The Secrets of Their Souls

by Brooke Sivendra

  Kyoji laughed. “She’s happy to see you again. I booked her for the weekend and she’s tripled our profits. They guys here fucking love her.”

  Rebecca finished her routine and appeared in front of them a few minutes later.

  “Jayce, this is a surprise. It’s good to see you.”

  “It’s good to see you again too,” Jayce said, seeing double.

  “I’m nearly finished for the night but I could fit in one more dance, if you would like one?” She tilted her shoulder forward and bit her lip. He smirked and she held out her hand.

  “Rebecca,” Kyoji said, “private room out the back and be careful he doesn’t fucking fall over. I’m taking him home in an hour.”

  Jayce ignored Kyoji’s comment, too drunk to care, and stumbled to the private room. He sat down and rested his head back against the padded wall. Rebecca leaned forward, brushing her nipples over his lips. “I’m glad you’re back, Jayce.”

  *

  Knock-knock.

  The sound echoed through Jayce’s dream but it did not wake him.

  Knock-knock.

  “Jayce, get up!”

  This time he roused enough to open his eyes. He looked at Kyoji and closed them again.

  “Get up. You’re already late for work.”

  Jayce swore under his breath. He wanted to sit up but he thought he might be ill. Slowly, painfully, he sat up and rubbed his temples: he wanted to die. He looked at his alarm clock: 9:00 a.m. “Jesus fucking Christ!” He tried to jump out of bed but he was tangled in his sheets.

  “Calm down. I called Olivia and told her you’re sick. I told her you’d be in at ten. Get in the shower and take these,” Kyoji said, handing him two white pills. “You’ll feel better soon.”

  Jayce took the pills and cursed himself again as he stood, more slowly now, and walked to the bathroom. Jayce stripped off his suit, which he was still in from last night, and stepped into the shower, pressing his hands against the wall to keep himself upright. He tilted his head back and let the warm water run over his face. One more minute, he thought to himself, over and over again until he could muster the willpower to turn the shower off. He dressed in the first suit his hands grabbed and called his driver.

  *

  His laptop, that he had left at Zahra’s, was waiting for him when he arrived. Olivia advised it arrived via courier, without a note. Olivia looked at him questioningly but he said nothing as he took it into his office.

  The only task Jayce performed proficiently all day was to instruct Olivia to cancel his meetings. After that, he spent the next ten hours staring at his computer monitor. His heart ached and his head ached, no matter how many white pills he swallowed. He’d picked up his phone twice to call Zahra but put it down again.

  From kicking the door in to asking Rebecca to climb onto his lap—last night had been one bad decision after another. Kyoji had been right all along; he should have let life take its course. If he’d let things play out on their own it might have worked out differently; there were no guarantees but at least they’d have had a chance.

  When he could no longer physically keep his eyes open, Jayce decided to call it a day. He walked through the lobby, keeping his gaze down. He looked and felt like death warmed up and he wasn’t in the mood to stop and talk to anyone.

  Jayce was almost at the door when he saw her. Zahra was walking into the building and there was but a few feet between them. Last night’s events flashed in his mind and regret and self-loathing washed over him. Zahra’s eyes flickered to him but she didn’t stop, walking straight past him.

  CHAPTER TWENTY - ZAHRA

  They walked past each other like strangers. At least he looks terrible, Zahra thought. If he’d been smiling, she didn’t know what she would have done. She let out a shaky breath and her heart felt like it was breaking all over again.

  Where would we be if I had been honest the first time he’d asked me about the dreams? Where would we be if, that night at the dining table, I’d told him that I believed in past lives? The words had been on her lips, she had wanted to tell him, but she hadn’t said the words. It was not only the fear of him not believing her but the fear that he would want nothing to do with her if she told him about Raven. Zahra was repulsed by Raven and that was her own soul! That had been her! In the end, it was her fear of losing him that had led to this, and now she had probably lost him anyway.

  She had spent the night on the bathroom floor, alternating between tears and fury. The man she knew, or thought she knew, was not the man who would play mind games with her. She was torturing herself enough—she hadn’t needed him to add to her pain. Did he really think that she wasn’t sorry for Raven’s past and what she had done to Dryas? If he could have felt Raven’s pain and remorse, he would have realized that he didn’t need to punish her for Dryas’ death, that she would do it on her own.

  Zahra looked out over the skyline. “Igraine told me that we would come together again, she told me that… that there would come a time for your debt to paid.” Zahra’s skin crawled as she turned Jayce’s words over in her mind. How could Igraine possibly know this? And was Igraine still alive? Could Zahra go and see her too? And what about Dryas—did Jayce know why he was in the queen’s chamber?

  She had so many questions that she wanted to ask Jayce, but she no longer trusted him and she wasn’t sure if he would tell her the truth or another lie. A chasm had opened between them.

  *

  “Good afternoon, Zahra.”

  She sat in Dr. Moore’s office and tried her best to smile but the unwelcome tears came anyway. She felt her eyes flood and she looked away. She had been an emotional wreck all week, barely managing to hold it together at work. Sitting here talking about her past was the last place she wanted to be, but it was the only place she thought she might find some answers.

  Dr. Moore passed her the tissues. “We use so many of these I should have shares in this company,” he said, smiling at her kindly.

  “Thank you,” Zahra said, taking the box.

  “What has happened since I saw you last?”

  My world has crumbled, Zahra thought. She had not heard from Jayce for five days. “I had a dream last weekend, one that featured my colleague. I saw what I did—what Raven—did to him. She killed him.” Zahra looked away again, dabbing the corners of her eyes

  “But this dream has affected you more than others. Why is this victim’s death more emotional for you than her other victims?”

  “Because she loved him. And because I know him. It’s like I can’t separate the past from the present anymore. It’s all crashing together,” Zahra said.

  “Our past is not intended to be separated from our present, otherwise it would be impossible to learn from it. Our past makes us who we are. And who we become from here depends on the choices we make today, for this, too, will one day be our past.”

  “Do you think that we carry our pain and our emotions with us when we reincarnate? Do you think that if we make bad decisions now, in our present, it’s because we’re harboring pain from our past? Even if it was thousands of years ago?”

  “I think that we do carry our pain and emotions with us, but we aren’t usually conscious that we are doing so. That’s why regression therapy, which allows us to see our past, can help us to heal. And, yes, it is possible that we make poor decisions based on our pasts, but we also make bad decisions that are not related to our pasts,” Dr. Moore said.

  “Do we ever know if our debts have been paid?” Zahra asked—it was her million-dollar question.

  “Our karma, or karmic debt, is constantly changing, never in equilibrium. Each act must always be balanced, and, as we are always acting, it is a constant flow of negative and positive energy. But, I think that when a debt is paid, that issue ceases to resurface in our lives. It is put to rest, so to speak, so we don’t see it coming up again and again in our lives.”

  “So, the fact that I see all of these murders in my dreams… The fact that I murdered my c
olleague… I should assume that this debt probably hasn’t been balanced.” Zahra folded the clean tissue in her hand.

  “Probably not and I think that your dreams are trying to help you resolve it. But each act is only balanced with an act of equal energy; it does not need to be the actual same act. I don’t think all of these people are going to come out of the woodwork and murder you to balance the debt—but, your soul will have to repay them for the pain you caused. We never know how this is done, or when it is done. To create positive karma, the best thing we can do is simply live a mindful life—be kind to each other, help each other, have compassion for one another, forgive ourselves and each other. If we live a life like that, we will never build too much negative karma and we will be able to balance our debts at the same time.”

  It sounds so simple but life seems so complicated, Zahra thought. “Okay, well, I think I’ve run out of questions, and tears, for the moment. Do we still have time to try a regression again?”

  “We do. Recline your chair out and get comfortable, and we’ll start.”

  *

  I’m going to be the second patient Dr. Moore can’t regress, Zahra thought as she sat at her desk. Her second attempt was as much of a failure as her first. Why can I dream so vividly but not regress through therapy?

  Zahra sighed and turned back to her work. The Church Street sales gallery was nearing completion and she was double-checking everything. Her personal life might be a wreck, but she wouldn’t let her career be dragged down with it.

  11057

  Zahra’s heart palpitated as she looked at the five digits flashing on her caller ID panel. A call she had been waiting for, and a call she didn’t want to take.

  “Good morning.” She kept her voice as professional as possible even though she trembled inside.

  “Hi.”

  They were both silent. Zahra turned to face the skyline, giving her some privacy from her colleagues.

  Jayce cleared his throat. “Can you please come upstairs? Just for five minutes.” The sound of his voice was like a double-edged sword.

  “Is this about work?”

  “No, it’s not. Please, Zahra. Five minutes.”

  Whatever the outcome of their conversation, Zahra knew this was a conversation they had to have. “Five minutes,” she agreed.

  Zahra hung up and exhaled. She didn’t know how they could move forward, but if they couldn’t move forward, they were over.

  *

  Olivia gestured for her to go straight through and Zahra fumbled with the door, her sweaty palms slipping off the handle. She pushed down on the handle again and used her body weight to open the heavy door.

  He sat on the couch, his fingers scrolling over his phone, when Zahra walked in. He looked up immediately, put his phone on the coffee table and gestured to the couch opposite him. She sat down on the edge of the seat and looked at him expectantly.

  He rubbed his hands on his thighs and took a deep breath. “I don’t exactly know where to start, other than I’m so sorry. I never intended for things to get so heated and I wish to God that we had been able to talk things through in a calmer setting. I shouldn’t have kicked the door in and I shouldn’t have yelled at you and I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have done so many of the things I did that night. Or the things I’ve done over the past few months. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

  Zahra’s heart heaved with sadness.

  Jayce continued. “The first night I heard you talking in your sleep, and you said Raven’s name, I left immediately. It scared the hell out of me, to be honest, and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. Once that subsided, and I had some time to think it through, I called you. When you lied about the dream, I was not only angry because you lied to me—and I hate being lied to—but I was angry because of what that meant for us. I was angry because, even then, when we hardly knew each other, I thought you were near perfect. You are everything I have ever wanted in a woman, and I felt like I had been given a gift and then it was being ripped away.” Jayce looked into her eyes and she could see his pain. “I never wanted to feel that again—I didn’t want to meet you in another life and have the same thing happen so I thought I could settle the debt. The raven painting, which was a fucking horrible idea, was part of the plan to punish Raven for hurting me—Dryas. I thought that if you felt guilty enough, it would not only cause you pain and help to settle the debt, but that you would also come clean and tell me about the dreams and apologize for the past.”

  “Do you not think I’m sorry for the past? Do you think that the things I’ve done aren’t a burden that I have to live with? You said you suffered from the same nightmares, so you know how real they are. Every time I wake up from one, I have to live with the guilt of Raven’s crimes. You didn’t need to punish me, Jayce, I was already doing that.”

  “I know that now. I was watching you when you came back from the kitchen, the night you saw the raven painting. I understood then how much pain you were in. From then on I didn’t want to hurt you, I just wanted you to be honest with me and I felt like you owed it to me to do that. I didn’t feel like I should have to ask you to do it, as ego-centered as that sounds, and is.”

  “Of course I’m sorry, how could you not know that?” Zahra looked away, holding back the tears. She had never been such a crier in her life. “I wish I had known that you knew,” she continued. “I was terrified that if I told you and you didn’t believe me, I would end up in some mental institution and I would lose you and my career. And I was also terrified that if you did believe me, that you would hate me for what I did to you—to Dryas. I hate myself for it, so how could you not, too?”

  “I don’t hate you for what she did to him and you shouldn’t either. I want you in my life, Zahra. I don’t want this life without you. This week has been horrible and I must have picked up the phone to call you a hundred or more times, but I was scared that you wouldn’t even hear me out. I know I hurt you, and I did do it intentionally, and that will forever be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. But, please, I can make this right, I can fix this—fix us.”

  “I don’t think you’re the person I thought you were. You lied to me and I don’t trust you anymore. I made mistakes too, I admit that, and I shouldn’t have acted the way I did either. I shouldn’t have kicked you out. But I don’t know how to move forward now.” She shook her head, hating that their relationship was complicated.

  “I know that you don’t trust me and I have to earn that back. We’ll take it slow, no more secrets, no more lies. I meant what I said the night we were talking and I brought up my father’s beliefs on past lives—I think we can overcome anything together. I admit, when I left on Saturday I thought it was over, I thought it was too complicated. But I think we’re worth fighting for. I need you. Please, give me one more chance.”

  His eyes pleaded with her heart and she wanted to believe they could make it work.

  “I don’t think Raven knew how completely Dryas loved her—if she did, I don’t think she could ever have killed him. And I don’t think that kind of love ever dies, Zahra. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you and I love you more today than ever.”

  The tears rolled down her cheeks and Jayce got up and sat beside her. He wiped away her tears and turned her face to him. “Let me show you how I really am.” There were tears in his eyes, too, and Zahra gave in. They would find a way to make it work.

  “No more lies,” she said, raising her eyebrows.

  “I promise.” Jayce nodded. “And no more secrets.”

  “I promise,” she whispered.

  He leaned in and kissed her, and every cell in her body tingled. She kissed him back—uninhibited, unrestrained.

  “I love you so much,” Jayce said, resting his forehead on hers, tucking her hair behind her ear.

  “I love you too.” She cradled his face in her hands and kissed his lips.

  “Have dinner with me tonight. Nine o’clock. I’ll come to your office and we’ll go to
gether.”

  The corners of her lips turned up. “Are you condoning inter-office dating now?”

  He smirked. “I think I have to—I want the world to know you’re my girlfriend. I’ll deal with the aftermath of the inter-office dating later.” Jayce rolled his eyes.

  Zahra giggled. “I would love to have dinner with you, Jayce Tohmatsu.”

  *

  She wore a smile on her lips all through lunch and the afternoon. There were no guarantees they would make it, that their past wouldn’t again threaten their future, but they would fight for it, for the love they shared.

  “You’ve got mail,” Holly said, sliding it across Zahra’s desk. “I think the new intern put it on my desk by mistake. And, by the way, you look a lot better today.”

  Zahra had been passing off her misery as I’m-not-feeling-well all week. “Yeah, I feel much better. I don’t know what it was—some stomach virus, I think. Anyway, I feel pretty good today. How is Church Street looking?”

  “Oh yeah, it looks amazing. I can’t wait until we can get in there and do our job. They’re all placing bets on how fast they think it will sell out.”

  Zahra laughed and she couldn’t wait to get in there either. “Nice. I’m going over tomorrow morning.”

  “All right, well, I’m going down to get a coffee. Do you want one?” Holly asked.

  “No, I’m fine, thanks,” Zahra said, picking up the first envelope on the stack of mail. It was surprising how much they still received in a world that should be almost paperless. She paused at the last envelope—it had no return address. She slid her finger under the seal and opened it.