Bali Raw

by Malcolm Scott

  Confused, I would have to start again. It seemed like I fumbled about between legs for an eternity. I finally figured I’d been mistaken and was about to give up when suddenly I hit the jackpot. When I grabbed one of the girls I felt a small hard candle of flesh that to mind could have only been a dick. I pulled my hand away, slid out of bed and ran to the bathroom to think.

  I had to work out what to do. There was no way I wanted a man in my bed and I wouldn’t be going back if there was, but then there were still two females in the bed and they were beautiful and naked and willing … how could I give that up? I marched bravely back into the room to confront the man in my bed. I wanted him gone.

  The girls tried to drag me back into their wonderful warm pool of laughter and lust but I resisted. I switched on the bedside light and pulled back the blanket, I was determined to expose the imposter and I fully expected to see an erect penis staring back at me. What I saw shocked me even more.

  One of the girls was lying on her stomach and protruding from her back, just above her arse, was a small tail; the appendage was no more than two inches long and it wouldn’t have looked out of place on a Doberman. I stared at the tail for a second then threw the blanket back over the girls before anyone else could see. I was stunned, yet relieved. I sat down on the side of the bed and lit up a smoke, I needed time to think. Then I looked over and saw three lumps writhing away underneath the blanket in the other bed it gave me an idea.

  I didn’t want to embarrass the girl with the tail, she was a lovely creature and had been incredibly fun all night, but the whole tail-feeling-like-a-dick thing had sort of put me off. I wasn’t really keen on sharing my bed with her anymore and I wanted to get rid of her without creating a fuss or making her feel uncomfortable. I called out to Aaron and one by one three heads popped out from underneath his blanket, two at the pillow end and another from the other end of the bed.

  “How’s it going in there, mate?” I asked.

  Aaron smiled. “Can’t complain,” he replied, and the other two heads sniggered.

  From the corner of my eye I saw the girl with the tail watching and felt she was worried that I would embarrass her. “Listen mate, I need a favour. Three girls is just too much for me,” I said awkwardly. “I don’t think I can handle it, if you know what I mean? Any chance you can deal with another, mate?”

  Aaron didn’t even take the time to think. “Fuck, yeah,” he said, and asked the head next to him. “What do you think, love, do we have room for one more?”

  The girl sniggered and I figured she had given her approval, then the head from the foot of the bed said, “I want.” I looked over at the girl with the tail and without asking she climbed out my bed.

  I felt relieved but I also felt like a bit of a wanker. I climbed back into bed with my two girls and tried to put the whole event out of my mind. It wasn’t so difficult.

  The romp continued until the early hours, punctuated with sighs, groans and laughter. Eventually I climbed out of bed exhausted and the girls cuddled into each other. I went out onto the hotel balcony for a smoke and a short time later Aaron joined me.

  “Thanks for that, Mal.

  Did you know that girl has a tail?” he asked.

  I suddenly felt guilty and I tried to explain myself, “Yeah I did, it sort of put me off. Sorry about that.”

  Aaron laughed and slapped me on the back, “Are you kidding me, I loved it.”

  I turned to face him, “You what?”

  Aaron beamed and I could tell he was happy, “I said I loved it. The other two got jealous, I just wanted to be with monkey tail.”

  I laughed despite myself. “Monkey tail, is that what you call her? You can’t call her that!”

  “Yes I can,” he chuckled, “that’s what I call her and she likes it. I’m going to get her phone number and I want to see her again.”

  I let the conversation rest, took a long draw on my smoke and waited for sunrise.

  When the sun broke the horizon I decided it was time to leave and I walked back into the room. I was in for one more shock on what had been a very strange night.

  The Grey Sardine had somehow pulled himself out of his drunken sleep and climbed into his bed. He was now happily canoodling my two girls.

  I have to give it to the guy, he was a trier. As for the girls, they didn’t seem to mind. I left the room as fast as possible as I had no desire to witness The Grey Sardine in the throes of passion—some things are just too horrible to behold.

  As I walked from the hotel I couldn’t help but think how bizarre it was to live in a place like Bali, you just never knew where a night would take you.

  Aaron continued to see Monkey Tail and when he returned to Australia he remained in touch. He even sent her small amounts of money to help her get by. He seemed to be falling in love with the girl until one day he misplaced his phone, lost her number and sadly the two of them lost contact.

  Aaron asked me to find her again but no matter how hard I tried I never could.

  Big Berlin Bouncers Date Ladyboys

  A major cause of fights in Bali is girls or, more specifically, hookers.

  What a lot of blokes don’t realise, unless they live in Bali, is that although their Balinese girlfriend professes to love them, as soon he gets on the plane home and waves goodbye, the girl wipes away her tears with one hand and sends a text to another guy with the other.

  One night, I was in a bar with Billy, his wife and her friend. Billy had spent a long time in Australia and all we wanted was to enjoy a quiet night and share a little gossip amongst old friends. The two girls took a seat and chatted and Billy and I found a quiet corner of the bar so that we could be alone and talk. Billy and I had not been talking long when a pretty girl of about twenty-eight strolled over and started to hover around us.

  Leli was a new kid on the block otherwise she would have known that Billy was happily married and that it was more a family get-together than a night out. Leli is now a long-term Bali working girl and I know her quite well—I would even call her a friend. Billy and I were deep in conversation when a young Aussie guy trundled over and stood between us and Leli. He held out his hand and introduced himself as Alan.

  Billy and I stopped talking and shook Alan’s hand, then politely told Alan that we were brothers and had not seen each other for a long time. We said that we would like to be left alone as we had family business to catch up on, wished Alan a nice holiday in Bali and sent him on his way. Alan disappeared into the crowd and Billy and I went back to our discussion. Leli still lingered but as I said Billy and I found her harmless.

  A few moments later a huge German guy turned up holding hands with a ladyboy—after years living in Bali, Billy and I could tell she was a ladyboy right away but the German seemed to have no clue. The German pushed in front of Leli, told us that he was friends with Alan and introduced himself as Hans. He then introduced us to his fiancée. Hans told us that he was taking his fiancée home to meet his parents. We thought this funny, as Hans had no idea that he was dating a man, and Billy and I would later imagine the parents’ reaction when they got to meet their new son-in-law, but at the time we weren’t so interested in Hans, his holiday or his sex life.

  Hans liked to chat and despite Billy and I doing our best to show him we were not interested he told us about his girlfriend/boyfriend, the business he wanted to set up in Bali and the fact he was a weightlifter and doorman back in Berlin.

  The last two topics were probably designed to send a message but Billy and I were distracted and it wasn’t until later that I would piece this together after what eventually transpired. Billy and I thought little of it and we sent Hans on his way as fast as possible, again we said that we were brothers and we wanted to be left alone.

  A few moments later Alan turned up again and tried to force his way into our conversation. Billy looked at me and said, “What are we, the only two people in the bar? Why do these people keep coming up to us?” Once again we explained to Alan that we weren’
t really interested in a conversation and that although we might seem rude it was because we wanted to catch up and discuss family matters.

  We continued talking but were soon interrupted again, this time by Hans’s brother, Peter. Peter talked about his holiday, his brother Hans and their friendship with Alan, and how much of a good time they’d all been having as a group. Peter also mentioned that his brother was a well-known doorman in the Berlin nightclub scene. Billy and I sent Peter on his way but over the course of the next few hours the group visited constantly.

  Each time we politely told the friends were that we wanted to be left alone but they seemed to get pushier as the night wore on. Eventually we began to suspect that we were being set up and after discussing the intruders we came to the conclusion that Leli was the root of the problem.

  Billy and I noticed that every time Alan came over he stared at Leli like a lovesick puppy and for her part Leli did her best to ignore him. Things came to a head when Peter came over for the umpteenth time and pushed between Billy and me. He stood face to face with Billy, stared at him aggressively and asked, “Why are you trying to ignore us?”

  “What is it with these people?” asked Billy before pushing Peter on the shoulder. “Just go away mate, we just want to be left alone.”

  Peter was a big guy with an immense barrel chest and he tried to use his weight against Billy, he rammed him with his chest and screamed something in German. Billy didn’t mess about, he took Peter down with one punch.

  Peter fell backwards and the crowd behind the big German went down with him. As he fell back it split the crowd and I saw Alan standing in the corner watching. He had a smile on his face and seemed to enjoy what he had started. I had no doubt that Alan was behind the night’s events and that he’d set his German friends against us.

  I took off from behind Billy, jumped the fallen crowd and launched myself at Alan. “You fucking started this.” I screamed and slammed a shoulder into Alan’s chest which flung him against the wall. I grabbed Alan by the hair, pulled his head down and slammed three punches into his face. It was a stupid mistake. Normally Billy and I would fight together and if one fell the other would protect or pull up the fallen person. I was incredibly angry that Alan had caused Billy and me to become involved in what I saw as his petty jealousy over a working girl who we were not interested in. Unfortunately, when I charged Alan I left Billy vulnerable and he suddenly had two big Germans to contend with.

  Alan and I fought and I gained the upper hand but this meant I had my back to Billy and I could not see what was going on. The whole pub turned on Billy and me. Evidently, Alan, Hans and Peter were regulars and the Indonesians sided with them.

  I do not know what happened to Billy over the next few minutes; one moment I had Alan against a wall and the next I was surrounded by six Indonesians throwing punches and kicks at my head. I covered up and moved back as punches and kicks flew at me from all directions and suddenly I realised I had somehow ended up outside the bar, about thirty feet from where I had started brawling with Alan.

  I was still surrounded by angry Indonesians and they were still taking pot-shots but I had tucked myself into a corner and it offered me some protection. I was no longer taking punches and kicks from behind. I did my best to fend of the Indonesians but then the owner of the bar charged at me from the other side of the street. He jumped in the air and stupidly tried a Bruce Lee-style kick to my face. I managed to catch his foot and shoved him backwards—he landed on his arse. The Indonesians around me went to the owner’s rescue and left me alone long enough to spot Billy in trouble in the middle of the road.

  Hans, the German bouncer, was on Billy’s back and had him in a stranglehold. Billy was surrounded by Indonesians who were taking the opportunity to launch running kicks at his face. He had no way to protect himself and I became furious. I charged past the owner and the Indonesians and ran over to him. I shoved the Indonesians surrounding Billy aside and screamed at Hans to let go of my brother.

  Hans turned his face to me and he could see that he was now vulnerable. The Indonesians had backed off and all I needed to do was level a boot at Han’s head and he would have been done for. Hans backed down. “I’ll let him up,” he said “but he has to stop fighting.”

  “He’ll stop, let him up!” I screamed.

  Hans released his grip slightly and Billy sucked in a lungful of air. I stepped closer to Hans, “Let him the fuck up!”

  Hans finally relented and let Billy loose, he stepped back and I grabbed Billy by his torn shirt and pulled him to his feet.

  Hans weaved his way back through the crowd and disappeared and Billy and I were left surrounded by about twenty angry Indonesians. The Indonesian pub bouncer was a huge, muscle-bound, tattooed-up guy who wanted the fight to continue. He stepped forward and his support moved with him.

  Billy and I were shoulder-to-shoulder but we stood no chance. Billy was struggling for air and we were heavily outnumbered. We moved back and found ourselves forced against a wall.

  The Indonesian bouncer at the head of the group made a move to slap Billy. Billy reacted with a super-human effort and not only dodged the slap but clocked the bouncer on the chin with a left hook that rocked him to the core. The bouncer became wary and moved in slower but he still threw another punch. I tried to protect Billy and stepped in front and took the punch on my chest over my heart. The punch hurt like hell and I suffered the pain of the blow for months to come. The force of the hit shoved me backwards and Billy caught me.

  Billy screamed and pushed me aside. I hunched over and tried to get my breath back while Billy launched a combination of blows at the bouncer. The bouncer must have realised he faced a tiger because he backed away from Billy’s onslaught and suddenly didn’t seem to want things to continue. I managed to pull myself up and Billy and I once again stood shoulder-to-shoulder, we held our ground and faced the bouncer and his pack. The bouncer finally relented. He made a gap in the crowd, pointed down the road and screamed, “You go!”

  I put my arm about Billy’s shoulder and we walked a small distance then turned and faced the bouncer and his group. We walked backwards down the road and made sure we didn’t take our eyes off the crowd. We made it about thirty metres before I noticed Alan push through the crowd and start following us. Alan came close and started to yell at Billy and me, “You fucking cowards. You see what you get when you mess with us!”

  Billy and I kept moving but I slowed down to let Alan catch up. Billy knows me very well and he knew what I was doing. “Mal, I’m hurt, mate,” he said. “I can’t fight anymore.”

  I was worried about Billy, he had taken a lot of kicks and was severely injured but I was angry that Alan had set us up and that he wanted to boast. “I know mate,” I replied. “Do you think you will be able to run if we need to?”

  Billy looked at me and smiled, “I’ll be okay.”

  “OK, mate, just keep moving and don’t worry about me. I’ll be back with you in a second.”

  Alan finally caught up and came on all swagger and bullshit. He thumped his chest. “You fuckheads see what you get when you make trouble with me!” he screamed.

  I was seething. Alan had set Billy and me up over a hooker he’d fallen for and I wanted to kill him. I stopped moving back and I stepped forward. “Yeah, is that what you think, cunt?” I said.

  Alan glanced over his shoulder and looked for the protection that was no longer with him. He turned back to me and I saw a glimmer of fear in his eyes. I hit Alan with everything I had and I collected him with a nice hard punch to the jaw. He flew backwards and hit the ground unconscious. I wanted to stomp Alan there and then. I had so much anger in me that given the chance I would have done to him what the Indonesians had done to my little brother. I didn’t get the chance.

  The Indonesians saw Alan go down and they surged towards Billy and me. I turned and called for Billy to run and that’s what we did. I have no idea how far they followed us but we made it safely back to Billy’s hotel room. B
illy’s Indonesian wife and her friend turned up at the hotel a half an hour later and told us the crowd was searching for us on the streets of Kuta. Billy and I stayed in the hotel, we were both hurt but Billy had borne the brunt of the attack.

  Despite our injuries Billy and I returned to the bar the following night. We didn’t want to court trouble but we did want to show our faces. The bar owner immediately came over and spoke to us. He apologised for the previous evening and offered us free drinks—he even had all his staff, including the bouncer, apologise one by one.

  The owner sat at our table and told us that he had discovered who had started the fight and now realised that Billy and I had not been at fault. He said that Alan and the two Germans were now banned from the bar and that if they turned up they would be dealt with.

  Eventually Leli and I became friends and she told me that she did in fact sleep with Alan and that he had fallen in love with her, but to her the liaison had been nothing more than a business transaction. She said she’d been hanging around us in the hope that we would scare Alan away as he had been stalking her. She said that she hadn’t meant to cause us any harm and I believe her.

  I have no doubt that Billy and I were targeted that night because a stupid tourist thought he had found love with an Indonesian prostitute.

  Empty Barstool

  One of the many reasons a lot of expats and tourists come a cropper in Bali is the lack of enforced drink-driving rules. It’s a bit of an anomaly that Indonesia has the largest Muslim population in the world yet a large part of its tourism industry is built on the availability of alcohol. I can imagine it being a bit of a thorn in the side of the more radical Islamic groups in Java, Sumatra and other parts of the country that in Bali the Bintang flows freely.

  While riding home drunk one night, I failed to take a corner and slammed into a brick wall doing forty kilometres an hour. I took the wall on my shoulder—years of playing Australian rules football as kid probably helped—but the bike hit the wall, flew in the air and came down on top of me, breaking one of my ribs.