Every Breaking Wave

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  I saw him close his eyes, cringing at my words, but then he looked at me again and I felt his grip loosen on my arm.

  “I have tried telling you how sorry I am for what I did. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you and Noah. But you wouldn’t even give me a chance to make it up to you.”

  “Because you didn’t deserve a chance.”

  “No, I didn’t…but Noah did. You wouldn’t even try to work it out. You were dead set on ending our marriage without even trying to work it out.”

  “Are you serious right now, Darren?” I scoffed. “You can’t be serious! How was I supposed to react? I caught you having sex with one of my best friends!” I wanted to scream at him, but I kept my voice low, not wanting to wake Noah.

  “And it was the biggest mistake of my life! There’s no excusing what I did, but our family deserved a chance. I would’ve done anything to make it right.”

  “It could never have been right with us again. Ever,” I spat at him. “I trusted you, Darren. I trusted you to love me forever, but…”

  “And I will,” he interrupted me, brushing his fingertips over my cheeks. “Even if you never love me again, Beth, I will always love you. You will always be the one and what I did to you will always be my greatest regret. I think about it every day, trying to figure out why I did what I did, how I could ever think there could be anyone better than you.”

  “Darren,” I whispered quietly as our eyes locked and I felt goosebumps trail down my neck as his fingers ran across my skin. “Why are you doing this?”

  “Because I want us to be a family again,” he said softly and I opened my mouth to try and say something, but nothing came out. I was too stunned to speak. “I had a great time with Noah at Disney, but there was something missing.” He paused for a moment, glancing down briefly until raising his eyes to meet mine. “You.”

  “Darren…” I finally got out, but then he held a finger up to my lips to silence me.

  “All I could think about while Noah and I were gone was that you should be with us…that this should’ve been something we experienced together, just like we should’ve gone to Fenway together. Noah is our son. Part you and part me and we should be together. I know I messed up. What I did was unforgiveable, but I’m asking for your forgiveness and I’m asking you to consider being a family again because I love Noah,” he continued as his body drew closer to mine, the smell of his familiar aftershave activating a million memories. “But mostly because I love you, Beth, and I’ll never stop loving you.”

  As he drew closer, I knew I should step away. I should push him back, slap him across the face, tell him to go to hell, do something to get him away from me, but I didn’t. I’d once loved Darren. We’d shared a life together. We shared our son. He’d been a good man until he ruined everything with that one terrible decision, a decision I wouldn’t even consider forgiving. He’d begged me not to leave. He’d begged me to give us one more shot, but I’d refused. But now, as he stood before me, a small part of me wondered if maybe I should’ve tried to work it out…for Noah’s sake. He still loved me and I knew a part of me would always love him too.

  “I’m so sorry, Beth.” He was getting closer and I prayed he wouldn’t kiss me. I couldn’t have him kiss me, but then his lips landed on my cheek, the warmth of them searing through my body. What the hell was going on?

  “I think you should go,” I whispered and he pulled back.

  “Just think about it. Please,” he said softly and I nodded, opening the door and then quickly shutting it when he left.

  I pressed my back against it for a few moments trying to collect myself. Right after I found out about his affair, he’d begged me to take him back. I’d never even entertained the idea and he gave up, moving on with the dissolution of our lives together, granting me the quick, easy divorce I demanded and just like that, our marriage was over, the only proof we’d ever shared a life together was Noah, an unintentional participant in our battle. Darren had given me everything I’d asked for in the divorce. We shared joint custody of Noah, although I had him more than Darren did. I got the house too with more than adequate child support that he never missed. He’d done everything I asked of him. At the time I thought it was because he was anxious to move on with his life with Stacey or whoever else he wanted to bed, but now I knew why he’d given in to my every request. It was because he was sorry. He was giving me everything I asked because he felt guilty and it was the only way he could think to make it right. I wanted the marriage terminated after he begged me not to and when I didn’t cave, he didn’t fight me anymore because it was what I wanted and the only way he could make amends for his transgression was to give me what I wanted.

  “No,” I said out loud to myself as I started walking down the hall. “Do not let him get in your head.”

  I stopped at Noah’s door and peeked in. I was surprised to see he was already asleep. He must’ve been exhausted.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. My son was incredible. All children were. Their whole lives were ahead of them. What I wouldn’t give to go back and do it all over again because this was not where I pictured I’d be in my life. The possibilities for Noah were endless, possibilities I knew would be easier for him to achieve if he had both of his parents with him all the time instead of being bounced from one to the other.

  I tiptoed into his room, kissing him gently on the head and then made my way back into the living room, the gleam of headlights catching my eye. I peeked outside just in time to see Jeremy’s SUV pulling into the driveway. It was nearly eight o’clock. He’d never gotten home this late and I hadn’t heard a word from him. Where had he been? My mind started racing through the possibilities and I suddenly felt a little nauseous as I considered the fact maybe he was seeing someone else. The notion wasn’t ridiculous. It’d happened to me before and by someone who had promised to spend the rest of his life with me. Jeremy and I hadn’t even established what exactly it was we were doing with each other, but then he stepped out of the SUV. I could see he was in full lobster gear and I knew he hadn’t been with someone else. No woman would go near him smelling like that.

  He didn’t know I was watching him and he disappeared into the house. My phone was ringing a second later and I knew it was him.

  “I’m sorry I’m so late, Beth. The radar short circuited on the boat and we had a hell of a time getting back in. I keep telling Bill to get a new one,” he said when I answered the phone.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Everything’s fine. I’m gonna grab a shower. Should I come over when I’m done?

  I wanted to see him. He’d been my saving grace this summer, the one to show me my love life hadn’t ended with Darren, but I was too messed up right now. Darren’s proclamation had done a number on me and I didn’t need Jeremy around prodding and asking me what was wrong because I knew he’d see how distracted I was and I wasn’t prepared to handle it right now.

  “Actually, Noah got home tonight and I’ve got to do his laundry and get things in order,” I said, hating that I was lying to him, especially about something as stupid as laundry.

  “You sure? I could come over and help.”

  “I’m kinda tired, Jeremy. You must be too. How about tomorrow?”

  “Are you okay, Beth?” I shouldn’t have been surprised. I knew he’d hear the distraction in my voice.

  “I’m fine. Tired is all. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

  “Sure. See you tomorrow. Good night, Beth.”

  “Night, Jeremy,” I said and hung up the phone as my eyes drifted once again to the house next door, missing the man who lived there, and wondering what in the hell I was going to do.

  Eighteen

  Jeremy wasn’t nearly as late the next night. Just as Noah and I sat down for dinner, he pulled into the driveway. He must’ve seen us looking out the window because he waved before going inside to presumably shower and change before coming over to eat the plate of pot roast I’d set aside for him. />
  Noah and I had spent the day at the beach. He’d played with a group of kids while I ran my toes through the sand. It was almost as if Noah had never left and we’d returned to our routine seamlessly. The only thing out of the ordinary was a text from Darren. I wasn’t exactly surprised when I got it, not after our conversation the night before. He’d told me he hoped Noah and I were having fun and he requested a picture of Noah, which I promptly sent. As I’d sent the picture, my eyes focused on the date on my cell phone screen. I was almost startled when I saw it. I hadn’t realized how fast the summer was going. We only had two more weeks before having to return to Providence so I could get ready for the new school year to begin. I couldn’t believe it had gone by so quickly. Jeremy and I hadn’t talked about what would happen when I left Travers Cove. We hadn’t even defined our relationship yet and soon we’d be left with figuring out what to do when the summer was over.

  I tried putting it to the back of my thoughts as I pieced at my dinner and it wasn’t long before Jeremy was knocking on the door. He came in, all cleaned up from his day on the boat.

  “Hey,” he said when he walked in. I knew he wanted to kiss me, but Noah was around. Instead of a kiss, he opted for a hand to the small of my back when I stood up to get his plate.

  “Are you hungry?” I asked him and he nodded. “I’ll get your plate.”

  He sat down and instantly started talking to Noah about his trip. I loved watching them together. Jeremy was so attentive and I knew my son adored him. I had to say I did as well, which is what made Darren’s words that much harder to hear.

  Jeremy ate his dinner quickly and then did up the dishes while I helped Noah in the tub. It was all very reminiscent of the night before with Darren. I’d tried telling Jeremy I’d do the dishes. I wasn’t comfortable leaving them for him the way I was with Darren. Jeremy had insisted though and once Noah was out of the tub, we watched an episode of Paw Patrol and then it was time for Noah to go to bed.

  He was excited Jeremy was there to help tuck him in. We read Curious George three times again, only this time he was on a train instead of at a toy store. As we were walking out of the room, I realized Noah didn’t have his binky and he didn’t ask for it. I almost stopped to give it to him, but I didn’t, hoping maybe he was growing out of the need for it on his own.

  I felt Jeremy’s hand slide around my waist when we walked into the living room, spinning me around, and pulling me to him, not waiting to begin the welcomed assault on my mouth.

  “I’ve been waiting to do that since I walked in,” he said as he moved away from my lips and onto my neck. I closed my eyes as he ran the tip of his tongue over my throat and moved his hands under my shirt. “I missed you last night.” He was inching me towards the couch and then he collapsed onto me and I started laughing.

  “We can’t do this here,” I whispered. “Noah’s home, remember?”

  “Damn,” he sighed and then he kissed me before reluctantly pulling himself off of me. “My mind goes to mush around you.” We both laughed as we sat side by side, much more innocently than we had a moment before.

  “Sorry. That’s one of the downfalls of dating someone with a kid.”

  “I see it as a perk of dating someone with a kid. Noah’s way cooler than any of the douchebags I usually hang out with,” he said, both of us laughing as I turned to him, figuring now was as good a time as any to broach the subject.

  “So…are we dating?”

  Jeremy looked at me curiously, but then he smiled.

  “I’d say so. Did you have doubts?”

  “I was just curious. We haven’t really laid out this little arrangement we’ve created.”

  “If this is your way of asking if there’s anyone else, the answer is a resounding no, Beth. When I’m with someone, I’m with them all the way.”

  My mind instantly went to Darren. That had not been his mantra during our marriage.

  “I’m leaving in two weeks though,” I said and the lighthearted mood instantly vanished.

  “I know,” he answered simply.

  “We haven’t even talked about what we’re gonna do when I leave.”

  “I thought if we never talked about it, we wouldn’t have to face it.”

  Again, he laughed, but I could tell there was some truth to his words because I felt the same.

  “Ignoring it won’t make it go away.”

  “I know,” he said, taking my hand and kissing the back of it.

  “What’re we gonna do?”

  “Providence really isn’t that far away. I’d like to give it a shot…the distance thing. What about you?”

  “I’d like to try,” I agreed, not thinking about the doubts Darren had planted last night.

  “Then it’s settled. I’ve got you for the next two weeks. Let’s make the best of it and see what happens.”

  Nineteen

  My time in Travers Cove flew by and before I knew it, it was the night before I was to head back to Providence. Just as Jeremy had said that night, we’d made the best of it. Noah and I spent our days at the beach while Jeremy spent his days on the lobster boat, returning each night and spending the evenings with us.

  I didn’t want to think about getting in my old Camry and heading south in the morning, so I focused on finishing getting myself ready. Jeremy’s sister had invited us over for a barbecue, which thrilled Noah. He’d grown especially fond of Sophie over the summer. She’d come over nearly every day over the past few weeks and spent at least a little time with Noah on the beach and I knew he’d miss her when we left.

  It was a warm afternoon and I chose a sleeveless white maxi dress and sandals to try and stay cool. It was difficult getting my hair to cooperate between the humidity and the cast that I still donned. I couldn’t wait for it to finally come off in a couple of weeks. While I’d adjusted to life as the Incredible Hulk, I was anxious to get back to normal.

  I ran the curling iron over a few more strands and then gave up, pulling it into a loose twist and clipping it off my neck before applying my make-up. Jeremy was already ready to go. He hadn’t gone out on the boat, wanting to spend the day with Noah and me and was now entertaining Noah while I got myself together.

  They were playing Play-Doh when I walked into the kitchen. Jeremy glanced up at me and I saw his eyes travel the length of my body. I could tell he wanted me just as I wanted him. We hadn’t been together since Noah returned from Florida and I wondered when we’d ever find time to be together again.

  “Ready to go?” I asked as Jeremy continued to eye me.

  “I’m gonna need a minute,” he grinned slyly and I couldn’t help but laugh at his implication.

  “Then I’ll get Noah buckled in while you collect yourself.”

  I walked over, patting Jeremy on the back, my fingers tickling over his shirt for a few seconds. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to feel his hands on my body, but Noah was around and I was still not comfortable showing much affection in front of him yet. Noah didn’t need any more confusion in his life.

  “I’ll be right out,” he said, discreetly taking my hand and holding it for a moment, my eyes locking on his and I knew how much I’d miss these little moments with him when I was gone.

  I squeezed his hand, not wanting to get lost in my nervous anticipation and went to Noah, leading him out to the car, Jeremy joining us a minute later.

  “Are you all set there, cowboy?” I laughed as I shut the back door, having just finished strapping Noah into his car seat.

  “You women have no idea the struggle it is to be a man,” he said and I burst out laughing.

  “Struggle? I’d hardly call erections at inopportune times a struggle. Men don’t struggle.”

  “We do when women that look like you walk around in dresses like that,” he said, both of us stopping in front of the car, taking advantage of the few moments away from Noah’s prying ears.

  “This dress is perfectly modest.”

  “And that’s the problem. It molds to your body
just enough so all I can think about is what you look like underneath it.”

  He reached down and cupped my backside with his hand and I started giggling, shooing him away before making my way to the driver’s seat.

  I was still grinning as I pulled out of the driveway and I could feel his eyes still on me. He reached across the console, surreptitiously placing his hand on my thigh as I drove towards his sister’s house. I didn’t move it. I liked having it there as an innocent reminder that he was there and Noah couldn’t see it. I knew I’d miss his touch when I left in the morning. The passenger seat would seem so empty without him in it.

  Jeremy’s hand remained there the whole drive and when we pulled up to Aubrey’s house, Sophie came bounding out the front door to greet us. Noah was just as excited to see his friend and Jeremy quickly helped him escape the constraints of his car seat, the two of them running into the house before we could stop them.

  Jeremy reached for the strawberry salad I’d brought along and we made our way inside.

  “Hey, you two!” Aubrey called to us from the deck. I could see her silhouette through the screen and we walked outside. Kevin was grilling and Aubrey was setting up the side dishes. I was surprised to see Mrs. Parrish sitting in a chair, a glass of iced tea in her hand.

  “Hi, Grandma,” Jeremy said, leaning down and giving her a hug. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “Of course I’d be here. I wouldn’t miss the chance to say goodbye to the girl who has you so smitten.” She smiled and then her soft brown eyes looked over to me. Jeremy looked over to me too and I could tell he was embarrassed by his grandmother’s words. “How are you, dear?”

  “I’m good, Mrs. Parrish,” I said, walking to her and giving her tiny frame a gentle hug.

  “That’s nice, dear. Please call me Peggy.”

  “Thank you, Peggy.”

  She smiled sweetly and patted my cheek before easing herself back into her chair.