A Beautiful Forever

by Lilliana Anderson

  “Come on Paige, do it. I want you to be the one to give me a new style. It'll be a way for me to remember you when you go.”

  “Couldn’t you just take a picture to remember me by?” I ask with raised eyebrows as I talk to her via the mirror.

  “Paige!” she pleads, her voice slightly whiney.

  “Alright, alright, I’ll do it for you,” I submit. I get the need for a change but when people come in with beautiful naturally coloured hair, it always stabs at my heart a little to alter it.

  I leave Naomi flicking through a magazine while I go into the back room and mix her colour before returning to start her transformation.

  “Are you happy about going home?” she asks as I pin the top half of her hair up.

  “I’m happy I’m going with Elliot but I kind of wanted to stay here,” I admit to her.

  “It’s very romantic,” she sighs. “Meeting on a plane and falling in love.” She stares off, smiling dreamily as god only knows what plays through her mind.

  “You read too many romance novels Naomi,” I laugh at her as I start to paint the bottom half of her hair with her new colour choice.

  “Leave me alone,” she pouts. “I like to see people happy; that's all.”

  I smile at her in the mirror briefly before I focus my attention on applying her colour evenly.

  “It must have been some night away though, to make you change your mind,” she prods, trying to get me to divulge some details. When I don’t respond, she pushes further. “Did he tell you he loves you?” she asks biting her lip as she waits for the answer.

  “He did,” I admit carefully.

  “Was it romantic? Did you say it back?” she gushes.

  “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on with you and that guy from the Salsa club – you’ve seen him a few times haven’t you?” I ask, trying to steer this conversation in a new direction. I can’t really tell her that he yelled it at me because I refused to hear it now can I?

  “Oh no Paige! You haven’t told him, have you? But you do love him; I know you do.”

  I can’t answer that, I can’t say that in my thoughts let alone out loud. Knowing it and admitting it are two very different things.

  “Paige, why don’t you say it?”

  “Because it’s too hard, Naomi, it’s too hard for me to say it.” I tell her, keeping my eyes low, so she can’t see into them.

  “Oh no!” she says again. “Please don’t break his heart Paige, he’s head over heels for you.”

  I freeze at her words before turning away to place the bowl of dye on the trolley for cleaning. I take an extra few moments with my back turned away from her, squeezing my eyes shut as I breathe through the emotion swelling inside of me.

  “Why do you think I would?” I ask, focusing my eyes ahead so she can’t see my face.

  “I just have this terrible feeling Paige. You’re not being honest with him, or yourself. He’s baring his soul to you, and you’re still holding back on him. Just be good to him ok? You could ruin him forever if you’re not careful with him. I’ve seen it happen too many times to count Paige.”

  “Where? In your books?” I question her, not appreciating her reading me so well, it’s like she’s figured out exactly what I’m thinking.

  “Paige, I’m not just a bookworm. I do have a life you know,” she tells me, looking slightly wounded from my words.

  “I’m sorry Nomes, I shouldn’t have snapped,” I tell her, feeling immediately guilty.

  A single tear slides from my eye and I wipe it away secretly as I pretend to brush back my hair. I think of the beauty that’s inside Elliot’s heart, and I’m riddled with guilt at the thought of being the one to rob him of that. What if I do ruin him forever? What if he never finds love again just because I was the one who was too selfish to say no to him. I never should have let this happen, I should have been strong enough to stay away from the beginning. I'm a horrible person.

  Elliot

  “Agy!” I call out, embracing her where I find her in the reception area.

  “Elliot, I’m so sad today. Why do you have to leave me? Who am I going to ogle now?” she jokes, hugging me back.

  “You’ll find someone; I'm sure,” I laugh offering my arm and leading her into the gym.

  “What would you like to do for our last session?” I ask.

  “Fancy taking an old lady out for a coffee?” she asks hopefully.

  “Sure, let me go and grab my wallet, and you’re so far from being old Agy – don’t put yourself down.” I jog into the staff room and grab my wallet from my locker, leading Agy out and letting Celsey now that I’m leaving the gym for an hour in case anyone is looking for me.

  “I like that little American girl,” Agy says to me as leave the reception area and head outside. “She’s always so friendly.”

  “I like her too, although she’s going home soon as well,” I inform her.

  “Oh, all the good ones are going. I'll be left with boring English people again!” she moans, although I know she’s joking.

  I take her into the first coffee shop we come to and spend the best part of an hour having my final chat with my favourite client.

  Chapter 26

  Paige

  It’s Thursday night and Elliot's, and my going-away bash is tonight. His flight leaves tomorrow at 2pm and he’s expecting me to be on it too. I’ve gone through all the motions. I ordered my ticket. I've packed my bags, and I’ve quit my job. I figured that we could have a few more days of happiness before I told him I wasn’t going, but know it’s the night before he leaves and times running out – I don’t think I can bring myself to do it.

  I know; I'm a horrible person. It's so selfish of me, and I feel awful, but I can’t stand to miss out on one happy moment with him, not when there are so few left.

  “You ready, gorgeous?” he asks me from the door of our room.

  “Ready,” I reply, collecting my purse and moving close to him so I can kiss him. I’m counting them down. I only have a handful left.

  I look at all the faces of our flatmates gathered in the living area waiting for us. I don’t feel like I have really spent that much time with them as I’ve been firmly attached to Elliot’s side from the moment I arrived. Only Naomi and Brian remain from the original group I moved in with, so I kind of feel like we are going through the motions of a going-away party. There is a new guy staying at the flat now called Adam, he replaced Gavin when he left, this is the first time he's coming out with all of us. He and Jolene seem fairly interested in each other, so perhaps they’ll take our room when we leave. Who knows?

  Elliot

  When we arrive at the restaurant, there are a couple of the other trainers I know from work already waiting as well as Paige’s boss Andrea, we’ve hired a function room for the evening, so we can all sit, eat, chat and linger for as long as we do or don’t want to.

  I’m worried about Paige; she's acting a little strange tonight, she’s smiling and saying all the right things but there’s something about her that isn’t quite right, I’m putting it down to nerves about going back to Australia, but I’m not entirely sure it isn’t something else.

  “You’re not drinking!” Brian admonishes Paige as he places a new round of drinks on the table. “Come on Paige, it’s a celebration. You're letting down the team!”

  Laughing Paige picks up her drink and takes a small sip, for Brian’s benefit, although I notice the level of her drink doesn’t alter much at all.

  “Good girl!” Brian calls out, much louder than he needed to. He already seems half cut, and it’s only nine o’clock.

  “Do you want me to drink that for you?” I ask Paige quietly as I lean towards her ear.

  “You might have to. They keep appearing in front of me,” she smiles, handing me her drink on the sly and replacing her glass with my empty.

  I lose count of how many I have. Everyone wants to buy us both a drink to say good bye, so they just keep coming. Drinking for two was a bad ide
a because now, I’m completely off my face, leaning all over Paige as she laughs at me while we say good-bye to our guests.

  “Are you going to be alright? I can drive you if you like,” Celsey offers as the group waves us off.

  “No, no, it’s fine – you go and have fun with everyone else. I’ll get this guy home. The fresh air and the walk will do him good,” I hear Paige say, although it’s all starting to sound very far away to me.

  “Alright then, well safe trip home you two, and it was nice to meet you Paige,” Celsey says.

  “You too,” Paige smiles.

  “good-bye my loves! I’ll miss you so much!” a drunken Naomi yells leaning all over both of us and causing us to stumble.

  “You’ll probably see us in the morning Naomi. The plane isn’t until the afternoon,” Paige laughs, trying to keep us all upright.

  “Everybody! We’re leaving, thank you so much for coming. We’re both really thankful for such a great send off, and we’ll miss you all,” I call out, slurring slightly but still not drunk enough to forget my manners. My mother really did teach me well.

  We burst out of the door to the restaurant as a noisy group, still calling out our good-byes as Paige steadies me on the short walk back to the flat.

  “You didn’t have to drink all of my drinks you know,” Paige laughs again. She’s really happy now, maybe I was wrong before and there’s nothing going on with her.

  “I told you, I’ll do anything for you Paige – even get rolling drunk so people don’t sulk when you won’t drink with them,” I slur as we make it to the front door of our building, and I force my feet to climb the stairs.

  Paige

  God, he’s so heavy. I feel like I’m getting drunk just from the fumes coming off him. I somehow get him over to the bed and start to drag his shoes off. He sits up as I’m trying to take his belt off, and pulls me towards him, kissing me passionately in a clumsy drunken way, his mouth tastes sweet from all the bourbon he’s been plied with tonight.

  Breaking away, I lean up on his chest and look down at him, trying to keep my hair out of his face. He lifts his hands and starts to clumsily twirl my curls around his fingers, pulling at it so it hurts a little.

  “You are so drunk,” I point out laughing.

  His words come out all slurred as he speaks, “I love you so fucking much Paige,” he says with as much feeling as he can muster.

  My heart jumps a little from his drunken outburst, he hasn’t said it again since he yelled it at me last weekend. “I know you do Elliot.”

  He shakes his head vigorously, “Noooo, you don’t know, I haven’t said it properly,” he grabs my face with both his hands and looks me dead in the eye, suddenly sounding very sober. “I love you Paige Larsen. I think I have I loved you since before I even met you.”

  I smile down at him, tears emerging from my eyes because I know it’s time to end this.

  “Are you crying? No, don’t cry, you’re always so sad. But whenever you smile, I feel like I won something amazing,” he breathes, using his hands to emphasise the last word.

  “Elliot, you are so smashed right now. You need to sleep,” I tell him through my tears, smiling at his openness and doubting that he’ll even remember this conversation in the morning.

  “Alright,” he says, closing his eyes. “But you have to stay right next to me.”

  I nod my head and lay down beside him, resting my head on his chest and hugging him tightly, breathing in his scent and listening to the sounds of his life through his chest. I want to savour our last moments together so I can hold them in my heart and think of him always.

  When I’m sure he is asleep I whisper, “I love you too.” Tears roll down my face as I sit up and touch his sleeping face tenderly. It’s time to tell him everything. I’ve been too chicken shit before now, but I can’t let him get deeper in than he already is.

  I rise off the bed and walk out of our room, closing the door quietly behind me. Taking a piece of paper from the printer, I grab a pen and start to write the words I’ve been too afraid say.

  When I’m done, I fold the paper, put it in an envelope with Elliot’s name on it and tuck it inside his wallet, placing his phone on top. Then, I leave.

  Chapter 27

  Elliot

  Moving my tongue around my mouth to try to distribute some sort of moisture, I open my eyes, acutely aware of the fact that Paige is no longer on the bed with me. Swinging my legs on to the floor, I wince as the pain in my head hits me. I don’t think I have ever drunk so much alcohol in my life. This is horrible. It’s going to make the flight home intolerable.

  I shuffle out to the kitchen and grab some ibuprofen and a large glass of water, downing it as fast as I can.

  Leaning on the edge of the sink, I wait, hoping the water is going to stay down. The moment I’m safe I start to move again, looking for signs of Paige’s whereabouts. Instead, I notice my phone and wallet on the shelf with some paper sticking out of it.

  Dread fills my already queasy stomach as I walk over and take it out. It’s an envelope with my name on it in Paige’s handwriting. I move to the table and take a seat before opening it. Actually, I’m just sitting here staring at it. I don’t want to know what’s inside.

  Letting out a huge steadying breath, I slide my thumb under the seal and tear it open. Forcing my eyes to start reading.

  My dear, beautiful Elliot,

  I am so sorry that I didn’t have the courage to stick around and go back to Australia with you. I never actually said it to you Elliot, but you need to know that I love you too. I love you so much that I selfishly let you love me back, knowing that I was always going to drive you away.

  I have tried so hard to tell you everything Elliot, but every time I open my mouth the words just won’t come out. I can’t bring myself to witness the love leave your face when you find out what I’ve done.

  I’m chicken shit Elliot, for doing it this way, and I’m sorry. Just know that I love you and try to remember that for a short time, you loved me too. Please keep that in your heart when you look at the pictures of our time together, I know that I will.

  I’ve already told you about my home life and how I was kicked out at 15, but it's after that, that my life became an unforgivable disaster.

  I didn’t have anywhere to live. Once that $200 was gone, that was it - I had no job, no money, nothing. I couch hopped at friend’s houses, for as long as I could but eventually their mothers started to realise something was up, so I was forced to move on.

  I’m ashamed to say this, but I started going home with different men, doing what I had to do to get a bed and some food for the night, sometimes I would be with a guy for a night, sometimes a month or more. This went on for two years, and I lost track of how many men there were.

  I hated myself during this time. I was so angry with my family for deserting me, and I just wanted to stop thinking, and that led to drinking, which then led to drugs, nothing in particular – just whatever the guy I was with would give me or whatever I could get my hands on to make me feel numb for a while.

  I was out of it for so long that I didn’t know up from down, let alone what day of the week it was. That was, until a day when I was 17- I was in a rare sober moment, when I started getting terrible abdominal pain accompanied by bleeding before I was rushed to hospital having now idea what was going on.

  Later that day, I realised the monster I had become when I delivered a baby girl. She was so tiny Elliot, and she was all blue. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, and I didn’t know whose she was – how bad is that? What kind of a person doesn’t know those things? – I held her in my arms, horrified by what I had done and promised that I would never abuse another substance again.

  I called her Phoenix because I had to believe that she would be born again to another mother who would be far better to her than I could ever have been.

  My tattoo is a constant reminder of what I did, I killed my baby Elliot. I was so bent on destroying my life because o
f my anger towards my family that I destroyed the life of a tiny girl who’s only failing was choosing my womb to carry her.

  I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m so sorry that I let our relationship get to this point, and I’m so sorry I had to tell you in a letter. I simply wasn’t strong enough to tell you to your face.

  I love you Elliot Roberts. I will hold the time we had together close to my heart for the rest of my life. It was absolutely perfect to me – every moment - you need to know that.

  Please don’t come back for me Elliot, don’t try to find me. I don’t deserve to be loved, not after what I did – I should never have led you on and for that I am truly sorry.

  So please forget about me Elliot, forget about us. You deserve love, you deserve a life that is so much more wonderful than anything we could possibly have had together. If you do anything for me, please let it be that.

  Good bye Elliot.

  Yours forever,

  Paige xxx

  I cover my face with my hands as my tears flow freely, I haven’t cried since I was a kid but right now, these great wracking sobs are escaping my body. Frantically, I grab for my phone; I need to speak to her. I need to tell her that the past is the past. I need to tell her that it wasn’t her fault - drugs do shit things to people, and most of all I need to tell her I love her. I don’t care what she did. I don’t care.

  I call and I call, and I get her voice mail over and over again. I plead with her. I beg her to come back and see me. I promise her that I’ll come back for her, that she doesn’t have to be alone.

  When I look at the clock and realise I need to leave for the airport, I pitch my phone as hard as I can against the floor, smashing the screen and rendering it unusable.

  “How is she going to call you back if your phone is broken,” Naomi asks quietly from the doorway. She's been watching me all day. I think I’ve scared her.

  I crouch upon the ground to pick up the remains of my phone and shake my head. “She’s not calling me back,” I say quietly, completely defeated.