Renewing Hope (In Your World #2)

by Jennyfer Browne

  “They will think that all I bring here is violence every time something from my old life comes back,” I whispered. “They have to be upset that Sean is loose.”

  “Jonah and Ezekiel will speak for you, do not worry,” he soothed. “We have one last class and then it is a matter of choosing.”

  He offered me a chaste kiss, groaning when he moved to step away.

  “Only a few more weeks and then it will be our turn to marry,” he murmured and deepened the kiss. “I cannot wait for that day.”

  “Me too,” I murmured and put aside thoughts of being denied.

  He pulled me along, away from the house and toward his hill.

  "Where are we going?" I asked.

  "There is a little place across from my home that I wanted to show you. It is not far. And we have a little while before the sun dips too low," he explained and pulled me a little closer when the house fell away behind his hill.

  We walked in silence, the air full of the smell of late autumn, with its dried plants and crispness of the waning afternoon. I wrapped my shawl a little tighter to keep out the cold breeze.

  "Are you cold?" he asked.

  "A little. I get cold easily," I replied, wondering how I would stay warm in such a cold place during the winter.

  "Nathan, how do you keep the house warm all winter?" I asked, hoping for central heat but knowing that probably didn't exist.

  "We have a furnace, and the fireplace in the front room. We close the registers in the rooms we do not use, but it does get a little chilly, especially at night," he explained and then chuckled.

  "What?" I asked, smiling at his continued good mood.

  He laughed a little louder and tugged on my hand, pulling me closer still.

  "It will mean we will have to remain very close to one another at night," he said, grinning down at me.

  "I think I'll like winters here," I replied happily.

  We came upon an old gazebo, long abandoned along with the land that grew wild around it. Nathan helped me up the steps and brushed off the long bench that looked to have withstood the neglect. Sitting, I was able to look around and take in the vines that grew up around the sides of the gazebo.

  It looked like something out of a romance novel. Perhaps a gothic romance novel with the tattered beams and floorboards, but the air seemed to have a special energy as we sat there. It was private and closed in and quiet, surrounded by a thick bramble of bushes, still dense even without the leaves.

  "Do you like it?" he whispered and leaned in to let his lips brush against my temple.

  "It's lovely. I didn't even know it was here," I breathed, closing my eyes for a moment to imagine the bushes full of flowers and the warm breeze in summer.

  "It is overlooked and private," he murmured, letting his hand slide up my arm until it cupped my cheek, drawing me to his lips.

  He let his lips move against mine with such ease; it was as if he had always known how to kiss me, that there had never been reservations. Every kiss reaffirmed that we were made for one another. I felt his hands move along my back, drawing me closer as his kiss deepened. Having him pressed against me was the most amazing feeling ever, warm and safe. He sighed and broke off the kiss, burying his head into my shoulder as he held me tight. My fingers found their way to the nape of his neck, playing with his hair there. Nathan groaned and nuzzled a little deeper into my neck, the heat of his breath causing me to shiver.

  "I cannot bear to let you go just yet," he whispered. "I continue to count down the days until you will be mine wholly."

  If I hadn't been worked up already by his kiss, his words would certainly do me in.

  "A touch to last forever, a smile to get me through the day," I whispered.

  He pulled away to grin at me, his eyes sparkling as he took me in.

  "You are quoting me now?" he asked, amused.

  "It's my favorite so far. I read it every night," I murmured, his poem forever etched in my mind from the number of times it calmed me from missing him at night.

  He kissed me gently on the forehead, his lips brushing along my skin as he whispered.

  "I must refrain

  I must do well by you

  I must be the man you need

  But I wish so much more.

  I will keep you in my thoughts

  I will not act on impulse

  I will treat you as you deserve

  But I wish so much more.

  So I will remember those brief moments

  And let them carry me through.

  Because you give so much

  I wish to give you so much more.

  A touch to last forever

  A smile to get me through the day

  A kiss to seal my fate with you.

  My heart beats for you.

  My Kate."

  His lips had trailed down my cheek, his final words against my lips before he captured them once more, a little more insistent than before. I was at his mercy; his words from his mouth had rendered me breathless and I melted in his arms.

  For someone who had never pursued girls, he was amazing at wooing a woman. His body and his mouth expressed to me just how much I mattered as we sat in the gazebo, kissing and whispering to one another until the sun began to set, signaling it was time to re-emerge from our hideaway.

  With his hand in mine, we walked back to the Berger’s farm, just in time to see Emma and John off. Emma ran toward me when she noticed us walk up, her eyes full of happy tears.

  "I am going to miss you," she whimpered into my ear, holding me tight.

  "I won't be far away, Emma," I chuckled and hugged her back.

  She pulled away from me and looked up into my eyes, her own serious for a moment.

  "Whom will I tell my private thoughts to in the middle of the night?" she whispered.

  I chuckled and shook my head.

  "I think that job belongs to John now," I replied, watching out the corner of my eye as John's smiled widened at our interchange.

  "Whom will you talk to about Nathan?" she asked, a hint of a smile on her face at my blush.

  John cleared his throat and stepped close, wrapping his arm around his new wife.

  "I think she will be fine in that regard. Soon she will not have to whisper about him, but to him," he replied, winking at Nathan who stood just behind me.

  "Well, that is still a few weeks hence. We will manage," Jonah chimed in, causing me to blush at his knowing smile.

  I was beginning to think Jonah had a mischievous side to him.

  Emma hugged us once more before climbing up into John's buggy. Her trunk of clothes was settled on the back of the open buggy, a clear reminder that tonight would be a new beginning for them both, and I would have the bed to myself. It was a weird feeling. I had grown used to Emma sleeping in the bed with me for almost two months. Abigail squirmed in her sleep, so I hoped she stayed in her own bed.

  And hopefully in less than a month, I would share Nathan’s bed.

  It got cold at night alone.

  I said goodnight to Nathan and watched him walk up the hill alone, Benjamin having left earlier in the evening. He glanced back once and waved, his smile visible in the waning light. And then he disappeared behind his hill, leaving me alone on the porch to look out over the darkening fields. It was a moonless night, and the cold was quick to bite through my clothes as I stood there, arms wrapped around myself as if to capture some of Nathan's warmth from earlier.

  The cold air won out, sending me inside to help finish the dishes with Fannie. She yawned and rolled her neck a few times before she finally let out a long sigh and patted me on the shoulder.

  "It has been a long day. We can finish the rest in the morning. Come, my daughters, let us get some rest. Tomorrow will be a new day," she murmured and turned from the sink.

  I put the rest of my dishes into the water to soak and followed her upstairs, Jonah following along behind us. When I reached my bedroom, I turned to Fannie and hugged her, feeling her arms hold o
nto me a little tighter.

  "Thank you for allowing me into your home. And for allowing me to see what true Amish kindness is. I love you," I whispered, those words not so awkward and unfamiliar when spoken to Fannie.

  "I love you too, Katherine," she murmured and held on to me for a moment longer.

  When she pulled away her eyes were wet and her nose a little red.

  "I am happy that you found your way, but will be so sad when you leave us, even if it is only over the hill," she said, and wiped at her eyes discreetly.

  "I'll always be here for whatever you need, Fannie. Even milking the cows at predawn," I replied, and laughed when she did.

  "Let us hope Nathan takes his cows home when he takes you. I do not want to have to milk a dozen cows on my own!" she retorted.

  She hugged me once more and let me go, letting me slip into my room that I now only shared with little Abigail, who was already asleep in her own bed. I slipped out of my dress and hung it up on the hooks by the door, and laid my cover down on the bare dresser. Gone were Emma's few trinkets, her brush and her pins.

  She had started her own life just as Hannah had started hers. And soon, it would be the same for me. The bed was cold without Emma beside me. And no matter how I tried, I couldn't venture over onto her side. In the darkness, I heard Abigail move, my bed jostling slightly as she slipped under the covers with me. I smiled into the dark when she scooted up against me, her warmth more than welcome.

  I drifted off to sleep, images of another bedroom in my mind.

  One that would soon belong to Nathan and me.

  I hoped.

  CHAPTER 13

  “Marriage is the sacred union between a God-loving Amish man and his obedient and Amish wife.”

  Bishop Yoder had chosen the subject of marriage as our final baptism class.

  With a smug look on his face as he regarded me the entire time.

  Most of what he had to say Bishop Ropp had covered weeks ago, in the same authoritative manner that made my spine straighten and my mouth remain shut.

  Obey.

  Serve.

  Provide.

  Being a wife of an Amish man in Bishop Yoder’s terms sounded more like swearing in as a law enforcement official.

  He never mentioned love, or partnership, or even the fact that the word union in its truest form meant to make as one.

  One spirit.

  One mind.

  One body.

  One heart.

  Never that.

  “A good Amish woman will bear many children for her husband so that the community can thrive and grow with a pure Amish spirit. Her husband will provide for his large family with humility and perseverance. Never will he stray from his duty to exemplify the true Amish spirit, and honor God’s will.”

  I sat quietly and listened.

  I didn’t pay attention to Naomi while she squirmed in her chair beside me, nor at Nathan’s red ears when the mention of many children entered the lecture time and again.

  “An Amish woman will sacrifice much for her husband. She will keep a tidy home. She will discipline her many children as God sees fit. She will do as her husband commands.”

  I remained still in my seat, my mouth shut.

  I didn’t offer examples from the Book about how a wife would be the husband’s rock. How the husband would honor his wife as he would be so honored.

  That the husband would please his wife, as she would do for him.

  I knew in my heart how Nathan felt.

  Marriage was not a step into servitude.

  It was a partnership.

  There would be love.

  There would be honor between us both.

  “Katherine Hill,” the Bishop said, drawing my eyes up. “Are you prepared to live as God intends? To serve your husband as he so wishes? To provide him with the means to provide and serve God and his community?”

  All the loaded unstated requirements were not lost on me.

  “I am prepared and willing to do as my husband wishes, and as the community requires,” I replied, tempering my voice to be the soft and timid woman that the Bishop assumed I wasn’t.

  He pursed his lips at me and continued his interrogation.

  “You would supply him with many children, without the benefit of your English medicine to mask the pain God has prescribed?”

  “I would provide as He wills,” I replied. “With humility and honor.”

  One last look and then he was interrogating his daughter.

  Similar questions, but less severe.

  Nathan chanced a glance my way and a hint of a smile creeped across his lips.

  In his eyes, I had successfully answered the Bishop’s questions.

  In mine, I simply saw another round of ways to accuse me.

  “Should you choose the Way, your life must follow with the laws or the Ordnung,” the Bishop continued. “You will live an honest and humble Amish life. You will not allow the blight of the English life into your home. You will live by God’s law and you will honor the Amish life.”

  He glanced at me once more and that smug smile returned.

  “Should you choose and we accept.”

  I held his gaze, my face passive while he scrutinized me.

  A long moment passed, a silent face-off between the two of us, until a noise from the kitchen drew the Bishop’s attention.

  A woman’s laughter.

  Somewhere deep in the Bishop’s eyes, a warming flickered at the sound, until his face blanketed once more into that cold mask of disapproval when we heard Benjamin’s voice alongside the laughter. I assumed it was the Bishop’s wife, and that Benjamin had come to visit.

  Clearing his throat, the Bishop stood, looking at each of us with a measured look.

  “To be Amish is to follow His word and live humbly. This is how we live. You have the option to turn from our ways, but only now. Once you have chosen the path, you are Amish for life. There is no going back to the world of sin,” he stated, his lips turning up slightly in a sneer at the last.

  “This concludes our baptismal classes. Should you choose to follow the path, your baptism will occur at the next Sermon,” he said and stared at me, eyes narrowing. “After the Council meets.”

  With that he turned and left the room, the laughter faltering when we heard him enter the kitchen. A few garbled words were spoken and soon we heard the door close to outside, the house falling silent. Naomi rose and quietly excused herself, following after her father and leaving me in the room alone with Nathan. I was preparing to stand when we heard footsteps in the hall and turned to find a frustrated Benjamin in the doorway.

  “Class is over then?” he said, his brow tightly knit.

  “Yes, he just finished,” Nathan replied and stood, taking my hand to help me up.

  “Congratulations,” Benjamin said and offered a small smile toward me.

  Based on his somber expression, I had a feeling I knew the interchange he and the Bishop must have had. I knew it would be a long road to walk for both himself and his father before forgiveness was had. For a moment, my own worry about joining had nothing on Benjamin’s trial.

  As we made our way out, the Bishop’s wife intercepted us.

  “Please, stay for supper,” she asked, her eyes hopeful.

  Benjamin swallowed and glanced toward the barn where his father was emerging.

  “I am not sure that would be wise, Mother,” he started, only to have her wave her hand dismissing his excuse.

  “Nonsense,” she rebuffed. “It is not only you whom I wish to spend time with. As Bishop’s wife, I would like to spend time with Katherine Hill.”

  My eyes widened at her comment and I hesitated in following her before she took my hand and led me back inside. Glancing back at Nathan and Benjamin, I could see their shock as well. Mrs. Yoder simply continued talking as if we had agreed to stay.

  I supposed I couldn’t deny the Bishop’s wife when my place in the Amish community depended on it. I followed her into
the kitchen, Naomi grinning when she noticed me in the room.

  “I knew Mother could convince you to stay!” she exclaimed. “Come help me with the vegetables while the men talk outside!”

  I turned to notice that Nathan and Benjamin had not followed us in. Looking around, it was just Mrs. Yoder, Naomi, and myself. Nervous, I prepared for a new interrogation of sorts. I laid on a smile and rinsed my hands in the sink, turning to busy myself with a task. Mrs. Yoder moved to the oven and pulled out a roast, chatting as she did so.

  It was good to see her up and around, when only a few weeks prior she had been on her deathbed.

  “Naomi tells me that the classes went well. She is eager to announce her betrothal to Bishop Ropp,” Mrs. Yoder chirped from the table.

  I turned to Naomi in surprise and noticed her blush.

  “I didn’t know,” I said and returned her embarrassed smile. “Congratulations.”

  Naomi shrugged.

  “We are to be married a few weeks after my baptism.”

  I nodded and hoped that the conversation would switch to mundane things such as baking or mending, but of course this was the only chance the Bishop’s wife might have to question me.

  “And you, Katherine Hill,” she said. “Have you met a good Amish man yet?”

  I stammered and struggled to say something, unsure if I should incriminate Nathan so soon.

  “Mother,” Naomi whined. “Everyone knows that Nathan Fisher has her heart and she his.”

  Her mother’s eyes widened and she looked away suddenly, chuckling to herself.

  I glanced at Naomi but she just shrugged again.

  “I just thought,” the Bishop’s wife began and then shook her head. “Between my husband’s disdain for you and the way you have helped Benjamin, I thought perhaps my son had taken an interest.”

  I openly gaped at the Bishop’s wife for a moment before I could come to my senses.

  “Benjamin is a friend,” I said, my words a little stuttered.

  She waved her hand at me and nodded.

  “Probably for the best,” she said and offered me a sympathetic smile. “Your past would not have garnered fair judgment from my husband should you wish to wed my son.”

  I stood there frozen at her words.