Renewing Hope (In Your World #2)

by Jennyfer Browne

  They both nodded.

  "That is the plan," John replied and rubbed at Emma's hand to calm her. She seemed to relax in an instant and her blush diminished. It was amazing how in tune they both were with each other.

  Nathan cleared his throat and glanced at me.

  "I do not believe it will be winter when we speak our vows," he said, his lips quivering.

  It was my turn to blush and feel Nathan's soothing touch on my hand.

  "Yes, well. You still must have the Bishop ask for Katherine’s permission, Nathan," John replied, his smile sobering quickly.

  Nathan pulled my hand into his and held his head higher.

  “I have hope and faith,” he replied, confirming for me that somehow, things would work out.

  Even if the Bishop fought us tooth and nail.

  Nathan’s faith in us made me believe.

  It carried me through the rest of the afternoon.

  I watched as people eventually dispersed, shaking hands with John and nodding politely to Emma as they left later that afternoon. The formal announcement had been made about their impending wedding, with many congratulations and well wishes. It was nice to see so much affection toward the two of them. A few asked Nathan about his plans to take a bride, their playful banter in German causing him to blush and glance my way with a timid smile, as if asking me if it was all right to announce our own plans.

  He refrained, which I was glad for, and the older women teased him about needing a good woman around his house before they glanced at me thoughtfully and went on their way. I simply smiled and remained quiet, trying to emulate the Amish Way.

  Nathan excused himself at some point to offer his help in packing the wagon that carried the Sermon benches, and so I sat on our swing, the chores complete and the sun dipping toward the hill. I was exhausted from avoiding the Bishop's intense scrutiny most of the day and shattered from trying to ignore the looks and whispers of everyone else. My nerves were raw, and I tried desperately to hide it so as not to worry Nathan or the Bergers. The day had been maybe the hardest since coming into my new world, and that was saying something after learning how to muck out stalls and wash clothes by hand.

  I just wanted to crawl upstairs and sleep, and hope that the following day showed me more grace and acceptance. My eyes had closed at some point, but I heard the tentative footsteps near me. I opened my eyes, expecting Nathan. I was surprised to see Benjamin there, looking down at his hat in his hand. I slid over and patted the swing, offering him a seat. He looked as tired as I felt.

  He shook his head and moved to lean on the porch railing across from me. I watched him as he picked at a worn spot on his straw hat, his eyes remaining there as if only the mark on the brim existed in his world. I remained quiet, unsure in my present state that I wouldn't say something awkward or inappropriate. He cleared his throat and glanced up only as far as my own feet.

  "I wanted to thank you, Katherine."

  I shifted in my seat and shook my head.

  "I don't know what for. I haven't done anything," I murmured, forcing his eyes to find mine.

  "I have everything to thank you for. I would not be here, if it were not for you."

  I made to argue but he put his hand up, silencing me.

  "I only hope I will be half of what you expect of me," he said and barked out a harsh laugh.

  "I don't expect anything that you are not already, Benjamin," I murmured.

  "You see more than anyone I know, Katherine. You seem to know how to inspire," he continued. "You have no fear, you leap into the lion's den, and still you continue on. I have witnessed you stand up to the man who terrifies me, and still you smile and persevere. You stand up for things that should be natural for me to do. But I could not. I walked from my mother's bedside this morning with the idea that I had to do something, after last night and your words. I have run for long enough. You did that for me, Katherine. You made me see God again."

  I looked down from him, embarrassed and uncomfortable.

  He was putting too much credence into my being.

  The same being who was seconds from crying and wanting to run away as well.

  "You did that yourself, Benjamin," I murmured. "You just needed to see that people do care about you being here and being well."

  "But you made me see that. Your desire for this life makes you unafraid of the wrongs you have been dealt," he said and when I looked up at him, I noticed his pursed lips as he looked off toward his father. He let out a long sigh and turned back to me, his eyes somber.

  He tilted his head to the side and regarded me thoughtfully for a long moment.

  "You shoulder too much of a burden that is not yours, Katherine," he whispered. "And for that I am sorry. For much of it is my fault."

  "It's not your fault," I started.

  "Yes it is. My father has never appreciated the wonder of the English world. His father refused him his Rumspringa. My father works in the modern world with his furniture store, but he is not a man of that world. I think he simply refuses to acknowledge it on principle now, because his own father shunned it. My desire to remain in that world meant I could have what he was refused. He did not appreciate that. His children should never have better than he did," he explained ruefully.

  "I'm not sure if it was better, Benjamin. But a parent should want the best for his child," I replied.

  He shrugged and picked at his hat again.

  "I was angry at him for denying me. For insisting I give up the things I had discovered in that world. Better things. I found a girl I thought I loved. Whom I thought loved me," he whispered and kept his head down. He swallowed and cleared his throat. "My father could not fathom me loving anyone outside our Order. He could not see past his own experience."

  "That's his fault, not yours," I argued.

  He laughed and nodded.

  "But I did not help to temper his view of English women. I know he harbors ill feelings for you because of me. I am sorry for that," he murmured.

  I stood and took a step toward him. I couldn't handle much more deep conversation today.

  "I irritate him for many reasons, Benjamin. Please don't feel responsible for how this community feels toward me," I said, trying to brush off the emotions I felt at having to continue to prove myself, probably for years to come.

  He looked up at me, his eyes dark and deep and full of regret.

  "You have proven to him that someone can stand up to his hurtful words. It should have been me last night standing up to him. But I was afraid and you were braver than I. I fear I will fail in my faith. I do not know if God still wants me," he said in a low voice.

  "I don't think you would have stepped forward today if that was true, Benjamin. You knew it was where you needed to be, even if Elder Ezekiel gave you the nudge you needed. Sometimes we need a push to get us going in the right direction," I explained and allowed him a tender smile when he chuckled.

  "Elder Ezekiel is quite persuasive. You do not say no to him," he said, nodding gravely.

  "No, you do not. He sees your purpose clearly, I think," I replied.

  He sighed and continued to nod, like the movement would help him admit it to himself.

  “It will be determined when Council meets,” he said.

  I remained quiet so that he could continue with what I knew was coming.

  “Elder Ezekiel and Jonah have already said they would vote me in for next Bishop.”

  “Are you afraid you will be chosen?” I asked in a whisper.

  He let out a soft laugh and shrugged.

  "My father never wanted the position. He was chosen late, when our old Bishop died. He was a successful businessman, and the role of Bishop is consuming. He never fully embraced it. But I have always enjoyed my time doing God’s work. In truth it was something I hoped for before my Rumspringa. But I am my father’s son. I live with the notion that I will be scrutinized always for my father's failures.”

  He straightened up looking at me directly, as if in solemn
declaration.

  "But if chosen, I will strive to live right and do well by you, because you have shown me there are things worth defending that are honest and true. You are worth defending, Katherine, because already you are Amish in God's eyes. Nathan was right. You are an angel from Heaven to enlighten us all. You will make a good partner for my best friend, and will provide the light he needs, just as he does for you," he said.

  I swallowed and took a deep breath, his words resonating profoundly after such a long and troubling day.

  "Thank you, Benjamin," I whispered and smiled in appreciation. It was nice to hear from someone other than family and Nathan.

  Benjamin nodded and looked back at his father once more.

  "I must give hope and kindness to my flock if I am to make a good Bishop, now, am I not?” he asked and smiled.

  "I think you are a natural, Benjamin Yoder," I breathed, proud of my friend.

  He let out a nervous chuckle and took a deep breath.

  "Perhaps. We shall see. But your bravery gives me the strength and courage to succeed and I thank you for that," he said and was quiet for a moment, pulling his thoughts together as he fidgeted with his hat once more.

  I watched, as Benjamin seemed to transform before my eyes from the scared lost boy to a man of faith.

  "I am renewed by your hope and faith in our Way, Katherine Hill. And it is time you see that you are made for this life," he said, his eyes focusing on me intently. "Do not try to live in the expectation of others. To thine own self be true."

  I laughed and shook my head.

  "That's Shakespeare, not the Bible," I teased.

  His smile warmed and he nodded.

  "One thing my father did not learn was that there are other wise prophets in the world from whom we may glean advice," he explained and then looked at me seriously.

  "Shakespeare was a wise man. The words provide a truth we should all follow. Follow what is in your heart, because that is where you reside closest to God's way."

  "Shakespeare was a wise man indeed, then," I replied.

  "And so you shall see your new Bishop bring in fresh thought to this congregation if I am chosen," he said. "Because you and I have seen the evil in the world. We understand what beauty there is here," he replied, a little wistful.

  I touched his hand lightly, not wanting to overstep any rules.

  "You will be a better Bishop because of that, Benjamin. I am sure of that," I said smiling.

  "You will see, Katherine," he murmured. "Things will be right once more. I promise you peace and kindness."

  I knew in my heart as I looked at Benjamin that God would choose correctly. He had been a lost sheep. He had endured the trials of fire, and now, standing before me, he was a better man for it. Afraid to fail, worried he would falter. Educated in the ways of loss and suffering.

  That made him more a man of God than his father was. He strived to live better, more honestly and more faithfully. What made me most proud was that Ezekiel and those who mattered had seen it, too.

  Things would be better.

  Our world would be better.

  CHAPTER 12

  Days moved on, with the fall deepening with each sunrise. Each new day greeted me with the familiar forms of Nathan and Benjamin walking down the hill in the predawn. The autumn, with its chilly winds and resting soil, brought with it new beginnings when the rest of the world settled in to rest. With each step toward winter, a new joy could be found.

  Today, that joy would be Emma’s wedding day. .

  "We could have waited a few weeks, Katherine. Then you and I would both be wed on the same day. It would have been something special for us," Emma said in the early dawn.

  I yawned and shook my head to try to wake up. It was difficult this morning; Emma had tossed and turned all night.

  "This is your day, Emma," I explained for the tenth time. "We have time."

  The truth was, the days were coming faster and faster. Perhaps with the sun going down a little earlier and with less time to spend with Nathan, I simply felt that it was going faster.

  Sooner than I could imagine, Nathan and I would have our last baptism class, and the Council would meet to discuss not just changes in the Ordnung, but whether I would be allowed to join the community. And maybe even the choosing of a new Bishop. Just a couple of weeks now and everything could change.

  For better or worse.

  I sat on the bed, Emma in front of me as I brushed her hair and pinned it up to look fuller than it was. It had grown out well, but was still short compared to other girls our age. It seemed like just a few weeks had passed since I had run away, only to discover my true home in this world. I smiled and pinned Emma's hair deftly, having learned so much in the few months I had lived with the Bergers.

  How had I lived before this?

  In fear, and in denial.

  My smile faltered as I thought back on my life before that fateful buggy ride. Sean had always smothered me and made me feel insignificant. My dad had never supported me.

  Escaping that life was the greatest achievement of my life so far.

  So far.

  I had my entire life ahead of me now.

  I would forget about Sean Miller.

  Forget about my old life.

  I would conquer my nightmares of being trapped in the corn, always running from Sean.

  He was my past.

  My past could not hurt me anymore.

  I hoped.

  "What are you thinking about?"

  My smile picked up and I resumed pinning Emma’s hair, having not realized I had stopped.

  "I was thinking about how beautiful you are going to look standing there beside John when you are presented to us today. And how I can't wait for that day myself," I whispered and leaned in to offer her a little hug.

  She turned and grinned at me, her eyes filling up with tears.

  "I am only sorry I will not be able to be here with you tonight!" she said and I laughed hard.

  "I think you'll be happy where you are sleeping tonight, Emma," I retorted, watching her face brighten.

  "It will be strange to be there instead of here," she murmured, suddenly a little forlorn.

  I leaned around to see her face fully.

  "John is excited to take you into his home, and his father seems excited to welcome you. We'll be fine," I replied, and hugged her again.

  “I can milk the cows and get the eggs!” Abigail stated, acting much more mature than I had ever seen her.

  “And the washing and the cooking, and the mending?” Emma teased.

  “Mother will still cook. And I am still a better seamstress than Katherine,” Abigail argued.

  I nodded and laughed.

  Perhaps Abigail would do well without all of us.

  "I am sure we'll manage, Emma. Who knows, maybe Fannie and Jonah will discover what they have missed all those years with a full house," I replied and giggled with them when we both thought about Fannie and Jonah being romantic again.

  Not that they didn't now.

  You heard a lot of things when you couldn't sleep.

  But somehow I wasn't disgusted by the idea of my adoptive parents being intimate; it just made the idea of growing older with Nathan more alluring. The Amish seemed very amorous with their spouses. At least Fannie and Jonah were, and I somehow knew that Nathan fashioned himself after the likes of Jonah.

  I couldn't wait for that with Nathan. If I would be allowed, that is.

  I sighed and pulled away from Emma, smiling at how much her hair had grown in the last few months to afford her a simple bun under her cover.

  "You are beautiful," I whispered. "John won't know what hit him."

  Today was going to be a magical day.

  I stayed with Emma until it was time to let her and John speak their vows privately with the Bishop, anxiously waiting with Abigail and Naomi Yoder on a bench as Zachariah Ropp led the congregation in song. Nathan sat with Mark near the front of the room, glancing back toward
me once in a while to sneak a smile before turning back to listen to the young Bishop’s words.

  It seemed like an hour before Bishop Yoder returned, Fannie and Jonah slipping onto their benches quietly. I could tell Fannie had been crying and I felt a moment’s contentment when she leaned in and squeezed my hand. We all turned in our seats to see the newly married couple when the Bishop announced them. Emma held John’s hand like it would disappear if she let go, and John grinned from ear to ear, nodding in acknowledgement of the quiet blessings offered them as they entered.

  The Bishop presented them to the room, and a final song of marriage and duty to one’s community echoed throughout the room. It didn’t escape my attention that we sung about how many children would be a blessing. I hid my smile when I noticed Nathan glancing my way with his pink tipped ears. It was the Bishop’s pursed lips as he eyed me that made Nathan turn his head away, his face matching his ears.

  Bishop Yoder glanced my way, a smug look on his face as he walked past.

  “He is trying to intimidate us,” Nathan whispered near me as we claimed our plates for the meal.

  “It’s working,” I whispered back.

  “Only if you let it.”

  I forced a smile on my face and tried to put Nathan at ease, but I knew what the Bishop had said to me. There was no way he would ever allow me to join. It would take an overwhelming vote of the community to allow me to commit to this life.

  “His opinion of you will not sway everyone,” Nathan said as we sat at the table with the Bergers.

  “There are many who would see you a happily married Amish woman,” Fannie added. “Everyone who has met you has seen your kind heart.”

  “Do not fret, Katherine,” Jonah said. “When we meet at Council, it will all be decided. You will see.”

  Jonah’s words didn’t ease me. Especially when he didn’t explain himself.

  It wasn’t until I was alone with Nathan late that afternoon that I expressed my concerns openly.

  “What happens if they deny me?” I whispered into his chest as he held me.

  “It will not happen,” he maintained.

  I looked up into his eyes and saw the determination there.