All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  Anna didn’t move. Internally, everything shifted into boxes, compartmentalised so that shutting down was easier. The talent to do so was one Anna had always been grateful for—now more than ever.

  “Anna, I’m sorry. I wanted to try. I didn’t want to be the bitch that left you after your brother died and you got dumped with this…this huge responsibility, but I just...I can’t do this. It’s not me. And the firm...I just got promoted.”

  “I know.”

  This was a woman who hardly ever cried, and Anna could hardly look at her glazed eyes.

  “I’m—I’m sorry. Kids—I just…I can’t. I love you. But I can’t.”

  “I get it, Hayley.” The words came out harsher than Anna had intended, and Hayley moved closer. But exhaustion rolled over Anna, and the anger left as quickly as it had come.

  Hayley took another step forward. “You can be angry at me.”

  Anna almost laughed. “Thanks for the permission, Hayley. But I get it.”

  Bitterness was rising in her gut. She wanted to squash the feeling. She did get it. If she had a choice, she’d bail as well. Over three years together, plans to buy an apartment, plans to build a life, and what did it take to destroy that? A drunk driver on his phone.

  “I—”

  “Hayley. I kind of need you to go. I can’t…I fly out tomorrow night. I need to not see you before then.”

  Hayley stopped short, looking surprised, “O…Okay.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t…I don’t want this.”

  Anna nodded.

  Hayley moved forward as if to hug her.

  Automatically, Anna took a step back, arms still crossed and eyes glued to a spot over Hayley’s shoulder—anywhere but directly at her.

  Nodding, Hayley stopped. They looked at each other for a second, and then Hayley turned, grabbed her bag and keys, and walked out.

  Anna let out a long breath, falling back on the couch. Pulling her half-drunk wine towards her, she avoided looking around the room. Her brother was dead, her sister-in-law as well. Her girlfriend had left her, and she was moving the next day to a rainy city to take care of her niece and nephew, forever.

  She took a sip.

  There wasn’t enough wine in the house.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Anna couldn’t bring herself to open the door.

  Her fingers were numb with cold and her eyelids were heavy as she stood staring at the wood. After flying in late, she had come straight from the airport to her brother’s house to drop off her suitcases. All she wanted to do was sleep, and now she couldn’t even make herself go inside the house.

  Instead, she looked around the front porch. It made her choke up. She’d been here only eight weeks ago, talking with Sally on the steps while they waited for Jake to finish his shower so he could drive Anna to the airport. She and Sally had been laughing hysterically about something, and Anna really wished she could remember what it was. Staring at the step and willing herself to remember, she bit her lip but came up blank. All she could recall was that Jake had come out, shaking his head at the two of them with their wine glasses, and had scooped up Sally, throwing her over his shoulder and carrying her inside despite her shrieks of laughing protests.

  Anna shook her head and took a deep breath. If she didn’t do this now, she would never do it. The spare key was hot in her hand after being gripped so long, and she finally unlocked the door and pushed it open. Warm air washed over her and smelt like their home. Almost dizzy, Anna took a second.

  Steeling herself, she dragged one oversized suitcase and then the other up the stairs to the guest room. It was a nice room, one she had slept in many times. The walls were white, decorative touches done with anyone’s taste in mind.

  There was no way she could sleep in her brother’s room.

  She unpacked her suitcases, dreading the arrival of boxes that wouldn’t fit anywhere. It didn’t take long to put her things away, and she ended up standing in the middle of the room, slightly breathless and unsure of what to do next.

  Actually, she knew what she should do next; she just wanted to avoid it.

  Forcing herself, she wandered down the dark hallway and stood outside the master bedroom door. Repeatedly, her hand rose up to push it open, then dropped back down every time to clench at her side. Was it better for the kids to come back to it packed up and empty, or worse? Should she do something in there, or simply leave it alone for now?

  In the end, she turned and left for her parents’ house to sleep the night, unable to be in the oppressive quiet any longer.

  Groggy and disorientated, an unrecognizable sound drilled into Anna’s sleep. Blinding light pierced her eyes when she finally opened them and she slammed them shut again. She flopped over, forcing her eyes open again, and slowly focused on Ella. A book was open in her lap as she turned the pages absently. Without a word, Anna lifted up her bed sheets, and the little girl climbed in. It almost blew Anna away how hard Ella fell against her, fingers digging into her back and cold nose pressed against her neck.

  She had no idea what she was supposed to do, but maybe the kids would help her.

  They spent the day at her parents’, and only at dinner time did they all go back to the house. This time, Anna didn’t let herself hesitate, pushing the door open and entering like it was nothing—despite the clenching in her stomach.

  Her parents stayed; Sandra cooked dinner. Ella simply pushed the food all over her plate and kept looking around the dining room, pale cheeked and not speaking a word. Toby chattered, instantly comfortable and happy in the place he knew as home. Soon, Anna had mashed potato in her hair from where he’d flung it.

  At one point, Toby stopped, head cocked and a half smile on his face, staring off towards the hallway as if he’d heard a noise. “Ma?”

  They all paused and stared at him, even Ella, watching as he realised no one was coming and went intently back to his potato. It left a hollow feeling in Anna’s stomach.

  When they put the kids to bed, Ella didn’t say a word the entire time. Anna tried to stay until her niece fell asleep, but she was fairly sure Ella was faking it when she finally walked out quietly.

  Her parents let themselves out, Sandra pausing to wrap her arms around Anna. “Hayley will be out soon; that’ll help.”

  It was only then that Anna told her.

  Her mother looked ready to burst into tears, but one look at Anna’s face seemed to make her rein it in. In the car already, her father beeped the horn. Sandra wrapped her arms around Anna again and told her to call if she needed anything.

  Anna stood in the hallway, wanting to rip the door open and scream at her mother to come back and stay while Anna flew back to her life. Instead, fingers trembling slightly, she grabbed a bottle of wine that was unopened in the fridge and sat on the couch. She tried to ignore the fact that the wine was her and Sally’s favourite, one they always shared.

  The house was horribly still. And her heart was racing.

  Distantly, she wondered if she was having an anxiety attack. Her breathing was a little rapid and the trembling in her fingers had intensified. Licking her lips, Anna tried to tamp it down.

  The kids were going to stay home the next day, Friday. It had been decided that Ella would go back to school on Monday. Sandra said she’d spoken to the school counsellor, and the sooner they got Ella back into whatever normalcy they could, the better. The same day, Anna would have a meeting with Ella’s teacher and the counsellor to discuss how to keep everything as normal as possible. But what was normal?

  Kids’ toys sat in the corner of the room, a haphazard stack of Disney DVDs piled in front of the television. There was so much colour. Knees drawn up to her chest, Anna took in a deep breath and dropped her head down. Home was what she wanted, not this. She longed to be sharing wine on the couch with Hayley, then to fall into
bed and throw herself into sex and skin, not go to bed alone in her dead brother’s house with his kids sleeping down the hall.

  Something poked into her back, and she pulled the remote control out from between the cushions. Deciding against turning the television on, she dropped it on the sofa. She couldn’t blame Hayley, not at all, not really. But that didn’t mean she didn’t feel some resentment. They’d spent three years together, and she thought Hayley could at least have tried a bit harder.

  She’d done it. Her life had turned upside down, and she was trying.

  Mentally slapping herself, she stood up, put her wine glass in the sink and the bottle in the fridge. Just as she was walking up the stairs, she heard Toby give a cry. Heart pounding, she hovered and hoped he would fall back to sleep. Another cry. Steeling herself, she continued up and into his room.

  “Mama.” He gave a nonsensical cry again and then, “Da.”

  The sound almost broke her heart. She wondered how long until he’d forget, until he no longer cried for the parents who had once shown up without fail.

  Carpet soft beneath her toes, Anna padded across the room to bend over his cot. He was sitting up, his blanket pulled to his chest, brown hair mussed and little cheeks red and wet. Damp blue eyes looked at her for a minute, not recognising his aunt, only to throw his arms up when he did. She bent down and picked him up, and he nestled into her.

  Swallowing, Anna sat on the chair in the corner of the room. She leant back awkwardly and held him to her chest, smoothing the hair off his forehead and rubbing his back. Heavy and unsettled breathing echoed in Anna’s ears, and he murmured “Da” several times before he calmed down, fingers clasping rhythmically at her shirt, eyes fluttering closed.

  The chair rocked silently, and she rubbed his back, remembering her last phone conversation with her brother.

  “Toby’s still not sleeping through the night. You’re a doctor, right? Is that normal? Ella slept like a log.”

  “Jake, seriously, how many times? I’m an anaesthetist—kids cry, and I put them to sleep.”

  “Perfect! That’s what we want to happen. What drugs do I need?”

  She laughed and rolled her eyes, switching the hand she held the phone in. “Funny. I don’t know. Is he waking up screaming or just waking up?”

  “Just every few nights, waking up. I only have Ella to compare him to.”

  “I’d say it’s just a phase. Does he settle quickly?”

  “Yeah, right back down. Only that quickly for me, though. Sally now has an excuse to kick me out of bed when he cries. Kid loves his dad.”

  It was hard to keep being angry with Jake when memories like that made her feel like falling apart.

  Anna pressed her lips against the finally sleeping boy’s head. Not for the first time—and it wouldn’t be the last—she really did wonder what the hell she was doing.

  Too much TV wasn’t good for kids—Anna had read this somewhere. Nevertheless, she spent her Friday morning watching a lot of cartoons. With a job interview that afternoon, surely a little downtime would do them all some good. Her boss at her old hospital had called ahead to recommend her for the job, but Anna still had to go through the formalities.

  Plus, it was a good excuse to get out of the house.

  Her mother showed up, took one look at the kids—Toby had a Lego bucket on his head that Ella was hitting at with a wooden spoon while staring at the television—and said, “I’ll take them to the park.”

  Anna mouthed “thank you” and grabbed her bag, saying “bye” to the kids and escaping quickly. As she started to leave, she heard Toby make a squawk of protest, but the sound was interrupted by her mother’s soothing whispers.

  Since Sandra didn’t need her car, with the park just down the road, Anna used it. She still didn’t feel like her brother’s car was hers to use.

  Navigating slowly through the streets, she was surprised it only took twenty-five minutes to get to the hospital. Anna parked in visitors parking and wandered to the entrance. The building loomed high, the walls grey and intimidating. The place was huge. Luckily, the receptionist at the information desk was more than happy to give her directions to the office she needed. The familiar smell of hospital relaxed Anna slightly.

  As she slid into an elevator, a tall, pale woman slipped in just behind her.

  “Are you looking for Luke McDermott’s office?”

  Anna looked at her, surprised. “Ah, yeah?”

  “Sorry, I heard you talking to the receptionist. I was heading there too. I can show you if you like?”

  Anna breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, that’d be great. The directions weren’t overly specific.”

  The woman slipped her hands into her lab coat. “It’s a bit of a maze.”

  “I’m Anna Foster.” She held her hand out.

  The woman shook it. “Kym Drew.”

  “Worked here long?”

  “A couple of years now. I’m in Psych.”

  Anna winced. “Brave. Well, it’s nice to meet someone I might run into around the place.”

  “Applying for a job?” They walked out of the elevator and down a hallway before turning left down another. Already lost, Anna tried to track their route.

  “Yeah, actually. Senior anaesthetist. I just moved from Brisbane.”

  Kym’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh, wait. He mentioned the woman from Brisbane—you come highly recommended. Job’s pretty much yours, if that helps.”

  “It does, actually, thanks.”

  “So what brings you to Melbourne? You leave the Sunshine Coast for all this bright weather?” Kym nodded her head to the window they were walking past. All that could be seen were dark clouds rolling across the sky.

  “Uh…some family stuff. Had to move.” Anna wasn’t ready to explain the whole ordeal to a stranger.

  Her face must have given something away, though, because Kym’s look sobered. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I talk a bit more than I should. My husband passed away a few months ago, and, since then, I seem to overshare, even more than I used to.” She stopped outside a door, fidgeting. “Like now, for example.” She gave a wry grin. “I’m probably not suited to Psych at the moment.”

  She took in Kym’s expression, the way her eyes flicked from place to place, how she bounced slightly back on her heels. “No, don’t be sorry. I’m sorry about your husband.” She hesitated. “My uh—my brother passed away, almost three weeks ago now. Things are kind of…messy? I had to move to Melbourne.”

  Kym’s eyes caught and held hers. She gave a soft smile. “I’m sorry about your brother. Maybe we could get a coffee sometime?”

  She had no idea how she would fit in work with the two kids suddenly in her care, let alone coffee, but…

  “I’d love that.” She indicated the door. “You go first.”

  “I’ll only be a minute.” Kym was out again about thirty seconds later. “Thanks.”

  She smiled. “No worries.”

  “I told him you were out here, just head on in.”

  “Thanks, Kym. It was nice meeting you.”

  “I look forward to that coffee.”

  Anna smiled and turned, knocking as she walked into the office, thinking: That woman had the saddest eyes.

  When Anna woke up on Saturday morning, faint light gave away the very early hour. A look outside the window showed a cloudy sky that was just beginning to lighten. Still warm, she buried herself deeper in her covers.

  Thankfully, the kids were still sleeping—which gave her the opportunity to panic. The job at the hospital was hers—a promotion, too, as one of the seniors in her department. She wanted to feel proud, excited even. Instead, it felt tainted. She would much rather still be working in Brisbane, with Jake alive, living his life with his wife and kids. Everyone would be where they wanted to be, not where they were obligated to be. Or dea
d.

  She sighed, kicking the blanket off. Sleeping without Hayley was hard.

  Work would begin in a week, giving Anna time to sort out childcare for Toby—apparently the staff got a great rate at the day care in the hospital. She needed to make sure Ella was settled back into school and to sort out after-school care for when she finished.

  Everything was still too overwhelming. Even after explaining her situation to her new boss and making arrangements so she could be with the kids as much as possible, Anna was worried about work. Emergencies happened, surgeries ran long. And, even excluding all of this, how was she going to handle two kids, full stop?

  The sheet tightened in her fist as she tried to ignore the tense feeling in her gut. She missed Hayley, missed the adult company. She missed her brother. And Sally. Really, she missed the life she had barely yet given up.

  Rolling out of bed, Anna decided to make noise to wake the kids up and stop herself from thinking.

  Cheerios littered the floor, the table, and Toby’s hair. Milk was finger-painted all over the high chair tray. Toby sat, hair still bed messy, grinning at Anna as he picked up Cheerios one by one. There was nothing she could do but smile back at him. He’d woken up grumpy, grizzling, and calling for Sally. It had taken a little while, but he’d warmed up.

  “Na!” he said through the grin, happily going back to his cereal. Mostly bright and playful, he had especially settled in his own environment. Yet, still, he was constantly calling for his mother and father. The cries at night were the worst.

  Ella ate most of her breakfast, for which Anna was grateful, but she tried not to bring attention to it. Not once did she speak, but Anna figured beggars can’t be choosers. Her niece was still quiet and introspective most of the time, moody and rarely speaking—except when she was with Toby. In spite of herself, she chatted to Toby, holding his hand and making up stories to tell him.