All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  A Cheerio hit her shoulder, and Anna turned her attention back to Toby.

  “Good cereal, Mister?” She took a bite of her toast, smiling softly as he nodded, and tried to ignore the smell she had just noticed coming from him. Nappies were definitely very low on her list of favourite things.

  “Can we go to the park again today?”

  Surprised to hear Ella speak, Anna whipped her head around. “Of course. It’s a great day for the park. Did you have fun with Grandma yesterday?”

  Ella shrugged. “It was okay. There were other kids there.”

  “There’ll be more there today, it’s Saturday. You can play with them as long as you like.”

  “Okay.”

  After finally breaking the silence, going back to it was too depressing. Surging ahead with the newfound conversation, Anna asked, “You looking forward to school on Monday?”

  “No.”

  Blinking at the honesty, she wondered how to tackle this one. Direct seemed the best way. “Why not, honey?”

  Ella used the spoon to squash the soggy remnants of her cereal in her bowl before saying, “The other kids will ask me about Mummy and Daddy.”

  Anna’s chewing slowed. She swallowed hard. “Well, if they do and you don’t want to talk about it, you just say ‘Can we talk about something else?’ Okay?”

  The cereal bowl still held Ella’s attention as she went back to mashing her breakfast.

  “You can talk about it, if you want to? With kids or teachers. Or Grandma or me?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  At a loss, Anna nodded. “That’s okay.”

  If there was something Anna understood, it was that. But was that okay for a six-year-old? Should she push her to talk? When was it too long for Ella to be pushing food around her plate? When should Ella be expected to act like a kid again and not like a quiet little adult? Would she ever act like that again?

  “How about you go clean up, I’ll get Toby ready and we’ll head to the park?”

  Ella nodded, perking up slightly at the notion. After putting her plate in the sink, she scooted out of the room.

  Anna watched her walk out and then turned to Toby, who had brought his bowl up to his mouth and was drinking what milk was left. Most of it spilt all over him. Anna grimaced.

  He put it down with a loud ‘ah!’ noise and grinned at Anna, milk dripping off his chin.

  She sat with an eyebrow raised at him, a smile playing on her lips. “Beautiful manners, Tobes.”

  “Park!”

  Anna stripped the giant bib off Toby, glad it had mostly protected him from the milk. Carrying him on her hip, she went up the stairs. “Yup. We’ll go to the park. That’s a new word for you, by the way. Well done. Grandma teach you that one?”

  He just smiled at her and patted her cheek with sticky fingers, legs kicking idly.

  Anna entered his room. “All right, we’ll face that monster nappy of yours, then go to the park. Deal?”

  He giggled at her.

  “Easy for you to laugh. You just make the mess. I have to clean it up.”

  Five minutes later, Anna was making her way down the stairs with a much cleaner Toby dressed in tiny green overalls. She put him down in front of a floor puzzle in the living room, calling in the general direction of the stairs, “I’ll just get the pram and we’ll go, Ella.”

  She took a deep breath to calm her nerves. She was handling this. Toby was dressed and clean. They’d eaten. Ella was interested in the park. She was totally handling this.

  Walking into the garage off the side of the kitchen, she flicked on the light switch, flooding the space with light. When she saw Jake’s SUV, Anna nearly groaned at the idea of driving a soccer mum’s car.

  The car she had driven in Brisbane, now on the market, was a zippy one that had appreciated her lead foot. As Anna sucked it up and pressed the button to unlock the doors, she froze for a moment. The thought occurred to her: If Jake and Sally had been driving the SUV instead of Sally’s smaller work car, could they have survived the crash? Her heart pounded, and Anna squeezed her eyes shut and blocked out the thought. She was getting the pram and they were going to walk to the park.

  That was what she was doing that morning.

  Small things.

  She walked to the back of the car, opening it and pulling out the folded-up pram. Dropping it on the ground at her feet, she eyed it suspiciously. The thing looked more like a mountain-climbing buggy. Since when did prams come with three wheels?

  Anna sighed and bent over, pulling at the handlebars and the wheels to try and make it unfold. Sandra had told her it just “popped” open.

  Nothing happened.

  She shook it, levering it with her feet and tugging again at the handlebars.

  Again, nothing.

  Anna was a well-sought-after anaesthetist who’d graduated with honours. She could do complex drug calculations in her sleep. Her mother could do this. Anna could make the damn pram open.

  Squatting, she looked it over and saw a little red lever. She flicked it, which seemed to unlock something as the frame loosened. She pulled at the handlebars again and the whole thing finally popped open, catching Anna in the chin and sending her back on her rear as it did so.

  Hand to her jaw, she rubbed, glaring at the pram. Tears of frustration welled up in her eyes.

  She really wasn’t handling this.

  A giggle came from behind her. Anna turned to see Ella standing in the doorway, hand over her mouth as if to catch the noise and send it back in.

  Anna couldn’t stop the slow smile that came to her lips. “You laughing at me, madam?”

  Ella pulled her hand away from her mouth, a stubborn smile still pulling at her lips. It lit up her whole face, her green eyes bright and a hint of dimples on her cheeks. “You’re not very good at this stuff, are you, Aunty Na?”

  Anna smiled wryly, wiping her hands on her jeans. “Not really, Ella Bella, but I’ll get better.”

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The groceries were piling up in her cart, yet Anna was only halfway through. Ella was at her second day back at school, and Sandra, taking pity on Anna when she’d said she needed to grocery shop, had taken Toby for the afternoon. Apparently grocery shopping with a child was hard work, and Anna was very okay with her mother helping in that department.

  So, alone for the first time in days, Anna was even enjoying grocery shopping.

  Oh, how her life had changed.

  She couldn’t believe how much food she had to buy. Even with Ella’s fussy appetite, they powered through bread, milk, and cereal like a small army. And Toby would put anything food-like in his mouth—she’d caught him with a decorative apple clenched between his teeth, looking confused as to why he couldn’t chew it.

  Anna found herself in the cereal aisle debating types, overwhelmed by the fact that there was enough variety to take up an entire aisle. Coloured boxes lined the shelves, advertising low sugar and no additives and a lot of information about dietary needs for kids. Palms sweaty, she stared at the huge array and missed the days of a simple coffee for breakfast.

  Taking a deep breath, she tried to quell the panic that rose inside her. Choosing cereal was a ridiculous reason to freak out. But panic had been her constant companion ever since signing the papers at the lawyers’ yesterday. In reality, the panic had been constant since her phone had rung during her vacation over two weeks ago. In a few weeks, or even months, the guardianship would be official. The kids, the house, everything would be in her name. All of this had become even more real after a bubbly social worker had visited the night before and explained she’d be popping in regularly.

  Anna stared at the bright, colourful boxes lining the shelves in front of her. It was too much.

  Swallowing heavily, she grabbed a packet of Cheerios. There had definitely
been enough change lately. She dropped it in the cart, and, on second thought, grabbed another two boxes and dropped them in too. Making any kind of decision felt good. As had so often occurred in recent days, the reality of the situation was catching up with her, as was the headache from the wine she’d drunk last night after the kids had gone to bed. What she really wanted to do was call her brother to talk about it all, partly because he was who Anna always talked to about these things and partly because she was still filled with an inner rage she would love to let loose on him.

  Anna headed towards the next aisle, happy to escape the confusing cereal section. Her cart turned the corner, and she heard, and felt, it make loud contact with someone’s basket. She pulled up short. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry!”

  Completely turning the corner, pushing the cart wider to go around the unfortunate soul, she made eye contact with surprised-looking dark brown eyes.

  The woman she’d hit laughed, adjusting her basket to rest against the hip it had just been knocked from. “It’s okay, I’m in a bit of a blind spot.”

  “Still, I’m sorry. I was lost in thought.”

  The stranger grinned and Anna found herself smiling back.

  “Who doesn’t get lost in thought wandering the grocery aisles?”

  “Yeah, well, the choices between condiments left me pondering the complexities of life.”

  Anna felt a bit smug as the woman smiled harder in response. She shifted on her feet, shaking her head slightly to get tight black curls out of her eyes. “Mustard versus ketchup, whole egg versus light mayonnaise. Really does parallel with the tough choices we face, don’t you think?”

  “Don’t forget the incredibly difficult one between olive oils.” Anna leant against the handle of her cart, enjoying the easy banter.

  “See, that’s where you lose me. Virgin and light and extra virgin—I didn’t know olive oil was a university kid.”

  Caught in surprise at the words, Anna laughed out loud.

  The woman smiled as if pleased with Anna’s response. She really was pretty, smile lighting up her face, dark skin and eyes so brown Anna couldn’t look away.

  “I’m Anna—I usually exchange pleasantries before pushing people over in grocery aisles.”

  Without hesitating, the woman offered her hand. Strong fingers wrapped around her own, the stranger’s grasp firmer than Anna had expected.

  “Lane. And you make a regular thing of running people over?”

  Lingering briefly a moment, they both let go and lowered their hands. “I’m known for it.”

  Amusement flashed across Lane’s face. “Is that how you got that interesting bruise on your chin? Running a stranger over in the store?”

  A flush made its way onto Anna’s cheeks. The bruise from the pram incident had only just started to fade. “That…that’s a bit of a long story. I had a fight with an embarrassing object.”

  “I’d really like to hear that story sometime.”

  Anna winked. “Maybe I’ll tell it to you one day.”

  Lane’s phone, clasped in her hand, beeped, and she quickly glanced down at it before looking up again, apologetic. “It’s a pity I’m late for a party—I was told weeks ago to bring crackers and cheese, so of course I forgot and had to stop by on my way there.”

  “No judgment here. I just ran down an innocent bystander in the grocery store.”

  Lane grinned again and Anna couldn’t get over how it lit her whole face up. “Maybe next time you do it, I can hear the story behind that bruise.”

  “Sounds fair.” Straightening up, Anna put her hands on the cart-handle. “Enjoy your party.”

  “Thanks. Enjoy your Cheerios. Looks like you like them.” With a final smile over her shoulder, Lane walked away.

  Dark jeans clung to Lane’s body far too well and Anna let her eyes trail for a minute, before mentally slapping herself. The rest of her shopping was done with a small smile tugging at her lips.

  She made it through the checkout, trying not to react to the cost of shopping for an adult and two small children, instead focussing on the conversation she’d just had. It had been fun, with an edge of flirty. Anna shook her head. She’d probably never see Lane again. And she didn’t even want to. She’d just ended a long-term relationship, and her life was chaos.

  But Lane had been really pretty.

  And pretty could be a nice distraction.

  She pushed her cart out and loaded the bags into the stupidly oversized vehicle, sliding into the driver’s seat and pulling out her phone. Lane really did have an amazing smile.

  Her thoughts still on Lane, she dialled Jake’s number, always her first point of contact to talk about women with. A half smile on her face, she froze as the call went straight to voicemail and she remembered that the phone had been shattered in the crash. The sound of his voice flooded the car.

  Hey, it’s Jake Foster. Leave a message and I’ll call you back. Or call Sally, she’s more reliable, anyway.

  Anna didn’t know how long she sat, fingers gripping the steering wheel, knuckles white, staring at her mobile.

  She’d forgotten. For five minutes, she’d forgotten.

  The thought made her horrified, guilty, sad.

  It made her stomach twist with so much emotion that, for a moment, she thought she was going to vomit.

  And it made her miss Jake ten times more, as remembering crashed over her and it hit her all over again.

  Her brother was dead.

  On Thursday night, Anna prepared fish fingers and chips. A lazy meal, but she was over cooking. While chopping up a salad, she tried not to think about the phone conversation she’d just had with her mother.

  Sandra had called her up in tears, sobbing because she’d just gone through the baby photos of her and Jake. Anna had listened and made soothing noises as words like “baby boy” and “the poor kids” and “the two of you were inseparable” came over the phone. During the call, Anna had snuck down the hall and hid near the coat rack to be away from the living room, where Toby was destroying the puzzle Ella was patiently doing, so they wouldn’t overhear.

  She’d gotten off the phone drained and exhausted, instructing her mother to have a hot bath and a glass of scotch, with a promise to spend the next day with her at the park with Toby.

  Anna tried to still her thoughts and focus on chopping everything into even chunks. Since accidentally calling Jake’s phone, she’d been on edge. The conversation with her mother hadn’t helped. How was she supposed to keep the kids, herself, and her mother together? When Anna had picked up Ella from school, she hadn’t said a single word in the car. Toby was as sweet as ever, a tiny but destructive force of giggles and mess. While he was happy and delightful most of the time, he was clingy and confused at others, crying for Mama or Da. Luckily, he was of an age that distraction and being with people he knew were enough to turn his mind to other things. But when he called for people who couldn’t answer and looked so confused when they didn’t come, Anna’s stomach ached with the fact that she couldn’t even explain it to him.

  All she had to do was keep herself together and get through dinner. Then bath time, then bed—and then she would sit on the couch and eat a lot of chocolate and surf the Internet, looking at holidays she couldn’t go on.

  God, the beaches she’d visited before her life had shattered had been incredible.

  A shrill ringing sounded, and Anna jumped. Another phone conversation was not something she had the energy for. She wiped her hands on her jeans and pulled it out of her pocket, eyebrows shooting up when she saw who was calling. For a moment, she genuinely considered not answering. With a sigh, she sucked it up and hit the green button.

  “Hayley?”

  “Hey, Anna.”

  “Uh…how are you?”

  “I’m, I’m good.” Silence hovered a second. “I just wanted to see how you were goin
g.”

  Phone between her shoulder and ear, Anna went back to chopping. “I’m fine. I’m chopping tomato. Not for Ella though, she hates them.”

  “She’s a bit young to have such a big bias.”

  Anna gave a mirthless laugh. “Yeah, well. I let her hate what she wants right now.”

  “Fair call.”

  Tomato on her plate, Anna grabbed a small bowl to put Toby’s in. She’d given him a plate the first night with pasta on it. Big mistake.

  “So, how are you, really, Anna?”

  Anna’s throat caught. Why was it that you were fine until someone genuinely asked how you were? “Hayley—I’m fine.”

  “Anna...”

  “Look, I can’t do this. I…you walked, Hayley. And that’s okay. But you can’t call me and be all concerned. We only broke up two weeks ago.”

  Hayley sighed. “I know, I’m sorry. I just…it’s not that I don’t care. I know I walked. I’m just worried about you. This is…it’s a lot. And I miss you.”

  Anna closed her eyes and took a deep breath, knife stilled. “I appreciate that, Hayley. But I… I can’t do that. The kids need dinner and they have to be in bed on time. Ella has school tomorrow.”

  They were both silent, the ridiculousness of Anna being in this position, talking about dinner and school and kids, hanging over them.

  “Okay. I’m sorry, again. I just wanted to check in.” There was a pause. “I’m sure you’re doing amazing, Anna.”

  “Thanks. Take care, Hayley.” She hung up, shoving her phone into her back pocket again, hands trembling slightly. Anna didn’t have this in her today.

  Something hit her leg and she looked down. Finally, she smiled. Grinning up around his pacifier was Toby.

  “Hey, Mister. You hungry? And where’d you get that pacifier? According to Nanna, that’s just for sleep time.”

  Hands held up were his answer.

  Acquiescing, Anna reached down and picked him up, then carried him to his high chair and set his salad down for him to pick at while she pulled the food out of the oven. She served it onto her and Ella’s plates, then chopped some into pieces so it would cool more quickly before placing it in front of Toby. After some advice from her mother, Anna added enough ketchup to drown a small town. She put the plates on the table and called Ella. Anna had to call a second time before Ella meandered her way in and sat down.