Lace-Covered Compromise

by Silvia Violet

  I sank into my desk chair. “No, it’s about us.”

  “According to you, there is no us.”

  “Maybe I was wrong about that.”

  Nate shook his head. “You think you can’t be the same person at work and in private, so you can fuck me and then lord it over me here.”

  “Is that what just happened? Because I must have gone to a completely different meeting.”

  Nate crossed the room and braced his arms on my desk. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t look away from him. “What just happened is you discarded me from your personal life and then thought I’d be happy to step right back in again.”

  “Do you really think that’s how I feel?”

  “Yes.” Nate’s tone was as cold as his eyes.

  “Then get the fuck out of my office.”

  Nate slammed the door and walked away.

  I dropped my head into my hands and quit fighting the tears that stung my eyes.

  I went to the Imperial when I left work, but quickly realized I didn’t want to be around anyone, especially not cute, flirtatious waiters and happy couples drinking together. I went home, went to bed, tossed and turned, hating Nate, hating myself. Hating that what I’d done might be enough for Kingston but it wasn’t enough for Nate and me. Finally, close to dawn, I took a sleeping pill and crashed.

  I woke to my phone blaring Valerie’s ring. I squinted at the time.

  “What time is it?” I said into the phone.

  “It’s a good thing I’m used to your rude way of answering, Adam. It’s three. In the afternoon.”

  “Huh. I didn’t think I’d sleep that long.”

  “When did you go to bed?”

  “Around 6 a.m.”

  “Were you with Nate?”

  The excitement in her voice made my stomach knot. “No chance of that.” Our conversation in my office started replaying in my head for the millionth time.

  “Didn’t the meeting go well?”

  “The meeting?”

  She huffed. “The board meeting? You texted me that you had a great plan. Did they like it?”

  “Oh, yeah. They did,” I said.

  “You don’t sound very excited.”

  I didn’t have the energy to explain more right then. “I’m not very awake.”

  “We haven’t had hot dogs in the park yet this visit. Meet me there at five?”

  Maybe by then I’d be able to talk about last night. Maybe I’d actually be proud of my decision again. “I’ll be there.”

  I ended the call and dragged myself from the bed and headed to the shower. It wasn’t like I’d get back to sleep anyway.

  Valerie showed up wearing a gorgeous velvet gown and glittering red heels.

  Before I could comment, she said, “I’m going to the ballet with my sister-in-law in a few hours. I didn’t want to go back and change.”

  “I can’t think of anything I’d rather wear to eat a hot dog in.”

  She looked me up and down. “Blue would suit you better.”

  I rolled my eyes and gestured toward a park bench. “Have a seat. I’ll be right back.”

  Once I’d obtained two fully loaded dogs and two sodas, I settled on the bench next to Valerie. She covered her lap in napkins and enjoyed a few bites before she said, “So tell me what happened at the meeting.”

  I decided to start with my plan for Kingston. At least that was easier than explaining that Nate still hated me. “I got back from New York and knew I had to think of something, because if things kept on as they were, Kingston would only get sicker . . .”

  “That sounds promising. What’s your plan?”

  “I told Nate he should have sole control of Kingston. I’m much better suited to the CTO position. It’s where I belong.”

  Valerie tilted her head and tapped her fingers on her leg for a few seconds, then she nodded. “I agree.”

  “Marsha is going to step in as CFO at the end of the year. She will enact the plan Nate and I developed, and with her to curb Nate’s spending and me to temper his idealism and push him to consider the needs of all the businesses, I think we can save Kingston.”

  Valerie smiled. “You can, because you’ll be working together. I’m proud of you. Your father would be too.”

  I sighed. “I always thought I’d be running things.”

  She laid her hand on my thigh. “It’s your company no matter what position you hold.”

  “Mine and Nate’s.”

  She nodded.

  Squeezing her hand, I said, “So you really think I made the right decision?”

  “Yes.”

  I sighed. “It sure as hell wasn’t easy admitting to everyone I shouldn’t be CEO . . .”

  Valerie smiled. “I bet not. You shouldn’t think of it that way though. You’re the finest fucking CTO they’ll ever have. If you leave that position, things will go to shit.”

  I laughed. “That does sounds more like me.”

  “It’s okay to be you as long as you know your strengths and weaknesses.”

  “I’ve had to consider my weaknesses more than I ever wanted to these past few weeks.”

  “Then as cruel as it was of your father to write those words rather than say them himself, he gave you exactly what you needed.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe.”

  “Now what about Nate?”

  I shrugged. “What about him? In time, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to be CEO.”

  “No, I mean what about you and Nate.”

  “Me and Nate? There’s no me and Nate.”

  “The fact that you fucked him would say otherwise.”

  I rolled my eyes. Beautiful Valerie in her beautiful dress eating a hot dog and spouting obscenities was one of my favorite things in the world.

  “You care about him.”

  She clearly wasn’t going to let this go. “He doesn’t want anything to do with me now.”

  “You hurt him, didn’t you?”

  I nodded. “And I don’t know how to fix it.”

  “You want to fix it, though.”

  “I do. And . . .”

  Valerie leaned closer. “Yes?”

  “It’s not just sex. I think I might be in love with him.”

  Valerie’s eyes widened. “Well, that is progress.”

  “It’s hell is what it is, because I finally made him hate me. I went to a club after I got back to town the other night. Nate was there.”

  “And . . .”

  Heat rose to my face as I remembered it. “It was a hate fuck.”

  Valerie grinned. “You liked it?”

  “Maybe, but he made it clear afterwards that he didn’t want anymore to do with me.”

  “He’s going to regret that, and you will too if you just let him go. You’ve changed and I think he’s the right man for you. Besides, who else but me is willing to stand up to your nonsense?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Just because Nate had no problem telling me off—”

  “He doesn’t put up with your bullshit. That’s what you need.”

  “I have no idea how to win him back. He thinks I ran out on him.”

  “Just talk to him. Be open and honest. He’s a smart man, and I bet he can tell the difference between honesty and blustering.”

  “I tried to talk to him, but he kept yelling at me, saying all I care about is myself.”

  “There are times he’d have a point.”

  “This wasn’t one of them. He thinks I ran out on him deliberately the other morning, but I didn’t. I panicked. I couldn’t breathe. I thought I’d make a fool of myself.”

  “Not realizing that running away was worse?”

  I rubbed my neck, trying to ease the tight muscles. “I protected myself. Maybe I am just selfish.”

  “No, you’re not. You were scared, and you didn’t know how to handle that. It’s okay to feel that way.”

  “But he wouldn’t let me explain.”

  “He was angry. Did you acknowledge that he had a right to be?”<
br />
  “No, but I’m ready to now.”

  Valerie nodded. “Good.”

  Could I do what she suggested, be open? Could I tell Nate why I’d run that morning and make him understand how much I cared?

  I grabbed my phone and called him.

  “Hello?”

  “Nate, I’m sorry I was an ass. I want to see you.” I didn’t dare look at Valerie. If I was screwing this up, I didn’t want to know.

  “You do?”

  “Yeah. Would you come over tonight? Whatever time works for you?”

  “Adam, I don’t—”

  “Please. Just give me a chance to explain why I’ve been such an asshole.” God, it hurt to beg like that.

  “Okay. I’ll be there at eight.”

  “Thanks. See you then.”

  “Adam?”

  I’d been about to end the call, but I put the phone back to my ear. “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry about the night at the club.”

  “It’s okay. It was actually . . .” I glanced at Valerie, but she was focused on her hot dog. “Fucking hot.”

  “Yeah, but I shouldn’t have left.”

  “That’s the role you were playing and I deserved it.”

  “No, you didn’t. You really didn’t.”

  “Thanks. For saying that.” Wow. I sounded like an idiot. “See you tonight.”

  “Yeah.” Nate ended the call.

  “So he agreed? You’re seeing him later?”

  I nodded, wishing I were as excited as Valerie.

  “Excellent.”

  “Maybe.” I wouldn’t know until he was there, and I had no idea what to do or say and only a few hours to figure it out.

  “I believe in you. You’ll get Nate and you’ll turn Kingston around. And if you need anything, a loan or—”

  I shook my head. “You’ve done plenty. You don’t have to be my benefactress just yet. I’ve got plenty of savings, and we’re going to turn this around.”

  “Yes, you will.” She hugged me tightly, and as I relaxed into the embrace, most of my tension drained away.

  A few moments later, she kissed my cheek and stepped back. “Now go get ready for your date.”

  As I walked home, it occurred to me that Nate might be staying late at the office and wouldn’t have eaten dinner. I could suggest we go out but . . . Nate liked doing things like regular people rather than rich executives. Regular people ate at home, right? I didn’t have time to cook and besides, I might burn the building down. But I could pick up something and set the table. I had nice dishes somewhere. Maybe even a tablecloth. What else? Flowers. I should get flowers for the table.

  It didn’t take me long to acquire a bouquet from a street vendor—Nate would appreciate that they were wildflowers not hothouse ones, right?—and food from a Greek deli down the street from my apartment. I wouldn’t likely be hungry after my hot dogs but hopefully Nate would like my choices. Had I ever wanted to please someone as much as I did Nate that night?

  I sat the food down on the counter. First I needed a vase for the flowers. Where would a vase be? Did I own a vase? I must because my housekeeper left flowers on the table sometimes. One of the lower cabinets yielded a choice of three vases. I chose a cut glass one, filled it with water, and stuck the flowers in it. They flopped over, but I didn’t have time to worry over them.

  Plates next. I knew where the everyday ones were. I did occasionally heat up leftovers for myself. But the nicer ones . . .

  I opened cabinet after cabinet before finally remembering the hutch in the dining room. That’s where they were.

  Now a tablecloth. A thorough search left me empty-handed. Hmmm. What was the difference between a white sheet and a tablecloth? Not much really. Maybe in low light Nate wouldn’t notice.

  I checked the clock. I had thirty minutes left, plenty of time to set the table and change into something nicer. Of course, I still had no idea what to say.

  I flung the sheet over the table. It looked . . . like a sheet. What the hell? I might as well leave it. I already needed to confess to having panic attacks, a desire for Nate that went beyond lust—no way in hell was I using the L word—and apologize. What was one more embarrassing thing?

  I set a place for Nate and one for me. I had to at least have a bite of the spanakopita. It smelled amazing. I put the flowers in the center of the table and then spread the food out along the counter so Nate could make choices and fill his own plate. I raced to the bedroom.

  When I was dressed, I glanced at the clock. Five minutes to go now.

  The buzzer made me jump. He was early. Oh fuck. I didn’t have a plan except begging him not to give up on me. Would that even work?

  I opened the door. Nate was wearing shorts, plaid ones, and a faded light blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up.

  “I guess I’m overdressed,” I said, feeling self-conscious. “I’ve worn suits so long I don’t remember how to do casual.”

  He looked me over. “Did you go to one of those prep schools where you wear suits to class?”

  “Guilty as charged.”

  “Well.” He seemed to consider his words carefully. “I like you in suits.”

  I like you in anything.

  I smiled and then a bit of nervous laughter relaxed me enough to help me remember to step back and gesture for him to enter.

  His eyes widened when he saw the table. “You did this? For me?”

  “I know it’s not quite right, but . . .”

  Nate shook his head. “It’s . . .” He circled the room, studying it carefully. “Is that a bed sheet?”

  “Umm . . . yes. I wanted to do it myself instead of hiring someone. I wanted you to know it was . . . me. That I . . .”

  “Adam.”

  “I ordered some food.” If I kept the conversation going maybe he wouldn’t have time to decide he didn’t want to be here.

  “It smells great.”

  “It’s Greek. I got all vegetarian stuff. I didn’t know if you ate lamb.”

  “Adam, I—”

  “I need to explain some things,” I blurted out. “Things that aren’t easy for me to say. Things no one but Valerie—and my fucking therapist—know.”

  “If you’re embarrassed about seeing a therapist—”

  “Not embarrassed, just pissed off that I need one.”

  “You don’t have time for such petty problems?”

  His words would’ve infuriated me a few weeks ago. Now, I knew he was teasing. “Something like that.”

  “Does this have to do with why you ran out on me?”

  “You had every right to be angry. I was an ass. I usually am. Valerie says I have no idea how to apologize because I’ve never been made to.”

  “And now you’re trying to apologize?”

  “Yes. Am I doing it right?”

  “No one has ever sacrificed their sheets so I could eat a meal in style before, so I think so.”

  “I have panic attacks,” I blurted the words out because I’d chicken out if I waited. “They started when my father was ill and I realized how bad things really were with Kingston’s financials. I’ve had anxiety issues since my teens but it’s been worse this last year. I have a hard time opening up to anyone.”

  “Really?” His smile softened the sarcasm.

  “Yes. When I woke up at your apartment and you offered me breakfast, the encounter turned into a date instead of a hookup. Dates weren’t in my vocabulary, especially not with men, because I’ve been afraid of what my coming out as bi might do to my corporate reputation, but now . . .”

  “Yes?”

  “I’m not sure if I care. But before I can be comfortable coming out, I need you to know that my heart races every time I even imagine being in a real relationship, or having someone expect me to treat them decently, or know how to care for them. I’m working on it, but it’s not going to change overnight, so if that’s too much for you . . .” My chest tightened and I had to force myself to take a long, slow breath.

&nb
sp; “Are you okay?” Nate asked.

  “Yes, this is nothing compared to how I felt that morning at your apartment. I couldn’t breathe, and I thought I would pass out. The last thing I wanted was for you to think I was a freak.”

  “Why would I—”

  “It’s not rational. Anxiety never is.” I sighed. “Most of the time when I’m being a bastard it’s because I’m afraid if I’m not abrasive, I’ll simply break down.”

  “So you—”

  I held up my hand, needing to finish. “I was an ass, but it was for the sake of self-preservation. I wanted to stay. I wanted to have pancakes with you. I wanted to go back to bed and fuck again but all I could do was run, because if I let you turn our time together into a date, I might have to open up to you more than I was capable of.”

  Nate laid a hand on my shoulder. “Thank you for explaining this to me now. And Adam?”

  “Yes?”

  “This isn’t too much for me. You’re not too much for me.”

  The tightness in my chest eased. “Really?”

  Nate nodded. “Yes, really. Was this what you wanted to tell me after the meeting?”

  “Sort of, though I might not have said it as well then.”

  Nate sighed. “I should’ve let you talk, but I was too pissed off that you’d made such an important decision without talking to me.”

  “I couldn’t risk you wanting to talk me out of it.”

  Nate nodded. “I can see that.”

  “I didn’t have any right to expect you to go out with me or to want what I wanted. I don’t think about what others are feeling a lot of the time. I need to control things or I . . . fuck, I might fall apart.”

  “So what do we do now?”

  “Eat dinner then maybe have a drink?” I held my breath.

  “I like this dinner plan.” Nate looked at the table again and smiled. “But I need to ask a question.”

  “Yes?”

  “Do you want this to be a date?”

  My heart pounded. I could say yes and nothing bad would happen. I knew that, but it didn’t make it easy. “Y-yes.”

  “And if it goes well, would you consider going on another one tomorrow? One that takes place in public?”

  “We went to dinner. That was in public.”

  “That could easily have been business. Hell, we more or less pretended it was.”