All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  Sauce smeared on his face, Toby babbled as he ate with his hands. Ella picked at a few chips, and Anna tried to force herself to eat food she wasn’t so keen on either.

  “How was school, Ella?”

  Ella shrugged.

  “Do anything new?”

  “No.”

  Anna bit into her salad and resigned herself to a silent dinner. She wasn’t in the mood to force conversation either. Everything had left her feeling ready to crawl out of her skin, exhausted and wired at the same time, her head a mess of thoughts, and all she wanted to do was go anywhere that wasn’t here. She tried not to focus on how trapped she felt.

  Toby managed to finish everything on his plate, Anna as well, while Ella had a handful of chips and a bite of the fish and then proceeded to massacre the rest with her fork.

  Anna sighed. “Ella. You need to eat some more, please.”

  Ella stabbed harder at her fish. “Not hungry.”

  “Well, you should be. You didn’t want anything to eat after school. Have some of your salad.”

  “No.”

  “Ella, for God’s sake, eat something!” Anna hadn’t meant to snap.

  Ella pushed her plate away, so forceful it slid almost to the other end of the table. “Why?”

  Ella glared at her, a flush over her cheeks.

  “Because you need to eat. Your mum would want—”

  “You’re not my mum! You don’t know what she’d want!”

  Anna’s eyes widened at the angry tone.

  Ella’s face was a mirror of her own. They stared at each other for a long minute, both breathing hard, before Ella shoved her chair back and ran out of the room, her feet thumping up the stairs.

  Anna swallowed heavily and looked to Toby, whose hand had stilled in the middle of smearing ketchup over his high chair table, his own eyes wide as he blinked at her. Closing her eyes for a moment, Anna tried to gather her strength. Finally, she stood up and dumped all their plates in the sink. After quickly wiping Toby down, she pulled him out of his high chair. The tight feeling in her throat made it hard to act fine. Anna put him in the living room in front of the puzzle, and he went to it, pulling it all apart. Adding some blocks, she hoped it was enough to keep him going.

  Then she moved to the bottom of the stairs and steeled herself. She wasn’t surprised Ella had finally snapped. But Anna was kicking herself for raising her voice. The last two days had been especially terrible, excluding the best adult conversation she’d had in a long time in a supermarket aisle. Still, she shouldn’t have let that, combined with her worry that Ella wasn’t eating, come out that way.

  She took a deep breath and climbed the stairs, pausing outside Ella’s room. Eye level with the orange letters that spelt Ella’s name out on her door, Anna knocked. Jake had stuck the letters up after Sally had found them in a gift store way before Ella was even born. Sally had loved the name Ella from the get-go, and had been firm in the knowledge that she was having a girl. Jake had put up the letters and sent Anna a photo, with the caption an Ella for Aunty Anna?

  Anna pushed the door open. Her niece was curled up on her bed, pillow pulled over her face, turned to the wall. Silent sobs were making her whole body shudder.

  Once again, Anna was at a loss. “Ella?” Her own voice was hoarse.

  “Go away.”

  Even Anna knew that wasn’t what she should do. She walked forward and sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m not going to do that, honey.”

  A hiccup came from under the pillow.

  Her heart breaking for the little girl who was too young to handle this, Anna leant down and lay behind her. She wrapped her arm around Ella, pulling her close. Ella’s body still shook with sobs, and Anna ran her hand down her hair and pressed a kiss to the back of her head.

  “I…I m-miss Mummy and Daddy.” Ella could barely get the words out.

  Tears stung Anna’s eyes. She blinked them back, screwing her eyes closed and pressing her face into Ella’s hair. “I know.”

  “You don’t know.” Ella’s truthful words were muffled in the pillow, but she was definitely shouting them. “I want things to be how they were.”

  Anna nodded, even though she knew Ella couldn’t see. She wanted to tell her niece that it would get better, but she wasn’t so sure about that herself.

  “I-I really miss them.” Ella’s voice cracked.

  “I do too, sweetie. I do too.”

  She swallowed, taking in a shuddering breath. “You do?”

  “I really do. So much.” Anna’s own voice trembled. “Your daddy was my brother, and I miss him so much.”

  Tearstained and flushed, Ella pulled the pillow away from her face. Glistening green eyes looked up at Anna. “He was?” Her face was screwed up, confused.

  “Yeah. Like Toby is your brother. That’s what makes me your aunty.”

  Ella took this new concept in, still hiccupping occasionally. She blinked, and a fresh tear spilled over. They lay for a minute, Anna wrapped around Ella, who was half-turned in her arms.

  “Aunty Na?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I like that you’re my aunty.”

  “I like that I am, too.”

  She pressed her nose into Ella’s neck, shaking her head to tickle, and Ella gave a small, choking noise that was not a laugh but wasn’t a cry, either.

  Anna sat up suddenly, having an idea. “Ella?”

  Ella looked at her.

  “Come with me.”

  In a minute, she had Toby and Ella in the kitchen. After rummaging in a cupboard, Anna pulled out a saucepan and a fry pan. She gave Toby the saucepan and a wooden spoon—which he happily went about smacking together—and put the fry pan on the stovetop.

  Ella stood there, looking confused. “What are you doing?”

  Anna had gotten out a mixing bowl and measuring cups and was now pulling out flour, eggs, milk, and honey. “We’re making pancakes.”

  A small smile flickered onto Ella’s face. “But it’s dinner time. And you cooked fish already.”

  “So?” Anna pulled a footstool up to the bench and picked Ella up, making an exaggerated “oof” noise as she set the girl down. Flour and a measuring cup sat in front of her. “We want two cups of that in the mixing bowl.”

  Ella’s eyes widened. “I can do it?”

  “Yup. Who cares about the mess?”

  Puffs of flour exploded in the air as Ella dug the cup into the container and scooped some into the bowl. She grinned as a cloud rose up, tears already drying on her cheeks.

  They made the pancakes in a floury mess, Toby banging loudly on the saucepan, creating as much noise as possible. Anna cracked eggs, Ella slopped milk over the mix and stirred it with all the vigour of her six years. Flour streaked their faces and the batter turned out a lumpy mess.

  Voice hoarse, Ella stood on her footstool, naming shapes for Anna to make pancakes into, Toby adding to the noise just because he could. Anna made diamonds, stars, squares, and triangles and even attempted a dog that came out as a blob. Anything Ella requested, she attempted, earning giggles and mature eye rolls at the messy shapes that ended up on their plates.

  They covered the hot pancakes in honey and ate them as soon as they were ready while more cooked on the stove. They were lumpy and, at times, only half-cooked. But Ella tore hers apart and shared them with Toby, who delighted in the sweetness. Her cheeks were a mess of honey and flour, and she was grinning from ear to ear.

  And, without noticing she was doing it, she finished every pancake Anna handed her.

  They stayed up past ten. Toby fell asleep on the couch under a blanket while Ella sat sleepily in Anna’s lap, watching Megamind twice over and mimicking the voices.

  Anna smoothed Ella’s hair off her face, cheek resting against the top of the girl’s head.

  It wasn’t everyt
hing, but it wasn’t nothing, either.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Considering the circumstances, the school didn’t question Anna when she called Ella in sick. She found herself wanting both kids with her after the night before—a feeling that surprised her. Burying herself in them helped her not to think about what had put her in this situation. The distraction probably wasn’t ideal, but it was welcome anyway.

  They all slept a little later than usual, Ella in Anna’s bed and Toby in his cot. For a little girl, Ella took up a lot of space. Anna had had an elbow, foot or bony knee digging into her back at some point all through the night.

  When Toby’s babbling woke Anna sometime just after eight, she wandered through to get him.

  His face splitting into a grin when he saw her, he was standing up in his cot, hands clinging to the side, his hair spikey and mussed.

  “Morning, little man.” Anna pulled his pacifier out and dropped it in the cot. Thankfully enough, he barely flinched, still staring up at her. Once he was in her arms, he immediately dropped his head into her neck, melding himself to her for morning cuddles. The way he happily settled into Anna never failed to surprise her. Nor did the feeling of warmth she got when he did it, his little fingers gripping at her shirt.

  She stood for a minute, swaying with him and rubbing his back. “Shall we go see Ella?”

  He sat up straighter in her arms and pointed out the door, whole body arching into the action. “El!”

  Anna quickly changed his nappy, using the opportunity to put some outside clothes on him. When he was back in her arms, she held a finger to her lips and said, “Shh. Let’s wake up Ella.”

  Toby just giggled.

  Creeping comically, Anna snuck them into her room. Even as Toby was giggling madly, she deposited him on the lump in the bed. The lump made a groaning noise.

  Delighted, Toby tugged at the blankets, pulling them off her. He smacked his open palm none too gently on her cheek.

  “Toby!” Ella opened her eyes and glared at him. “I’m sleeping!”

  Toby clearly didn’t care. “El! El!”

  Ella reached her hands up and tickled Toby on his stomach; he squealed and threw himself backwards on the bed. Auburn hair a mess around her head, Ella sat up, instantly awake in the way Anna was learning only a child could be. It amazed her how painstakingly patient Ella could be with Toby at times. She was fairly certain that she and Jake had not been that gentle. Maybe it was the age gap.

  Eventually, they went from the bed to the kitchen for cereal. Anna had cleaned up the night before, and flour no longer coated everything.

  The morning felt different, somehow. Ella was happy not to be going to school, almost excited at the sneaky day off. As Anna fished through the fridge, she realised they needed more milk and bread—shocking, considering she’d just been to the store the other day.

  “Ella Bella?”

  “Yeah?” Ella answered around a mouthful of milk and Cheerios.

  “What do you say to some one-on-one time with Grandma? I’ll go to the store with Toby, bring him back for a sleep, and then the two of us will meet you at the park in the afternoon?”

  Ella perked up a little. “Really?” One-on-one time with Grandma was hard to come by with a baby brother.

  “Really. She doesn’t even know you’re playing hooky, so we can surprise her when she gets here.”

  “Okay.”

  Anna figured her mother would be delighted, especially considering how upset she’d been on the phone yesterday. And this would mean Anna could have some chill-out time while Toby had a sleep. She really, really needed it.

  Ella put their bowls in the sink while Anna was wiping Toby’s face with a washcloth. The first morning, Anna hadn’t wiped his face, and she’d ended up with yoghurt and who knows what else covering her shoulder and legs. As she pulled him out of the high chair, there was a knock on the door and the sound of it opening.

  Sandra’s voice called out as she entered the front hall.

  “Nanna!” Ella immediately ran to greet her.

  Anna dumped a squirming Toby to the ground, and he took off towards the front door on unsteady legs.

  “I’m playing hooky!” Ella announced as Anna entered the hall.

  “I can see that!”

  Ella was wrapped around her grandmother’s legs. “We get to hang out just us this morning, Nanna.”

  Sandra smiled and knelt down, wrapping her arms around Ella. “Well, aren’t I lucky?”

  Toby hit her then, like a whirlwind, and she wrapped an arm around him too.

  She looked over Ella’s shoulder and gave Anna a strained smile. “Morning, sweetheart.”

  “Do you mind, Mum? I thought you could have Ella this morning while I take Toby to the store and bring him back for a sleep, then meet you at the park at, say, two?”

  Her mother stood up, wincing as her knees cracked. “That sounds delightful. All day with my beautiful grandchildren. We can go for lunch somewhere, Ella?”

  “And get a hot chocolate?”

  “I think that’s a must. Run upstairs and grab your jacket, and we’ll go find something fun to do.”

  As Ella made a beeline up the stairs, Anna and Sandra made eye contact. “No school?”

  Anna crossed her arms and leant against the stair railing, watching Toby pull shoes off the rack one by one. “We had a rough night. I thought she could use a day off.”

  “Everyone needs a day off sometimes.”

  Anna nodded.

  “You need one, too. I can take the kids anytime, Anna. You’re not alone.”

  Staring adamantly at Toby so she didn’t have to look her mother in the eye, Anna nodded again, choking on words she wanted to spew forth. She wanted to tell her mother just how overwhelmed she felt, just how much she did not think she was the one to be doing this. And in amongst it all was this gnawing loneliness. She was alone. She missed Hayley. There were nights she woke up with her arm stretched out, wondering why she hit empty space and not her girlfriend’s skin. Sometimes she wondered if she actually missed Hayley, or just the idea of Hayley. Either way, most nights she felt as if she was drowning in panic.

  Anna finally glanced towards her mother.

  “Have you talked to anyone? Vented?” Sandra crossed her arms. “Cried?”

  Avoiding her mother’s eye, Anna lifted up Toby, who was in the process of methodically putting all the shoes back. His hands moved to her necklace, playing with the chain.

  “I’m fine, Mum.” She looked at her mother. “Really.”

  Sandra raised her eyebrows. “I know you. This is what you do, and that’s okay for a little while. But then you explode—you’re just like your father. Find someone to talk to, sweetie. It’s okay if it’s not me.” She smiled affectionately. “Your father, you, and Ella are three generations of avoiders.”

  “We do okay.”

  “You do brilliantly.”

  Grateful to hear Ella thundering down the stairs, Anna turned her attention from Sandra. The little girl was flushed slightly, her eyes bright. She looked more like herself than she had in weeks.

  “Ready to go?” Sandra asked.

  Wiggling her foot in the air to indicate her orange Converse shoes, Ella nodded. “I tied my laces myself,” she said, little chest puffed out.

  Anna smiled at her. “Go you.”

  “Daddy taught me.”

  Excitement radiating off him, Toby straightened up in her arms. “Da!”

  The pained look on Sandra’s face and the way Anna’s jaw clenched were missed as Ella pulled on her jacket.

  Helping to fix Ella’s zip, Sandra forced a smile. “He taught you well, honey. Let’s go get some hot chocolate into you.”

  With a wave goodbye, Ella followed her grandmother out. Toby waved back energetically from Anna’s arms, a skill he used vigor
ously, even if Anna was just leaving the room to walk into the kitchen.

  As soon as the door shut behind them, Toby blinked at her owlishly, as if surprised to find them alone together. Anna jiggled him on her hip so he smiled. “Alright, Mister. Shops?”

  Looking for a feeling of normalcy, Anna stopped in at a café on the way to the supermarket. A coffee in a café was something Anna lived for. With his Babycino in front of him, Toby made a mess of himself in seconds as Anna sipped her latte. She tried to ignore how people smiled at them as they threw Toby delighted looks, probably assuming they were mother and son. With their brunette hair, dimples, and bright blue eyes, it wasn’t surprising people made that connection. It was just so wrong. It felt like cheating to have people assume that she was his mother. Especially considering how torn she had been—still was—about taking the kids on.

  It was a strange feeling, to want them around her so much, yet at the same time miss her old life. Anna craved her freedom. She’d lain in bed in the middle of the night, Ella’s knee in her back, and almost cried with how much she wanted to be back in her life of four months ago. Feeling hot, flushed, and completely pinned down, she’d gotten up to sit outside on the back step, gulping in cold air to try to calm herself down.

  Then that morning, she’d woken up and called Ella in sick so she’d be near.

  Anna swallowed her too-hot latte and forced her thoughts back to the minute.

  She winked at Toby after the fourth smile from a stranger passing by. “Not surprising, Tobes. You’re pretty damn cute.”

  He waved his spoon at her, grinning back at two women who beamed at him as they walked past the table.

  Anna lowered her voice and whispered to him, “And you’d be a pretty good babe magnet, if I could be bothered with anything like that right now.”