Invisible Tears

by Abigail Lawrence

  We pulled up outside dad’s council house. I couldn’t call it home anymore and it didn’t feel like my home. I hadn’t lived there in over a year. I looked up at my bedroom window and smiled while I remembered climbing out of it to go out with my mates. Although I was a cow, I had to admit, I had guts, or was it stupidity? Or maybe in hind-sight, it was self-destruction.

  In a way they didn’t feel like my family anymore. Alex seemed a stranger to me now. Once upon a time we were so close. Maybe we were close when he needed me, but as soon as he didn’t and wasn’t getting beat up anymore, I was redundant. He might not have needed me now, but I needed him, and I despised him deep down for abandoning me. Wow, dad had married Maggie. Where do I fit into this family? Will I ever fit?

  Chapter 29

  “No way, absolutely No Way!” I heard the voices outside. Alex had gone out to meet dad and Maggie at the car to warn them of my arrival. Alex made me promise not to tell them he had fetched me home. I can’t believe I’m covering for him again, so HE doesn’t get in trouble. What could I say though? He had just rescued me in my time of need, eh?

  The voices faded as I sank into a whirlpool of self pity. I stood in my room and looked in the mirror as a dark veil fell over me. In the depths of depression, I started to cry. Tears of indignation poured down my face. I never cry! What’s the hell’s the matter with me? I don’t even know who I am! Who is that person with the shitty tears and dripping mascara? I stared into my own eyes and looked deeply into the reflection of my soul. It scared me. I look like a ghost! All the scars and imperfections from the life I had lived accented my mental scars and pulled me down hard. I look like a deadbeat drug addict, raked out of the gutter and hung out to dry.

  What have I become? A nobody? I have nothing to prove I’m a somebody. No trophies, no ribbons, no awards, nothing really to make me proud. I got nothing but bad memories and a chequered past.

  I tried to smile through the tears at that old, familiar feeling of trying to compete with Alex. He was always brighter than me at school, sly at home too. Let’s face it, he must be the clever one, to get me to take the blame for him all the time. I’ll never be a somebody like Alex. I’ll never be good enough. It seems I spent all my time and energy digging a hole for myself that, maybe, I should just climb into and go to sleep.

  I started to sob as sour thoughts took over my being. Sometimes it feels as if I’m suffocating, slowly numbing to the pain. I can see the beauty in this life when others can’t. I mean I love everything to do with nature, but I end up destroying it. In the end it just makes me want to scream because I know, I know life will slip away. I can stand in the rain, feeling every single drop hitting my skin. I feel it, deep inside my heart, mourning every lost accomplishment, every failed goal and every withered friendship. I feel it and it’s coming again, raining on me like a cloudburst.

  What have I become? What have I always been? Why does no one want me? Is there any way out? So many questions, but never any answers.

  Everyone has slipped from my grasp, those who were once my friends, or perhaps never were. I should have never made a single friend, because every person I met eventually deserted me. They may have promised not to hurt me, but they always did and I hurt them back. Always!

  I was staring at myself crying like a child. I hate me! I put on weight, my hair needs a cut and my skin looks like hell warmed over. I turned away from the mirror in disgust. I used to take so much pride in how I looked. I glanced in the mirror again. If I don’t like what I see, how can anyone else like me? But, is that truly me? That witch? I honestly don’t know.

  I looked at my reflection again, wondering why everyone wanted to leave home when they got older. What’s the point of going off in the world anyway? What am I trying to achieve? Happiness? It doesn’t last, nothing does. I’ve proven that, not even love. Love never lasts. And all those friends you make along the way. They’ll eventually ignore you, and then they will just fade away, they always do. Most of the time you don’t even see it coming. But in the end you know. I learnt a major lesson or two a long time before I reached 16. Everyone goes away in the end!

  And I know why? Out of all things, I finally understand. It’s because they can’t stand being around me. I don’t blame them. Why would they? Look at me! I don’t even feel alive. It has to be because of that, there is no other reason. I am disgusting.

  I heaved in despair and wiped my eyes with the back of my hands. I started to gather my things. I don’t know where I will go. I don’t know where I will go. I don’t know where I will go, like a broken record. “Maggie please let me stay!” I pleaded with her in my head. I don’t dislike Maggie, although I know she dislikes me. What am I thinking? I don’t stand a chance. Why on earth did I think about coming back here anyway?

  “Abbie, you’d better get yourself down here,” dad shouted up the stairs.

  I had a rush of adrenaline, panic ran right through me. All the time I wasn’t called I could hide in my room. It still looked the same, the same cream wallpaper, my posters on the wall of The Jam and Paul Weller. My record collection was still on the side and my row of Enid Blyton books sat on the chest-of-drawers unopened since last year. It was the same carpet, pale green with cream swirls. It was my room and I didn’t want to leave it. This IS my home! I stood up and looked around my room and picked up my bag just as dad shouted at me again.

  “I’m coming, be there in a tick,” I called down. I walked out of my room and made my way downstairs, adrenaline rushing through my body. I could feel my hands tremble. Alex looked at me and shrugged his shoulders before grabbing his keys and walking out the door. I walked through the living room and followed him.

  “Where are you going?” Maggie said sarcastically.

  “What’s the point?” I replied. “I didn’t come here to argue.”

  “Why did you come here then?” dad chirped in.

  “Because I have nowhere else to go. This is my family.” I looked them both in the eyes, and they looked at each other. I could feel my eyes burning but I wasn’t going to cry again. Either they wanted me there or they didn’t, there was no point crying about it.

  “Come and sit down, let’s talk,” dad said.

  “Oh! Congratulations on getting married. Did you have a nice dress Maggie?”

  “Thank you, and yes I did. I wore a lovely suit, but there’s plenty of time for you to see the photos. Right, on to the RULES!”

  “Rules?” I questioned, taking a deep breath, sighing out loud.

  “If you’re staying there has to be rules. We don’t want none of the crap you used to give us young lady, no violence, no stealing and no running away,” dad said.

  I couldn’t believe my ears. I could stay? I was over the moon. I would have agreed to anything. I didn’t for the life of me think it would be that easy to move back home. I would have done it months ago had I known. It was weird though. I couldn’t figure why Maggie agreed to have me back. I could still feel the tension when I was around her. I think she hated me ever since I was 11. Our relationship was tenuous, but I was home. I’m home, I’m home, I’m home!

  * * *

  The days went quickly. Maggie notified the school that I would be back to sit my exams. She thought that if I took them, an F grade would be better than a U, so I went along. I was never comfortable though. I felt like she was always waiting for me to trip up. I walked on eggshells. I felt she wanted me to make a mistake so she could throw me out. I had been to the precipice and looked over the edge. I didn’t want to go there again, so I swore I would follow the straight and narrow.

  I arrived at school according to the time table for exams. A lot of kids gave me funny looks like I had no right to be there. They had to be at school day in and day out to be able to take exams, and I had taken the year off, out raising hell.

  The school hall was set up in rows of seats, a large clock on the wall in front ticked away the 45 minutes allowed for the paper. I did my best but science was never really my strong p
oint.

  I attended every exam. Maggie personally drove me to school to make sure I did. Some of the time I just sat and gazed out of the window, not thinking about anything really, just drifting off to some place foreign. I would wonder about Molly and the others and what they were up to. I hadn’t seen them in such a long time. I bet I could walk past them in the street and not recognise Daniel or Debbie. I hadn’t seen them for nearly six years. Molly had said they didn’t want to see us because they were jealous of our lives. Jealous? Huh! If only they knew. I didn’t think they would want my life for a second. One day I will see them again and tell them, but for now I have to sort myself out. I was going to do my best to turn things around.

  I still struggled with drink and drugs even though they had no idea. I thought Maggie had guessed one day when I had taken a pill and drifted off while in the bath with the bath water running hot. I severely burnt my leg. I had to have melamine dressings changed for weeks after that but I still didn’t get found out. That is until Maggie came home from work to find me paralytic on the couch. I think she thought I had a bad stomach bug at first until she smelt my breath. It was a close call, but Maggie let it go. I think she was more amused at how ill I had made myself and figured that I had taught myself a lesson. I had, if I wanted any chance of a family I had to stop.

  I didn’t drink again.

  Chapter 30

  I tried hard to keep my side of the bargain. I attended school to do my exams, I did my best to be in on curfew and I didn’t steal anything, well apart from the odd ciggie. I tried to conform to the rules, even though at times I could have so easily walked out.

  I hunted for a job but couldn’t find one. Although there were a few riding schools nearby, none of them were looking to hire, not at a training level anyway. I was forced to join a Youth Training Scheme--YOP. They were the rage at the time. The only placement I could get was at Woolworths where I earned £25 a week. Not a lot of money really, even back then, but at least it bought me some cigarettes. Often dad would give me a packet, but if he didn’t I’d pinch them, always hoping he wouldn’t find out. I thought the job would tide me over until something better came along, but I hated it. I hated wearing the red and white striped uniform. I was often late but they didn’t say much, probably because I was cheap labour. My manager was horrible too. She thought she had a god given right to speak to everyone like they were a piece of dirt. If anyone needs a smacking, it’s her!

  To be honest I thought I was far better. I shouldn’t be working in a shop, I should be outdoors working with horses. Why did I have to lose my temper at the yard? I had the job I wanted and tossed it. I got fed up with tidying the magazine rack. I gazed out of the shop window and saw a familiar face. Adam? Oh my god! Shit! I can’t believe it.

  I ducked quickly behind the shoe rail. How did he find me? Oh hell! Now what do I do? I told my manager that I felt ill and asked if I could go home. After grabbing my bag and coat, I snuck outside and attempted to hide among the people in the town centre. I failed miserably. I think all I managed to achieve was making a pretty good fool of myself trying to get away. As Adam’s scooter revved up, I knew there was no point, so I turned to face him.

  “What don’t you understand about the word ‘No’?” I scolded then turned and marched away.

  “I need to talk to you Abbie,” he called after me, pushing his scooter alongside.

  “There’s nothing to say. I have nothing to say. I told you we’re finished.”

  “I won’t let you go Abbie, ever,” he sounded weird.

  “Well you have a bloody long wait then, haven’t you?” I tried to be as cold as ice. I found it easy to be nasty to him. Anyone watching would’ve thought I was a right bitch and they would’ve been correct. I didn’t want him anymore. He had his uses and they were no longer needed.

  Who told him where I worked? I asked myself. I’m going to flip if it’s Alex! I fumed away silently.

  I caught my bus home, constantly looking out of the window with a nervous eye. He followed the bus. I started to feel scared, so I planned to not mess around, but get straight home and let Alex sort him out. When I got off of the bus I looked around for the scooter but no one was around. Thank gaud for that! I whispered, Who does he think he is?

  I marched up the road to home and rounded the corner stopping in my tracks. He was standing there, outside our house. Must’ve known the shortcut, I thought, Shit! I ducked back around the corner and ran to the back of the houses. I climbed the fence and crept through our neighbour’s gardens to the back ally which led to our house. I snuck in through the back door. I peered outside and saw him looking for me. I looked around for Alex but no one was home.

  ”Just great,” I said out loud as I plopped down on the stairs, thumping the steps in frustration. I was trapped in my own home. If I went into the kitchen he would see me. If I went in my room he would see me there too. I was stuck in the back half of the house until somebody came home.

  Looking around the edge of the curtain, I could see him perched on his scooter fiddling with his pockets and messing with his hair. Every now and then he glanced down the road. He’ll figure out soon something is wrong, I thought. It wouldn’t take this long to walk home from the bus stop. He must have read my mind. He put on his crash helmet, hopped on his scooter and raced off. I ran downstairs, wrote a note and stuck it on the inside porch door, in plain view so anyone could see. TELL ADAM, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE HIM EVER AGAIN! I couldn’t be any clearer than that, surely. What does it take to get through to him? I sat on my bed wondering what to do if he came back? I decided to wait until Alex returned, then tell Adam to his face, again! Alex would back me up.

  Maggie arrived home shortly after I had written the note. “What’s this all about?” She shouted up the stairs.

  I had no option but to tell her he was being a pain and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was being stalked.

  “Well you do pick them,” she said in her usual, “I told you so” voice.

  “Pick what?” I instantly felt the hackles go up, it didn’t take much. Maggie knew which buttons to press.

  “Those wastes of space you hang round with, trouble makers the lot of them.”

  “Do you want to pick my next one then? Seeing as you’re so good at it. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you is it?” I slammed the door behind me and sat on the stairs.

  For a minute I thought, What did I say? I can’t afford to be homeless. But on the other hand, does that mean I should never say what I feel? I was unsure as I walked back into the kitchen. Maggie had her back to me, feeding the cat. Domino was rubbing himself in and out of her legs, meowing his head off and acting like he was starving. We both giggled at the same time.

  “Daft cat,” Maggie said, putting his bowl on the floor.

  “I’m sorry.” I don’t know where it came from, but there it was, probably the first apology of my life. Maggie tried to hide it but I could see a glimpse of shock in her expression. I quickly carried on talking to not allow her to savour the moment. “If he knocks on the door, can you tell him I’m not interested, please? I think Alex told him where I worked. He’s been stalking me there. That’s why I’m home early.” For the first time ever, I managed to calm myself down.

  “Ah! I see now,” she nodded. “Now it makes sense. Don’t worry I’ll get rid of him,” she assured me.

  He didn’t come back. I don’t know if it was because he saw Maggie come home or if he finally got the picture. I had a couple hours or so to get ready for the “School leavers” disco. I can’t say I was really excited, but a couple of girls in my year had asked me to go. I have nothing else to do tonight, so why not?

  I pulled out my Dogtooth check miniskirt. It had a drop-waist and was very kind to my figure. I had started to lose a bit of weight now that Maggie was feeding me properly, and I wasn’t eating all the junk food. I wore my black knee-length boots. They were the most comfortable ones I owned, bearing in mind I had a bit of a long trek up the huge hill
to get to the school. Then I slipped on my fishnet stockings to finish off. After back-combing my hair and spraying half a can of hairspray to keep it in place, I looked in the mirror and surveyed the result, giving myself a twirl. Ugh huh! I don’t believe it, I look good! I had my makeup done, nothing new, just the same old eyeliner. Glancing at the girl in the mirror, I said, “You’ll pass!” I bounced downstairs and ran into Alex.

  “On the way out, are you Sis?”

  “Off to the school disco.”

  “Wow, living it large then!”

  “Better than stuck in ‘ere with you.”

  He laughed then shrugged, marched off and slammed the door. A Town Called Malice by The Jam blasted out of his room. We wouldn’t see him again tonight. He liked to hide away up there. I heard Maggie tell dad he was still wetting the bed.

  Walking up the hill, I had a strange feeling I was being followed. Trees either side of the concrete steps were moving in the wind. It’s funny what you can imagine when you’re on your own. My entire senses where on high alert. I couldn’t hear anything much, I couldn’t see anything, no footsteps behind me. All the same, the eerie feeling was there, so I quickened my pace. My heart was pounding. It was a hard enough hill as it was, never mind practically running up it, looking over my shoulder the whole way. You’re just being daft, I thought. I could hear some girls giggling further up the hill. I knew I was almost there, almost up to where the street lights began.

  I heard a cough not far behind. I knew it! I knew there was someone there. I ran the rest of the way, not daring to look behind. As I reached the top a few girls were hanging around the railings smoking and giggling. I tried not to look flustered but I guess they read straight through me. They didn’t say anything but the silence and staring down the hill spoke volumes. I knew there was someone behind me, I’d sensed it, but I questioned whether or not I was over-reacting to the darkness of the night sky. It was spooky with the branches waving slowly in the evening breeze, creaking and groaning. I started walking faster to get away, but I heard footsteps running now. I started to panic and my heart was racing. Again I looked behind me, nothing. Maybe I was hearing things after all, relieved that I wasn’t going insane.