Every Breaking Wave

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  Jeremy climbed on and then helped all of us on deck. It took me a second to get my sea legs as the boat bobbed in the cove.

  “I thought it’d be bigger,” I said.

  “That’s not something a guy wants to hear,” he said, shooting a coy grin at me and I laughed as my cheeks turned red.

  “Inappropriate,” I mouthed to him and he just smiled, bouncing his eyebrows up and down a few times before turning his attention back to the kids who were already busy exploring.

  “How long do you guys go out for? There’s no place to sleep.”

  “We only go out for the day to check on the traps and reset them. We leave before dawn and are back in the evenings. Can’t take in a haul after four p.m. on Saturdays and not at all on Sundays during the summer.”

  “Do you go out all year?”

  “Mostly. It’s not exactly fun in the winter. I’ve had a few scares on icy decks over the years.”

  “And doesn’t that scare you?”

  “No. It’s life as a fisherman.”

  “When do you go out again?”

  “The boat just got finished. Probably in a few days. Time in port means money lost.”

  He was called away by Sophie and Noah who were asking about the lobster traps and I moved to the front of the boat, staring at the line of vessels. I’d been to this town a million times and yet somehow I’d never paid attention to the people who lived here, the people who didn’t just come up to spend a couple of weeks and then return to their lives. In the short time I’d been back, I’d discovered it was a town of good people, hard working people who seemed to take a step back from the crazy world the rest of us lived in and just enjoyed life. I was glad to feel even a bit of that.

  ~~~

  Kevin and Aubrey had a nice set up in the back yard on the deck and luckily the bugs were staying away thanks in part to the low-humidity and homemade repellent Aubrey had made. It seemed to be working better than anything I’d ever found in a store and she promised to send me the recipe once we exchanged emails.

  The clams were delicious. They’d been deep fried to perfection and even Noah ate them up. We sat around talking while Noah and Sophie played, but when I glanced at my watch and saw it was past eight, I knew we needed to head back. It was way past Noah’s bedtime and I was getting tired myself. Aubrey gave me a hug before we left, promising to have us over again soon. I hoped she meant it.

  Noah didn’t want to leave, but after reassurance that he and Sophie would get to play together soon, he finally relented and not long after that, we were home. Jeremy helped me carry everything in, offering to stay and help me get Noah tucked in and settled, which I gratefully accepted. He was still worried about me because of my wrist, but I assured him I hadn’t taken anything stronger than Tylenol throughout the day because the pain was almost gone.

  I got Noah changed into his pajamas, but then he started fussing about going to bed. I blamed that on being overtired and that he was still on a high from the fun he’d had on the boat. Jeremy gave him a look though and said, “Listen to your mother,” and the fussing stopped. It took three different Curious George stories, all read by Jeremy, and Noah was finally ready for bed. I handed him his binky, but rather than putting it in his mouth, he laid it down beside him. I didn’t make a big deal about it. I didn’t mention it at all in fact, but I wondered if we might finally be nearing the end of that crutch.

  Once Noah was settled, Jeremy and I walked quietly into the living room. With Noah in bed, the house seemed too quiet.

  “He really had a good time. Thank you for taking him,” I said.

  “I’m glad he liked it. I just hope he aspires to something greater than being a fisherman.”

  “Hey,” I said quickly. “Don’t say that. I think what you do is incredible.”

  “It’s not an easy life though,” he began until I interrupted.

  “But you love what you do, right?” I asked and he nodded. “How many people can say that?”

  “You’re an excellent boost to the old self-esteem, Beth,” he smiled, only a little shyly this time and before I knew what I was doing, I’d rested my hand on his arm and was staring into his eyes. I could feel his gaze deep in my body and I tried telling myself it didn’t feel as good as it did. “Good night, Beth,” he said softly and then I was surprised as he leaned in, kissing me on the cheek. “Let me know if you need anything.”

  “I will,” I said, and he turned to leave, but then he stopped. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” he said and then smiled, looking down at the floor as a low chuckle flowed from his throat. “Just a twenty-seven-year-old man with the sweaty palms of an adolescent.” He looked up again, seeming a little less nervous this time. “I’m just gonna come out with it. I like spending time with you, Beth. I think you know that, and unless I’m mistaken, I think the feeling’s mutual.” He took a breath and I remained quiet until he spoke again. “I was wondering if I could take you out sometime…and not just to a softball game or to the Bonnie Bell, but really take you out.”

  The smile that graced his face now was one of relief, but I didn’t know what to say. I knew I shouldn’t be surprised. I’d felt a connection to Jeremy almost instantly, which meant he had to have felt it too. He’d flirted with me and I knew I had too. There was something there when we looked at each other, a feeling of warmth whenever our eyes met. I knew my eyes drifted to the little house next door more times than I admitted, wondering what he was doing and when I’d see him again. I felt like a teenager hoping to catch a glimpse of my crush as he walked down the hallway at school. As I stood before this man though, I was reminded again that I was not a teenager, but an adult with a life with adult problems and I didn’t have time for this. I had time for Jeremy, the friend, but not time for anything else. A wounded heart can’t heal all at once and I needed more time. I didn’t love Darren anymore, but I still wasn’t over what he’d done to me or Noah. I’d come back to Travers Cove to find who I was without Darren, to prove Noah and I would be okay. Meeting Jeremy was not in the plan and as our eyes remained locked, I felt an irrational anger begin to travel up my body. Why had he asked me on a date? Why couldn’t he leave well enough alone? I wasn’t too stupid to deny our attraction, but I was fine with things the way they were developing. Look, but don’t touch, remember? He wanted to do more than look and I was upset he was ruining my plans.

  “You didn’t have to do this,” I said curtly.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You didn’t have to use my kid to get to me.”

  I heard the words leave my mouth and they were bitter. I couldn’t believe it was me saying them and when I saw the look on Jeremy’s face, I would’ve given anything to take them back.

  He physically lurched back and his eyebrows creased in confusion. I didn’t blame him. I might as well have slapped him across the face with how cruel my words were.

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “If you wanted to ask me out, you should’ve just asked me out. You didn’t need to use my son the way you did. He’s connected with you and that’s not fair.”

  Again, my brain was registering what I was saying, but I couldn’t stop myself. It was the wall I’d built after Darren betrayed me talking.

  “That wasn’t my intention, Beth.”

  I could tell by his voice he was both defensive and disappointed. I hated hearing his voice like that.

  “Then what was your intention, Jeremy?”

  He didn’t say anything for a moment and I knew I should say something. I should apologize for being a crazy bitch, but my lips remained sealed.

  “I had no intention. I think Noah’s a great kid and I happen to think so is his mom. There was never a motive when it came to you.”

  “I don’t have the energy for this,” I said, feeling tears burning the backs of my eyes. I didn’t know why they were there, but they were. He couldn’t see them though. He couldn’t know how much I cared, when the truth was I cared v
ery much. “I can’t do this right now, Jeremy. I’m sorry.”

  You could’ve heard a pin drop the silence was so loud and he finally tore his gaze from mine.

  “Umm…” he began and the awkwardness was so heavy between us you could’ve touched it. I knew he’d done nothing wrong and I was treating him like a criminal. I couldn’t even rationalize it myself. “The grass is getting a little long and I know your sister’s coming. Would you mind if I mowed?”

  “That’d be fine, thank you,” I said with a formality not usually reserved for friends, which is what I thought Jeremy was. I knew after this incident that label would change to neighbor because I’d shown him a side of instability that sends guys running. No one wants my baggage. No one wants a woman trying to find her self-worth again. No one wants a woman who’s suspect of everything and doesn’t know the meaning of trust anymore.

  “Good night, Beth,” he said and I didn’t answer. I shut the door quickly after he was gone, telling myself I would be okay. Jeremy would not ruin my goals for the summer, but as I peeked out the window, watching him open the door to his house, I had a feeling he already had.

  Nine

  “I can’t believe we’re finally here!” Amy sighed when she opened the door of her minivan, stepping out as if they’d been on a cross-country trek rather than a drive from Narragansett. My sister looked weary, her blonde hair a frazzled mess and her make-up looking as if it had started melting off her skin. She was a couple of hours behind schedule because of a flat tire. I’d received a frantic phone call while she waited for AAA on the side of the road. I could hear Spencer and Brent arguing in the background and I knew my sister was on the verge of losing it. I’d calmed her down and now that she was here, she could relax.

  “Don’t worry, I’ve already got the margaritas ready to go,” I laughed, hugging her tightly and then helped her bring in the luggage. The boys were already playing in the living room, leaving Amy and I to talk.

  “You’d better have a whole pitcher just for me after that trip. I swear I gave birth to the spawns of Satan.”

  “They’re not that bad,” I laughed and she rolled her eyes.

  “They are. Just wait till Noah gets older. It’s only downhill from here, little sister.”

  I laughed again, grabbing her by the shoulder and giving her another squeeze.

  “I’m so glad you’re here, Amy,” I told her and she turned to me.

  “You okay, Beth?”

  “Yeah. Just really glad to see you.”

  “Well, by the end of the weekend, you might not be thinking that.”

  “Never. You don’t know how good it is to have you here.”

  My sister eyed me curiously, but before she could say anything else a blood curdling scream erupted from the living room. We rushed over to see Spencer sitting on top of Brent while Noah cracked up.

  “See? Spawns of Satan,” she said before pulling her sons apart, but all I could do was laugh.

  ~~~

  It didn’t take Amy long to relax once we got settled in. We’d had lunch and then went to the beach for a bit before I came home with Noah to nap while Amy and the boys stayed. I’d been busy getting ready for Amy’s arrival, but that hadn’t stopped me from thinking of Jeremy, wondering how I could make up for last night, wondering if I even wanted to make up for it. I’d been scared last night and while the way I reacted wasn’t justified, maybe it was for the best. If he believed I was a bitch not worth his time, maybe he’d stay away, which was probably the only way I’d be able to make it through this summer. I knew it would crush Noah though, who’d run out to say hi to Jeremy when he came over in the morning to take care of the lawn. I watched discreetly through the window at their exchange, curious to see if my behavior last night would affect Jeremy’s demeanor with Noah. I felt a lump form in my throat when I saw it hadn’t. Even though I’d been terrible to him last night, accusing him of using Noah to get to me, he was still so sweet with my boy.

  I hadn’t seen Jeremy after that. He’d finished the yard quickly, said goodbye to Noah and disappeared into his house. I couldn’t deny I looked for him though, even though I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what to say to him even if I did see him though. I wanted Jeremy in my life; I just didn’t think I was ready for anything but friendship.

  Spencer and Brent stayed at the beach almost all day and were exhausted at dinner. I’d made shrimp tacos and rice, which went perfect with the margaritas I’d promised. The boys watched TV together for a while after dinner before they took baths and headed to bed. Amy was grateful for the quiet and so was I. I loved my nephews, but having three rowdy boys together all afternoon was more exhausting than I realized.

  Amy and I decided to sit out on the deck with our drinks, enjoying the surprisingly mild evening. My sister took a long sip and then stretched out.

  “It feels so good to be back at this place. I’ve missed it.”

  “I can’t believe it took my cheating husband to get us back here.”

  “At least he’s good for one thing,” she said and we both laughed as our eyes focused on the headlights pulling into the driveway of the house next door.

  There was still a little bit of light left and I tried to keep my eyes lowered as Jeremy stepped out of the SUV. I wanted to keep my head down to avoid him, but that was being childish and so I looked up in time to see him give me an awkward wave before disappearing into his house.

  “Who’s that?” Amy asked quickly.

  “My neighbor.”

  “No shit, Beth. Who is he though?”

  “Jeremy Parrish.”

  “Parrish? Like the old couple at the market Parrishes?”

  “They’re his grandparents. Remember that kid who worked there sometimes, tall and lanky?”

  “That’s him?” she gasped.

  “You are correct.”

  “Shit,” she sighed. “He certainly grew up.”

  “Yes, he did,” I said softly and she sat up, turning to me.

  “Is there something going on with the two of you?” she asked and the excitement on her face made me laugh.

  “No. He’s a lobsterman and Uncle Jerry hired him to upkeep the yard.”

  “You’ve gotten to know him then?”

  “He’s been really great to Noah…and to me,” I added hesitantly.

  “What aren’t you telling me, Beth?” she asked and I sighed, knowing I couldn’t keep anything from my sister.

  “He asked me out last night.”

  “You say that as if it’s a bad thing.”

  “I’m not ready for that.”

  “You’ve gone out since you and Darren split up.”

  “I have, but…” I paused again for a moment before continuing. “I didn’t like any of those guys.”

  Amy’s mouth curled up into a sly grin and I knew what she was thinking.

  “If you like him, why is him asking you out a problem?”

  “Because I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to feel again.”

  “You’re crazy, Beth. He just asked you out. He didn’t propose. What’s wrong with having a little fun?”

  “Don’t do this, Amy.”

  “Do what? Talk some sense into you? I hate seeing what Darren did to you. You don’t deserve to sit around like you’re some old lady. You’re young, Beth. You’re beautiful and you have the best heart. Why should you be punished for what Darren did?”

  I didn’t say anything right away, but my eyes drifted to the house next door and I wondered if Amy was right. I knew she was right. I knew it didn’t make sense that I was punishing myself for the sins of my ex-husband, but betrayal and a broken heart cause all sensibility to disappear, leaving the person betrayed to wonder what was wrong with them to cause another person to hurt them so badly. Again, not rational, but it was my reality.

  “You wouldn’t understand, Amy.”

  “Maybe not, but I’m tired of seeing you suffering for what that asshole did. You deserve to be happy.”

&nb
sp; “It’s too late anyway,” I said.

  “It’s never too late.”

  “It is after what I said to him.”

  Her brow furrowed and she leaned back in the chair, waiting for me to tell her what I’d done.

  “Go on, Beth,” she said expectantly. I didn’t want to tell her because I still felt terrible about how I’d treated him.

  “I accused him of using Noah to get to me.”

  Amy shook her head and let out a low whistle.

  “Do you think that?”

  “Of course not. He’s great with Noah and Noah loves him.”

  “So, you’re just a bitch then?”

  “Don’t do this, Amy,” I said sternly.

  “Nice guys are hard to find and from what you’ve been telling me, one lives fifty feet away and you’re treating him like he’s some kind of sleaze.”

  “It just came out. It was a defense mechanism or something.”

  “You’re a head case, you know that, don’t you?”

  “I’m well aware of that,” I said, unable to keep myself from smiling a little. That’s why I loved Amy so much, because she had no filter and I needed to hear things in her sometimes harsh, but necessary, manner.

  “Then I want you to march your hot little ass over there and apologize and accept his invitation.”

  “Amy…” I whined until she interrupted.

  “No buts. It’s time to get back on that horse, little sister, and I couldn’t imagine a finer stallion to do that with.”

  I burst out laughing and she set her margarita down before standing up and pulling me to my feet, slapping me on the butt as she pushed me towards Jeremy’s house.

  “Get going!” she said and I turned to roll my eyes at her. “I’m going inside. Don’t hurry back.”