Every Breaking Wave

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  “Thank you,” Aubrey whispered and Kevin went to his wife, holding her for a minute.

  “Let’s keep it off the news,” he said, looking between Aubrey and myself once he’d let her go. “We’ll just make ourselves sick. Now,” he said, trying to re-instate his routine. “I’m cooking breakfast and I’m insisting that everyone eat, even if you claim not to be hungry.”

  I didn’t argue even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat more than a couple bites and a half an hour later, the three of us tried to push down the scrambled eggs and hash browns while Sophie easily shoveled it in, completely unaware of the turmoil going on around her.

  We sat around most of the morning, numbing ourselves with TV. Aubrey spoke a few times with her Aunt Bonnie, Bill’s wife. It sounded as if she was just as broken as we were playing the waiting game. I was surprised to get a text from Darren asking about Jeremy. He assured me that Noah was doing fine and not to worry about anything else.

  With the TV as my background noise, I went about preparing for Monday. No matter what the outcome, there was no way I’d be ready to return to work on Monday. I emailed my principal to tell her about the situation and then sent another email to the other members of my second grade team. I attached lesson plans as best I could and I wasn’t surprised when they responded by telling me not to worry about anything and they’d fill in whatever I couldn’t take care of over the computer. It was a relief to know I had one less thing to worry about, but it did nothing to quell the fear that was growing stronger and stronger inside of me as each minute passed by without any news.

  ~~~

  I dozed off on the couch a few hours later. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and I eventually couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was in a deep sleep and it took me a while to wake up when I felt a gentle shaking on my shoulder.

  “Beth,” a soft voice was whispering into my ear. “Beth, wake up.”

  My eyes fluttered open and I saw Aubrey standing over me. I could tell by the look on her face she’d woken me for a reason.

  “They found the Bonnie Bell.”

  My heart stopped. My body felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds. I couldn’t breathe.

  “Is he okay?” I managed to squeak out.

  “I don’t know. I just know the boat’s been found south of Nova Scotia.”

  “Nova Scotia?” I exclaimed. “How?”

  “I don’t know. We’re meeting my aunt at the pier to wait for any word.”

  She didn’t have to tell me twice. I pulled on my sweater, grabbed my pocketbook and followed her outside. Aubrey and I were silent as we drove. Neither of us wanted to discuss the possibilities and I figured she was probably saying as many silent prayers as I was.

  The pier was crowded when we pulled up. A few of the TV stations had vans and reporters there. There were also the curious locals, mulling around for any word on the crew. Aubrey found a spot to park and we made our way through the people until she waved at a woman I assumed was her aunt. They hugged quickly and then Aubrey introduced me.

  “Aunt Bonnie, this is Beth Sawyer, Jeremy’s girlfriend,” she said and I was glad to hear she didn’t hesitate when she introduced me.

  Bonnie, who I assumed was the inspiration for Bill’s boat’s name, grabbed me into her thick frame and hugged me.

  “I’m so happy to finally meet you. I’m just sorry it’s under these circumstances.”

  “Me too,” was all I could think to say and then Aubrey turned back to her aunt.

  “Any more word?” she asked and Bonnie shook her head.

  “None. Come wait with the rest of us,” she said, taking Aubrey’s arm, who in turn grabbed my hand, and led us to a group of people I assumed were family members of Jeremy and Bill’s along with the two other crew members.

  It was quieter than I expected. A few side conversations were being carried on, but they were quiet and discreet. My eyes soon focused on Peggy, Jeremy’s grandmother, who was sitting in a chair, her Rosary beads threaded through her fingers, her head down in prayer. I didn’t want to intrude, but I went to her side as Aubrey made her way around. I sat down in the chair beside her and gently placed my hand on her back. Her eyes opened slowly and she smiled when she saw me.

  “Beth,” she said softly. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “Me too,” I replied and I felt the lump forming in my throat and the tears stinging my eyes.

  She reached over, hugging me with her frail, little self.

  “It will be okay, honey,” she said sweetly, but I noticed right away that she said “it” will be okay, meaning whatever happened would be okay. She didn’t say “he” will be okay because no one knew if he would. She had more faith than I did because I knew it would not be okay ever again if Jeremy didn’t come home.

  We weren’t there more than a half an hour when my heart started to pound as a woman in a Coast Guard uniform made her way towards our group. Others must’ve noticed her approaching as well and the noise started to fade off until it was absolutely silent.

  “If I can have your attention please,” she said in an authoritative voice. She held everyone’s attention immediately. I held onto Peggy’s hand and I was surprised at how strong her grip was. My heart continued to thunder so loudly in my chest I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to hear the officer when she spoke. “It is my privilege to inform everyone that the four crew members of the Bonnie Bell have been found alive.”

  There was a collective gasp and then a cheer erupted. People all around me started hugging and kissing, but I couldn’t move. I just sat there, her words echoing over and over in my head. Silent tears poured down my face like a faucet, but still I didn’t move. I would see Jeremy again and I had so much I needed to say.

  Thirty-One

  The next few hours went by agonizingly slow. We didn’t know much, except that they were alive, which was all that mattered. I began to worry over any injuries he’d sustained, but I forced myself to stop. He was alive. I’d fret about his wounds after I saw him and knew for myself that he was okay.

  The crew had been brought aboard a Coast Guard vessel, which was on its way back to the area. We were told the ship would dock in Portland and they’d be taken to a hospital there that was more capable of handling unexpected events, such as this one. Aubrey and I piled into the car and followed the caravan to the hospital.

  Even though we knew Jeremy was alive, our drive to Portland was still a quiet one. I think we were in shock and we didn’t want to think he was completely out of the woods yet. He was alive, but to what extent, we didn’t know.

  Half-way through the drive, Aubrey received a phone call informing her Jeremy and the other crew members had arrived at the hospital and were being tended to. She squeezed my hand as she relayed the information and I forced a smile, trying not to be too hopeful.

  When we arrived at the hospital, a liaison was there to meet our group. I was amazed by the poise and calm exhibited by everyone. I figured someone would’ve been freaking out, but no one did, probably because we were all just grateful to know they were alive.

  Aubrey and I waited as patiently as we could while the other crew members’ families were informed about their loved ones. I was grateful Aubrey held my hand the whole time. It kept me grounded and focused and when it was our turn, my heart began its familiar pounding.

  “Which one of you is Jeremy Parrish’s next of kin?” the liaison asked.

  “I am. I’m Aubrey Chambers, his sister. This is his girlfriend, Beth.”

  The woman gave me a kind smile and then spoke to Aubrey.

  “Your brother is being treated on the second floor along with the other three men. If you’ll follow me, I’ll take you to speak with the doctor.”

  “How is he?” I jumped in quickly.

  “The doctor will speak with you shortly,” the woman said and I clinched my fist at hospital protocol. I knew she wasn’t a doctor, but I wished compassion could trump policy for a change.

  We made our way
up to the second floor. Aubrey went to the nurse’s station and introduced herself. The nurse paged a doctor who showed up a few minutes later.

  “How’s my brother?” Aubrey asked before the doctor could even introduce himself.

  “I’m Dr. Fastenelli. I’ve been treating Jeremy since his arrival and rest assured, he’s going to be just fine.”

  I felt like I could breathe for the first time since Aubrey called. The doctor was smiling. He said Jeremy would be fine. I could feel the tension that had been building since the moment I received the phone call at the restaurant finally melting away. Jeremy was going to be okay.

  “He’s all right?” Aubrey whispered, her hand covering her mouth, her eyes glistening with tears.

  “Yes. He’s being treated for hypothermia, dehydration and extreme fatigue, but he’ll be okay.”

  “Can I see him?” she asked and Dr. Fastenelli nodded.

  “Of course. He’s in room 232.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Fastenelli,” Aubrey choked out and then grabbed him, hugging him tightly. I could tell by his surprised look that he wasn’t used to being attacked by the family members of patients, but then he smiled and pulled back to shake Beth’s hand.

  “You’re welcome,” he said and then he walked away.

  “Let’s go see him, Beth,” she said, taking my hand to lead me to his room, but I stayed cemented to the floor and she stopped, turning to look at me curiously. “What’re you waiting for?”

  “You go first.”

  “We can go together.”

  “No. You’re his sister. You should see him first,” I said softly, knowing that wasn’t the only reason I was insisting she go without me.

  “Wait,” she said, letting my hand go so her hand dropped to her side. “You think he won’t want to see you.”

  “Maybe,” I admitted quietly.

  “I can assure you, Beth, you are the only person he wants to see right now.”

  Her smile was so caring and genuine. She truly believed that and something inside told me to believe it too.

  “You go and see him. I need to get my thoughts together. I got my second chance. I can’t screw it up.”

  “No, you can’t.”

  She hugged me again and then I watched as she disappeared into room 232 while I sat down, trying to find the words to tell Jeremy just what he meant to me.

  Thirty-Two

  I was sitting on a bench near Jeremy’s room. My heart hadn’t stopped pounding and then Aubrey appeared, walking directly to me.

  “How is he?” I asked right away.

  “I was right,” she said, a little smile forming on her mouth. “He only wants to see you.”

  She reached her hand out and I took it as I got to my feet. I breathed in deeply and then looked at Aubrey for reassurance. She squeezed my hand and then gently nudged me towards the door. I couldn’t help but be reminded of when Amy had pushed me back to Jeremy after I’d accused him of using Noah to get to me. From the moment I met Jeremy, I’d done everything to stay away from him, but now, as I pushed open the door, there was nothing that could keep me from him.

  I stepped inside the room. He was lying on the bed and when I saw him, my eyes connecting with his big brown ones, I couldn’t contain myself. He became a massive blur from the tears swelling in my eyes. I quickened my pace, nearly lunging at him until I was buried in his chest, his arms wrapping around me tightly and I sobbed uncontrollably. He was here. He was with me.

  “I was afraid I’d never see you again,” I choked out and I felt him stroke my hair.

  “I’m here, Beth,” he whispered.

  I crawled onto the bed, pressing my body against his as we lay together and we were quiet for a long time. I just wanted to feel him, to hear his breathing, to memorize everything about him. I knew I loved Jeremy. It’d taken this to finally admit it to myself and even though I’d figured it out, I wasn’t prepared to accept just how deeply I truly felt for this man. I couldn’t deny it anymore and I didn’t want to.

  “Don’t ever let me go, Jeremy,” I finally said, breaking our long silence.

  “I don’t plan to,” he whispered back and I finally pushed myself up to look at him, but I held onto his hand, afraid to not touch him for fear he might disappear. He looked tired and weak with heavy bags under his eyes. I knew he’d been through hell, but even still, I saw a loving smile on his lips. I reached up, running my fingertips over his cheek as quiet tears slid down my face. His eyes were red and moist too and I could’ve stayed in that moment forever.

  “When Aubrey called and told me you were missing,” I began softly, trying not to choke up. “I was terrified. I’ve never been so afraid in my life. I thought we’d lost you. You hear stories about this kind of stuff and there aren’t very many happy endings.”

  I stopped, trying not to let the emotions take over. He took my hand, kissing the back of it and running his fingers through my hair, the way that always left a trail of goosebumps down my neck. “All I could think was that I’d never see you again.” I traced his profile with my index finger. “That I’d never touch you again.” My palm drifted over his chest. “That you’d never hold me again.” I paused again, preparing myself to say the words I should’ve said long ago. “And my biggest regret was that you might die without…without you ever hearing me say I love you.”

  A collective pause settled between us as Jeremy placed his hand on my cheek, his gaze moving slowly over my face and our eyes remained locked for a few more moments until he spoke.

  “Say it again,” he said quietly as he cradled my face with his hand, his thumb tracing over my lips slowly.

  “I love you, Jeremy,” I whispered.

  “I already knew that,” he said with a sweet smile. “But I love hearing you say it.”

  He sat up and then his lips smashed against mine. He kissed me hungrily and I gave it right back. We needed to feel each other and he was doing everything he could to show me he hadn’t left me. Our tongues danced together and I sat on my knees, straddling him, wishing we were anywhere but this hospital room. I wanted to feel everything about him, not just his mouth. He pawed at my back, his needy fingers digging into my skin. I could hear him moan beneath me and it took all my strength to pull back before I wouldn’t be able to stop myself.

  We panted in unison, trying to gain control of our breathing, our foreheads resting against each other.

  “When I realized how bad the situation was,” he said softly, his breathing still labored. “I was scared. Not of dying, but of leaving you…of having you hurt again. The thought of leaving you behind terrified me. I closed my eyes and I saw you in my mind. I pretended you were with me. If I was going to die, I was going to leave this earth with you as my last memory. I’m so glad you’re not just a memory anymore.”

  A tear fell slowly down his face as our eyes locked.

  “I’m not a memory,” I smiled at him and he wrapped me in his arms.

  “When things got really bad,” he said and I could hear his voice cracking. “I swear I heard you say you love me. I swear I felt you with me and I thought I might just make it out alive after all.”

  I couldn’t speak for a moment as I thought back to my conversation with Aubrey in the kitchen when she told me to tell Jeremy I loved him. I’d been so afraid I’d never get to tell him, but I had told him and somehow he’d heard me. Somehow he’d heard me tell him I loved him and that had helped me survive.

  “I do love you, Jeremy. So much,” I said, brushing my lips over his again. “It feels so good to say it to you finally and I’m sorry for the hell I put you through with Darren and my doubts. It’s done now. You’re it. You’re the one I need and I was too stupid to think you weren’t everything that makes me whole. I’m sorry for the last few weeks. I love you.”

  His finger was over my mouth a second later, silencing me.

  “You had to figure it out on your own. Don’t apologize. We’re together now. Let’s not think about the past anymore. Today is our
beginning.”

  His eyes pierced mine as he kissed the back of my hand again. I felt the lump in my throat burning so badly now I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to talk. I just stared at him for a while, a smile I didn’t think would ever leave, etched on my face.

  “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Jeremy. God knows my baggage would’ve sent any other sane man running, but you didn’t run. You loved me anyway. You loved me despite me trying to stop you. You never gave up on me.”

  “I’ll never give up on you, Beth. I love you. Plain and simple and when I love someone, they’re stuck with me.”

  “And unfortunately, you’re stuck with me now.”

  “I’ve never wanted anything more.”

  He stroked my cheek with his thumb and I tried not to cry as I looked into his eyes. There were no words I could come up with to tell him how I felt. I didn’t think I could ever trust again or love someone again, but I did and it was because of him.

  “I love you, Jeremy.”

  “I love you, Beth.”

  I pressed my lips to his and I knew my life was different now. There was no question anymore if I’d be happy again. My answer was right in front of me. I was happy. He once told me I deserved everything and with him and Noah beside me, I knew I had exactly that.

  Epilogue

  Two years later…

  I was grateful I didn’t have to leave Travers Cove anymore. It was no longer the place I went to for an escape from real life. It was home now and it had become my real life.