Because of Logan

by Erica Alexander

  She nods in agreement.

  “It was . . . it was bad. It was painful and awkward. He didn’t take his time. I think he was in a hurry to get it done with before I could come to my senses and ask him to stop. He told me to get dressed and drove me home after. He didn’t even kiss me goodbye. Just dropped me at the door and drove away before I even got inside the house. I didn’t see him the next day. He texted me and said he was busy with football and he’d call me later.”

  I tell myself to stick to the facts and leave emotions out of this. Stay focused.

  “Please tell me he used a condom.”

  “He did the first time.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “A couple of days later, he texted me and told me to meet him after class. I met him in the parking lot and we drove to his house again. We messed around, and I didn’t have the excuse of a wine cooler this time, but I thought it’s not like I’m a virgin anymore, so nothing to lose. I was so wrong.”

  Tears fill her eyes. I’m ready to hunt this asshole down and beat him within inches of his life.

  “We went to his room this time. It was early, so his parents weren’t home yet. I saw him grab a condom, I saw him tear the foil open, and I saw him put it on. But at some point, without my realizing it, he took it off. After, I went to the bathroom. I got scared. I thought the condom broke and told him. And he laughed. He said it didn’t break. He took it off. I got angry. He said everyone was doing it and I should get over it. He called it stealthing. I’d never heard of it before. I asked him to take me home. He did. When we got home, I told him I needed some space. I needed a break. I wasn’t okay with what he did. I told him maybe by the time prom came around, I’d be okay again. Stupid, I know. He laughed at me and said he had no intention of taking me to the prom, that I could take all the time I needed because I was a lousy lay and a prude. He told me to get out of his car and never call him again.”

  I heard about stealthing. It happens when a man removes the condom without his partner’s knowledge, turning a consensual act into a non-consensual one. It’s happening more and more. Forget about beating the shit out of the asshole. I want to kill him. With my bare hands.

  “I held my tears until I got in the house. Luckily, my parents were busy with the farm and didn’t see me when I got in, but River was home, and as soon as I saw her, the dam broke and the tears came. I told her everything that happened between sobs, and she somehow got me upstairs and in the bathroom. She helped me into the shower and washed me like a baby while I cried. She told me to cry all I wanted while in the shower and to wash every vestige of Blake off my body. But when I was done, that would be it. No more tears for that asshole. The next day was a Saturday, and she took me to a Planned Parenthood clinic two towns over. Luckily, I didn’t get pregnant. They told me it just wasn’t the right time in my cycle and that it was unlikely, but they gave me the plan B pills anyway and did a blood test. They told me what to look for and to come back in a month. I was lucky. He didn’t give me any STIs, and I didn’t get pregnant. But whatever little confidence I had, he shattered.”

  There’s a catch in her voice, and I can tell how very difficult this is for her still.

  “River wanted to kill him. Going back to school after the weekend was the hardest thing I ever did. I was afraid he’d say something or spread rumors. He didn’t. He looked at me once in the cafeteria, turned away, and nearly ran out of it. No words from him, no gossip. People thought I broke up with him. I don’t know how or what happened, but for the next six weeks, until we graduated, every time he saw me or River, he turned and walked the other way. I know River did something to shut him up, to make him so scared. He wouldn’t even look at me. I have no idea what. She never told me. And knowing my sister, it could be anything.”

  “She’s badass.”

  “That she is. I pity the guy who pisses her off.”

  I laugh.

  “She told me she’d cut my balls off with a rusty, dull knife if I ever hurt you.”

  “No, she didn’t!”

  “Yes, she did. Her exact words were, ‘If you ever hurt my sister, cop or no cop, I’ll cut your balls off with a rusty, dull knife and feed them to you. Do we have an understanding?’”

  “Gosh, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. Like I said, badass. I’m glad you have her in your corner. Not everyone is lucky enough to have someone who cares.”

  “I’m glad too.”

  “Now, I’m really curious to know what she said to the asshole. You think she’ll tell me if I ask nicely?”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Logan stayed over. He held me all night, and even though I could feel how hard he was at my back, he didn’t try to have sex. He just held me and told me to sleep. I think it’s his way of telling me that what we have is more than sex. He’s in my corner too.

  I wake up to a text from River, saying all is well and she’ll be home soon. I don’t need to pick her up. I can hear Logan in the bathroom. He comes into my room a few minutes later, wearing boxer briefs and nothing else. I smile. He leans over me and kisses my forehead. I can smell my toothpaste on his breath. He’s getting dressed.

  “Hungry?” I ask him.

  “Always.”

  “Give me a minute,” I call to him as I make my way to the bathroom.

  He waits for me, sitting on the bed. I walk to him and stand between his legs. Holding his face, I kiss him. He smiles into the kiss. His hands reach under the long enough to be a dress T-shirt I’m wearing and squeeze my ass. I don’t feel the need to get dressed. I’m comfortable and at ease around Logan.

  “Come, I’ll make us breakfast.”

  “Did you hear from your sister?”

  “Yes, she texted me. She’s on her way home now.”

  Logan sits at the counter with a cup of coffee and watches me gather things to make us breakfast. The front door opens and River comes in. She’s in sweats and a hoodie. I recognize Becca’s clothing. They’re small on River, as Becca is closer to my height and size than River’s. She drops a bag and her heels on the floor as she walks into the kitchen.

  “How’s Becca?”

  “Becca . . . you know how she gets. Becca is being extra Becca lately.”

  I don’t really know how Becca gets. River is good at keeping secrets, her own and others’. What I do know of Becca is what I’ve witnessed and whatever gossip I heard by accident. Other people talking. Not River.

  She sits at the counter next to Logan. Every so often, my old doubts show their ugly little heads. I give her a coffee and take a sip of my own.

  “Hey, how’s everything?”

  She watches us, searching for signs of distress.

  “Everything is good, River. We talked. I told Logan everything about what happened with Blake.”

  “Everything?”

  “Everything. Except what you did to scare him off, because I still don’t know what you did.”

  “Oh, that.”

  She takes a sip of her coffee and smirks over the cup. She’s lost in thought.

  “Yeah, that was kind of crazy. It was funny, though.”

  “What happened?”

  Both Logan and I ask at the same time.

  “You really want to know?”

  “River! Tell me now. You’ve been holding out for years. There has to be a statute of limitations on secrets of revenge against a sister’s exes.”

  “Okay.” She sighs.

  “That day, after everything that happened, you fell asleep. Before Mom and Dad came home, I called Doctor Taylor.”

  I interrupt River to explain to Logan what she meant. “Doctor Taylor is a vet. He cares for our animals and most of the farm animals around Apple Hill.”

  River picks up where she stopped.

  “I asked Doctor Taylor if he’d have any geldings in the next couple of days. And luckily for me, he had a couple of colts to geld Monday morning at the Andersons’.”

  I look at Logan and explain.


  “The Andersons are the next farm over. Their land abuts ours.”

  “Geldings?” Logan asks.

  “Castrating,” I clarify.

  He winces.

  River smirks at him before she goes on.

  “They have a horse breeding farm and a stable where they do horse riding lessons, work with special needs kids, stuff like that. Some of their horses and ponies are gelded as to be more tame and easier for beginner riders.”

  She stops to take a sip of her coffee, and I grow impatient.

  “So, I told Doctor Taylor I had this biology project and needed a couple of testicles for it and asked if I could tag along in the morning before I went to school.”

  She looks at me.

  “You know Doctor Taylor always had a soft spot for me.”

  It's true. Doctor Taylor has three sons, and he always said River was the daughter he never had. He has high hopes one of his boys will catch River’s eye. I wouldn’t put my money on it.

  “So, I got up way early that morning, met Doctor Taylor at the Andersons’, and twenty minutes later, I got me a fresh pair of horse testicles in a plastic bag. Got back home before you were up and hid the evidence in my backpack.”

  Logan looks horrified and scoots his chair a little over and is facing her now. He looks ready to bolt.

  “What the hell did you do, River?”

  “Remember that old kitchen knife Mom likes to use to dig up weeds in the herb garden?”

  “Yes, it’s a huge rusty knife—holy shit!”

  I look at Logan, remembering the warning she gave him about hurting him with a rusty knife. River laughs. Logan scoots over a little more and crosses his legs.

  “So, after we got to school, I told you I had to go to the bathroom, remember?”

  “Yes.”

  “I lied. I went back outside, into the parking lot. Blake always liked to hang out in his car listening to music and walk in just before the last bell. He liked to make an entrance.”

  Yeah, I remember it well. I was one of many hanging in the halls to catch a glimpse of him doing just that. Stupid teenage hormones.

  “Yeah, that’s true.”

  I look at Logan and he’s hanging on her every word.

  “I walked to his car and leaned my elbows on his open window. The asshole smirked at me and said that since he was done with you, I could have a ride on the Blake train next.”

  I gasp. I didn’t know any of that.

  “So, I very calmly told him he would keep his mouth shut and not say a word to anyone about you and that if anyone asked, he would say you broke up with him.”

  “What did he say to that?”

  “He laughed. He said he’d do whatever the fuck he wanted. I pulled Mom’s knife from my backpack and played with it. He stopped laughing then. I told him if he ever so much as looked at you again or opened his mouth to say anything about you or to you, I would cut his balls off. He didn’t believe me.

  So I stabbed the car seat, right between his legs, missing his junk by a couple of inches. It surprised me how easily that old knife cut through leather. It may have been old and rusty, but Mom kept it really sharp. He was stunned. He didn’t even see when with my bare hands, I grabbed the colt’s testicles from the plastic bag and dropped them on his lap. He looked at it and went white as a ghost. I wiped my hand on his shirt, smacked his face twice, grabbed the knife back, and pointed it at him and repeated, Not a word.”

  Logan looks a little sick.

  “What did he do?”

  I can’t believe River did this. She did this for me.

  “Oh, it took him a second to realize what was happening. I think he thought it was his own balls at first. He was screaming and trying to open the door to get out of the car. When I looked back, he was kneeling on the ground, holding his crotch and puking all over himself. Stupid boy. He had no idea what horse testicles look like. Probably thinks I cut off someone’s balls to this day.”

  Chapter Thirty

  I don’t know if I should high-five River or run for cover. Then I’m laughing. Skye is laughing. River shrugs and smirks and goes on drinking her coffee.

  “I hope I never piss you off, and I want to be proactive and apologize and beg for forgiveness ahead of time if I ever do.”

  I look at the counter, the egg carton and breakfast sausage forgotten.

  “I don’t know why, but suddenly, eggs and sausage for breakfast don’t sound so appetizing.”

  Skye puts the sausage back in the fridge.

  “How about a cheese omelet then?”

  “I’m down for that,” River replies.

  “Yes. Feed me, Seymour.”

  With a wink at her, I repeat, Skye’s words from last night.

  River said she needed a nap and is in her room. It’s just Skye and me now. I’m worried about her ex. I’m worried he’ll try something and I won’t be around to protect her.

  “What are you gonna do about this guy?” I ask.

  “Blake?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I have no idea. Pray I don’t run into him?”

  “It’s not a huge campus, Skye. You will run into him, eventually.”

  “I know. Hopefully, he’ll still remember River’s threat and stay far away from me.”

  “And if he doesn’t?”

  “I’m not that naïve and scared little girl anymore. I think I can stand my ground and ignore whatever he throws at me.”

  “Guys like that, they don’t really change. I knew my share of them back in high school and at Riggins.”

  “Yeah, but at least I know he’s here, so it won’t take me by surprise when I run into him. I’ll be ready.”

  “I want you to tell me when you do. I want you to call me right away, and if he says or does anything to you, I need to know.”

  She looks at me with some hesitation.

  “I mean it, Skye. I want to know. Not the next day. Not an hour later. Call me. No matter what.”

  “Okay, I will.”

  “Promise me, Skye?”

  “Yes, I promise. Seal it with a kiss.”

  She leans into me and gives me a peck on my cheek.

  “I think you can do better that.”

  “You do?”

  She’s flirting with me, a sexy smile playing on her lips.

  “Uh-huh. Let’s put it to the test.”

  I take her hand and tug her behind me and back to her bedroom.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  I guess no one was listening to my prayers because it didn’t take long at all to run into Blake. As luck would have it, I didn’t have to call Logan when it happened either, because he was right there with me.

  We run into Blake on campus. Logan is picking me up after class for some Netflix and chill. AKA, pizza and mind-blowing sex. Whatever we have between us isn’t just dating anymore. It’s been over two months since we first met, and we’re well established into couple territory. There was never a discussion of being exclusive, but we both fell into a routine that works around his erratic schedule and my classes, job, and studying. Living so close to each other helps.

  He’s parked on the curb and waiting for me outside the Austen building where I have all my English classes. The building is named after Jane Austen, one of my favorite authors.

  I’m walking down the path, my eyes on Logan and his welcoming smile, admiring his long legs in a pair of faded jeans, crossed at the ankles as he leans against his truck, his arms crossed over his open jacket and a plain black T-shirt that’s stretched tight across his wide chest, when I hear my name. I look over my shoulder and see Blake walking in my direction with another guy and a girl. It’s been nearly four years since I last saw him. He’s taller and bigger. More intimidating than I remember him. Riggins colors look wrong on him. I freeze on the spot. There’s a smirk on his face. I guess he got over River’s threat. Before he gets too close, Logan is at my side, his arm around my waist. He pulls me into his body and kisses the top of my head. I relax a little.


  Blake stops a couple of feet away from us, flanked by his friends, and gives Logan a disinterested look, dismissing him on the spot. Logan’s taller than Blake, but not as bulky. I wouldn’t be surprised if Blake’s muscles were created with the aid of some illegal substances. There were always rumors about it back in high school.

  Blake’s eyes find me again, and he smirks.

  “Looking good, Skye.”

  I don’t say anything. His smile falters for a second, but he backs it up with cockiness.

  “What? You don’t have a hug for your high school boyfriend? I know you missed me.”

  I snort at that. I actually snort at his words. The girl with him looks between us as if trying to figure the extent of our relationship. She seems uncomfortable with Blake’s abrasiveness.

  The guy on his right speaks up.

  “Come on, Blake. Let’s go.”

  “No, no. Don’t be rude. Introductions are needed.”

  Blake points at the girl at his left.

  “This is Brittany. She’s in a couple of my classes. And this is Mark. He’s on the football team with me.”

  He points at me with both hands.

  “And this is Skye, and as I said before, my old high school girlfriend. We were together most of senior year.”

  The way he looks at me makes me want to take a shower. He nods at Logan.

  “And who are you?”

  Contempt in his tone.

  Logan tenses next to me, and I reply to Blake before Logan can say or do anything.

  “This is Logan, my boyfriend.”

  Neither makes an attempt to shake hands. I have a feeling if Logan lifts his hand, it will be to choke Blake.

  Blake laughs. I’m familiar with that laugh. It always preceded something unpleasant.

  “What do you know? Isn’t that funny? The old boyfriend and the new one. I was her first, you know. Popped that cherry.”

  My face burns, but for once, it's not in embarrassment but in anger.