Invisible Tears

by Abigail Lawrence

  The thumping of the school disco could be heard in the housing estate opposite the school. The flats were a meeting point full of kids having a sneaky fag where they couldn’t be seen by anyone that might grass on them to parents. I hung around waiting for my friends. I didn’t have to wait long and they suddenly appeared.

  “Let’s do it then girls,” someone said. “Let’s go partieee!”

  Giggling, we ran over the road to the school. We all thought it was going to be full of kids, that there wasn’t going to be any male talent. We were fairly sure of that, but it beat staying at home.

  D.I.S.C.O. by Ottowan rang out. I wasn’t a lover of this type of music and this had to be the cheesiest of the lot, so I hung around near the stage where they were selling crisps and coke. I was relieved when Madness came on next. A lot of the lads got up on the dance floor, dressed in two tone suits or Harrington jackets and straight jeans or Chino’s. They pogo’d jumping into each other and sang away. It was quite amusing to watch but lethal if you wanted to join in.

  The girls I met up with were flirting with some local lads that had come into the school to see what was going on. The boys were about 19, so the girls were hoping. I went outside for a ciggie. I couldn’t bear to watch those silly girls flirt all night.

  Chapter 31

  “Please talk to me Abbie.”

  I twirled around with a sharp intake of breath. “Adam, oh my god, you scared me!”

  “Will you talk to me?”

  I knew he was serious, telling and not asking, really annoying!

  “I told you last time, there is no WE. WE are over.” I turned and started walking away when he grabbed me by the arm spinning me back to him.

  “Get the fuck off of me!” I yelled as I yanked myself away. He let go checking around to see if he had been seen. There were a few people gathering outside and they were watching and whispering. I was used to causing a scene so I ignored it, but I’m glad they were there because it gave me my opportunity to walk away without too much fuss.

  I went back inside the youth club to the disco and walked over by the stage near the Disc Jockey. Imagination’s chart song Body Talk came on next. It got lots of people up dancing, even the DJ came down onto the dance floor. As I looked around, my friends were walking out of the door with the older lads waving at me, giving me a girly giggle wave goodbye.

  Great! Now what? That’s me dumped and left alone while Adam’s outside! Just as I thought I had no hope of getting home without him following me, he walked in. I was really totally fed up now. I could feel myself starting to lose my temper and I threw him a warning look not to come near me. He edged away and stood near the tuck shop, propping the counter up. I moved to the other side of the hall where it was a little less crowded and started dancing. Yeah, I was on my own but I didn’t know what else to do, and to be fair I didn’t care.

  There was a group of girls dancing around there handbags and a few other girls dancing with boyfriends. I moved over near the DJ who was still dancing away to Imagination and smiled at him. He looked around behind himself to check it was him I was smiling at and then smiled back at me. He seemed to be shocked I would smile at him. He wasn’t the normal sort of guy I’d flirt with or dance with either. The first thing I noticed about him was how perfect his teeth were. I was always a bit conscious of mine since the accident but his were straight and white. I danced close to him for a while then he pulled me in.

  He has a bit of a nerve. Who is he anyway? He was flipping lucky I didn’t belt him one for his cheek. I had seen him around school. He had often looked at me but his tongue was out drawling when we had passed each other at school so I secretly knew that he liked me. All I knew about him was that he was in the same year.

  I felt uncomfortable dancing with him though. Mods didn’t do that sort of thing, especially in public, dancing that close and with a grebo too. A “soul head” we called them, no identity because they followed the crowd like sheep. If my friends could see me now my image would be all but done in. I committed mod suicide.

  His arms were soft but strong and warm around me, gently pulling me in. Curling closer into the snug concave of his arms, I know I sighed. I just hope he didn’t hear it. It seemed so wrong but so right, and I didn’t even know his name. For once I was happy inhaling his soft scent as I looked up into his gorgeous hazel eyes. The feelings were so real. I had never felt that way before and certainly not with a stranger. What is he doing to me? Realisation hit me of the purity of the moment, and I would treasure it forever. Even if I didn’t ever see him again, I would remember the feeling of security wrapped in his strong arms. I loved it but was scared by its speed and severity. I might never feel this again, I thought. Is this what I’ve been longing for? Does it really exist? A massive urge took over. I wanted to absorb him and keep holding on and never let go. I needed to know everything about him, because after I had felt such closeness, the world would be unbearably cold and lifeless without it.

  “My name is Abbie,” I looked up into his face searching his soul. He was about six feet tall with dark brown hair and olive skin. Perfect skin, I thought and perfect teeth.

  “I know,” he laughed, smiling at me. “Back in a tick, got to change the song.” He ran up to the stage.

  How did he know my name? I looked over and Adam was glaring at me. I could see the poison in his face. He was hurting watching me flirt away with the DJ, but did nothing, just stared.

  The DJ came back and said, “Oh, my name is Lawrie, nice to meet you.” He held out his hand.

  I grinned and offered him my hand to shake his, in a jokey kind of way.

  “Nice to meet you too.”

  We spent the evening together, laughing and dancing. I hadn’t had so much fun in years. To be able to enjoy myself without worrying whether I looked cool was a first. The hours passed quicker than ever and before I knew it, it was time to go home. I really didn’t want the night to end, it was all too magical. I had feelings rushing around my body I never knew existed. He gave me a lift home on his red 100cc Suzuki motorbike. That was a change too. I had never ridden pillion on a motorbike.

  We sat outside my house until we couldn’t take the cold anymore. I wasn’t saying much just curled up in his arms keeping warm, taking in his scent and loving every minute of the silence. It was nice not having to fill the space with words that meant nothing, just being with him was enough.

  We spent most days together for a few weeks, mostly riding around on his bike or he would come round to my place and play games on the Atari. Maggie didn’t really like him, but then she didn’t like any of my boyfriends.

  “Can you come over to mine today,” Lawrie asked on the phone. “We’ve got the flat to ourselves,” he said cheekily.

  “Oh great, are they out all day?”

  “Yup! I’ll hire a movie too, see you in awhile,” he hung up and I ran to get ready.

  When we got there his parents weren’t in, so he gave me the grand tour of his flat and then we settled on the couch where we watched a movie together. All I remember after that was waking up laying on him. I quickly got up thinking of how awkward that must have been. Wiping my mouth, did I dribble? But he didn’t say anything so we just laughed it off. I sat back down and we watched another movie holding hands.

  It was getting late in the morning but that didn’t really matter. We started to just talk after a while. Part way through a sentence he stopped and closed in on my face and kissed me. I sat there kind of expecting it and then he laughed and kissed me again. This guy’s cheeky, and I like it. I kissed him back and then we started to get a bit intense. We moved into his bedroom and onto his bed clothes flying everywhere. He ended up on top of me and he put his hand up my shirt feeling around, which led to me taking off his shirt. One by one our bits of clothing found there way to the floor. Then he asked me nicely if I wanted to have sex with him.

  “Yes!” I said. He didn’t need to ask because for the first time in my life I actually wanted it to happe
n.

  “Are you ready?” he asked.

  “As ready as I will ever be.”

  “I love you, Abbie”

  At first I thought, That was quick! But then I said, “I love you too.” I knew I loved him straight away but I was afraid to say it.

  Lawrie said he had fallen for me when I had started at the school. I hadn’t really noticed him that much, but he noticed me and admired me from a distance.

  “Are you okay, Abbie. . .are you okay?”

  “Stop asking me if I am okay,” I laughed. “I’m fine, honest.”

  He was so concerned he would hurt me, maybe because I froze, I don’t know. Although I can’t say it was amazing having sex, it felt amazing being with him. It wasn’t the sex, it was how he made me feel. After we finished we just lay there and cuddled while he told me how much he had always loved me and that whatever happened, he would always be there for me.

  Yeah, I’ve heard that before. It all sounded and felt too good to be true.

  The sound of keys in the front door brought us back to our senses a bit sharpish. In a fit of giggles we rushed around putting some clothes on before his parents came in.

  Chapter 32

  We sat there in the back row of the cinema, Lawrie snuggling up next to me. His arm was around the back of my seat and he pressed awkwardly against my leg. Busy hands, I thought. He was doing his best to grope my boobs with the one while pulling my left hand onto the bulge in his Jeans with the other.

  “We came here to watch a movie,” I snapped pushing his hand away.

  He turned his head to me and said, “Abbie, don’t you remember? I’m going away to college.”

  “Of course I remember.”

  “Well it’s February already, and I only have until April. I love you Abbie, you’re my best friend. Well actually, you’re much more than that now.”

  “How could I forget?” I mumble. I’ve been dreading this but I knew it was coming. “Yes I do remember,” I repeated.

  After a pause he looked down at his feet, his face twisted in angst. He whispered, “Well, I have some bad news.”

  What can it possibly be? I wondered. Everything negative flew through my brain, as the pessimistic me took over. Are we breaking up? It can’t be that bad ,surely? I know I’m hard work and get jealous easily but. . .I braced myself waiting for the all too familiar stab of pain.

  “I’m leaving for Sea College on the fourth.”

  The initial shock resulted in a blank stare. Sea college? No tears, no sadness, just...nothing. I was completely stunned, reeling, crushed!

  “I guess…I mean…what?” I mumbled trying to digest what I had just heard. “You’re leaving for sea? In practically two weeks?” My tone of voice ran up the scale to a very high pitch.

  “Yup.”

  “I guess it won’t be that bad,” I lied trying to hold my composure.

  I couldn’t even look him in the eye without fear of bursting into tears. Thoughts ran through my head like, Will I ever see him again? or Will things ever be the same? I finally found someone to protect me and now he’s gone. Okay, maybe he’ll come back, but how can I ever be sure? I can’t trust anyone. There was nothing I could do. I just stood up and walked out of the cinema. I had to be on my own. He tried to reason with me that night, but I had nothing to say. I was hurting too much.

  We spent a lot of time together over the next few weeks, making up for time to be lost. There was a lot of sex as we began to explore our love for each other. Before we knew it, the time had arrived.

  We met in the park and took a long walk to say our goodbyes and pledged that nothing would keep us apart. He held my hand and looked me straight in the eyes when he promised that he would not leave me, ever.

  “I believe you,” I told him wanting to believe, but feeling sick with fear and worry.

  How could it be? I knew the pain of hatred and abuse, but how could love be so painful. I hadn’t realised until he left, that love could physically hurt like a punch in the stomach. I always thought “heartache” was just some fancy pretend word made up by romance writers. Yet the separation from Lawrie tore me apart so much that my heart literally ached. I was miserable, and once again I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders.

  Sometimes I could still feel him on my lips. I would tell myself that I could put up with this small period of pain and so much more to be honest, to have him all to myself one day. As difficult as it was, I tried my very hardest to remain sane and not get jealous, but unless I heard from him every day I would panic. What if he finds someone else? What if he changes his mind? I finally found true love and the thought of losing him is unbearable. My jealousy caused arguments. What, am I trying to drive him away? Maybe my mind was thinking if I got rid of him now then it wouldn’t hurt so much later. I was confused, but I had too much time to think and, as always, struggled to deal with anything and everything to do with love.

  We wrote most days, telling each other how much we loved each other and planning after Sea school was finished. We were 16 years old and had just finished school. We tried so hard to make it work before he went away. It was difficult though because my parents weren’t keen on him, and his parents weren’t keen on me. It was like we came from different planets, and we did. I was a mod and he was into normal chart music, although he did his best to dress like a mod when he came to mod dos with me.

  I started feeling really weird and wondered if it was more of the pains of love. Every morning was the same. I would smell something from the kitchen, anything, and run to the bathroom gagging.

  “Maggie, I need to talk,” I murmured sheepishly in the kitchen. “I’ve got something to tell...”

  She cut me off, “Let me guess.” Maggie had her usual know it all look. “Let me make it easy, I’ll tell you what’s wrong.”

  I nodded, looking down at my feet, thinking, Will she kick me out?

  “You’re pregnant!” she said in her usual, sarcastic voice. She sounded cocky, “I saw it days ago.”

  “Well why didn’t you say something then,” I snapped back.

  Not once did it occur to me that my unborn child’s father might not want it. After all, he loved me. He had told me so over and over. In my naiveté, I had made myself believe that sex was love. After all, I didn’t sleep around all the time I was with Lawrie. Now I was excited about the idea of being a mum. Me? A mum!

  I wrote to Lawrie, the new father to be, expecting, well hoping for him to share my enthusiasm. I thought he would want to rush right home, scoop me in his arms, profess his undying devotion and propose to me on the spot!

  In the real world, he was a sixteen-year-old boy, getting a letter from a girl he barely knew, stating the scariest words a young man could ever hear, “I’m pregnant!” He should have been studying at Sea School and not having to worry about anything else. After all, we had only been seeing each other for a matter of weeks.

  “Are you sure?” was his first question.

  I was hurt right off. “Of course I’m sure.”

  “Are you sure it’s mine?”

  I was devastated. “Do you need to ask?”

  That question stabbed me in the heart, and it also should have been a warning. I should have known something was wrong when he had doubts. But I had always been a romantic deep inside and I wanted, no not wanted, I needed to believe his pledge. I needed to believe in love so badly that I didn’t process his doubts. To me, they were just a reaction to major news. He’ll come around. I didn’t realise though I was going to have to take on his entire family.

  “How could you know so soon? Have you done a test?”

  “No, but I just know I am.”

  How could I explain that I felt it inside? At the time I didn’t realise that it was his mother saying all of the horrible stuff and putting ideas and seeds of doubt into his head. She told him how I slept around and that the baby could be anyone’s.

  I went to the doctor to confirm what I already knew. Yes, I would be a mum. Soon the
tiny life inside would be in my arms.

  Around my fourth month of pregnancy, when my belly started to get bigger and my breasts heavier, Lawrie and I began drifting apart. His family was too strong for him. To be honest mine were just as bad, filling my head with stuff because I had told them of his doubts. I wanted them to say he loved me, but no.

  “He’s no good,” Maggie would say, “Don’t waste your time.”

  I was heartbroken. I knew he loved me, but who was I kidding? This is ME we’re talking about. Nothing is ever easy for me. What’s new?

  Chapter 33

  I don’t think it hit either of us, until I started to show. My tummy was evidence just how permanent this was. Once there was “proof,” it dawned on Lawrie’s mother that her son would be a parent with someone he neither really knew nor could truly love that quickly. I guess she felt she had to protect him. After all, he was still a kid, in her opinion.

  “It’s not yours,” his mother would say. I know he tried to fight her but he didn’t have the rebellion in him like I did. His family was secure, the same mum and dad and everybody still together. His was from a total different upbringing than mine, I mean as different as Yin and Yang!

  With a rush of hormones raging through my body, I still clung to the juvenile notion that it had to work out. We had to be a family. We had created a little life together, another little person to love, and that had to mean something to Lawrie, like it did to me. If it didn’t, then all of those carefully planned fantasies, all of those sweet little stories were lies. I really didn’t want to, no I just couldn’t believe that. I had created a perfect world in my mind, a world where there was a happy ending at the end of the rainbow, and it involved Lawrie and our unborn child.