A Beautiful Forever

by Lilliana Anderson

  She comes over to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders, hugging me tightly. “I’m so sorry Elliot, I could tell how much you loved her.”

  “Love her, Naomi. I love her.”

  Paige

  I haven’t stopped crying since I left the flat, and the fact that Elliot keeps calling me is making it so much harder to stay away from him. Surely, he can’t still want me after reading my confession. How could he possibly want someone so selfish that they killed their own baby? Not to mention how I’ve treated him, it’s just not possible.

  With shaking hands, I take my phone and dial my voicemail. He has left so many messages, and I desperately need to hear his voice.

  The first message I hear is from my mother, I still haven’t listened to them. She’s starting with some sob story that I can’t focus on right now. I skip all of hers and then stop breathing when Elliot’s strained voice fills my ears. He sounds so tormented, and I hate myself even more than I thought I possibly could.

  “Paige, please come back, we can work this out. I don’t care what you did, I love you Paige. Please Paige, please come back with me.”

  Each message after that is along a similar vein, and each message tears my heart a little further open. God, what have I done?

  Elliot

  Naomi drives me to the airport and stays silently by my side as I check in. It’s nice that she cares, but I really want to be alone right now. I thank her for her help when I go to line up for my security check, and she reluctantly leaves.

  “Keep in touch Elliot, ok?” she says.

  All I do is nod my head; I'm feeling too numb right now to care about keeping in touch with anyone.

  Paige

  I can’t believe I did this to him. I can’t believe I’m sending him home without saying good-bye. I race through the airport, searching for his face above the crowd, frantically weaving through people I don’t even really see.

  But when someone stands in front of me, blocking my path, I ‘m forced to pause my search and focus on the face in front of me.

  “Paige!” says Naomi.

  “Where is he? I need to say good-bye, I need to say I’m sorry,” I say frantically, looking over her head for him.

  “So you’re still not going back with him?” she asks calmly. Aggravation flares inside me, she’s not answering my question.

  “Naomi! Where is he?” I hiss, I can’t see him around her, and I’m starting to panic that I’m too late.

  “He’s already gone through,” she tells me quietly. I can’t get to him now without my ticket and passport, and I didn’t bring them with me. I knew that if I had them when I saw him, I’d get on that plane and never look back.

  “No! no, no, no!” I call out, my hands in my hair, clutching at my now throbbing head. I pull my phone out of my pocket and start to call him, maybe he can come back out?

  “His phone is broken, he ah, smashed it when you wouldn’t answer,” she says.

  It’s then that a sickness I’ve been fighting all day rises up from inside me and spews out of my mouth.

  “Paige!” I hear Naomi’s hysterical plea as my knees buckle, and I slide into blackness.

  Chapter 28

  Elliot

  I can’t sleep, not even for a second, on the plane. Every time I close my eyes, I see her face. So I spend a full day flying and staring at the vacant seat beside me hoping that she’ll somehow materialise next to me.

  Life is so shit sometimes. Being trapped on a plane with nothing but your thoughts for company causes you to run through every emotion possible. At first, I was upset that she wasn’t with me, then I was angry that she didn’t trust me to understand, then I tried to put myself in her life, so I could understand why she’d think that way.

  One thing was very clear to me when I got off that plane – I need to go back. I don’t care what Paige did in her past, I only care about what she does in her future, and I will do everything in my power to make sure that future is with me.

  My mother is waiting for me when I exit the terminal. I attempt to look happy as she’s smiling and waving at me excitedly. I can see her looking around me because she’s expecting to see Paige with me.

  As I get closer, I see the realisation dawn on her face, I shake my head. “She’s not here,” I say flatly.

  She immediately pulls me to her, hugging me tightly. “Welcome home, sweetheart,” she says before she holds me at arm’s length and looks into my face, searching my expression. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Shaking my head, I let out an exasperated sigh. “I’m so angry right now mum, but I need to go back; I need to go back now.”

  My mother sighs as she reaches up and cups my face in her hands. “You can’t go back now. You'd never get through customs - they’d send you straight back home. But we’ll get you back as soon as we can.”

  I’m aware that I can’t go straight back as a tourist after working there for three months, they’d suspect me of trying to work without a visa and refuse me entry. I feel so powerless right now. I wish it was as easy jumping on a plane and going back to her, but it’s not. I’m going to have to apply again. I'm going to have to do this right or risk never being able to return.

  Trying to keep my breathing steady I hug my mother and draw as much comfort from her as I can. It doesn’t matter how old you get. A hug from your mother always helps.

  She drives me back to my place and walks me inside, trying to make some small talk about things that have happened while I’ve been gone.

  I know I’m not answering her properly, but I can’t right now. I feel so helpless in my own destiny at the moment, the woman I love is on the other side of the world and there’s nothing I can do but wait.

  I collapse in exhaustion on my couch as my mother brings me a cup of coffee and some cake she’s brought around.

  “I put some meals in the fridge for you, just to try and help you get through the jetlag so you don’t have to worry about cooking or shopping,” she tells me.

  I reach over to her and give her arm a gentle squeeze as thanks as I stare out the window.

  “Elliot…what happened?”

  I squeeze my eyes shut and take a breath before I answer. “She left me.”

  “Do you want to tell me why, did something happen?”

  Sitting up I place my mug on the coffee table in front of me. “Nothing happened mum. She's just had a really shitty life and has got it in her head that no one could love her once they know her whole story.”

  My mother regards me quietly, taking a sip of her tea before speaking, “But you obviously do.”

  “Yes mum, I do. I know everything, and I don’t care. I love her so much it hurts me; it hurts so much.”

  She comes over and sits behind me, taking my hand in hers. “You do what you need to do Elliot. I’ll do whatever I can to help you get back to her.”

  I nod my head and stare at her hand on mine. Everything just hurts so much right now, like there’s this hollow pit inside of me that is tearing at my soul. It’s horrible.

  “I’m worried about you Elliot, perhaps I should stay – I’ll give Steve a ring and let him know I won’t be home,” mum says as she searches through her bag for her phone.

  “No mum, I’m fine – I just need to sleep. You can go. Tell Steve I said ‘hi', and I’ll call you tomorrow ok?”

  Looking at me with worried eyes, my mother withdraws her hand from her back, letting out a heavy sigh. “Alright sweetheart, but if you haven’t called me by midday, I’ll come hunting for you,” she threatens half-heartedly.

  I thank her for everything and kiss her good-bye before I go and collapse onto the couch, my feet hanging over the end. I can’t even be bothered making it to the bedroom.

  Despite my exhaustion, I lie there for almost an hour, unable to sleep. Grabbing my keys, I get into my car and head to the bottle shop where I pick up some wild turkey, take it home and drink it straight from the bottle. What the fuck to I care about a glass right now? />
  I obviously have a need to punish myself because I pull my damaged phone out of my bag and plug it into my laptop, downloading all the data off it. I spend the rest of the night sitting on the couch, getting thoroughly smashed, as I flick through the images of Paige and me in London. When I land on the one of her in the hotel room, when she let me take a picture of her back, I stare at it for a long time. It’s the last one I took when everything between us was perfect. I fucking knew something was up all week; I should have pushed her to talk to me – we could have sorted this out.

  I pull my sim card out of the broken phone and put it inside an old one, scrolling through the contacts until I come to her number. Everyone knows you shouldn’t drunk dial, but when you’re drunk, you really don’t give a shit about stuff like that. I reach for my landline phone and dial. It takes a little while to connect but when her voice fills my ears, I can hardly speak.

  Paige

  My phone flashes the word ‘international’ as it rings causing my heart to lodge itself firmly in my chest. I grab for it, needing to talk to him one last time – who else could it possibly be? “Hello?” I say down the line, “Elliot? Is that you?”

  “It’s me,” he says back, his voice sounds strange; it's slurred.

  “Have you been drinking?”

  He sighs, “What does it matter Paige?”

  He’s right. I feel instantly bad for questioning him. “I’m sorry Elliot. I'm so so sorry, are you ok?”

  “How could I possibly be ok Paige?”

  Tears sting my eyes as I start to cry, it feels like his pain is pouring into me over the telephone. “I’m sorry,” is all I can say.

  “Just tell me you love me Paige. I just want to hear you say it.”

  “I love you Elliot,” I force out through my tears. “With every fibre of my being, I love you.”

  I hear him sigh. I can hear breathing that is thick with emotion. My chest hurts; it's so painful being connected to him when he’s so far away.

  “I’m coming back for you Paige.”

  “Don’t Elliot, please don’t - this can’t work.”

  “Fuck you Paige, you don’t get to decide this. I’m coming back – deal with it.”

  My mouth drops open in surprise as the line disconnects, and I burst into tears all over again. He can’t come back. He's not supposed to. Our relationship was supposed to be a beautiful moment in time, it’s not supposed to be forever – people like me don’t get a forever. I spent my past prostituting myself for accommodation, for food, for alcohol and for drugs and that lifestyle cost a baby girl her life – people like me don’t get happy endings, I shouldn’t even have a life at all.

  Elliot

  A loud banging on my front door wakes me from my alcohol-induced sleep. I sit up slowly and eye the almost empty bottle sitting open on the coffee table, screwing the lid back on and pushing it away.

  My laptop is sitting open, so I hit the space bar to wake it up, expecting to find pictures of Paige. I need to set eyes on her, even if it’s just a photo. Instead, the website for the UK Border Agency is on the screen; I've applied for a new Visa.

  Bang bang bang! “Come on Elliot! We know you’re home!” I hear on the other side of the door.

  I drag my eyes away from the computer screen and go and open the door, standing on the other side is my old Uni friend, Gary, and his wife Stephanie.

  “You look like shit,” Gary says as he takes in my appearance.

  “Oh my god, Elliot! Did you bathe in bourbon?! You reek!” Stephanie complains, fanning her hand in front of her nose.

  “Nice to see you both too,” I deadpan.

  “Sorry sweetheart, we just weren’t expecting – well… this,” Stephanie says gesturing at my appearance.

  “It’s been a shitty couple of days, come on in,” I say standing to the side.

  Stephanie goes straight into my kitchen and tells me she’s going to make a strong pot of coffee. I don’t complain because I really need to check what I did last night. I can’t believe I applied for a Visa while I was off my face. I go into my email and check all the confirmations. I’ve set up my biometric interview and everything. Shit.

  Stephanie walks back into the lounge room balancing the three coffees she has made and Gary, who’s been sitting on the other couch watching me curse myself repeatedly, jumps up to help her.

  I nod as she places my coffee beside me on the table and continue to wildly scan my application, checking that all the details I gave were correct.

  “Elliot,” she starts. “Is there something wrong? Is there something we can do?”

  “No just – ” I click through to the last page of my application and let out a steady breath. It’s fine; I didn’t fuck it up. I sit back on the couch and put my hands on either side of my head, suddenly laughing.

  Gary and Stephanie are both looking at me wide eyed, “Everything ok mate?” Gary ventures.

  “More than ok, everything is great,” I tell him, smiling like an idiot.

  “Well, how was your trip? Oh! What did you think of Naomi – she’s cute huh?” Stephanie asks.

  “The trip was… life changing. I’m going back there to live.”

  “What!” they both say in unison.

  “I met someone on the way over there – not Naomi sorry, but she's a nice girl though - Her name is Paige and she’s staying there indefinitely so I'm going back there for her.”

  I tell them about Paige, show them a couple of photos but avoid talking about all the bullshit that kept her there. I don’t want to focus on any of that right now. I just need to focus on getting back to her. The whole process will take around three months, and I need to be patient until then.

  As I sit back and drink my coffee, listening to Stephanie and Gary as they catch me up on their lives while I’ve been away, the memory of talking to Paige last night filters back to me. She said she loves me with every fibre of her being. I have to convince her to stop trying to let me go because I don’t want a life without her. I’m not going to let her ruin this.

  Chapter 29

  Paige

  Applying the handbrake as I pull up outside the house, I take a slow steady breath before opening the car door, striding purposefully up the driveway dragging my suitcase behind me, and rapping loudly on the door.

  When the door swings open I’m confronted with my mother’s surprised face as she drags her eyes over me, pausing when she reaches my luggage. Her eyes fly back up to mine in question. I’m sure I’m the last person she expected to be opening her door to.

  “I need a place to stay. I think it’s the least you can do for me considering…” I tell her boldly, refusing to be polite as I step past her and into her home.

  “Of…of course,” she stutters, scrambling down the hallway and opening a door for me. “You…you can stay i-in here,” she says, flicking on the light and standing aside so I can enter her guest room. “The bathroom’s just around the corner, and the kitchen is at the end of the hall. Can I get you anything?” she asks sounding calmer.

  “No,” I answer simply, stepping into the room with my suitcase in hand. I turn around to look at her expectant face, an unfriendly glare on mine as I reach out and start to close the door. Before it’s almost clicked shut, I open it slightly, meeting her eyes once again. “This doesn’t change anything,” I affirm. I don’t want her getting any ideas that we’ll be playing happy families any time soon.

  “Of course,” she whispers, her eyes swimming with tears as I click the door closed and spin the lock on the other side.

  Pulling the covers back on the bed, I remove my shoes and climb in, curling myself into the foetal position as I close my eyes, thinking about everything that has happened this past week.

  After collapsing at the airport, Naomi took me back to the flat where I spent every day since then lying on the couch and refusing to move. I was offered my bed back, but I couldn’t bring myself to live there again, not when being there reminds me so much of him. I’ve fe
lt constantly sick and can’t seem to eat. I feel wrong without him and hate myself so much that eventually I had to get out of there. I didn’t tell anyone that I was leaving or where I was going, I just waited until they were all out of the flat and wrote a thank-you note before leaving and driving here. I know - I’m chicken shit, I left a note again.

  Why I chose here I do not know, perhaps I’m still trying to punish myself, or perhaps I feel like this is the only place he won’t come to look for me. But for some reason, it’s the only place I could think of.

  Despite the fact that he calls me every day, I still haven’t spoken to him since that night he called me drunk - I don’t even know if he remembers our conversation. Instead, when he calls, I watch the words ‘International Call’ blink on my screen and wait for it to go to voicemail then listen to it later.

  He says he's coming back to me, but his emotions are still raw right now, and I feel that if I ignore him, he’ll give up and get on with his life. That’s what’s best for both of us. He deserves so much more than what I can give him.

  I close my eyes and drift off to sleep, beginning the same cycle that I’ve been following this past week. I don’t know how many days, and nights pass, but I have vague memories of food being offered and conversations being attempted as my parents hover about, not sure what make of the wreck of a daughter who's returned to them.

  “Do you think we can talk?” my mother says during one of my more lucid moments. “You’ve been in here for almost a week Paige.”

  Rolling away from her, I pull the covers over my head and shut my eyes, attempting to shut her out as well.

  “I’ll leave soon, mother. I just haven’t felt up to finding somewhere to stay.”

  “No… that’s not what I want. I just want to talk – you can stay as long as you like.”

  “Fine – talk.” I say, sitting up dramatically to eye her as she fidgets with a loose thread on her sleeve.

  “First I wanted to give you this,” she says placing a pharmacy bag on the bed in front of me. I look at it but don’t bother touching it. “I’m just trying to help – you’ve been so sick since you got here…”