Because of Logan

by Erica Alexander

  Someone bumps into me, pushing me into Logan.

  “Sorry,” the guy apologizes.

  “Oh, dude, you got two of them. Wanna share one with me? I’ll take the brunette.”

  He’s clearly drunk and not too steady on his feet. Logan’s body goes rigid next to mine. I squeeze his arm to let him know it’s okay. The last thing we need is to get into a fight five minutes into this party. Before Logan can say anything, River steps up to the guy and puts her hand on his shoulder. She leans closer to him and whispers something in his ear.

  The guy is all smiles when he walks away.

  The confusion on Logan’s face is a reflection of mine.

  “What did you do?” I ask.

  “I told him to get us a couple of beers and to go wait for me in the bathroom on the third floor. Hide in the bathtub, and I would be up in ten minutes.”

  “What the fuck!”

  Logan takes the words right out of my mouth.

  “River!” I say.

  River gives him a dirty look.

  “I have no intention of going up there, but he’ll get the beers, go wait for me, get bored, drink them, and pass out in that bathtub. And tomorrow, if he remembers anything, he’ll think it was a dream. Meanwhile, he’s not bugging anyone else.”

  She points at Logan.

  “And Mr. Handcuffs didn’t have to badge up.”

  River turns and walk around the house to the backyard.

  Logan looks at me and says, “How did your parents survive her?”

  “I heard that!” she calls out.

  Logan gets us drinks, beer for him and River and a soda for me. I still don’t like the bitter taste of beer. There are quite a few people I know here, and every time one of my male friends gets closer to say something, Logan’s arm tightens around me. River stays near us, talking to her friends. Until Becca shows up.

  “I’m going to hang out with Becca.”

  “Okay, be careful.”

  I don’t understand her friendship with Becca. It seems so one-sided for me. Becca has let River down more times than I can remember, but River says Becca needs her friendship. She doesn’t really share what Becca’s deal is, but I get the feeling she has a lot of skeletons in her closet.

  We’ve been around for a couple of hours, hanging out, talking, people watching, and making out a little when River comes back to where we’re sitting by the fire pit. Logan is on a lawn chair, and I’m on his lap.

  He’s finally relaxed, and it has nothing to do with drinking. He had just the one beer when we got here and switched to water after. I think it’s me sitting on his lap. The possessive way his hands are on my back and thigh are sending the message that I’m taken, which puts him at ease. No guys are looking at me with interest. Logan’s intense glaring at a couple of guys before made them get up and leave. It’s mostly couples around the fire.

  River comes around the circle of people and kneels on the grass next to us.

  “Skye, I need to talk to you.”

  Logan is on alert, his body tensing under me.

  “What is it? Did someone do anything to you?” he asks before I have a chance to.

  “No, nothing like that. I just want to talk to Skye.”

  I can feel curious eyes on us, and so can Logan. He glances around and people turn away and go back to talking among themselves. He really has this intimidating look thing working for him.

  I’m trying to read River’s face and see what this is about.

  “Give me a minute?”

  Logan nods. I get up and walk a few yards with River but stay where he can see me. She doesn’t waste any time.

  “Blake is here.”

  “What?”

  “Blake is here. I just saw him with a guy from the football team. I heard them talking. He transferred here last week.”

  “And he’s here at this party right now?”

  “Yes, he’s inside. He didn’t see me. I figured you’d want to know and maybe leave?”

  “I don’t want to see him. Especially when I’m dressed like this.”

  River winces. She remembers now.

  “This fucking costume. Sorry, Skye. I forgot all about it. You were wearing it when he asked you out back in high school, right?”

  “Yeah, that’s okay, River. The clothes didn’t make him the asshole he is.”

  “Oh, shit. You were wearing it when you met Jon too. Fuck. I’m really sorry. I'll burn it as soon as we get back home. This thing is cursed.”

  “I don’t know. Logan seems to like it.”

  “What are we going to say to him?”

  “The truth. I don’t want to lie to Logan. Blake is in the past, and he doesn’t matter. Hasn’t mattered for years.”

  I look at the man in question and Logan is walking to us.

  “Everything okay?” he asks, his fingers twisting around one of my pigtails, and not for the first time. He’s been doing it all night.

  “Hi.”

  I go on my tiptoes and kiss him.

  “Can we leave?”

  “Sure, we can go.”

  “I’m staying,” River says.

  “How are you going to get home?”

  “I’m driving Becca to her dorm. She’s drunk, and I want to get her out of here before she does something stupid. I have her car keys.”

  “You good to drive?”

  Logan asks her, looking for the telltale signs of inebriation.

  “Yes, I only had one beer, and I didn’t even finish it.”

  After a prolonged examination, he’s satisfied that she’s sober.

  “Okay, go get your friend. We’ll wait and walk you to the car.”

  River looks back at the house and at me.

  “No need. I’ll just grab Becca and leave. I have my cell on me. I’ll text Skye when we’re in the car and then again when I get her into her room. I might crash there. I’ll let you know.”

  Logan’s eyes narrow on us. It doesn’t take a trained cop to figure out we’re hiding something.

  “What’s going on?”

  I look at River.

  “I’ll tell you when we get home.”

  Logan doesn’t push. His hand goes to the small of my back, and he guides me to the side of the house and out to the sidewalk where he stops to take his jersey off and pull it over my head.

  “You’re shivering.”

  It’s colder now. I didn’t feel it while sitting on his lap and by the fire pit, but now that I have neither heat source, the night chill is catching up with me. He has a white T-shirt on. I’m glad his body is not on display for any of the many girls I caught looking at him tonight. Okay, it’s a little hypocritical, since my body has been on display for hours now. I know.

  We make our way to the car in silence. We drove my car since it's a lot smaller than Logan’s truck, and with the limited amount of space, it’s easier to park. He opens the passenger door for me first and goes around to take the driver seat. We sit for a couple of minutes as the car warms up. The clock on the dashboard says it’s nearly midnight. We’ve been out longer than I thought.

  “Hungry?” he asks.

  “I could eat.”

  Then I look at myself.

  “Not exactly dressed for dinner.”

  “It’s Halloween. No one will care, and my shirt goes nearly to your knees.”

  “True. Okay, then. Feed me, Seymour.”

  He laughs.

  “I was thinking of something less Little Shop of Horrors and more like Ratatouille.”

  He brings me to a 24-hour diner near the campus. I don’t stick out as much as I thought I would. The place is busy for being this late at night, and more than half of the occupants have costumes on. We’re told to sit wherever we want, and Logan finds a corner booth away from most of the diners.

  My phone buzzes against my belly. Like River, I had it stuck inside my skirt and forgot all about it. I pull it from under Logan’s jersey.

  River: Got Becca. Driving to her dorm now. Will
spend the night with her.

  Skye: Is she okay?

  River: I don’t know. I’ll call you if anything changes.

  Skye: Okay. Text me in the morning. I’ll pick you up.

  “It’s River. She’s okay. Driving Becca to her dorm.”

  The waitress comes, and without looking at the menu, Logan orders pancakes and coffee. I get the same.

  He looks at me and waits. I love him for being so patient. This man who never pushes me and gives me the space I need, who puts me in control of every aspect of our relationship, not because he’s a follower and can’t make a decision but because he’s a leader and knows that sometimes, the best way to lead is to let someone else take charge.

  He gave me the confidence to take charge, to make choices, and in doing so, he gave me control not over him or our relationship, but over myself. I’ve always leaned on others. First my parents, then my sister. I leaned on Blake and he pushed me when I wasn’t ready. Logan has never made feel like I didn’t have a choice. He gave me something I had no idea I needed. Myself.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  The waitress brings us coffee and leaves. Skye is sitting across the table from me. The high back on the fake red and white leather booth hides us from the rest of the diner. I purposely picked this spot. I have a feeling Skye won’t want anyone else to hear her. I wait.

  She adds sugar to her mug and stirs it before taking a sip of her coffee. I drink mine black. I welcome the bitterness. A few more minutes go by, and the waitress brings our pancakes and a jar of syrup. As if sensing we want to be left alone, she drops the check on the table and tells us we can pay on the way out. She doesn’t ask if we want anything else, and I notice that when a group of people comes in, she steers them away from our section.

  Skye picks up her fork and cuts through the stack of pancakes in front of her without adding any syrup to it. I add some of the sweet sticky stuff to my plate and hold the jar. She nods, and I pour some over hers as well.

  “When River came to us and asked to talk, it was because she saw someone we know at the party. Someone I didn’t want to see again.”

  I take a bite and wait for her to continue. Skye plays with her food but doesn’t eat.

  “The person she saw is my ex, Blake. My high school boyfriend.”

  “I guess it didn’t end well.”

  She laughs without humor.

  I point at her plate.

  “Take a bite. They’re good.”

  She eats, and I do the same.

  “No, it didn’t end well at all.”

  She sighs and puts her fork down.

  “Blake was my first real boyfriend. I had a crush on him for a couple of years, but I was always very shy and he never even looked at me. I mean, why would he? Blake was the captain of the football team and had all the girls after him. He could have any of them, and he had them all, if the talk in the girls’ locker room was to be believed.”

  “Why wouldn’t he notice you? You’re beautiful, Skye.”

  She looks at me like she wants to believe the words I say but doesn’t know how.

  “I was the awkward, super-skinny book nerd with braces until the summer before senior year. Believe me, no boys looked at me like that. Especially not when River was around. She always had a huge circle of friends and boys asking her out.”

  “Did it bother you? That your sister got all the attention?”

  “No, not really. I was glad. I wouldn’t know what to do with the attention. And River didn’t do it on purpose. People are just drawn to her. It’s always been like that. And if you tell her that, she’ll say you’re crazy. She doesn’t see it.”

  “Go on.”

  “So, senior year of high school, I finally shed the braces and grew some boobs.”

  She blushes. I smile, my eyes dipping to her chest, but my large jersey does a great job of hiding her body.

  “River dragged me to a Halloween party, which just so happens was at Blake’s house. And we had these same cheerleader outfits on.”

  She gestures at herself.

  “Let me guess. This Blake kid noticed you.”

  Yeah, I call him a kid, because I already hate the guy and don’t want to make him more than he is.

  “Yes, he did. I later found out that he wanted River, but she was dating one of his teammates then. That’s how she got into the party. Her boyfriend took her, and she took me. Blake didn’t really socialize with the non-popular kids. As popular as River was, they never shared a class together, and Blake didn’t notice her until that night. We only have one high school in our town, and it had well over a thousand students.”

  Skye takes a couple of bites of her pancakes and drinks her coffee. She has a distant look in her eyes, lost in the past.

  “So Blake notices me for the first time. I was elated. We’d had a couple of classes together before, but of course, he didn’t remember me. I never registered on his radar before. We started dating after that. River didn’t trust him and told me so. Her boyfriend warned her about Blake. Said I should be careful with him. He’d heard stories.”

  “What kind of stories?”

  “That he’d forced himself on other girls.”

  “What’s his full name?”

  She hesitates for a moment but answers.

  “Blake James Scott.”

  I pull my iPhone from my pocket, unlock it, and open the Notes app.

  “What’s his birthday?”

  Sky looks confused.

  “May thirty. Why?”

  “Year?”

  I make a note of everything she’s saying on the app.

  “He’s my age, so it has to be 1997?”

  She answers it like a question.

  “Which college is he going to?”

  “He was going to UV, but River said she overheard a conversation and he’s transferred over here. Why are you asking all these questions?”

  I think about being evasive or not answering her, but she’s been nothing but honest with me and she deserves the same from me.

  “I just want to check on him. Make sure he doesn’t have any felonies on him. Can’t help it. I’m a cop.”

  I smile and finish my coffee. Most of the pancake is uneaten. I take a couple more bites to give her time to finish her story.

  She mulls over what I said for a minute or two and continues.

  “Where was I? Oh, yeah. River warned me away from him. I got mad at her. For the first time, I had a boy interested in me, and I told her she was jealous. Which, of course, she wasn’t, but I was young and stupid and thought myself in love, and Blake was persuasive. He was manipulative. I can see it now. I couldn’t back then. We dated for months. Whatever little confidence I gained by his attention, he’d tear down, little by little. It was never obvious or blatant. It was little comments here and there. He’d say something about what I was wearing or about my hair, about my lack of makeup. And I’d try to do and be what I thought he wanted because I needed him to like me. I was convinced if I did what he wanted, if I looked the part, he’d love me. He said as much. And in my naiveté, I believed him.”

  She takes a sip of her coffee. Both of our mugs are now empty. I wave at the waitress, who’s keeping her distance but still paying attention to us, and she brings a carafe and refills our mugs.

  When she leaves, Skye picks up where she stopped.

  “Blake flirted with other girls in front of me and made jokes about my lack of experience. And I’m sure he was cheating from day one. I was a challenge, the innocent virgin girl he wanted just so he could say he did it and nothing more. With every passing month, he pressured me more and more to have sex. I wasn’t ready. I was beginning to see that he was not what I thought. He would run hot and cold. River tried to make me see the truth, but it only made me want to prove her wrong more. In the end, I gave in. It was spring, before prom. I assumed we were going together. We’d been dating for six months, the longest he’d been with anyone. It just so happens that it was because I took
the longest to give in. Two weeks before prom, he took me to his house. I’d been there before when his family was around. But they were away that week. His father was on a business trip and his mom went with him. His older sister was away at college. I hadn’t realized we’d be alone. I can’t say if I had known, I wouldn’t have gone. I had my head in the clouds thinking about prom and imagining the perfect date. Naïve, remember?”

  She laughs again, and the sound is bitter and filled with self-deprecation.

  “So, anyway. Here we are, alone in his house, and he puts on a movie and brings me a wine cooler. I felt so mature, drinking alcohol with my boyfriend. I was tipsy before I finished the bottle. Next thing I know, I’m naked and he’s on top of me.”

  Anger rises within me until it’s burning a hole in my chest with the need to explode. I contain myself. I still my face and hold it all in. The last thing I want is for Skye to think this rage is directed at her. I wait another minute until I’m sure none of it will show in my voice. Skye doesn’t look at me. I can feel her discomfort. I want to reach out to her and hold her tight, but I’m not sure this is what she needs right now.

  “Do you think he drugged you?”

  “No, I know he didn’t. He gave me a sealed bottle. I opened it myself. I drank it of my own volition. I can’t say he forced himself on me. As much as I’d like to blame someone else for that night, I did it to myself. I allowed it to happen. He kept going, and I never asked him to stop. I may not have been sober, but I was aware enough. I knew what was happening. He never asked if it was okay and I didn’t ask him to stop. I just let it happen. Part of me was glad it would be over with. No longer a virgin. A bigger part of me wanted him to stop, but I said nothing. I can’t blame him. It was as much my responsibility as it was his.”

  Knowing this now makes me really glad I never pushed Skye, not that I ever would, but our experience was the complete opposite of what she’d had with her asshole ex. I let her make the decisions and asked if she was sure every step of the way.

  “I’m not sure I agree with you. Yes, you played a part in it, but he didn’t want to stop, and I’m not sure he would have stopped if you’d asked him to. He knew what he was doing. He planned it.”