Every Breaking Wave

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  “I miss that kid. It’s no fun cutting the grass anymore without his company,” he said as both of our minds drifted to the summer we’d shared. “How is he?”

  “He’s okay. He’s with Darren for the weekend. Noah was so proud when he told Darren he didn’t need his binky anymore. Darren insisted we had to celebrate the occasion, which is why I missed your call. I was at Chuck E. Cheese with Darren and Noah. We went for ice cream afterwards.”

  “Was it good?”

  “Not nearly as good as the stuff we had in Travers Cove, but any ice cream is good.”

  “What’d you get?”

  “Cookie dough Blizzard. How’re you gonna analyze that?”

  “I won’t. I don’t analyze Blizzards. Only pure ice cream.”

  I started laughing for a moment and then it grew quiet as I felt a sudden sadness overtake me.

  “I wish you were here,” I said softly.

  “Me too,” he said, the smile on his face disappearing and we shared the same somber expression. I wondered if he’d say he loved me again. He hadn’t said it since that night he told me. I thought perhaps it was because I hadn’t said it in return, but I knew he loved me. He didn’t have to say it.

  We Skyped for almost two more hours, laughing and joking and watching the Red Sox game together. I didn’t want to get off and I knew he didn’t either, but he had to get up early to go out on the boat and I could see he was tired. He kept yawning and so we reluctantly decided to say good night. When I hit the end button, I laid in silence on the couch, staring at the TV and hating that I was alone.

  Twenty-Three

  It was a lonely weekend. I stayed in mostly, cutting and labeling all of the beginning of the year things I needed for my class. The TV was on, but I only half-listened. I went to my parents’ house for dinner. They were curious about my summer in Maine. I hadn’t spoken to them much while I was away. I didn’t call and they only reached out a few times, to make sure I was alive, as they’d put it. They knew I needed the time away from everything and that included my family who’d spent the last year hovering over me after the separation. Aside from my sister’s visit, I’d pretty much kept to myself.

  I told them a little about Jeremy. I knew Amy wouldn’t have kept her mouth shut about him. My parents seemed intrigued by my new relationship and were entirely too eager to meet him when they found out he might be visiting in a couple of weeks. To be honest though, I wanted them to meet him too.

  I was glad when Sunday came though. I was ready to have my little guy home with me. I expected Darren to bring Noah back after dinner and sure enough, right on schedule at six o’clock, I looked up from the couch where I’d been reading, and saw Darren’s truck pulling up. I set my Kindle down and went outside to meet them. Darren unbuckled Noah who came running to me when he was free. I scooped him up and he wrapped his arms around me. I kissed him on the cheek and squeezed him back. Darren came over to us holding Noah’s backpack with an easy grin on his face.

  “How was he?” I asked, heading towards the front door.

  “Great. He missed you though,” Darren answered and I didn’t stop him when he followed us inside. “He kept talking about how much fun he’d had with us at Chuck E. Cheese.”

  I didn’t respond. Instead, I raised an eyebrow, choosing to ignore his prodding.

  “Can you stay, Daddy?” Noah asked and before I could say anything, Darren was answering.

  “Of course I can.”

  His grin was obvious and I hoped he saw me roll my eyes at him. I wasn’t surprised at Darren’s boldness. He’d always been arrogant. I’d found that sexy when I first met him. Now, I just found it irritating.

  “Can we watch a movie?” Noah asked.

  “A short one, but only after your bath.”

  “Fine. Let’s go,” Noah said, grabbing both of our hands and leading us upstairs.

  Due to Noah’s extremely quick bath, we were back downstairs and watching a movie in no time. I popped some popcorn and we all sat on the couch, Noah sandwiched between us while we watched an extended episode of Team Umizoomi, which Noah had no trouble accepting as his movie. He fussed a little when it was over though and it was time for bed, but eventually, we went upstairs. Noah brushed his teeth and climbed into bed. He insisted we each read him a bedtime story and then after our goodnight kisses, Darren and I made our way downstairs.

  “How long are we gonna go through this, Darren?” I asked him once we were in the living room.

  “Go through what?”

  “You finding some way to weasel your way back into my life?” I said, folding my arms across my chest.

  “I’m not weaseling my way into anything, but you must want me to weasel in if you can’t stop thinking about me,” he said and I couldn’t help but crack up.

  “You are so in love with yourself it’s sickening. How did I ever fall for your lines?”

  “Because they weren’t lines and because you know we’re perfect for each other.”

  “Puh-lease! I may have fallen for it once, but I’m not as stupid as I used to be,” I scoffed, but he didn’t crack a smile as I made my way towards the front door in hopes that he’d follow.

  “Do you see how happy he is?” Darren asked, sitting down on the couch again, obviously not getting the hint that I wanted him to go home. “Do you see how he smiles when we’re together?”

  “Of course I see it, Darren,” I said sarcastically. “Every child wants their parents together, but we’re not together anymore and in case you’ve forgotten, that wasn’t my doing.”

  “I get it, Beth. I fucked up,” he said and I could hear the frustration in his voice as he abruptly stood up and came towards me.

  “Why won’t you let this go? Why are you doing this now?”

  “Because I made a mistake not trying harder than I did to keep you. I gave up too easily.”

  “It’s too late, Darren. We’re done. You made your choice and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually think you’re sorry about what you did. I’ve finally gotten past it though and I’ve moved on.”

  He snickered, but he stepped closer to me.

  “You and that fisherman?”

  “He has a name.”

  “I know. Noah won’t stop talking about him.” Darren’s voice was soft and he stared down at the floor for a moment before looking back at me again. “It’s serious then?”

  “I think so,” I said, breaking our gaze as I tried to classify our relationship.

  “He’s a lucky guy. I just hope he realizes it.”

  “He does,” I said, confidently, and then I felt his hand on my arm, resting gently as his blue eyes met mine.

  “I don’t even like thinking of you with someone else. I can’t imagine what I did to you…the day you found out.”

  “Please, Darren,” I said, gently removing my arm from his hand. “I don’t want to relive that day.”

  I could feel the tears threatening to fall. I didn’t want him to see how much it still affected me.

  “I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

  It grew quiet again and then I felt his hand on my cheek.

  “I know you don’t think so,” he began gently. “But we could be happy again. It might take some time for you to trust me again and you may never trust me again, but we could be happy…like we used to be.”

  His eyes were piercing mine, so intense and serious and I didn’t say anything as he brushed a piece of hair off my forehead.

  “I want to kiss you, Beth. I haven’t kissed you since that day I screwed everything up.” His words were soft and his eyes drifted over my face slowly and his mouth curled up into the slightest of smiles as if he was remembering that day. “You and Noah were getting ready to leave. I’d helped you pack the car. You were wearing a white sundress and your hair was in a braid. You’d clipped your bangs back the way I like. Just before you got in the car, I took your arm like this,” he said, carefully gripping my forearm. “And I pulled
you to me like this,” he continued, until he’d pulled me to him so our bodies were touching. “And then I kissed you.” He drifted slowly towards me, but his lips stopped just inches from mine.

  I was stunned for a moment, both at the fact that he’d had the nerve to attempt something like this and because I didn’t jerk back right away.

  “I didn’t realize it was the last time I was going to kiss you and if I had, I would never have let you go.”

  “Until you decided to sleep with someone else.”

  I watched as he cringed from my words.

  “I deserve that,” he relented. “But I’ll take whatever you need to give me in order for you to see that we can fix this. We can be us again and Noah can have his family back,” he said, finally letting me go and resting his hand on the doorknob. I prayed he’d actually leave this time because I didn’t like that his words were edging their way into my psyche.

  “All of this because I’ve moved on with someone else?” I quipped, expecting some kind of reaction to my sarcasm, but I was surprised when his face stayed the same with a look of quiet determination.

  “No. Because I love you.”

  He reached for his keys and then I felt him pulling me to him, kissing me on the cheek and then he disappeared as I tried to catch my breath.

  Twenty-Four

  “What the hell is wrong with you? You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.”

  “What?” I asked, my sister’s voice ripping me from my drifting thoughts.

  “See. You’re not paying attention to anything I’ve said. What is the matter with you?”

  Amy and the boys had come over for dinner. She and I were sitting on the back deck while the kids played in the backyard. She’d started rambling about her job. She did that a lot and truthfully, she was an insurance adjuster so it wasn’t all that exciting. Plus, it was more difficult to pay attention than it usually was. I hadn’t stopped thinking about Darren or his attempt to get us back together. I should’ve told him to go to hell, but I hadn’t. I couldn’t do that.

  “I’m fine, Amy.”

  “Bullshit. You’re a million miles away. Is everything okay?” she asked and I didn’t answer at first. I hadn’t told anyone, let alone my sister about Darren. I’d hoped the issue would resolve itself and just go away eventually, but it was stuck in my mind and I couldn’t shake it. He was right about how happy Noah seemed when we were together. All I wanted in life was for my son to be happy and part of me felt that perhaps Darren had a point. The other half told me I was certifiably insane for even entertaining the thought of allowing myself to feel anything for Darren again.

  “If I tell you, you have to promise not to freak out.”

  “You’re starting to scare me, Beth,” Amy said with a nervous laugh. “What the hell’s going on?”

  “It’s Darren,” I said and I saw her scoff openly.

  “What about the dipshit?”

  “Lately, he…he’s been insinuating that we should try and get back together.”

  “What?” she exclaimed so loudly even the boys stopped what they were doing and looked up at us. She assured them we were fine and they got back to playing. “Is he serious?”

  “I think he is.”

  “So, why is this bothering you? You told him to go to hell, right?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “What?” she exclaimed again, only this time she was sure to be quieter. “And why the hell not?”

  “Because of Noah. Because he’s happy when we’re together.”

  She sighed and then pulled out her phone and started to type.

  “What’re you doing?”

  “Looking up the number to a psychiatrist because you’ve obviously lost your mind.”

  “Put that away,” I said, grabbing the phone out of her hands and she leaned forward, her brown eyes staring angrily into mine.

  “What is wrong with you, Beth?”

  “Nothing is wrong with me. I’ve just got a lot to think about.”

  “No, you don’t. You have nothing to think about. Darren is an asshole. I don’t care what kinds of lines he’s feeding you, but you’re too smart to fall for them.”

  “I’m not falling for anything. He’s just made me think about some stuff, namely Noah’s best interest. You can’t tell me his life wouldn’t be better if Darren and I were together.

  “No, I don’t think he’d be better off. I don’t think he should grow up seeing his mother as weak.”

  “I’m not weak!” I shot back defensively.

  “Your son will grow up treating women the way he sees his father treating his mother and if Noah sees you taking Darren back after what he did to you will show Noah that that behavior is okay.”

  “Noah is four. He doesn’t know what happened between Darren and me.”

  “Maybe not now, but he will when Darren does it again and then he’ll think it’s okay. He’ll think he can treat women like that. You can’t do this, Beth.”

  “I’m not doing anything.”

  “Then why are you even thinking about it?”

  “I don’t know! I just want to do the right thing…for everyone.”

  “And getting back with Darren is not the right thing,” she said and then paused for a moment. “What about Jeremy?”

  “Jeremy’s great. We’re great,” I stammered. We were great, but he had no idea about Darren. “He might come down over Labor Day.”

  “Then don’t screw it up!”

  “I wish you’d try and be a little more understanding. This whole thing is not easy. I’m just trying to figure things out.”

  “I’m very understanding, Beth. I’ve been there for you through all of this. I saw what he did to you…how it destroyed you and I’ll be damned if I sit back and watch you even think about going back to that piece of shit. He’ll break your heart again, that’s a fact.”

  “I’m not getting back with him. I’m happy. I’m happy with Jeremy.”

  “Remember that feeling then because it’s what you deserve.”

  Amy reached over, taking my hands and squeezing them tightly as she looked into my eyes. She was right. I knew she was right. I didn’t want to be with Darren again. I wanted Jeremy, but then my eyes drifted to my son and the doubt I so desperately wanted to go away started creeping in again.

  Twenty-Five

  The first week of school was always hectic. No matter how many times I did it, it never got easier. I was always fried by the end of the week, but at least I had something more to look forward to than just a weekend to recover. Jeremy was coming. He hadn’t been sure he’d be able to make it, but he’d worked it out and as I drove home from work, Noah in the backseat after picking him up from daycare, I was nervous. I’d been nearly a month since we’d seen each other and I knew some time together, time when I could actually touch his face instead of staring at it on the computer screen, would do us some good. We were going to have dinner with Noah and Saturday morning Darren would pick him up for the night. I was glad Noah would get to see Jeremy, but I was also glad we’d get some time alone. Alone time I desperately needed.

  I turned the corner and I felt the butterflies in my stomach when I saw Jeremy’s SUV in the driveway. I hadn’t expected him so early. I thought I’d have some time to freshen up…change out of my teacher clothes…brush my teeth…something. I wouldn’t get to do any of that though. He’d have to take me as I was, but something told me he wouldn’t mind.

  I pulled in next to him and I smiled over to him when our eyes met. It was so good to see his face and I couldn’t get the seatbelt off fast enough. He got out of the SUV too and even though I wanted to run into his arms, I had to get Noah out of his car seat.

  “You’re early,” I said as he approached me, his eyes seeming to devour me as he looked me up and down.

  “Or I could say you’re late,” he grinned and when he touched my arm, I could feel my breath starting to quicken having him so close again. Our eyes locked and I immediately started aching fo
r him. Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough so we could be alone.

  “You were just anxious to see me and couldn’t wait.”

  “I won’t deny that,” he said and then looked down at my now cast-less arm. I’d had it removed right before school began and it was good to be free of its restrictions. He picked up my hand, staring at it for a moment and then kissed the back of it. “I think this is the only part of your body I haven’t had the privilege of touching yet.”

  His deep, throaty voice made me blush and his grin told me he loved getting that kind of reaction from me.

  “I need to get Noah,” I said softly, trying to compose myself as we walked to the back door of the car.

  “Jeremy!” Noah called out when we opened the door.

  “Hey, buddy!” Jeremy called back and I quickly undid Noah’s seat. He climbed out and went straight into Jeremy’s arms.

  “I missed you!” Noah said, hugging him tightly.

  I couldn’t help but smile seeing them together again. I loved watching them together.

  “C’mon,” I said, gently taking Jeremy’s arm as he held Noah and we walked into the house.

  “Nice place,” Jeremy said, looking around the house. “It’s a lot different than the beach house.”

  “It is. I like the beach house better,” I mumbled, setting my bag in the chair.

  Jeremy heard my comment though and I could tell it’d piqued his curiosity.

  He’d set Noah down and he’d gone running upstairs.

  “I like your outfit,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “Cardigans are sexy. I think I’m hot for teacher.”

  “Shut up!” I swatted him playfully and then he pulled me to him. His body pressed into mine as I leaned against the counter. I could tell he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

  “God, I missed you,” he sighed and then pushed his mouth against mine and I felt like putty in his hands until we heard Noah’s bounding footsteps coming down the stairs. Jeremy pulled away and we were both breathless as we stood innocently next to each other behind the kitchen island.