“Baby I’m so sorry.” Connor murmurs.
I take another deep shuttering breath. “When the police told my mom what had happened, she broke down. She never answered any of his calls, trying to make him sweat it out and blamed herself for the accident. I think she was so overwhelmed with grief and guilt that she didn’t even think about what she was doing.” I close my eyes as I say the next part too scared to see the look of horror I know will be on his face. “She went home and shot herself with my dad’s .45.” At Connor’s harsh intake of breath, I slowly lift my lids to see that he has closed his and I’m grateful for it.
When he finally opens his eyes, they are full of nothing but affection and he continues stroking my hair. “They found a note. On one side, was her message to my father telling him she was leaving and on the other, was her note to me. It said; I’m sorry, I love you.” I close my eyes as a tear rolls down my face remembering that note. How I kept it so long and would just stare at it and wish she had been strong enough to stay for me. Wondering how she could forget about the fact that even though dad was gone, I was still here and she was leaving me alone when I needed her the most.
I open my eyes and force myself to finish. “So my mother ran off because my father cheated. My father cheated because he drank too much and made a stupid mistake. My mother wanted the grand gesture and my dad died giving it to her.” The words come easily this time. I have analyzed everything from that night so closely that it’s almost as though I’m reading them off of a check list. “My mother killed herself so she could be with the man she left. It’s all totally ironic and horrible because if they had both just slowed down and looked around them they could have seen that the Universe gave them a way out.”
Connor gives me a questioning glance and I look down to find my hands tracing patterns over his heart. I didn’t even know I was doing it, but it calms me so I keep watching my fingers on his skin and explain. “My dad told my mom about the woman and he was so sorry. He loved her. He didn’t have to go out that night, he shouldn’t have gone out. My dad hurt his hand on the site that day and my mom wanted him to stay home and not push it, but he went anyway. My mom shouldn’t have left him like that either. Her car wouldn’t start the morning she dropped me off at Lo’s so she had to borrow mine. It was all right in front of them! They were just too consumed to realize it.” I stop when I realize my voice has turned angry and try to control it. “Anyway, I turned 17 the next week so the courts emancipated me.”
Connor leans forward and kisses me softly. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that Princess. I wish I had lived here. I would have taken care of you.”
My fingers freeze on his chest. I know I need to tell him the rest, but this is the part I’m worried about. There are several ways he could react and I’m afraid of so many of them. I’m tired of being scared though and I’ve come this far. So I reach up and latch my hands around his neck as if I’m anchoring myself to him or him to me. “I wish you had too. Maybe then I would have broken up with Ricky before he could do anymore damage.”
Connor frowns. “Ricky, the old boyfriend?”
“Yea. I’d been dating him a couple weeks, you know how it is in high school. When my parents died, he spent a lot of time at my apartment. I picked up more shifts at the restaurant and had rented out a small place. He was really sweet to me and told me he loved me and was going to take care of me.” My voice turns angry again remembering Ricky’s lies, but this time I let it out. “I wanted to believe him because I thought I loved him too. I think I was just too afraid of being alone. Lo hated him and tried to warn me but I didn’t listen. I never even really trusted him, but I ignored my instincts.” It’s then that I realize that even though I hate Ricky for what he did to me, I’m far angrier at myself.
I look into Connor’s eyes and try to lose myself in them. The words I’m about to speak could change the way he looks at me forever and if it does, I want to burn the memory of his eyes into my brain. “One night at my apartment we were kissing and he tried to take it further, but I stopped him. He told me that he loved me and if I loved him too I needed to show him. He wasn’t really gentle and I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn’t get off of me.” I was full on crying now and as much as I wanted to wipe away the tears so that I wouldn’t lose sight of Connor, I was more afraid of letting go of him.
“Lo showed up a few hours later to me standing in the kitchen with my sheets and clothes burned in the sink.” Connor’s hand was frozen and stiff in my hair again. “It almost destroyed me, but it didn’t. I didn’t want to be like her. Like my mom.” I close my eyes to regain some composure and let the rest of my story trail out without much thought. “The next day at school Lo and I saw him making out with a freshman in the parking lot. It was as if he hadn’t just taken my virginity from me and almost ruined my life. He never called or came over again and I haven’t spoken to him since. Well, until that day at the mall that is.”
Connor brings his hand out of my hair to wipe the tears from my eyes. I keep them shut, relieved that he’s finally thawed and is touching me. Once he’s finished clearing the drops from my lids, I open them slowly and though his eyes are dark and seething, the pity and uncertainty I was expecting to find in them is noticeably absent. His fists clench in my hair and at my hip and he grinds his teeth together before he speaks. “Did you tell anyone?”
“What, did I call the cops? No, you and Lo are the only people who know and before you say anything Connor, you have to understand. I had lost my parents in one very gossip worthy night only a month earlier. I didn’t want the attention or sympathy. I moved on. I never trusted men though. Not until you.” I grab Connor’s hand from my hair and twine my fingers with his.
Connor takes a deep breath and clenches his eyes shut. “I should have fucking killed him.” Connor barely grits out through his teeth. “He should be rotting in prison.” He opens his eyes and looks into mine. “But I understand. You have no idea how happy I am that you finally trust me, but after knowing all this, I get it.” He stares down into my eyes and I see so many emotions there. Tenderness, protectiveness, adoration, but there is still an edge to them. Just before he speaks again, sincerity and violent hatred come to the forefront. “I can promise you one thing, he will get his due for what he did to you.” My eyes widen, but I’m not surprised at his outburst. Connor has always been like my knight in shining armor. I don’t doubt that the Universe has a plan for Ricky that will end in retribution for his crimes, but I’m unconcerned with it. The only thing I care about is Connor.
I lean forward and press my lips to the corners of his mouth instead of responding. When I pull away, the look on his face is what I had been trying to burn into my memory before I told him my horror story. The rush of relief I feel fills my body and it’s like breathing for the first time. My hand has made its way back to his chest, directly over the thrum of his heart. I smile at the comforting rhythm and lean forward to kiss the spot that’s beating against my hand. Connor releases a ragged breath as the tension finally leaves his body and bends his lips to my hair holding me to his chest, against his heart.
“Thank you Connor for giving me what should have been my first time.” I whisper and he gently pushes me back till I lift my head from his chest to cup his hands to my face. His eyes are shining and I feel his words before I hear them.
“I love you Nina.” I cover his hands with mine and open my mouth to tell him how much I love him when his phone rings. “Who the hell is calling me at one in the morning?” Connor picks up his phone and looks at the screen. “It’s Tony, I have to take this Princess.” He walks out of the room and I hear some mumbling. “Yea I know where it is. I’ll be there. Don’t worry I’ll take care of it.” He laughs. “I’m hurrying, keep your panties on.” Connor walks back into the room. “My niece needs to go to the hospital and her dad works the night shift. I’m going to meet them at the hospital to see if I can help out.”
I sit up alarmed. “Oh no! Do you need m
e to go with you?”
Connor kisses my temple. “No Princess, just go to sleep. I should be home in a few hours.” He dresses quickly and starts to head out.
“Okay baby see you in the morning.”
He smiles “I love it when you call me baby.” I relax back into the bed and my pillow smells like Connor, so I hug it to my body and let sleep take me.
When I wake up Connor isn’t in bed with me. I run into the living room and call his name. No one answers, so I frantically search for my phone hoping and praying that he’s okay. I find it in my coat pocket and let out my breath when I see a text from him.
Connor Wright: Niece is really sick. Still at hospital with Tony. I’ll run home and change before work. Xoxo.
Get it together Nina. I shake my head at my craziness and try to breathe through my racing heartbeat. There is absolutely no reason for me to freak out when I wake up alone. I shake my head once more and try to regain my calm, but oddly it never comes. I look at the clock and see it’s already six and he still hasn’t showed so I decide to call him. Though his text proves that everything is okay, I need to be sure or else I’ll never get rid of this bad feeling. When the ringing stops, I hear Connor telling someone to be quiet before he answers. “Hey Princess.”
“Good morning. How’s your niece?” I ask him.
“Better. She has pneumonia so they are going to keep her here for a while. I already called Mark to tell him I would be late but he told me to go home and get some rest so I probably won’t see you till tonight unless you come home for lunch.” I’m so relieved everyone is okay that my breath comes out harsher than I had anticipated.
“Okay baby I’ll come home for lunch and bring you some food. I bet you’re exhausted.”
Connor chuckles “Yea it was quite the night. That’s for sure. How are you feeling this morning?” I can hear the suggestiveness in this voice and I can tell he is talking about the sex.
“I’m feeling pretty darn good except for waking up alone. I’ll see you at lunch okay, I have to go get ready.”
“Okay. Bye Princess.”
I get ready fairly quickly and head for work. As I pull out the driveway I notice I’ve got about 20 minutes to spare so I detour to Starbucks to get a Carmel Apple Spice. I pull up and frown when I see Connor’s truck sitting in the parking lot. What is he doing here? I walk around the building and spot him at a window seat with a sophisticated looking blonde. I watch him through the window and see that he is wearing different clothes than when he left. I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I register how he and his companion are dressed. He has on some sweats and a hoodie and the blonde is also wearing comfortable clothing. Connor looks at her and says something with the same look on his face he had when he told me he loved me. I cover my mouth with my hand at the stab of betrayal I feel at seeing that look directed at someone else. The blonde leans forward and puts her hand on top of his and I choke back a sob as my heart shatters.
I run back to my car and beat the steering wheel with my fist. How could he do this to me? How long has he known her? They looked so comfortable with each other and she was so beautiful. Is that who he’s been talking to when he leaves the room? God I’m such an idiot! I can’t believe I fell for it again. This can’t be happening, I felt it! What happened to that connection, to all those feelings? I was so sure he felt them too. I told him everything about my parents and Ricky, I broke all my rules. I feel like throwing up as I drive to the school. I wipe the tears off my face and force my emotions into the back of my mind. I will not let him ruin my career too. I barely get through class and don’t go home for lunch. I turn my phone off so I’m not tempted to call Connor and just move through the motions, I can fall apart later.
When my final class for the day is over, I call Lo. “Nins! How are you girl?” I break down and start sobbing as I let myself into my car. “Nina! What happened?” She asks distressed. I try to breathe through the tears so I can speak. It takes a minute.
“Lo, I need to come stay with you. We were wrong about Connor and he is at my place. I can’t go back there.” I continue to sob and start the car.
“What the hell did he do Nina? I’m so sorry sweetheart of course you can stay as long as you need.” I pull out and blink to clear my tears so I can see where I’m going.
“He made up some story about having to go the hospital when he got a phone call after we had sex and never came home. I called him when he woke up and he said he was still with Tony at the hospital, but I saw him at Starbucks with some blonde girl. They looked intimate and his clothes were different.”
“You slept with him?” She breathes. “That mother fuckin scumbag! I can’t believe this Nins. He seemed so…”
“Perfect. I know he was.”
When I get to Lo’s, I collapse into her arms and let the tears fall. My heart hurts so much and I just want Connor. I feel so pathetic and weak that all I can do is want him when he’s been fooling me the whole time I’ve been falling in love with him. Lo gets me into the house and sits next to me on the couch.
“Tell me exactly what happened.”
I choke through the story starting from when he asked me to move in with him and stop when I saw the blond grab his hand. Retelling last night just hurts me even more because it was so perfect and I was so sure he meant it when he told me he loved me.
Lo looks thoughtful for a while before she finally speaks. “I gotta tell you Nins. Though, I agree that what you saw is pretty damning, everything you just told me says that Connor loves you. I mean, he asks you to move in with him, quits his job in New York, tells you he loves you, but has some girl on the side. That just doesn’t add up.”
I sniffle and wipe some more tears off my face. “Maybe he got sick of waiting on me to give it up. I don’t care what his reasons are Lo. You should have seen this girl. God he is just like Ricky. No wait, he’s worse. How do you lie like that Lo? How do you convince someone you love them so well that they give you their heart and then stomp on it?” I have now crossed the denial and sadness stages and have moved on to anger.
Lo nods. “I understand where you are coming from. You’ve been hurt a lot and it’s hard to trust someone when all the evidence points to them being guilty.” She sighs. “Here give me your phone.” I frown at her but hand it over.
“What are you doing Lo?” I ask when I see her powering it on.
“I know you don’t want to see him, but he doesn’t have my number or my address or knows anyone who does. I don’t want him filing a missing persons report so I’m going to call him to tell him you’re here with me. I won’t tell him where that is exactly but we have to tell him something.” She’s right of course so I nod.
“Connor, its Lola… Yes, she’s here with me… No Connor she doesn’t want to talk to you… Well maybe you should think about where you were this morning… You are so full of shit Connor!.. You heard me!.. You know exactly what I’m talking about… No you can’t talk to her... When she wants to see you that’s when... You should have thought about that before you cheated on her!” Lola hangs up the phone and hands it to me. “He’s pretty pissed at me. If he did mess around with that girl then he is one hell of an actor Nins. He sounded totally confused and really upset. I’ve got your back no matter what but maybe you should talk to him.” I look at the phone and suppress another sob.
“I’ll talk to him tomorrow after work maybe. I don’t know. I just can’t right now. I wouldn’t be able to see past how much I love him.”
Lo leans forward and hugs me. “Oh sweetie it will all work out I promise.”
Lo gets me some sweats to wear to bed and manages to put together a decent outfit that will fit me to borrow for work in the morning. We say goodnight and I fall back on the couch and try not to replay the image of Connor and that woman. My world has been turned upside down and then shattered all because of one man. What happened to the Universe guiding me? It’s never lead me so astray. I know that it was telling me to be with Conn
or. What the hell did I do wrong? I punch my pillow and close my eyes and try to relax. After a few moments of staring into the dark room, I hear my phone beep. I see Connor’s name on the screen, take a deep breath and open the message.
Connor Wright: Things aren’t always what they seem. Remember that. It’s you and me Princess, I meant what I said.
The next day I go to school and just focus on getting through the day with no drama. My chest hurts, my eyes are red and swollen and I feel like I might throw up, but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m almost successful until Connor corners me at my car.
“Nina, wait. Please, just talk to me.” He approaches me with his hands out and there is a desperation to his voice that I haven’t heard before. I look over his shoulder instead of at his eyes. I don’t think I can say no to them.
“There is nothing to talk about Connor.” I say and try to keep my voice from cracking and the dam from breaking. “I caught you, okay. I saw you with her at the coffee shop wearing different clothes and you looked at her like you looked at me when we were together.” My voice quivers a little as I remember seeing that look in his eyes while he was with another woman. “It’s over. Just leave me alone.”
Connor shakes his head. “Princess, you have to trust me. You’ve got it all wrong. Just think about this. I told you how I feel. I love you Nina!” I look at the ground and fight against the urge to throw myself into his arms at this declaration. It means nothing. “What do I need to do to get you to trust me? What do you want from me?” He yells.
I steel myself and look up into his panicked eyes and fight the pull I feel at coming in contact with those sapphires again. “Nothing! I don’t want anything from you!” I shout out the biggest lie I have ever told in my entire life. Connor’s eyes widen at my words and his face falls, every ounce of fire gone from his gaze. He backs away then smiles weakly at me.
Sapphire Universe (The Universe Series) Page 12
