Renewing Hope (In Your World #2)

by Jennyfer Browne

  I held my breath until he slowly climbed the porch steps, his hat in his hands as he sat down beside me, a small distance between us that felt like a mile. I handed him his glass of iced tea and we sat there in the quiet for a short time, enjoying the afternoon breeze.

  His soft snort of laughter drew my gaze to eye him with curiosity.

  He glanced down at the separation between us and rolled his eyes. Sliding my hand down to the swing, I let out a relieved breath when I felt his hand brush over mine in a feathery caress before taking it in his own and relaxing beside me.

  “This will be difficult,” he murmured quietly, taking a long drink of his tea.

  “Probably,” I said and chuckled when he squeezed my hand.

  “We could take a walk,” he suggested, his eyes a little dark.

  I glanced out to the yard, eyeing the barn and the corn as it waved and rustled in the breeze. Immediately, my good mood faltered from the shiver of fear I had felt earlier when I had neared the barn. The thought of going anywhere near the area where Sean had attacked me still made me fearful. Even with Nathan beside me, the corn’s vicious rustling made me hesitate.

  “Supper will be ready soon,” I said, deflecting the need to explain my fear.

  He squeezed my hand with gentle pressure and offered an understanding smile.

  “You are probably right,” he whispered. “We should behave. We have the Bishop to impress.”

  I let him think those reasons were why I hesitated. They were valid points. We had rules to follow and I was trying to prove myself. It was for the better. We sat in the swing for a long time and enjoyed the simple touch of our hands. His exaggerated sigh when we had to go inside mirrored the same regret I had when we had to let go of each other.

  I missed Nathan’s touch. With the fear of the barn now preventing our private strolls, I missed his closeness even more. Nathan didn’t question why I didn’t want to walk with him, but I could see the want in his eyes every time he suggested it. I continued to let him believe that we needed to behave and left it at that.

  His leaving at night left me feeling more vulnerable, like his presence protected me from the fear and danger of my past. The nightmares continued, with the cornfields separating us at every turn. Try as I might, I couldn’t navigate through the strangling stalks as they blocked out the light. I reached out for Nathan. My hands slid through open air, finding nothing to grab. Many nights my terror juggled between Sean with his forceful grip, and the dark glare of the Bishop, putting up his hand to bar me from reaching the end of the corn.

  This would be much more difficult than I imagined.

  CHAPTER 2

  It was nearly a week before Nathan finally convinced me to walk with him in the waning afternoon. I had run out of excuses to avoid the side of the barn that had once offered us a pleasured moment of privacy. Stepping off the porch with him I held myself stiffly as we walked toward the shade of the barn, my eyes watching the dead stalks for any movement other than the fluttering afternoon breeze.

  It was when I jumped at Nathan’s hand on mine that he frowned and stopped just out of sight of the house.

  “What is wrong?” he asked, concern etching his features. “You look fearful.”

  I swallowed and glanced past his shoulder to the mocking wave of corn. He glanced behind him, still confused.

  “That’s where he took me,” I whispered. “I haven’t been able to get that out of my head. I have nightmares.”

  Nathan’s eyes widened and he pulled me toward the house again with care.

  “I did not know it frightened you,” he said and continued to hold my hand with a protective grip, even in view of the house. As if daring propriety further, he leaned in and kissed me on my temple.

  “I will fix this,” he said and sat me back on the swing, his arm wrapped around me.

  Although it should have been avoided for propriety’s sake, I took comfort in his embrace. It pushed away the tension and for the rest of the night, I felt as safe as I should have when I was with him. I made a promise to myself when I went to bed that night to stand up to my fear so that Nathan wouldn’t have to worry about me.

  I was surprised the next morning when I stepped outside with Emma to milk the cows and discovered Nathan already in the field closest to the barn, his horses rigged up to one of Jonah’s larger machines, and already the first row of corn by the barn had been cleared from the earth. Behind him in the large wagon stood a man I recognized and was surprised to see working amongst the Amish.

  Benjamin Yoder. I remembered him from the Gathering, seemingly months ago. Benjamin was the old friend of Nathan’s who had helped find me.

  The Bishop’s son.

  He was still dressed in English clothes, his dark hair grown out since the last time I had seen him and a wavy mess from the work. It was obvious he knew how to work the machinery. I wasn’t quite sure why he was here, but as Nathan looked up and spoke to him, I could tell the two had somehow resolved their differences. They smiled and called out to one another, working well as a team to complete the task at hand. Both were already soaked in sweat and Nathan’s concentration was such that he didn’t even notice Emma and me standing to watch him.

  I jumped when I heard Jonah beside me.

  “I woke up to find them hitching up the horses,” he said and looked toward the machine as it drew near. “Nathan is a good man to you.”

  I nodded and felt my eyes burning as I stood there.

  Nathan was clearing the field because it frightened me.

  I swallowed and waved to him as he passed, my heart full when his smile broke out over his flushed face. Benjamin turned to see us, and I caught a tremulous smile from him before he returned to his task of spreading out the stalks in the wagon. Jonah hurried us into the barn for our chores and by the time we had returned to the house, I found Nathan cleaned up and sitting at the table with Jonah. Benjamin was nowhere to be seen, and I had to wonder why he hadn’t come in to eat after helping.

  I slid in next to Nathan, feeling his rough hand take mine in my lap as Jonah recited prayers. While everyone seemed occupied with passing the biscuits and eggs, I leaned toward Nathan and whispered my thanks.

  “I promised to see you safe. I will always see to that,” he murmured and that sweet smile graced his face before he straightened up when Jonah spoke.

  “It is a shame that Benjamin could not join us,” he said, looking up from his coffee.

  Nathan cleared his throat and nodded.

  “He did not wish to put us in ill favor,” he mumbled, wiping the top of his biscuit at some of the yolk leaking onto his plate.

  “He knows that he is always welcome,” Fannie replied, her heavy sigh loud in the quiet room. “Please remind him of that when you next see him. It would help him to see we have not given up hope on him.”

  “He is of his own mind,” Nathan said in a hushed voice, wistful and melancholy. “But I will remind him. Thank you for your invitation, Fannie.”

  “I miss him reading to us,” Abigail said, and even her exuberant voice seemed somber.

  Benjamin Yoder had made an impression on many it seemed.

  When I asked Nathan about it later that night, he nodded and looked off toward the newly turned earth by the barn.

  “Benjamin was well respected growing up. It is not easy to be the son of the Bishop, particularly the youngest son. But Benjamin was charismatic and many loved him,” he said and frowned, looking down at his hand in mine.

  “And then he lost his way,” I prompted. “Was he shunned?”

  Nathan shook his head.

  “The Bishop wanted to shun him. I remember that clearly. It was a month or so before you arrived,” he said and let out a long breath. “Benjamin’s mother pleaded with the Bishop not to shun her son. She was so ill with grief at Benjamin’s leaving that I believe the Bishop did not do so only out of fear of losing his wife as well.”

  “The Bishop’s wife is ill?” I asked, thinking of how comba
tive the Bishop always seemed.

  Perhaps that was his issue. He had to be upset at losing his son and possibly his wife.

  “She has been for some time, but with Benjamin leaving, she grew worse. There is much responsibility in being a Bishop’s wife, and she has all but become a recluse,” he said while his frown deepened.

  He was quiet for a while and I didn’t push.

  The Yoders were a confusing lot.

  “I should have helped him.”

  I looked up to see Nathan’s eyes closed tight, his head bowed.

  “You weren’t in a place to help him, I think. Not then,” I whispered and squeezed his hand to soothe him.

  “I could have brought him back,” he continued. “That night he took me to my first Gathering, I should have insisted he come home. But that night, so much happened.”

  “It’s not too late, right?” I asked.

  Nathan shrugged and squeezed my hand again.

  “I am not sure of his desire to come home.”

  “He wouldn’t have come to help you this morning if he didn’t,” I reasoned.

  “Perhaps. He has come to visit me every night since we have returned,” he murmured.

  “Really?” I asked, surprised he was just telling me this now. He seemed to understand and offered a sheepish smile.

  “He does not wish to ruin your chance of joining,” he explained. “Today he helped because I asked.”

  “Perhaps there is hope for him, then,” I said and squeezed his hand in mine. “Some people just need a reason to come back.”

  A small smile crept onto Nathan’s face and he leaned in close, daring propriety with a tender kiss to my temple.

  “There is always hope.”

  We were quiet the rest of the evening, and I smiled when I watched him walk over the hill, hoping his friend would be there waiting for him.

  I lay in bed long after Emma and Abigail fell asleep, thinking about Nathan’s friend.

  The Bishop’s son.

  Was he looking for a way back?

  Would that change things for us?

  Would that help in the healing that seemed necessary in this small community?

  I had to hope so.

  The next morning, Jonah reminded me of my own hurdles when he brought up my intention to join the Amish.

  “With Sermon coming tomorrow, and with your expectations to join our Way, I think I should go speak with old Ezekiel after we finish this near field. With Ezekiel on our side, we can get the baptismal classes started soon. It is late in the season to begin them,” he said and tried to hide his smile with a bite of his biscuit.

  “You think Ezekiel will agree that Kate will be able to join?” Nathan asked, hopeful.

  “I think old Ezekiel will be open to the idea. He more than anyone has the ability to bend the Bishop’s ear,” Jonah replied and left it at that.

  The food lay untouched on my plate, my nerves tightly wound so that my stomach churned and clenched. While I understood what I would have to accomplish, I also knew that the Bishop would need to be convinced. With Jonah’s promise to speak with the Elder I had met at Hannah’s wedding, the possibility of an Amish life for me was suddenly more of a reality than a dream.

  The remainder of the morning was spent helping Fannie with clearing cabinets indoors. It was a welcome distraction and a relief to stay out of the sun that offered perhaps our last day of summer. Soon, it would be fall, and judging by my sisters’ grins, I was not the only one with ideas of what the fall would bring. With fall came plans for winter. With the winter came the hope of being Nathan’s wife and a life of peace.

  Lunch was a hurried affair as Jonah announced he was off to speak with Ezekiel.

  He looked my way and nodded.

  "I think we will have good news when I return," he assured us and squeezed his wife's hand as he left.

  Fannie turned to us then and nodded.

  "Well, with the garden cleared and the laundry done here, it seems we should look to taking care of some things that have fallen to the wayside. Katherine, you may go with Nathan if you like, and help see to his garden. I do not think it has been watered in several days, and we need to harvest what we can for preserving. I am sure he needs help with the stalls as well since he was here so early," she said and I gaped at her at the idea that she was letting me go over to Nathan's house, without a chaperone.

  She smirked and gathered up the dishes beside her.

  "I will send Emma shortly, as soon as we have finished cleaning here," she added.

  Nathan stood and held the door for me as we departed, his gait a little faster than I had ever seen as we made our way up the hill. I had trouble keeping up with his long strides and was breathless by the time we crested the hill. He glanced back to the Berger house once before reaching for my hand and breaking out into a slow run, my surprised laughter echoing off the barn as we neared it.

  Slowing as we approached the barn, he wrapped his arm around me to pull me close. Stepping inside, it was much cooler, and smelled of horses and clean hay as we walked deeper toward the stalls. He chuckled as he guided me toward an empty stall, his hands sliding up to cup my heated cheeks.

  "The benefit to not sleeping at night?" he murmured against my temple. "I was up well before dawn to finish my chores."

  His lips found mine, devouring mine as we moved further into the stall.

  "I have missed you against me, so much," he groaned and pulled me down into the fresh hay.

  "Me too," I sighed and felt his lips glide along my jaw while his body adjusted beside me, his hand sliding along my hip.

  His mouth searched me out, his nose nuzzling into my hair before he let out a slow breath and kissed the thrumming heartbeat in my throat. He looked down at me with heavy eyes, his mouth open as he struggled to breathe in his excitement.

  His hands moved along my body, fingertips gliding up my ribs until they reached my breasts, ghosting over them with exaggerated care. I moaned and arched my back, desperate for his warmth to envelope me.

  "I missed feeling you against me," I murmured.

  I felt him shift, his leg moving in between mine, my skirt and apron hindering him as he tried to move closer. He looked down at my clothes and chuckled low.

  "I miss your English clothes," he joked and let one hand slip down past my thigh to grasp at the skirt, raising it up to my knee. Feeling his fingertips brush the bare skin of my thigh, I moaned and drew my leg up around his, tugging him closer to me. His lips found mine again, and explored me with more urgency.

  "Not enough time," he moaned into my mouth, his fingers gripping my thigh to hold me closer.

  I knocked his hat off reaching for his hair, his soft laughter echoing in the stall.

  Rolling him to his back, I straddled him as he continued to kiss me along my neckline, his hands searching for the hooks that kept my dress closed. He unhooked two, snaking his hand under the fabric to search out my bare skin beneath. His hot fingertips made my eyelids flutter while they traveled and brushed the swell of my breasts, a pleasured hum escaping my throat at his feather light touch.

  I felt Nathan’s arm wrap around me and pull me back into the hay, his body pressed to mine with more determination as his mouth tasted my skin, a pleasured moan coming out of his mouth when his middle ground along the right spot against me. His hand slid down toward my knee, guiding it up with a gentle nudge to spread out as far as the skirt would allow.

  His body pressing closer to mine.

  And then we heard a noise somewhere outside the stall.

  Followed by a man’s voice I didn’t recognize.

  "Hello?"

  Nathan pulled away in a flash at the sound of the man's voice somewhere in the barn, near the far entrance. I scrambled to cover myself as he pulled my skirt down and straightened himself hurriedly. We were both flushed and breathing heavily, something that would be noticed by whomever was calling.

  "Nathan? Are you in there?" the man called again.

&nbs
p; He looked down at me, asking silently if I was all right, watching as I smoothed my mussed hair. I nodded and watched as he rose, stepping out of the stall quickly to head off the unknown person before he discovered us. I heard the strain in his voice as he spoke.

  "Benjamin, pleasant day. You startled me," Nathan was saying as he moved away.

  Benjamin Yoder was here? Again? Why did he have to choose this particular time to come around?

  "I am sorry,” I heard Benjamin say. “Did you forget I said I would come by this morning? Did I interrupt you in your tasks?"

  I heard Nathan cough and the sound of the barn door creaking as it opened.

  "Just clearing stalls," Nathan replied, farther away.

  "I can help."

  "No. Just about finished. How about a drink inside? I am rather thirsty," Nathan continued.

  "You do look flushed. You should not over exert yourself. I would have helped."

  I didn't hear Nathan's answer, as they continued out of the barn. I let out a frustrated breath and brushed myself off, sure that I had hay stuck in my hair. I waited a few minutes to let my skin cool, and then headed toward the garden, just in time to see Emma coming down the hill. She drew near, her smile widening as she caught sight of me.

  "The garden is looking better," she said in a casual voice, although the smirk on her face gave her away.

  I tried to smile as I grabbed the water pail, intent on watering the garden at the very least. She followed along behind me, smiling as she watched me. I had the water gushing out of the pump before she leaned in and plucked a few stray strands of hay from under my cover. The smirk and devious glimmer in Emma’s eye told me I would never hear the end of this.

  "Spent some time in the barn taking care of the stalls?" she asked coyly.

  "Yes," I replied and dragged the water pail away, feeling her fingers in my hair once more.

  "You should really put a blanket down next time," she giggled, jumping away from me before I could splash her with water.

  She giggled again and I couldn't help but laugh.