on clean yoga pants and a T-shirt, I brushed my teeth and put my hair up into a messy ponytail. I looked like shit. There was no denying that with the dark circles under my bloodshot green eyes.

  Picking up the phone, I hit zero for the front desk.

  “Good afternoon, Miss Jones. What can we do for you? We can have food brought in from any restaurant you desire.”

  “Thank you. I need my car. You can let Martin know that I’ll be back this evening.”

  “Yes, Miss Jones. We’ll have it ready for you.”

  “Thanks.”

  I hung up the phone and went to grab my purse, but then I realized that I hadn’t even brought that with me. It was a good thing my dad had always made me keep one hundred dollars as emergency money in my glove box. Making my way to the lobby downstairs, I kept my head toward the ground as it was obvious what the state of my emotions were, and I didn’t want to see the pity stares today.

  As promised, my car was waiting.

  To the hotel employee, I said, “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, Miss Jones. Let us know if you need anything.”

  I nodded and got into the car. My gas tank was full, and muffins were in the passenger seat with coffee in the cup holder. There was a note attached to the muffin bag.

  He was like a brother looking out for me. Forgoing the muffins, I did drink the coffee. It was probably the last thing I needed with no food in my system, but feeding my body only caffeine was soothing nonetheless. I eyed my phone, debating whether or not I should turn it on.

  Nope. I was not going to give myself more heartache at this point. I needed to ground myself first. I wasn’t sure if it was possible, but I had to try before I was available to the outside world.

  The rain was coming down in sheets as I drove. The beating of the water against my car helped drown out what otherwise would be a heartbreaking silence. Before I knew it, I was pulling down the little drive leading to my long-ago-forgotten-by-the-world hidden gem. It was the place where I had confessed my love to Mark, but I drew strength from this place.

  As I pulled up and put the car in park, the weather was trying to wreak havoc on the place. The wind blew, the rain poured down, and the thunder threatened it, but my pond stood strong. It withstood any elements that came at it. It wore its scars proudly. I tried to summon the same courage it had.

  Hours passed as I watched my safe haven
take a beating. I would always mourn the loss of Mark. He had been my true north. Just like my special place, I knew I would survive, even with a permanently broken heart. I was relieved that I didn’t feel the need to find a coping mechanism.

  Getting out of my car, I tilted my face up into the rain, letting it pelt and soak me. I walked to the front of my car and leaned against it, enjoying the freeing feeling passing over me, as I endured the storm with the place I loved. At one point, the rain was coming down so hard that it stung me, but I stood there, embracing it, finding my inner strength. At least the numbness I normally felt hadn’t surfaced. I felt everything acutely.

  “Sam?”

  I turned at my name being yelled, and there stood Mark to the side of his truck in the same jeans and T-shirt he had worn last night when he left me. It seemed like an illusion, and I wiped the rain from my eyes, wanting to ensure I hadn’t become delusional in my tired state.

  He jogged up and stopped just short of me. “Thank God you’re okay.”

  The rain was starting to soak him, too. He looked about as bad as I did. He had dark circles under his eyes. Fatigue had clearly claimed his features.

  “What are you doing here?” My voice shook, and my body shuddered as I realized how cold I was.

  Time had completely stood still while I had been here.

  He was completely drenched at this point, but his green eyes continued to penetrate me like they always had. “Damn it, you’re freezing. Please come get in the truck, so you can warm up before you get sick.”

  I simply nodded, and he reached for my hand. Part of me wanted to yell at him for how hurt I was, and the other part wanted to see him one last time before he finished it for good. Putting my hand in his, my body felt that connection, and I longed for it to be forever. I stopped my way of thinking immediately. Dwelling on something that was gone was pointless. He led me to the passenger side of the truck and opened the door for me. I climbed in and felt how chilled to the bone I was as my body started shaking, trying to warm itself. My hair was matted against my face. Mark climbed in and put the heat on full blast. He leaned over the console and reached toward the backseat to grab the duffel bag we had taken to the first day of the photo shoot.

  He pulled out a T-shirt and handed it to me. “Here, put this on, so you’ll warm up quicker.”

  “I-I’m o-o-kay.” I was so confused as to why he was here, sounding caring and loving like he had prior to finding out about the club.

  “Sam, please, I don’t want you to get sick.”

  I reached for the shirt and laid it beside me on the console. He had already seen everything, so it wasn’t worth asking him to turn around. It didn’t matter at this point. I pulled my shirt over my head and quickly put on his. Not having the freezing fabric clinging to me did feel a hundred times better.

  As soon as I finished changing, Mark asked, “Where did you go? I’ve been half-crazy, looking for you all night.”

  Staring straight ahead, I reminded myself of the strength this place had. “After what happened, I needed time to process, so I went somewhere and then came here.”

  “What were you processing?” He sounded sad.

  Is he serious? He walked out and left me. Why does he sound hurt?

  “Us and what happened. I saw you leave the club,” I said, my voice cracking. I closed my eyes while I continued to find my inner strength.

  “You went to the club?” His voice sounded disbelieving and hurt, which only added to the confusion in my head.

  The rain battered around us as little shivers continued through my body while my teeth lightly chattered.

  “Yes, I went to see what happened when you walked out.”

  “Did you stay?” His voice was low and cautious.

  I darted my eyes over to him, and he was looking me over. One hand started to reach for me, but he put it back in his lap.

  “Do you mean, did Adam invite me in to fuck me?” My tone had a bit of a bite to it, and the intake of his breath had me regretting it. “Sorry, I’m exhausted. I didn’t mean it.”

  He took a deep breath. “I talked to Adam for a bit. I told him about the picture of you that had been taken and how I came across it. I asked him how that could have happened, considering the club is supposed to be elite and exclusive.”

  I was beyond baffled as to where this was going. He was ripping this Band-Aid off the slowest way possible, causing the most agony.

  He continued, “He was pissed that someone had taken your pic. I forwarded a copy to him. Adam said he would handle it and leave my name out of it in order to protect you. He said you’d never have to worry about it again and that your identity would remain hidden.”

  Hell was about to rain down on whoever had taken that photo. Adam took his club seriously, and he had always been protective of me. I could only imagine the ass-whipping he would bring. Still, none of this made sense in regard to why Mark had walked out on me, left me, abandoned me.

  “I don’t understand why you’re telling me all this. You don’t have to explain to me why it’s over between us. I get it. I saw how it affected you.”

  Mark looked at me like I had grown two heads. “Sam, it’s not over between us.”

  “But…but…you left me. You were cold and distant, and then you left me without any explanation. You came out of the club and beat the shit out of your steering wheel before driving off in the opposite direction of the condo. That clearly defies everything you’ve told me, that my past didn’t bother you and that you’d love me regardless. You left me. You stopped talking to me. You left me…alone.” My bottom lip quivered as I relived those painful moments.

  His hand came out and grabbed mine. “I’m so sorry, Sam. It’s just…” He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, and then reopened them, focusing intently on me. “When I saw that picture of you and found out where it had been taken, I’ll admit that it shocked me. Then, hearing Dustin talk about you sexually nearly had me coming unglued. Knowing I had actually wanted to make love to you in that red wig made me sick. Realizing you had kept that part of yourself from me hurt. I didn’t react in the best way.

  “When I left I needed to make sure your identity was protected—not for me but for you. You’ve been through enough in your life. You deserve to have every moment filled with nothing but happiness. I needed something to do, to give me time to process. I was thinking about how I was going to convince you to stay with me, to promise me your love. I should have stayed. I should have stripped you down and talked it out without any barriers, but I panicked, thinking that I wasn’t enough for you, that you wanted that free lifestyle over me.”

  I started rubbing my temples in a clockwise motion, trying to relieve the building pressure. He sounded as if he still wanted me. A person who no longer wanted someone wouldn’t say those things.

  Thinking back on all of Edna’s advice about communicating, I said, “Adam saw me outside the club and texted me, asking me to come in.” I heard Mark’s teeth mashing together. “I told him bye and drove off. Whatever appeal the club had for me is gone. I hadn’t thought about the club at all until Adam texted me while your parents were in town. I wanted the club to stay in the past. I had spent so much time being a prisoner of my past that I wanted to move forward. Any desire for that lifestyle left the minute I became yours. I know I’m not yours anymore, but you deserve to know that you were more than enough for me.”

  “Hop in the backseat, Sam.”

  That stopped my temple massaging as I gawked at him. What in the world is he talking about?

  Lightning flashed across the sky.

  “Sam, please get in the backseat. You’re not hearing what I’m saying.”

  Climbing over the console, I got in the backseat on the far right side. He followed and pulled another T-shirt out of his bag before quickly switching his wet one for a dry one.

  I miss him.

  I miss his touch.

  I miss being his.

  He looked at me. “Sam, this is n
ot going to work with you over there. We are going to feel each other while we talk.”

  In one motion, he picked me up and brought me to his lap. Our connection intensified, and my heart started humming underneath my skin. I never thought I’d be in his arms again. His arms came around me and secured me closer to him. Our faces were mere inches apart. The truck smelled of rain. The rain continued to pelt the truck, putting us in our own little bubble.

  His finger came up and grazed my cheek as he softly said, “The first thing we need to get out of the way is that we are not over.”

  “But—”

  He cut me off as one hand grabbed my chin, making sure I was looking directly in his eyes. “No buts. I reacted in a shitty way. I’ll always be sorry for that. I’ll never walk out on you again. I love you, Sam.”

  The image of his taillights as he had driven away flooded my mind. I felt the heartbreak all over again, trying to protect myself against the hope I was feeling. I tried to move my face, but he firmly held on to it.

  Staring into the depths of his green eyes, I told him what I was thinking, “Why did you go the opposite way?”

  “I had to get something, and then I drove straight back to our place. When I got there and saw your car was gone, I realized what I had done. I haven’t stopped looking for you. I’ve been up all night, going to every place I could think of where you might be.”

  His phone rang, and he pulled it out of his wet jeans. He looked at the screen. “Sam, let me answer this. It’s Allison. She and Damien have been helping me look for you.”

  I cringed, thinking about stressing Allison out. Damien was going to have my ass.

  Mark answered, “Hey, I found her. Yes, she’s fine. I’ll let you know as soon as she answers me. Thanks, Allison.” He dropped the phone on the floor and focused his attention back on me. “Only Allison and Damien knew you were gone. I didn’t call your parents. I drove by there, and Allison called covertly.”

  I had been so selfish with how I reacted. A broken heart could cause the strangest reactions that didn’t necessarily make sense.