Out of The Box Awakening

by Theriot, Jennifer

  I hit ‘end’ and disconnect the call. I don’t want to hear his voice, and there is nothing I can say right now. I start shaking. My heart is beating as though it will burst out of my chest. Now I’m scared. I begin to hyperventilate and I realize that I’m here all by myself. What should I do? I take deep breaths and continue walking around in circles. Tears began to flow hard and uncontrollably, and while I am somewhat relieved to learn my suspicions were right, I am hurt beyond belief. At this moment I feel as though all the life has been sucked out of me.

  I pace around the kitchen, shaking my hands, wondering what I should do. I can’t call anyone, because what would I tell them? My husband found someone else and left me? He ended our thirty-year relationship with a goddamn phone call? Ash is in the city for the night, and I don’t want to bother him. I absolutely can’t call Lainey. I have no one to talk to. I go into the kitchen, open a bottle of wine, and head out onto the patio to sit out by the water and try and make some sense of this and think.

  How in the world did this happen? What did I miss? What did I do to let this happen? What didn’t I do? What am I going to do now? I think back, analyzing our marriage, looking for signs I missed.

  When Alan was out of town he always used to call me every night. I never in a million years thought I didn’t satisfy him, emotionally or sexually. We never really talked about it, but Alan wasn’t a talker—or a deep thinker for that matter…or at least with me. What didn’t I have that made him look for someone else? What does she have that I don’t?

  I tried to be the perfect wife and mother. A million questions form in my mind. Was he actually with someone in bed when he would call and we talked? Had they had sex before or after we talked? When he missed a baseball game or a football game, I believed it was because of work—I believed it because this was what he told me. You trust your spouse. You’re supposed to. Trust. It’s the foundation a marriage is built on. Right?

  How long was the foundation crumbling? God! I feel like such a fool. I was so wrapped up with my family and the life I thought was ideal that I missed, totally missed the fact that Alan was probably cheating. He always brought nice gifts from his trips for the kids and me. I have beautiful, expensive pieces of jewelry. Fool that I am, I thought he gave them to me because he loved me. I realize, now, that they were probably gifts given out of guilt, instead.

  Olivia, you stupid fool!

  My damned phone keeps ringing. I look at the caller ID. It’s Alan. I ignore the calls. How the hell can he call me back and expect me to answer? Hasn’t he said enough? What else is there to say?

  I listen to the voicemails “Olivia, please, call me back. This isn’t the way I wanted this to go down. Please, call me back. I’m really worried about you. You’re scaring me! At least call me back and let me know you’re goddamn okay. Are you there by yourself? Come on…call me back dammit! You’re worrying me!”

  I guess you are worried, you son of a bitch! Fucccccck yoooooou, I scream. Fucccccck yoooooou ! Tears stream down my face. I can’t stop crying. I am hyperventilating again and no one is here to help me. I panic…

  Come on Olivia; get it together... breathe.breathe.breathe....

  Talking to myself doesn’t work. My hyperventilation is getting worse. Realizing I need help, I run inside and quickly pull out a small paper bag from the pantry and breathe into it. I take several breaths into the bag. It sustains me. For now.

  I open another bottle of wine and pour myself way too many glasses. After I’ve finished the whole bottle, I recline in one of the chaise lounges out on the patio, just blankly staring out at the lights on the lake. It’s getting cold, and my body is numb—numb from the cold and numb from the pain. I just wish I could go to sleep and forget about this. I keep thinking it’s just a bad dream and that I’ll wake up. It is so cold outside, but I don’t care. I can’t really feel anything, physically or emotionally. I stare up at the sky and start counting stars.

  I remember when I was a kid, lying in the grass on summer nights looking up at the stars with my father. We used to look for the Big Dipper and star gaze. Those were happy times. Tonight I am counting stars looking for answers. There are no answers in the sky though. Is there anyone up there who can help me? Mom? Dad? Can you see me?

  Maybe I’ll freeze to death and just die out here. After all, who would actually give a shit if I were to just die? I don’t even think I would mind if I just died and didn’t wake up. I’m probably drunk enough anyway. It starts to drizzle. I just wish I would fall asleep and not wake up—ever.

  What have I done to deserve this? I am so, so cold, but I am channeled to another place. I feel like I am having an out-of-body experience. I keep asking myself why—why has Alan done this to me?

  My phone and text keeps going off and I just want to throw the damn thing into the lake. Why does Alan keep calling? He’s told me that he doesn’t want me, but he keeps calling…

  What the fuck!

  I finally drink so much I pass out and curl up into a fetal position. It is the only thing I can do to find comfort. I imagine my mother’s arms around me, holding me tight, keeping me safe and warm. It’s still cold and drizzling. I vaguely hear the French doors burst open and feel someone’s arms wrap around me…it wakes me. I’m awake, but kind of in twilight. Is it my mother? Am I dreaming? Am I even still alive?

  “Liv! Jesus! God! What the hell have you done? You haven’t taken anything, have you?” He shakes me by my shoulders and pats my cheeks. “Talk to me! Come on honey…say something!”

  I wake slightly and think to myself, “What do you mean, what have I done?”

  I realize its Ash. He quickly sweeps me up into his arms, holding me tight. “Olivia! Answer me—you haven’t taken anything have you? Answer me now! Goddamnit! Please, honey! Oh, dear God… come on Olivia please!” I shake my head no. “Oh! Thank God! Oh my God, honey, you’re wet and freezing cold. Let’s get you inside!”

  He quickly takes me inside, wrapped in his arms, straight into his bathroom. He turns on the shower full force and immediately starts to take off my cold and wet clothes.

  “Lift your arms!” he orders. I do as he says. He pulls my sweatshirt over my head, carefully takes off my bra, and pulls down my sweat pants. I am still in my tennis shoes and he can’t get my pants off.

  “Kick your shoes off and step out of your pants, Olivia.”

  I just stand there, motionless and numb. I can’t move. He kneels down and unties my shoes.

  “Raise your foot and let me take your shoes off. Come on. Okay. That’s it. Now, step out of your pants.” I can’t make myself move, and he tells me again sternly, “Liv! Come on, lift your leg and step out of your pants now! Come on honey—hold onto me. I’ve got you. I’m right here. You can do it. Ok. Good. That’s my girl.”

  I am on the outside looking in. I can feel him taking off my clothes, but can’t react. I stand in front of him, expressionless, naked except for my panties. I’m shivering, gone beyond control. He quickly takes off his white dress shirt and puts it on me. He gently and carefully buttons it up to cover me. The warm shower is running and he pulls me in the shower with him. He’s shirtless and barefoot, but still in his dress slacks. I try to catch my breath, but I can’t. I’m starting to panic, because I can’t breathe. Sensing that, Ash blows hard into my face hard and shakes me hard. He speaks to me loudly

  “Breathe, Olivia! Goddammit! Please, honey—breathe. Oh, shit! Dear God!”

  I can tell he is worried just as I finally catch my breath. All at once I scream—a loud, blood-curdling scream.

  “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

  He holds me close to him, my back to his front, with his arms around mine. “It’s okay, honey, scream. Just let it out. Scream loud—loud as you can. Come on, honey. Let it out…”

  “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” I scream again.

  “That’s it, honey. It’s okay. I’m right here with you.”

  I scream until I don’t think I can scream anymore. My throat
is sore and raw. I’m breathless and hoarse; my eyes are almost swollen shut from crying. We stand in the shower, his arms around me, and I finally feel warmth. I realize that he is shampooing my hair. He is massaging my scalp tenderly. He carefully rinses it and smoothes it back from my face. He washes gently the mascara off my swollen eyes with a soft washcloth.

  We stand in the shower for a long time, just silent. Silent, because there are no words that can be spoken at this moment. Silent, because what can I say? Silent, because what can he say? I realize at this very moment that I will never ever be the same person again after this day is over. But then, who am I, anyway?

  I thought I knew. I thought I knew what my life was all about, but today I don’t have a clue. I just don’t have a damn clue.

  After what seems like eternity, Ash is satisfied that he has warmed me in the shower. I can hear that he has the bath running. I didn’t even notice him leave to turn it on. From the comfort of the shower, he lifts me out and places me in the tub. He gets in behind me and pulls me back against him. Still dressed, he sits with his long legs bent and me in between them. His arms are wrapped around me, rocking me back and forth like a baby. He gently rubs my head, and I lean back on his chest. I stare straight ahead like a zombie. I look at the wall, and it seems like I am looking straight through it.

  There are still no words spoken. I’m comforted to know that Ash is with me, but I have never felt the emptiness that I feel now. I am just a body—flesh with no soul. My soul has just been ripped out. Why me? What did I do—what didn’t I do? Surely this emptiness won’t stay with me forever?

  As if he senses my despair, he says, “Honey, just relax, I’m here Let your body go. No one will hurt you now. I’m here.”

  I can hear soft music playing. The singing is soft and soothing. It sounds like John Mayer. He’s singing about bad news not having good timing; about pain and the heart of life being good. How can the heart of life be good? Life’s just ripped my own heart apart.

  Those words echo in my head—I keep repeating them in my head, over and over Bad news doesn’t have good timing. Bad news doesn’t have good timing. Bad news doesn’t have good timing. Unfortunate, but true.

  Why did this happen?

  Ash holds me close and keeps caressing my head. He still says nothing, but there is no need to. What words can possibly be spoken now? We stay in the tub for what seems like a long time. I still feel totally emotionally numb—no feelings whatsoever. This beautiful, caring man has me in his arms and is comforting me, but I feel nothing.

  I totally didn’t see this coming. “Blindsided” sums it up. I feel like a complete failure.

  “How did you know what happened?” I hoarsely whisper.

  “Alan called and said he was worried about you. He told me what happened, and said you weren’t answering his calls. He asked what he should do. I told him he was an absolute fool. You really don’t want to know the rest of the conversation, but I told him I would come home to make sure you were okay and that I would stay with you and take care of you. From. Now. On. End of story. So here I am, honey. You’re safe now. I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Hearing those words makes me start to cry again, really hard.

  “Olivia, honey, please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to make you start crying again. Awww, come on, now”

  He keeps rubbing my head, telling me that everything is going to be ok. I still feel like I’m a stranger, on the outside looking in. I lie in his arms, numb, but finally at peace, I think. I can breathe now, and my body does begin to relax. Tears still stream down my face. Where they are coming from, I have no idea, since I literally have no feelings. But they don’t stop…I can’t stop them. My eyes burn so bad. I just wish I could stop crying. I never cry, and I feel so embarrassed for making a fool of myself in front of Ash. Why can’t I just be strong?

  After what seems like an eternity, Ash tells me, “Olivia, let’s get you out of the tub and into bed.” He lifts me out of the tub, takes off the wet shirt and my panties, and dries me with a soft, warm towel. He puts me into one of his T-shirts, which literally hangs on my body, but I don’t care. He sits me on the vanity stool and begins to comb my wet hair. Then he gets some nice-smelling lotion and starts to rub in onto my arms and legs—not in a sexual way, but in a caring, nurturing way. His touch is so tender, so careful and soft.

  He gets his toothbrush, puts some toothpaste on it and says, “Open your mouth Olivia—let me get your teeth brushed.” He brushes my teeth like he’s done this many times. “There now- spit and rinse, honey. That’s my girl. All better.” He dries my face and gives me a hug.

  I’ve never had a man give me a bath, put lotion on me, take my makeup off or brush my teeth. I think to myself, I’ve never also had a man leave me. Lots of firsts for me tonight, I guess. I look into the mirror. The sight of my reflection scares and repulses me. I look ugly and awful—How can he bear to look at me? I can’t even stand the sight of myself. My eyes are nearly swollen shut and my nose is blood red. I look like something out of a horror movie.

  He carries me up to my bedroom, pulls the covers back on the bed and fluffs the pillows. “In you go,” he whispers.

  “Ash, please... I can’t bear for anyone else to leave me tonight. Please—stay with me. Don’t leave,” I begin to cry really hard again.

  “Liv, don’t. Please, honey. Don’t cry. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” He gets in next to me, turns me on my side, and curls up behind me, wrapping me in his arms. He only has on boxer shorts. I feel the warmth of his skin against me. He has strategically placed a pillow between his waist and my back. I am comfortable. I can feel his skin on mine from the waist up. My body relaxes.

  “Try and go to sleep, Liv, I’m here with you. I won’t leave you…I promise.” He kisses the top of my head, rocks me softly, and I try to drift off to sleep.

  “Ash?”

  “What honey?”

  “Why? Why did this happen? What did I do? What didn’t I do?” I start to cry again, and am shaking.

  “Olivia, I have no idea why this happened, I swear!”

  “Was he cheating when he was living here? Did you know anything?”

  “Liv, I swear I knew nothing. No clues. He came home from work and didn’t say a word about anyone else. I would have told you if I knew anything—Jesus! I can’t believe this either!”

  “What am I going to do, Ash? My world has just ended. I am a failure—I have no home now. My kids are going to be devastated! I’ve never worked since we married, so what the hell am I going to do now?”

  “Shhhhh, honey—just relax and go to sleep. We’ll figure this out, I promise. You just need to go to sleep now. I’m right here with you.” Ash is rocking me continuously and gently, and I feel that he is totally here for me. Soothing music is playing, and that is the last thing I remember before dozing. My eyes are so swollen that I don’t think I even have to try and close them. I have cried so much that I don’t even want to wake up and look at myself.

  During the middle of the night, I realize that I need to go to the bathroom. I get up. Ash immediately wakes and asks if I am okay.

  “I’m fine, I just have to pee.” I go into the bathroom and look at my face. I look like a freak. My eyes are swollen almost shut. My nose is still huge and blood red. My God—I can’t let anyone see me like this. I just want to go back to bed and sleep forever. My head is throbbing, so I take something and hope it will work fast. I keep thinking that what happened must be a dream, but somehow, I know better. I sit on the commode and put my head in my hands.

  Ash softly knocks on the door. “You ok, Olivia?”

  “Yes, fine thanks. I’ll be through in a minute.” When I am finished, I slip back into bed and he is there to rock me back to sleep. Tears well up in my eyes again. I can’t believe there are any tears left in my body.

  Ash senses that I have started crying again. “Honey, I am right here…Shhhhh. Just sleep, sleep. I’m not going anywhere.” He co
ntinues to rock me back to sleep. I finally drift back off—encased in his arms, warm and safe. Thank God. Maybe I won’t wake up and have to face this tomorrow.

  I do wake and see the sunlight. I am by myself in bed, and suddenly I panic. I get out of bed and am wobbly. It takes me a while to get my footing and I hold onto the bed. I guess Ash can hear that I’m up; it’s only a minute before he hurries into my room.

  “Hey Sunshine. I just went downstairs to get the coffee going. Don’t worry. Are you ready to get up?”

  “No, I really just want to go back to sleep if that’s okay… I have to pee again though”

  “Here—let me help you get to the bathroom, then you just hop back into bed and I’ll check on you in a bit. Want some coffee?”

  “No thanks. Just a bit more sleep, please.”

  “Okay, hon. I’ll leave you alone.” He waits for me to go to the bathroom and helps me back into bed.

  I sleep for the better part of the day. Around 4:00 Ash comes up to wake me and tells me he thinks I should come downstairs and move around a little.

  “Olivia, you need to get up and at least move around and eat something. I made you a sandwich and some soup. Come on, now.”

  I force myself to eat—not much, but I know Ash is right.

  The house phone rings, and I jump. Ash answers. I think its Alan. He takes the phone into his office and he has a heated discussion. I can make out his words, even from where I am.

  “You sorry-ass son of a bitch! I fucking can’t believe you can even think of doing this to your wife and family. Christ! Is a piece of fucking ass worth pissing your whole life away? What do you mean you think you are in love? You have a wife who loves you—how can you possibly need anyone else? No. No...You just shut the hell up and listen to me, you sorry-ass piece of shit! You have destroyed the one thing in your life that should matter the most. Olivia and your kids deserve much more than this! You don’t deserve them. I just hope to God that Olivia doesn’t take you back if you do get your head out of your ass. You don’t deserve her, Alan! You fucking don’t deserve her—do you hear me? Don’t ever call this house or me again, or you’ll be sorry. I mean it Alan, and you can consider that a threat! You have gone below low this time, and you’re not welcome here again. .Period.. You got it? Do I make myself clear? I can and I will make your life a living hell if you try to contact her again!”