Writer's Block

by Kluivert Galea

  Chapter 2

  Eleanor Rigby

  It was still dark out, when Kraig woke up from a displeasing dream. He propped himself up against the headboard and looked at his phone, it was still 05:30. He could sleep for another half hour but he had no intention of going back to sleep and finishing that dream.

  “After all these months,” he whispered to himself. He shook his head in disbelief as he looked down.

  “Fucking hell, Ray,” he whispered once more, as he slowly planted his feet on the ground.

  He picked up his phone and quickly scrolled through his music. He played ‘A Day in the Life’ and started making his bed as he hummed to the tune. After that was done, he put on his white Marvel shirt with the ‘Avengers’ on it, portrayed as eight bit figures, then wore his favourite blue zip-up hoodie on top of it. He put on some black pants, grey shoes and he scurried off downstairs.

  “You’re up early,” said his mother as she saw her son, only thanks to the lights inside the house.

  “So I am,” he said, smiling at his mother, “Don’t worry about breakfast today, I’m not that hungry. I’ll just have some cereal.”

  Catherine said, “That’s unusual, is something wrong? Is anything on your mind?”

  “Just a couple of ghosts from the past,” he replied, knowing she’d understand immediately (and that she knew he was a bit dramatic), “But that’s not it. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t let something like that screw me over, it’s just one of those days.”

  And so he poured himself a bowl of cereal and finished it slowly and forcefully (he forced himself; he didn’t ram the spoon through the bowl), his stomach refused to work that day. He then washed his face with cold water to snap him out of his groggy state, brushed his teeth and made his way to school, the same way he did yesterday: hood on, headphones on and at the back of the bus.

  He got to school early, but luckily, so did Gary. Gary waved at him, then walked towards him as Kraig made his way towards the main gate. He waved back in a strange and awkward fashion; only waving his hand part way as if some force held his hand in place and wouldn’t allow him to move it.

  “What’re you listening to?” asked Gary, as Kraig put away his headphones before he greeted him.

  “It’s Led Zeppelin, specifically the album, not the band. They have the same name, I’m sort of stuck in the past,” said Kraig with a half-hearted smile.

  Noticing the small group of people huddled around Gary, he glanced around in all directions, moving just his eyes, not knowing how to react or where to look in that situation. Thankfully, Gary wasn’t socially inept.

  Gary introduced him to the people around him (who were also his friends, not just random bystanders, mind you). He introduced him first to Ronald, though everyone just called him Ron, because Ronald sounded stupid to him. He had short, scruffy brown hair and wore loose-fitting clothes. He wasn’t very tall either, being slightly shorter than Kraig (who wasn’t all that tall either).

  Next, he was introduced to Eric, a tough looking man (he was eighteen, bordering on nineteen, but he sure as hell looked like one) who wore a tight-fitting black t-shirt, so the tone of his physique clearly stood out. He definitely created some mixed feelings for Kraig. On one hand, he looked like he could snap anyone like a twig but on the other, his smile was gentle enough to tell you that he wouldn’t harm a fly.

  Standing next to them were Tim and Paul, who were discussing some school related matters with Gary (they’re not important to the story though, so forget about them).

  Some time had passed, as they conversed at a table in the school canteen. Kraig barely uttered a single word; he only occasionally uttered ‘yes’ or ‘no’, and whenever he was asked a question where those two responses didn’t fit, he would, at most, say half a sentence.

  Kraig looked at the time and noticed it was almost time for English. Gary stopped him as he stood up to leave.

  “We’re going to catch a movie next Saturday, you busy?”

  Kraig, unwilling to break out of his shell, responded, “I’m… uh… busy.” He looked away and scratched the back of his head.

  Professor Azzopardi paced around the room, rubbing his chin, before finally speaking, “Literature, as most of you already know, is art, and just like the many other forms of art, it falls upon each and every individual who has seen said art, to look and relate to it from his own unique perspective. Just like many other things in life, we have favourites in literature, as of course, we have favourites in everything else, or at least, I hope you do because that is today’s lesson. It can be hard of course, to decide what your favourite piece of literature is. There are, after all, various forms of literature, such as novels, short stories, poems and then, even those can be divided further into genres and so on, but for today, we’ll start with a simple question which, as I have just said, is not so simple after all. What is your favourite poem and why is it so?”

  Most of the class raised their hand except for a select few, and Kraig, who was sitting in the back corner near a window.

  “You there,” said the professor looking towards Kraig. The professor’s sudden exclamation diverted Kraig’s gaze away from the window and towards him.

  The professor noticed his puzzled look. “Yes, you,” he said, as if to hammer out Kraig’s disbelief, “What is your favourite poem?”

  Out of all these fucking people, thought Kraig, then he spoke up, “I guess it would have to be, uhm… ‘Ozymandias’ by Percy Shelly.”

  “How so?” asked the professor.

  “Well… I think that ironically enough, so far, unlike the empire of Ozymandias, the poem stood the test of time. The concept of the poem is relatively simple and easy to grasp, so I find it’s really effective at getting its message across, and quite frankly, just like how Ozymandias’ empire fell, nothing in our life lasts forever, whether it be romance, money or our very lives. As time passes on it all withers away and the only thing that remains at the end, is our memory, and even our memory fades from the minds of our loved ones, as even those perish. So, in the end, the only things that remain, are the arts; whether it be literature, painting or sculptures. The ultimate memory of a human which doesn’t so easily perish, is art. So, I guess the point of it all is, no matter how great you might be, at the end of the day, those who will live on forever, are the ones who are capable of creating something.”

  Kraig looked to his right and noticed the girl from yesterday morning looking at him as he sat back down. She whispered something to her friend in the seat in front of her. Kraig knew that she was making fun of him. The girl asked her friend if they had covered Ozymandias back in secondary, since she couldn’t recall the poem.

  “Fuck me,” murmured Kraig under his breath, sure that he was being ridiculed.

  It was break-time and Kraig was hanging out with Gary, Ronald and Eric, as they sat around a table at their canteen.

  “So?” Eric started, “What’re your dreams, what do you want to be?”

  Kraig built up the courage to momentarily break out of his shell and finally join in the conversation, “Truth be told, I don’t know. I like Literature and History, so I guess I’ll just go wherever the wind takes me. Only problem is, the sail’s broken, so the ship’s stuck at port.”

  Gary chimed in, “But you’re a smart lad. I’m sure you could do anything if you put your mind to it. Everyone spoke highly of you back in secondary.”

  “I don’t know about that,” said Kraig, laughing.

  Kraig was slowly becoming accustomed to his new friends. Although looks from outsiders still gave him shivers, and he wasn’t a social butterfly quite yet, but at least these people didn’t scare him as much. He found comfort in how much the four of them had in common; all four of them loved videogames and this was the primary topic of conversation that seemed to tie their strings of fate together.

  Aside from videogames, Eric and Ronald also liked Anime and Gary enjoyed making fun of it, so I guess that counted as another topic for conversatio
n. But it seemed that Kraig was alone in his love for Cowboy Bepop, as no one had seen it.

  As they conversed, Kraig noticed ‘the’ girl looking at him from across the canteen. Their eyes met and anger seeped its way into Kraig’s mind, as he imagined what she could be saying to her classmates to belittle him.

  Ron noticed his staring and spoke up, “Did that chick catch your eye, lad?”

  “What?” said Kraig, “No, of course not. She only looked my way to make fun of me. Besides, even if that wasn’t the case, she’s out of my league.”

  “Or maybe, she looked because she thinks you look good,” jumped in Eric, “So are you going to talk to her? Because if not, you should probably stop staring.”

  “She’s not going to turn to stone if I look at her, right? No snakes coming out of my head, so where’s the harm?” said Kraig, with a slight smile, diverting his gaze away from the girl. The three others slightly chuckled along with him.

  “She won’t turn to stone but she’ll definitely file a restraining order,” replied Gary, laughing.

  At that moment, Kraig had a sudden moment of self-reflection, as he realised what was happening. He was naturally talking with these people, he was laughing with these people, he was worried of course, he wasn’t quite ready to fully become friends just yet, but he also somehow felt at ease, but still thoughts crossed his mind. I’m not prepared to shatter my bubble, I’m not ready to commit myself to friends yet, I’m… not a lot of things, am I?

  Kraig had given up on people, he was sure of that and for a second, he thought that maybe he had made a mistake by becoming acquaintances with these people. Was he ready for the commitment? Is it stupid to worry about commitment when you’ve talked to these people for a collective amount of less than a day? Here’s a hint: Yes, it is.

  He was just overthinking a small interaction. After all, all they really did was exchange a few jokes, Earth to Kraig.

  He had all too clear memories of how horrible people could be, could he afford to go through that again?

  “Hey, Earth to Kraig,” repeated Gary, waving his hand in front of his face, “You’re lost in space. You okay there?”

  “What? Yeah, I’m fine, just got lost in thought for a second there,” he said.

  “Thinking about that las?” said Gary, teasing him.

  The break eventually came to an end but before school did, before Kraig could go to the coffee shop he frequented, he had to go to his last lesson, English. Again.

  The English lesson eventually came to an end and Kraig felt relieved that he didn’t have to speak up in front of the class this time around. He put his hood on and made his way towards the gate as he fumbled with his headphones, trying to untangle the wire. He caught the bus that stopped him ten minutes away from his house by foot, and five minutes away from a coffee shop he liked to frequent, Hot Joe’s.

  He took a seat near the entrance and slowly sipped his hot chocolate (even though it was September) and revised his notes for about an hour. Just as he made up his mind to leave, a voice behind him caught his attention, “Kraig? Oh my God, how are you? It’s been so long.”

  Kraig looked behind him towards the voice, it was Ray. After visiting the same coffee shop she loved for so long, he finally got to see her again. He had a feeling he eventually would. He was at a loss for words and didn’t really know what to say, but he decided a simple ‘I’m fine’ would do.

  “So,” she said, pulling back a chair then deciding to keep standing, “What have you been up to?”

  “Nothing much, I was just going over some History notes,” Kraig said, as he put them away.

  “What else is notable?” he muttered to himself.

  “Well, I got into sixth form, despite all my worrying. So I guess that’s good,” he said, forcing a smile for her sake.

  “I told you, you had nothing to worry about, you were always smart and shouldn’t have doubted yourself,” she said, as she gave him a small jab on the shoulder. “So,” she carried on, “Have you broken out of your shell yet? Or are you still in your own private, little world?”

  “No,” Kraig replied, as he scratched the outside of his wrists, “I… uh… made some new friends, or rather, I made friends with a previous acquaintance, who then introduced me to his friends, who also became my friends. Or, at least I think we’re friends. Anyway, I’m not sure what a friend consists of but I’m pretty sure I’ve got some now.”

  Kraig looked up from his bag as he finished his sentence and got up, and that’s when he saw a tall, well-toned man, holding Ray’s hand (who, if you haven’t figured it out, didn’t see because his head was planted in his bag). He knew his name all too well, John. He tried to forget that name, hell he’d wipe his memory clean of all four letters if that meant he wouldn’t ever see the name assemble in his mind.

  “I’m glad I saw the both of you, but I have to get going,” said Kraig, as he pushed in his chair, both of them walked to a different table. Kraig saw them smiling and laughing from the corner of his eye, it seemed as though they couldn’t be happier.

  What did you hope to accomplish by coming here, Kraig? What was the point of wasting your precious time at this exact same spot? Was it to get some closure? He didn’t know why he frequented the place or what he had hoped to achieve either, he had left feeling the same way he had entered, empty. But now more terribly so, but there was also something else. A burning sensation coursed throughout the left side of his chest and seemed to press against his heart as if to squish it, but it kept beating, God knows that despite everything he went through, it never stopped beating.

  He put his hood on and walked out of the shop. Ray stared at him as he left through the door and, looking back at John, regret and guilt seemed to fill her heart. But it’s a bit too late now to fix your mistakes. Isn’t it, Ray?

  When Kraig arrived home, he found his mother waiting for him, with dinner laid out on the table. They both stood at the table and ate slowly, savouring the food. Their phones stayed in their pockets; that was the rule of the house, no phones during dinner.

  “How was school?” asked Catherine.

  “It was fine, Mum, I made some new friends, they invited me out to the movies, I said no.”

  Catherine sighed, she put down her utensils and shook her head in disbelief. “Listen, Kraig, you can’t keep living like this, you can’t just keep isolating yourself in your own little bubble. You spent an entire summer asleep in your room, playing videogames and sleeping it away. You need to get out, make some friends, do something else and make some memories, instead of sleeping and playing videogames all day.”

  “I don’t want to go out with friends, people may seem nice but everyone’s an asshole in one way or another. I already told you, I don’t trust anyone but you.”

  “Not everyone. You were just unlucky and found the worst possible people, but if you would just talk to other people, I’m sure you’d find the right ones.”

  Kraig quickly changed the subject. He wanted to avoid a discussion about his past (fairly recent past) as he felt it was coming up. He had spent almost the entirety of last summer running away from it. He wouldn’t talk about it nor would he hear about it, but perhaps he didn’t want to hear because deep down, he knew that his mother was right.

  He always believed she was. Whatever was going on through his head, at that moment, only one thing was certain about him. He was putting up walls; isolating himself from any form of human contact.

  But the discussion still came up, he was completely honest to his mother and when he told her about seeing Ray again, she told him what she had told him a million times before, to let her go.

  After he finished dinner, he took a quick shower and went up to his room, where he played videogames once more and then crawled into bed once the pills made him specially sleepy and felt as if he could no longer keep his eyes open. He had hoped the pills would give him some peaceful sleep and that he wouldn’t dream about her again, but even though he was so sleepy, he could bar
ely keep his eyes closed.

  Sleep didn’t come easy, his body refused to sleep, as he was plagued by thoughts of a past buried under with the help isolation. And as he was alone with his thoughts, he felt like a complete imbecile; going to the same coffee shop over and over. He told himself that he liked that place and perhaps he truly did, but maybe he used that as an excuse to fool himself.

  He was mostly there because he knew that eventually Ray would be there, he just didn’t know why he actually wanted to see her. Whether it was out of a sense of still lingering attraction, hope for closure, or maybe just wanting to torture himself, because he thought he deserved it, he didn’t know.

  I guess, though, what he wanted most of all, was in fact answers; he wanted clarity. No, he needed it, that was it.

  Out of all those things, he wanted one simple question answered: Why? Then again, he wanted that question answered multiple times, for multiple different things.

  Kraig arrived at school a bit later than usual, the following day, but he was still rather early. He saw Ron, Eric and Gary talking to some girls he (thought) had never seen before. He started to make his way towards them, when he noticed that the girl who was ‘making fun of him’, was among them. How unlucky could one man be? he thought, And what the hell is she doing with my friends?

  He felt anxious and uncomfortable, but he forced his feet to move forward in an almost rusty-robotic fashion, but he eventually made it to his friends, where he greeted them (just the three guys, he’s not that great in social situations just yet, give him some time).

  Ron greeted him with a pat on the back and introduced him to the girls, “This right here, is Kraig. He likes videogames, he’s cool.”