Renewing Hope (In Your World #2)

by Jennyfer Browne

  I nodded and rubbed at my eyes, trying to keep from crying. I didn't want to show them how much this bothered me.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound ungrateful. I'm just worried he'll do anything to keep me out," I said.

  "Something should be said regarding this," Emma declared and rose from her place.

  I looked at her with wide eyes.

  "No! You can't do that! Please, he hates me enough!" I pleaded.

  Emma looked down at me with determination.

  "I will not chastise him, Katherine," she started and then looked over her shoulder. "But I think you should speak with Elder Ezekiel. Perhaps he will say something."

  I looked past her to see Elder Ezekiel sitting with the Bishop and the other Elder, Eli.

  "I can't."

  "No, not in the way you think, Kate," Nathan said and stood as well, a devious smile on his face.

  He held out his hand and helped me up, looking toward the Elders, deep in thought before he nodded and steered me toward them.

  "We will simply go over and speak with them, tell the Bishop we are happy to be in the class preparing for our life. And then you should thank him for his diligence in showing you properly. Leave the rest to me," he said and continued walking to where the Elders sat.

  Ezekiel saw me first, smiling and waving us over. My throat was dry. I had no idea how this would go. I somehow knew the Bishop would make some excuse against me.

  "Katherine! Welcome!" Ezekiel exclaimed and took my hand when I was close enough.

  "Pleasant day, Elder Ezekiel. How are you today?" I said, trying to stall.

  His smile widened and his grip tightened in mine.

  "I am well, better having heard you started your classes today. How did you enjoy them?" he asked, glancing briefly at the Bishop.

  I offered him my best smile.

  "I learned much today. I am so appreciative for the Bishop's dedication to make sure I learn in the truest form," I said and felt Nathan step a little closer to me.

  "It was certainly enlightening. I was surprised when you held the class in our language; we do it so infrequently now. And I had no idea Kate spoke German so well. How did you know, Bishop Yoder?" Nathan asked.

  There was a tense silence, the Bishop looking at me with a mixture of irritation and fear, while the Elders looked at the Bishop in shock.

  "Samuel?" Ezekiel asked, his voice low and guarded.

  I felt myself tensing at the frustration I saw in the Elders. Why couldn't this be simple? Why was it a fight? Particularly with the Bishop?

  "Katherine," Elder Eli said, interrupting the silence. "Please, if you and Nathan would excuse us. We have matters to discuss."

  Nathan and I nodded, my heart hammering as Nathan pulled me away, his hand brushing my shoulder as he walked me toward the house.

  "It will be all right, Kate. Come, I will take you home," he whispered, steering me further away from the Elders.

  "He's going to be so upset," I murmured, trembling at the thoughts of the Bishop’s retaliation.

  "Yes, he will. But it is time for him to see he is the only one opposed to you being here. It is time others see that he has strayed," he replied.

  We made our way back to the people sitting, finding Fannie and Jonah at a table with Hannah and Mark. Jonah stood and came to us quickly.

  "Emma told us what happened in your class. I will speak to the Elders, Katherine. This is not to be permitted," he said, his voice stern.

  I shook my head and felt myself shrink inward.

  "I don't want this to get out of hand, Jonah. Please, I just want to do what I need to. If I need to learn German, then I will. Why should I get special treatment?" I asked.

  "You do not get special treatment, Katherine. We speak English in our home because we choose to. We will teach you our language in time, but it is not a necessity if you are to live among us. There are those here that do not speak it. We are a young order. Some of us have not lived in the Old Ways. He was out of line," Jonah said.

  "What do you think the Elders will say about this?" Nathan asked.

  "We will see. I know that Ezekiel is disappointed in Samuel's actions towards Katherine before today. I do not see this new trouble being well received," Jonah replied.

  I looked over toward the Elders, seeing that the Bishop had left, leaving only Ezekiel and Eli there. I had to wonder then if they had sent him to go find me. I didn't want another confrontation with the Bishop today. I just wanted to go home.

  "Jonah, may I have permission to take Kate home? We could wait with you if you prefer," Nathan asked, sensing my tension.

  Jonah looked between the two of us and nodded.

  "We will be along shortly. Perhaps, Katherine, you can pull the last of the melons from the garden to eat tonight?" he asked.

  I nodded and felt Nathan's hand on my back, pulling me toward the buggies.

  Situated back in his open seat, we were off, the trip taking hardly any time at all before we were back at Nathan's house. I waited as he slipped the harness off of his horse, guiding him into the nearby paddock to graze. The more I watched him work, the more I wondered what I would do when I became his wife. He had said he needed help.

  Would that include more than what Fannie did, since she had daughters to help out?

  How would life be with Nathan when it was just the two of us?

  What would he expect of me? Would it be more than I could handle?

  "You are deep in thought."

  I looked up to see Nathan standing before me. His fingers traced along my jaw delicately before slipping back into his pockets, his look tentative. I shrugged and looked around him, at the farm that was struggling.

  "It's just, with the Bishop showing me how little I really know of your world, I am wondering what it will be like, truly," I explained.

  He took my hand and led me back toward the hill, his pace slow to allow us time to talk.

  "What do you wonder will be different?" he asked.

  I looked up at him and gestured toward his house.

  "You need help here, Nathan. I don't know anything about farms or gardens. Don't you want someone who knows those things? Someone who won't slow you down?"

  He frowned and shook his head.

  "I want you. The rest will come with time and learning, just like how you are learning our Way. You will learn," he replied, looking out at his fields, now a mixture of drying stalks and freshly turned earth.

  "What if I'm not any good?" I asked.

  He smiled and laughed.

  "I think you are very good, Kate," he teased.

  I frowned at his sudden bravado. His laughter guttered out when he noticed I was not laughing.

  "You are nervous that you will not do well as my wife?" he asked, stopping half way up the hill to turn toward me.

  I blushed at his words. I had a feeling we would be fine as husband and wife. It was the daily routine that I worried over.

  Planting, farming, mucking out the stalls.

  He cleared his throat and threaded his fingers through mine, his grasp almost desperate.

  "I must confess I am fearful that I will not make a good enough husband for you," he whispered.

  I looked up at him in surprise.

  "I don't think that."

  He looked back at his house; his eyes had turned melancholy, a reminder of how he had been when I first met him.

  "Look at it, Kate," he murmured. "My father would have sown all the fields, and I barely made one field prosper this year. I do not have food stores made for winter; I do not know how I will feed my horses, much less myself. I cannot take care of myself, let alone a wife. It will be difficult. How will I take care of you?"

  I touched his face, drawing it a little closer to mine. I leaned up and placed my lips over his to offer him some of the comfort he always shared with me when I doubted. He let out a soft sigh and leaned into the kiss, but I pulled away, pressing my palm onto his cheek so he was looking toward his house once more.<
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  "Do you know what I see?" I asked near his ear.

  He shook his head.

  "I see a home that needs two people to make it thrive. I see your hard work in those fields. And I see a home that is beginning to shine again. Maybe what I am most afraid of is that I don't know what you expect from me. I want to learn, but I need to know what to do in order to be a part of it. I see a beginning for both of us," I whispered and held him a little closer.

  "You will not turn away?" he asked, looking down at me. "If it becomes too difficult?"

  I shook my head and smiled.

  "Teach me and we'll do it together," I replied and laughed when he grinned down at me.

  He leaned in and sought my lips and capturing them in earnest, letting out a low moan when he finally pulled away.

  "We should hurry back. Jonah will not be long behind us," he murmured.

  I nodded and we made our way back to the Berger house, the sun casting long shadows across the grass as we crossed the yard toward the garden. We picked three of the ripest cantaloupes and retreated into the kitchen, enjoying the coolness of the house after the day in the sun. Nathan hung back while I washed up and prepared the melon, smiling his way every now and then as he sat and watched me.

  I cut the melon into small pieces, tossing them into a bowl as I worked. I tried one or two pieces, realizing I was hungry. I hadn't eaten much during the day, but as we stood there in the quiet, my calm allowed my body to feel hungry once more. I glanced back at Nathan again as I popped another bite into my mouth, pausing when I noticed him staring.

  The heat of his look made the air in the room seem much colder as my skin heated. How could someone as innocent as Nathan offer such a lusty stare? And why couldn't we get more than a few minutes alone?

  I was spoiled from my time with him outside the confines of the Amish.

  As if to prove the point, we heard the buggy pull up, carrying the Bergers.

  Nathan let out a slow breath and scrubbed at his jaw before standing to walk outside, distancing himself from temptation. I let out my own sigh and returned to finishing up with the melons as Fannie came in.

  We fixed something light for supper, the heat of the day making everyone quiet and thoughtful. When the meal was done, we finished cleaning and I settled onto the swing with Nathan, Emma and John relaxing as they found a place in the fading light away from us. We sat there and read quietly, Nathan pulling me close as he read near my ear, lulling me as I closed my eyes. I had not slept well since returning; my dreams clouded and often included corn and running.

  My mind wandered, and this time the Bishop stood before me with the Bible in his hand. He looked up from the Book, glaring at me before slamming it closed. I jolted awake and upright from Nathan's arm.

  "Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep on you," I whispered and rubbed my face, trying to get my bearings again.

  "Was it a bad dream?" he asked.

  "I'll be fine," I assured and moved to get up. His hand on my wrist made me pause.

  "You do not need to be afraid anymore. I will be here for you through everything," he said.

  I nodded and squeezed his hand.

  "Together, right?" I asked, referring to the conversation before.

  He grinned and stood.

  "Always. No matter how long it takes," he said and stretched. He was beginning to lean in to offer me a kiss when we heard voices inside. He pulled away with a jerk, just in time.

  We watched in surprise as the Bishop came through the back door, Jonah and Fannie on his heels as they followed him. Jonah’s eyes darted over us as if to be sure we weren't doing anything the Bishop would find inappropriate.

  "It is late Samuel. This can wait until tomorrow," Jonah said.

  The Bishop looked back at Jonah and shook his head.

  "I must say what I came to say tonight," he demanded and turned to me. "Katherine, I will speak with you in private," he said.

  I blinked at him, all fatigue gone as I recalled my dream and wondered if he was here to tell me I must leave.

  "She does not need to be alone while you speak with her," Jonah started but the Bishop waved him off.

  "What I have to say to Katherine is for her alone. And God."

  Nathan stepped a little closer to me, his hand moving to encircle my shoulder. The Bishop watched as Nathan wrapped a protective arm around me.

  "Please," the Bishop requested, his voice much softer.

  I looked up at Jonah, who hesitated before nodding and holding the door open for Nathan.

  "We will give you a few minutes alone. Nathan, come inside and have some tea with us," Jonah requested and waited for Nathan to move. He seemed reluctant; his eyes remained on the Bishop before he looked down at me and smiled.

  "I will be just inside," he whispered and let me go with some reluctance.

  I waited until they were safely inside before I directed my gaze back at the Bishop. I couldn't read his face. It was a cross between agitation and pain. And maybe even resignation. He gestured to the swing and followed me to it, sitting after I had sat. He kept his distance and pulled off his hat, looking off into the evening.

  When he spoke, his voice was rough.

  Surly, almost.

  "I must ask your forgiveness for my actions today."

  I blinked at his words and after a shocked moment, I nodded.

  "You have it. I understand why you did it," I murmured.

  He paused, as if he had expected me to balk at his apology. The old me would have, but the new me had learned that it was necessary to forgive in order to move on.

  "You are not upset with my reason?" he asked finally, keeping his eyes on the field.

  "I can't understand why you treat me badly when I have done nothing to earn your scorn. You don't know me to judge me," I confessed.

  He was quiet once more for a long time. I waited for him to continue.

  "You seem to have won over everyone around you."

  I straightened and held my head a little higher.

  "I haven't won anyone over. I am just trying to make a life here, Bishop Yoder," I replied.

  "Are you? I think you are here to steal young Fisher from us,” he stated, refusing to look my way.

  His tone was starting to make me angry. I took a breath, struggling to remain calm.

  "I am here to find peace and a life I can understand. Nathan is part of that, yes. But it is with Nathan and this lifestyle I wish to make a life," I started, but he put up his hand to stop me.

  "And your trust in God? You come from a world that is Godless. How can I trust that you are not here to hide, and have not found God?" he asked.

  "I may be new to this community, Bishop Yoder, but the outside world has God as well. If you are asking if I have found Him while I have been here, the answer is yes. I may see it a little differently than you, but I have seen it here," I replied.

  "To live with us is to live with God," he preached.

  I pursed my lips and eyed him carefully, not sure if I should say what I felt. But he continued to judge me. Without knowing me.

  "To live with God is to follow His words. Words like love and forgiveness and acceptance,” I argued. “To know God is to open your heart and your home to others, to help those less fortunate, to offer friendship and peace to a stranger. To forgive those who have wronged you, to know that God will send justice, not man. God rewards those who follow His path.”

  My heart was beating fast while I waited for his response. So much of what Nathan spoke of at night were these things exactly. And these things I had witnessed every day. But the Bishop had shown me none of that. He was further from what he preached than I was.

  "You speak well, but do you mean what you say?" he whispered.

  "I have always been honest and true. That has never changed. Not all English are bad, Bishop Yoder. I wish you would see that. Whatever your bias, it's not fair to judge me based on that," I whispered and stood.

  He sat there looking out at the field w
hile I stood, waiting for him to speak. When he did, it was barely a whisper.

  "Your world sucks the innocence from ours. I have not seen any good come of your world."

  "That's like the outside world saying that the Amish are all backwoods ignorant occultists," I replied, watching his face contort in anger at my words.

  "It's not what I think," I added. "But you see the prejudice? It's not fair to lump me into that world when I so desperately want out of that."

  "You are too worldly for this life. You will tire of it here. And you will drag Nathan with you out into that evil. Just as I have lost my son, we will lose Nathan," he hissed.

  "Whatever happened between you and Benjamin is your own issue. It's not about the English world. And Nathan is old enough to do what he likes. I won't tire of this life. You don't know what my life was like before. What I know is that this is what I choose. Even with you making it difficult at every turn. You will not dissuade me, Bishop Yoder. I will do my best to make you believe that I am worthy," I said and started to leave.

  His next words made me stop.

  "I do not approve of you, Katherine Hill, because you are a woman with strong opinions. Your world has made you willful."

  I turned and shook my head at him.

  "If anything, Bishop Yoder, that world has made me more determined to seek out what will make me happy. It made me run, and I found this place. It made me see where I needed to go. There is nothing I want in that world. Not when I can find peace and happiness here," I replied and stepped inside.

  I heard him following after me, and saw the looks of surprise on the Bergers’ faces as I stepped in. I put myself at a safe distance from him, close to Nathan as the Bishop lingered in the doorway. He looked at each of us, holding his hat tight in his hand.

  "I was told to meet with both of you weekly, so that we may complete your baptism classes before first frost. I will do so, but it is under duress," he said, refusing to look at me.

  "Samuel, you know this is right," Fannie said as she stood beside Jonah.

  He shook his head and turned to leave.

  "It is not for me to decide when the community has spoken. Therefore I will abide by their wishes," he said and paused in the doorway, looking back at us.

  "I will expect you at my home this Tuesday evening. We will meet for an hour, and then discuss a time to meet from there. It is inconvenient, but it must be done," he said and made to leave.