Renewing Hope (In Your World #2)

by Jennyfer Browne

  "Thank you, Bishop Yoder. We will try not to burden you," Nathan said.

  The Bishop glanced over his shoulder, eyeing Nathan hard.

  "We will see. But you must remember your responsibilities, Nathan. Your baptism brings with it many responsibilities," he said and disappeared into the night.

  I looked up at Nathan, whose eyes were now downturned and thoughtful.

  "What did he mean, Nathan?" I asked, my voice sounding fragile in the silent room.

  He tilted his head up, his eyes unreadable as he stroked my chin lightly. His smile seemed a little sad, but his eyes had turned soft as he gazed down at me and sighed.

  "It means," he murmured, "that you may soon be a Bishop's wife."

  CHAPTER 6

  “What? What does that mean?”

  I knew my voice sounded a little too high-pitched and shocked. I had been having a hard enough time figuring out how to make tomatoes grow, so the idea of becoming some pillar to the community was way out of my league.

  Nathan guided me toward the table, sitting down beside me as Fannie and Jonah looked on.

  “Every man baptized into the community is eligible to become the next Bishop,” he explained, watching me with trepidation as I tried to close my mouth and swallow.

  My throat was terribly dry.

  Couldn’t we have just one day without something new coming up?

  “It was always imagined that Benjamin or Nathan would make fine Bishops,” Fannie explained.

  “In truth, the Bishop had hoped to get Nathan baptized soon, as he has wanted to retire from the position since his wife grew ill,” Jonah added.

  “She would not be so ill had he not sent her son away,” Fannie grated. The heat in her voice surprised me. She had never seemed angry before.

  “Calm, Fannie. It is not our business,” Jonah chided.

  “Wait,” I interjected and raised my hands to halt their conversation. “I’m still stuck on the Bishop thing. We can come back to Benjamin in a bit.”

  I turned in my seat and looked at Nathan, who was rubbing at the clean tabletop distractedly.

  “The Bishop wanted you to be his next in line?” I asked.

  He shrugged and nodded.

  “It is not for him to decide, but that was his hope, yes.”

  “If it’s not for him to decide then he can’t threaten you with the plan of becoming Bishop,” I said.

  Jonah leaned in and took my hand.

  “It is for God to decide, but the community can vote on who is to be chosen. You can be sure Nathan’s name would be amongst the chosen,” he said, confusing me further.

  “Every year,” Fannie continued. “We meet in Council to decide on our laws and ways. This is a means of renewal for us. And at that time, if a new Bishop is to be chosen, the community puts in names of those deemed worthy of the leadership role of Bishop.”

  “Those men who are baptized and voted in are taken with the Elders to choose from several Bibles. In one, a slip of paper is hidden, that signifies the chooser as the new Bishop. In this way, although we may have chosen whom to nominate, God ultimately decides who is to be our new Bishop,” Jonah explained.

  I thought about it for several moments, trying to work my mind around their voting policies. Even if Nathan were to choose the Way and become a baptized member, it was not a guarantee that he would be Bishop. Or that he would be chosen once married to me.

  “It seems far-fetched that the community would vote in a man with a wife who had once been English,” I argued.

  “Perhaps we do not see you as English at all, Katherine, but always meant for the Amish life,” Jonah mused and made to stand. “True, it is not common, but if the voice of God is in the pairing, who is to argue it? And there are some who would see that as a blessing for Bishop.”

  “This is all speculative and will only cause more worry. It is not in our hands to decide,” Fannie said and stood up with her husband.

  Nathan nodded and stood, holding onto my hand as he did. I stood with him and walked to the doorway, wanting to say goodnight. He turned back to Jonah, pausing in putting on his hat.

  "May I speak with Kate for a moment? I will be quick," he asked.

  Jonah nodded and let us leave, Nathan pulling me toward the barn on his way to his hill. We saw Emma wish John a good night and slip into the house, careful to give us a wide berth as Nathan led us to the barn. Once on the far side of it, he turned and looked down at me, eyes intense.

  "Does this news trouble you?" he asked.

  I could hear the fear in his voice, the uncertainty.

  "You don't want to be the Bishop," I reasoned, understanding his fear when he shook his head.

  "It was always Benjamin. He was always deemed more appropriate for the position. At least prior to his falling out with his father. With him gone, there are very few the community would consider. Many would have chosen Benjamin," he said, holding me a little closer.

  "Is that why he’s afraid to return?" I asked, thinking about the looks he gave when mentioning his return.

  "It is more than that. He let his father down by staying amongst the English. The Bishop feels he failed his son, and that is difficult to admit. And even now, many still wish the Bishop’s son would return. But when we are baptized, it will be assumed that I should be voted in," he explained.

  “And the Bishop may try to do that before we are married?” I asked, thinking about a new way to try and scare me off.

  “I would not doubt it. I do not see us married before the next Council. Baptized, perhaps, but a wedding would need to happen immediately,” he said, glancing off toward the house.

  I turned in time to see Jonah's silhouette in the doorway.

  "I should get back," I said softly.

  "Wait," he said and took me by the shoulders, gripping me with care. "I do not wish to put us in a bad position, Kate. I should have discussed this with you before asking you to be my wife. I should not have withheld this possibility from you. That was unfair. "

  I smiled and leaned up to kiss him. It was short, much shorter than both of us wanted.

  "I will still be your wife," I whispered. “Being a Bishop’s wife doesn’t scare me.”

  He smiled and deepened the kiss, pressing into me a little harder.

  "You truly are stronger than many see. You are my rock. I hope I can be that for you as well," he murmured, his mouth covering mine a little more earnestly.

  "I need to get back," I mumbled against his lips, sighing when they traveled to my ear, his breath hot there.

  "I will not be able to sleep without thinking of you next to me," he said and pressed his lips just under my ear.

  I grinned and tightened my grip around his shoulders, holding him closer.

  "Well, at least he agreed to offer classes sooner. That means a quicker wedding,” I said, tipping my head back to wink up at him.

  He pulled away and laughed.

  "That will be a benefit," he sighed and then sobered up quickly. "I will manage this. It is perhaps a sign that I will find a way to make it through the winter, Kate."

  I pulled his hand, drawing him back toward the house.

  "There is still my car to sell. And I have a little money left from Dad. Not much, but if the car sells well, we'll have something. And I can make anything out of just about nothing. You’d be surprised what I can do with noodles and an imagination," I said with a smile.

  He stopped at the base of the steps and held my hand for a moment longer.

  "We will see what is provided for us. Perhaps tomorrow you can help me to clear part of the garden and we can plant something to grow before the frost?" he asked.

  I glanced up at the shadow of Jonah in the window and nodded.

  "I'll see if they'll let me," I replied and kissed him one last time before he drew away.

  "I will see you in the morning then, Kate. Pleasant dreams," he said and walked backwards until I closed the door. His profile was still visible through the window as he turn
ed and walked slowly up the hill and disappeared.

  Heading to the kitchen, I found Fannie and Jonah sitting at the table, looking my way.

  "You must think this unjust," Jonah said softly.

  I frowned and tilted my head to the side, silently asking what he meant.

  "He means how we choose our Bishop," Fannie clarified.

  I sat once more at the table with them.

  "What if it’s not something that is in his heart?" I asked quietly.

  "Every man must have God in his heart. Every man knows that he may be chosen, and must accept it if it falls on him. The responsibility will be immense, on both of you. But it will be Nathan's duty if chosen. Every man understands and agrees to it upon his baptism," Jonah explained.

  "The community wanted Benjamin Yoder," I stated, trying to work through my thoughts.

  "Yes, that is true."

  "What if he rejoined the community? Would he then be in line to become Bishop?" I asked, looking up into Jonah's compassionate eyes.

  He glanced at Fannie, a look of uncertainty crossing his face.

  "He would need to convince the Bishop that he was worthy of his baptism. He has not accepted our path yet," he said, ducking the issue.

  "But if he did convince Bishop Yoder, before the Council convened. He could be chosen and not Nathan?”

  Fannie patted my hand and tried to smile.

  "You seem to like Benjamin, we all do. But his history with his father is what makes him hesitate about returning," she said.

  "What did he do to make the Bishop turn him away? Nathan told me that he's not been shunned," I said, their smiles widening at my observation.

  "That is Benjamin's story. But I will say he fears more than he should. It is true; the community has not shunned him, as much as the Bishop may have wanted to. His wife convinced him otherwise. And for that there is hope. It is time for him to come home and face his demons here," Jonah said and stood up.

  "So how do we convince him to come back?" I asked, wanting to figure this out.

  Fannie smiled and pulled me in with her arm.

  "What makes you think we are not already succeeding in that? He came to supper this evening, when before he would not. Is that not a success?" she asked, grinning.

  "Enough talk now. It is late," Jonah said, putting an end to the conversation. "Tomorrow will be a busy day."

  I nodded and hugged them goodnight, my mind overwhelmed by what had happened during the day. I struggled to find a solution for everything. It appeared the simple life wasn’t really all that simple. I barely slept; the early morning came too quickly to offer much rest.

  Nathan was quiet throughout breakfast, answering only a few questions from Jonah, most of them with nods or a shake of the head. He looked tired, as if he had not slept well either. I was silent beside him, finishing my breakfast in preparation for a busy day. I was sure that there was much to do not only at the Bergers’ house, but at the Fisher home as well, and I wanted to dive in and assist in any way I could. I stood and cleaned up, rushing through the washing so that I could convince Fannie that I should go to Nathan's.

  It was wash day after all.

  "Yes, Katherine," Fannie said, exasperated. "You can go, but I will be by to help as soon as I have Emma started with the wash."

  I said my goodbyes and grabbed the basket we had made for a meal later, following Nathan out into the early morning sunlight. We kept that respectable distance we had cultivated while in public. But even with a foot between us, I could feel him beside me. When we were out of earshot, Nathan spoke.

  "The morning sun plays in your hair nicely. Like spun gold," he offered.

  I smiled and glanced his way. I could tell he was watching me, although his head remained forward.

  "That is the first thing you have said all morning to me," I replied, smiling.

  He frowned and shook his head.

  "I apologize for that. My mind has been many places this morning," he said.

  "Don't apologize. I understand," I soothed, reaching for his hand as we crested the hill. "It's nice to hear a compliment as the first thing."

  His lips curved into a timid smile and he tilted his head my way, green eyes swallowing me up.

  "I wrote you something last night. But I dare not show it to anyone."

  "Why would you tell me that and then not want to share it?" I asked, laughing.

  His ears reddened and his smile grew wicked.

  "I will share it with you on our wedding night," he replied and squeezed my hand a little tighter.

  We walked to the house, so that I could put away the food. Nathan watched me from the doorway, taking in every movement as I set things in their proper place. When I turned around to face him, he was looking down at his feet.

  "What's wrong?" I asked.

  His head shot up and he looked surprised, like I had caught him somehow.

  "I am trying to make things work in my head and I cannot seem to make it all coalesce," he admitted.

  "Are we talking about what happened last night?"

  He nodded and looked down.

  "I should not have told you I did not want to be Bishop. I sound ungrateful and selfish, but it is my duty if Benjamin does not return in time and I am voted on. And now I must think how to convince him sooner than I expected," he said, his voice troubled.

  I moved to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. His arms engulfed me, and we stood there for a moment enjoying the comfort of each other.

  "I have been thinking about Benjamin and how to get him back. I didn’t sleep much last night," I said.

  "I did not sleep either, thinking about the same thing. We are selfish, you realize?" he whispered.

  I looked up into his guilty demeanor and shook my head.

  "No, we are being practical, and sensible. Benjamin needs to come home. Not just for us, but for him as well. And the community. He was at the Bishop's yesterday, did you see him?" I asked.

  He shook his head.

  "He was back in his Amish clothes, and he stood just at the edge of the field, listening. He wants to come home, Nathan. But whatever happened is making him doubt himself. I have no idea if he wants to be Bishop, but at the very least he needs to come back where he can thrive," I reasoned.

  "I offered him a place in my home, Kate. He has not taken me up on the offer," Nathan murmured into my ear.

  "Well, perhaps we need to make him a place here, already made up for him, so he feels comfortable about it. Maybe he feels he would be putting you out? Which I can't understand since you have this big house," I said, stopping myself before I commented on how it was just Nathan living in the big house.

  "We should set up one of the rooms for him," he suggested, and I could hear the pain in his voice.

  "I think it would be good, for both of you," I said and leaned up to kiss him across his pursed lips, hoping to comfort him.

  "Will you help me? I cannot do it alone," he said.

  I slowly drew away and took his hand, guiding him through the house, ignoring the cloth-covered furniture for the time being and heading up the stairs. I didn't know whose bedrooms had been whose. I took one glance at Nathan's tidy room and moved to the next closed door, looking up to him askance.

  He shook his head.

  "That was Rachel’s."

  Holding his hand a little more firmly, we went to the next door.

  He shook his head again and swallowed hard.

  "Mary and Ruth's," he croaked.

  The next door, at the end of the hall had him shaking. I pulled him back down the hall to the door across from his. He let out a long sigh and looked at the door as if remembering the memories the room held for him. I figured, based on deduction, that this must have been his brothers' room. He had told me that David, his oldest brother, had died the year his youngest brother, Jason, had been born.

  "This room has seen changes, right? Maybe this room is the right one," I offered.

  I felt him shudder beside me and he let
out a long breath.

  "I know things will need to change. It is just difficult to give them up," he whispered.

  "Then let's give Benjamin the chance to change things. To give you that step into a new life," I suggested.

  Nodding, Nathan took a halting step at the door, his breath becoming more irregular as he drew closer. His free hand lingered on the doorknob, contemplating. I watched as he closed his eyes and turned the knob, the door opening with a slight squeak. He kept his eyes closed as the door opened, revealing his youngest brother's room, as it was the day he had died.

  Sunlight poured into the room, swirls of dust floating in the air from the movement made by the door. Inside was a room similar to Nathan's. The room was simply furnished with a twin-sized bed, a small chest of drawers, and a writing desk that looked to still have papers strewn across it. The bed had been made, tidy and quilt-covered, just like Nathan's. But unlike Nathan's room, this room had bits and pieces of the occupant's life around it. Tucked in the corner lay a pile of books, a small wooden horse, and on the wall, hand-drawn pictures of farm life. I recognized the big black horse immediately. But there were also drawings of the fields, the hill I had grown to adore, and white puffy clouds over fields of green.

  Jason had been an artist of sorts. His drawings, for a small child, were quite good, and my heart hurt looking at the shrine that had been left of him. His last thoughts, his last boyish dreams were littered throughout the room. I looked back at Nathan, who stood frozen, his eyes clenching shut.

  "I cannot go in," he whimpered, shaking his head. "I am sorry. But I cannot."

  I squeezed his hand in reassurance before letting it go, turning to the room with the solemn sense of duty. I stepped in, feeling the warmth of the sun hit me as I entered. The air was a little stale from having been shut for so long. I moved silently to the window and eased it open, feeling the morning breeze wash over me. Glancing back to Nathan, I found him watching me with pained eyes, arms folded around himself.

  I turned back to the task at hand; already the tears blurred my vision while I worked to strip the bed. I could feel Nathan's eyes on me as I moved around the room. I took my time, taking care his brother’s things while I packed them away, to make room for the future. I wiped my tears away before I turned toward Nathan. I didn't want him to see how much this affected me, too. I wanted him to know I could do this for him. I needed to be the strong one this time.