Every Breaking Wave

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  “Point taken,” he said and I was grateful the waiter returned with our food.

  We ate quietly and I watched as Darren pieced at his alfredo more than actually eating it.

  “I’m sorry for using Noah to get to you,” he said quietly after too long a silence. “I don’t know what else to do though. I fucked up and I don’t know how to unfuck it up. I’m going crazy here, Beth. I’m going crazy without you.”

  He reached across the table, taking my hand and squeezing it fiercely. I could see the desire in his eyes, the way his gaze was piercing mine. The familiar gaze that I’d loved for so long…the same gaze that had destroyed me.

  “I don’t know what to do either.”

  “There’s no one I’ve enjoyed spending time with more than I do with you. Even now when I can see the disgust in your eyes at what I did, I’m happier than I’ve been since you left me because we’re together. You’re here and that’s all I want.”

  “Let’s just eat our dinner,” I said quietly and he nodded.

  We made very little small talk the rest of dinner. I watched him discreetly across the table. I could see the worry on his face, the frustration he was feeling at the whole situation, the sorrow and regret for what he’d done. I’d loved him once. A part of me still loved him. I don’t think you can ever unlove someone, no matter how badly they hurt you. Once they own your heart, they’ll always have a part of it. I knew this was true for Darren. A piece of me would always belong to him and a piece of him would always be mine, but I knew I could never give him my entire heart again. I could never forget what he’d done… how, even if it was only for a short time, our marriage vows meant nothing to him. Whenever I’d see him, I’d always remember what he’d done and I deserved to be loved by someone who, when I looked at them, made me feel safe and cherished, not someone I had to worry about finding solace in another woman. I deserved better. And better was waiting for me on the coast of Maine.

  “I think this was a mistake, Darren,” I said softly once we’d finished dinner. I waited for him to say something, but he remained silent, watching me, his lips edged into a hard line. “I can’t forget what you did. I know you’re sorry. I can see that, but I can’t do this anymore. It took everything for me to pick up the pieces and realize I’d be okay again after what happened. I forgive you for what you did, Darren, but it’s over between us,” I continued gently and I watched as the harsh lines on his face seemed to soften as he heard my words. “I want the best for Noah, but I can’t give him that without giving up my self-respect. I can’t bear to have my son think of me as weak if he ever finds out the truth about why we divorced. I’m sorry, Darren. Please, just take me home.”

  “I was a fool to think I even stood a chance of getting you back,” he said after a few seconds of silence.

  “I wouldn’t say…” I began, but was interrupted by the ringing of my cell phone.

  I reached into my purse quickly, trying to grab it so as not to disturb the other diners. I was concerned it might be Darren’s mom calling about Noah, but I was surprised to see Aubrey’s name flashing across the screen.

  “Hello?” I answered.

  “Beth, hi. It’s Aubrey. I’m sorry to bother you,” she began, but I could hear a tone in her voice that worried me.

  “You’re not bothering me,” I said quickly and I glanced up to see an annoyed expression wash over Darren’s face. I had to admit, the phone call was not at the most opportune time, but Aubrey hadn’t called me since I left Travers Cove. I wasn’t going to ignore her.

  “I…I don’t really know how to say this…”

  “What is it, Aubrey?” I interrupted quickly, my heart starting to beat in anxious thuds in my chest.

  “Jeremy’s boat…it didn’t come back today.”

  “What do you mean?” I choked out, my voice trembling.

  “They were due back hours ago. We had a pretty nasty storm develop up here while they were out. They haven’t been heard from since three o’clock saying they were coming back in before the storm got too bad. We haven’t heard anything else.”

  I could tell she was crying now and my heart was racing. A tear I didn’t even realize had formed, fell down my cheek, splashing onto my plate.

  “Oh my gosh,” I whispered, my hand flying to my mouth as I absorbed her words.

  “I wanted you to know. I don’t know what’s going on with you two right now. I know things have changed, but I wanted you to know.”

  “Thank you, Aubrey,” I choked out through the worried lump in my throat and I wiped at my cheek with the back of my hand. “Would you mind if I came up? To wait with you for any word?”

  “Please come. I’m trying to hold it together here, but I’m not doing a very good job.”

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can,” I said and then hung up the phone, staring at it, too stunned to move. This had to be a joke. Some kind of bad dream, but then I heard Darren’s voice and I knew I wasn’t dreaming.

  “What’s the matter, Beth?”

  “It’s Jeremy,” I whispered, breaking my gaze from the phone to look at him across the table. “His boat’s missing.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes. That was his sister.”

  “How does that happen? It’s the twenty-first century for God’s sake.”

  “I don’t know, Darren, but I need to go there…to be there when he’s found or if…” I said, choking up at the thought, unable to get the words out or even allowing my mind to go there.

  “You should go,” he said, reaching across the table for my hand and squeezing it again. Not romantically this time, but in a sign of support. “I’ll watch Noah for as long as you need.”

  “Thank you, Darren,” I said softly, smiling as best I could to show him my gratitude. He’d taken me through hell, but as I sat across the table from him now, I wasn’t mad anymore. Life was too precious to hold grudges and as our eyes met, we both knew this was really it for us and we were okay with that.

  I let go of his hand and stood up to find the waiter so we could pay the bill. Darren stood as well and gently took me by the elbow, pulling me to him in a warm hug.

  “He’ll be okay, Beth,” he whispered as he held me, and I so desperately wanted to believe him.

  Thirty

  Darren had driven me home where I rushed inside, frantically packing a bag with a couple of day’s worth of clothes before I jumped into my car and began the long drive to Travers Cove. My foot was heavy on the accelerator and I kept praying I wouldn’t get pulled over as I flew through the pounding raindrops that only seemed to get heavier the further north I got. It was nearly midnight when I saw the sign welcoming me to Travers Cover. Instead of going straight to Aubrey’s, I drove by Jeremy’s, hoping I’d see lights on or something that told me he was okay. I knew it was just wishful thinking on my part because my phone hadn’t made a peep during the entire drive. Aubrey or Jeremy would’ve called me right away if the boat had been located. No one had called though so I knew this nightmare wasn’t over.

  The lights were on at Aubrey’s when I pulled up. I rushed to the front door and it opened almost immediately when I knocked. Aubrey stood there, her dark hair pulled up into a sloppy ponytail. Her face was tattooed with worry and she grabbed me tightly.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” she said to me, pulling me inside.

  Kevin was sitting on the couch, but Sophie was nowhere to be found and I assumed she was in bed, probably clueless to what was happening.

  “Have you heard anything?” I asked as she led me in and we sat down side by side on the loveseat.

  “No. I talked to the Coast Guard about an hour ago. They’ve been trying to get a helicopter search going, but the rain and the wind won’t let up. It’s too dangerous out there right now.”

  “So, they’re not doing anything?” I gaped.

  “They can’t, Beth,” Kevin chimed in and then turned to Aubrey. “Your dumbass uncle should never have let them go out today.”

&
nbsp; “Let’s stop placing blame, Kevin,” Aubrey said, trying to remain calm, but something told me she agreed with her husband.

  “What happened? They had to have known about the storm,” I said.

  “We knew it was supposed to rain today. It’s been cloudy all day,” Kevin began. “It was supposed to start late this afternoon, but it started earlier and I don’t think it was expected to be this strong.”

  “They should’ve come in earlier, but Bill is trying to make up for those couple of weeks the boat was out of commission at the beginning of the summer.”

  “He still shouldn’t gamble like that though,” Kevin snapped and I had to admit, I was starting to share his anger towards Bill.

  “No, he shouldn’t. But, what’s done is done. There’s nothing we can do about it now, so let’s not worry about things we can’t change,” Aubrey said firmly and I nodded. “Can I get you something, Beth? Tea maybe?”

  “That actually sounds great,” I said and we walked into the kitchen.

  She turned on the kettle to heat up the water as I sat at the counter. I was trembling from nerves and I couldn’t stop.

  “Thank you for calling me, Aubrey,” I said as she was reaching into the cabinet for some mugs.

  “Of course,” she said softly and she busied herself getting our tea, setting a mug in front of me a few minutes later and sitting down beside me.

  The tea was hot and smooth and felt good sliding down my throat, warming my whole body. I could feel it doing its best to relax me.

  “Jeremy hasn’t said much about you since he went to visit over Labor Day,” Aubrey began quietly, taking a sip.

  “I wouldn’t expect him to.”

  “Did you two break up?”

  “No,” I answered. “But things are different.”

  “Can I ask what happened?” she asked. “I tried getting it out of my brother, but he just told me you had to work some stuff out.”

  I waited a few moments before answering.

  “I was confused and scared. My ex wanted to see if we could rekindle things…for Noah’s sake,” I finally told her.

  “Oh,” she said and I noticed the tone in her voice. I could tell she wasn’t happy I’d hurt her brother.

  “It was stupid, Aubrey,” I sighed, tears welling in my eyes. I blinked and they fell down my cheeks, splashing onto the counter. Aubrey handed me a napkin and I dabbed at my eyes. “I came here to move past what Darren did to me and when I found Jeremy I knew I’d be okay. I thought maybe Darren was right though. I thought maybe I should give us another shot, for Noah. I should’ve just left the past in the past. I saw how good the future could be with Jeremy, but I messed everything up,” I sniffed, turning my head to look at Aubrey. She didn’t seem upset how I’d suspected from her tone of voice earlier. She looked understanding as a tear escaped again. “I love your brother and now I may never get the chance to tell him that.”

  I started sobbing then and she stood from the stool she was sitting on and wrapped her arms around me. I cried into her chest for a long while and I could tell she was crying too. All I could think about was Jeremy, lost somewhere on the North Atlantic, going through God knows what. I tried stopping my mind from going to that dark place, but images began to flash through my mind. Images of him I didn’t want to see or even imagine. I couldn’t accept that there was a good chance Jeremy wasn’t alive. He could be dead for all we knew and I sobbed knowing he might’ve died thinking I didn’t love him, thinking that he hadn’t saved me from a lifetime of bitterness and fear, that he wasn’t the most wonderful man I’d ever known.

  “My brother loves you, Beth. He never told me he loves you, but I can see it when he talks about you. His eyes light up just saying your name. I’m so glad you decided to spend your summer here. You may think it was him saving you, but you saved him too and he knows that you love him…even if you never told him,” she said gently as she pulled back, wiping my wet cheeks with a napkin.

  “I’d give anything to tell him just once,” I said, doing my best to calm myself.

  “Tell him now,” she choked out. “Maybe he needs to hear it.”

  I closed my eyes, conjuring up his image in my mind. I could see him standing in the yard between my little beach house and his, wearing the old jeans he always cut the grass in and that worn Red Sox cap. I could see his soft brown eyes, that easy smile and the dimples that always did me in. I could almost feel him next to me.

  “Come back to me, Jeremy. I love you,” I said to myself and I prayed he heard me.

  ~~~

  Kevin had gone to bed shortly after I arrived. I’m not sure how much sleep he got, but someone needed to hold it together because Sophie was going to wake up in the morning with the typical energy of a five-year-old and someone needed to be able to deal with her.

  After we finished our tea, we sat together on the couch as the rain continued to pummel the windows and the wind continued to howl, trying to numb ourselves with reruns of Friends. It helped a little and for small intervals, I’d find peace until the sinking reality hit me again that Jeremy might be dead.

  We eventually drifted off to sleep. I’m not sure what time, but the last time I glanced at the clock, it said 3:15 a.m.

  We were startled awake at six o’clock by the sound of Aubrey’s phone ringing. She was scrambling to grab it, her nerves causing it to act like a hot potato in her hands.

  “Hello?” she said quickly when she’d finally controlled herself. “Yes. Okay. Alright. Thank you.”

  I found the short length of the conversation to be a good sign. If it had been the news we feared most, it wouldn’t have come in a phone call. Someone would’ve come to the house.

  “Who was that?” I asked the moment she hung up.

  “The Coast Guard. They’re resuming the search,” she said, a hopeful tone in her voice.

  I looked outside and saw the sun was shining. The sky was clear and aside from a few downed tree branches, there was no evidence a storm had been raging only hours before.

  “That’s a good sign,” I said.

  “They said they’ll call with any updates.”

  “So, we just wait then?” I asked rhetorically. I knew that was the answer.

  “That’s all we can do,” she sighed, leaning over and giving me a hug. “Why don’t you try and get some more sleep?”

  “There’s no way I’ll be able to sleep now, knowing they’re looking for him.”

  “I know. Me too,” she said, a large frown overtaking her face.

  “Mind if I take a shower actually?”

  “Be my guest,” she said, leading me down the hall and giving me a towel and wash cloth from the linen closet.

  Once in the shower, I quickly washed my hair and scrubbed my body. Then I just stood there for a long time as the hot water cascaded over me. I closed my eyes, turning my face into the stream of water, hoping it could somehow free me from the worry, but then my mouth and nose were overcome with the water and I started coughing, quickly turning away. The tears came then as I thought about the ocean overtaking Jeremy. Drowning him. Killing him. The thought of never hearing his voice again or feeling his touch was unbearable. My heart was shattering in my chest and there was nothing I could do about it.

  I sunk to the shower floor, curling myself into a ball as the stream continued to pour over me. My mind wandered to the memories of Jeremy. I could still recall the first time I saw him, the time I nearly took his head off. I remembered him holding my hand for the first time…our first kiss…when we first made love…when he first told me he loved me. All memories that were haunting me now because I didn’t know if we’d ever share those things again or make any new memories. Even now, as much comfort as those memories were bringing me, they were also torture because once you feel something the way I did with Jeremy, the thought of never feeling it again is impossible.

  A knock on the door interrupted my grief and I quickly pulled myself together, standing up and turning off the faucet, grabbing
the towel and stepping out of the shower.

  “Are you okay, Beth?” Aubrey’s voice called gently through the door.

  “Yes. I’ll be right out,” I said and I heard her walk away.

  She knew I wasn’t okay, but I was glad she’d checked on me. I would’ve been on the shower floor for God knows how long otherwise.

  I toweled myself off and changed into a pair of jeans and a fitted white t-shirt before running a brush through my hair and forgoing my make-up. I went back into the living room when I was done only to find it vacant. It was then I heard noise from the kitchen.

  I walked in to find Aubrey and Sophie sitting at the table while Kevin stood in front of the stove.

  “Miss Beth!” Sophie exclaimed when she saw me, jumping off the chair and wrapping her arms around my waist.

  “Hi, Sophie,” I said, squeezing her back.

  “Is Noah here?”

  “No, honey. He had to stay home this time,” I told her and I could see the disappointment wash over her face.

  “Maybe next time,” she pouted.

  “Definitely,” I said and then she disappeared into the living room. “Does she know anything?”

  “No. We don’t want to make her worry so we’re going on just as we would every other Saturday morning until we know otherwise,” Kevin said.

  I glanced over to Aubrey who shrugged her shoulders. I basically agreed with Kevin’s philosophy and I knew he was using routine as a way to cope with his anxiety.

  Aubrey reached over and turned on the small TV they kept on the counter. She changed it to the news where the anchors were discussing last night’s storm. They had the screen divided up into four squares with four different reporters in various locations along the coast. Then the screen focused just on the woman reporting from York where she was discussing some minor damage to the Nubble Lighthouse. It then turned to a reporter located along the pier in Travers Cove. All three of us grew silent as the man started discussing the severity of the storm in the “small, close-knit fishing community” as he described it. Then the anchor pointed to a Coast Guard vessel off in the distance, the camera zooming in as close as it could while the reporter told about the search and rescue efforts being done to find the missing lobster boat, Bonnie Bell, and its four crew members. The reporter went on to explain a few details about the rescue like the equipment being used and who was in charge, but I was numb and couldn’t focus on anything. I knew Aubrey and Kevin felt the same way and Kevin reached over, flicking off the TV manually.