All The Little Moments

by G. Benson

  Toby jammed his spoon in his mouth and giggled.

  The words her mother had said innocently enough echoed around her head—so much like her father. And her mother wasn’t only talking about her grief—Anna had always handled herself in a way that was very similar to the distant father she’d grown up with.

  While Sandra had never understood Anna’s lack of desire to have kids, she’d respected it. She knew it had just been a part of what made Anna Anna. And here Anna was, with her brother’s children, having Babycinos and desperately trying to hold them all together with pancakes and animated movies, all the while slowly drowning in a life she had never wanted.

  Anna missed adult company. Work was starting to look appealing, even with all the complications of balancing kids and rosters. Just the idea of meeting some new people and engaging her brain had Anna itching to get started. She missed the challenge, the distraction and focus it required. The woman she’d met in the elevator, Kym, seemed friendly. Maybe she’d try and take her up on the coffee offer—even if Anna didn’t feel like talking about her things, it seemed Kym had some stuff she’d openly talk about. It could help, distract her, get her feeling like herself again. Her mother would take the kids, give her a break, and give her some time for adult company.

  The sneaky idea that she’d been burying herself in the kids had come over her.

  So soon, she’d bury herself in work and the kids.

  “No no no no nonononono!”

  Anna stood stock-still, immobile, afraid any sudden movement would cause this to get worse.

  “No no no!”

  Her eyes were wide, and she had her hands raised slightly in the air as if someone was pointing a gun at her. The noise was almost ear splitting.

  “Nononononononono!” Toby lay on the floor, kicking and screaming, red faced and covered in mucous and tears.

  Anna had no idea what had happened. They’d been in the kitchen, unpacking the groceries, Toby his usual sweet and clingy self. He’d grabbed at the packet of doughnuts in her hand. She’d said, “As if. No way am I giving you that much sugar before nap time again,” and put them on the top shelf of the pantry. When she’d turned around, ready to pick him up and take him upstairs for a sleep, she’d paused in shock. Toby’s little face had been crumbling, his lower lip quivering, and then he’d fallen to the floor in a big floppy mess and was now in the middle of an excellent example of a tantrum.

  It almost looked like he was having a seizure. And all Anna could do was stare, her mouth slightly open. Where had the incredibly cute, happy boy gone? He was clingy, yes. Some nights he woke up screaming and when she went in, he cried harder for his parents. But he’d always settled quickly. Nothing like this had ever happened.

  Completely lost in this situation, Anna finally closed her mouth and tried to think what to do. You can’t talk sense to a sixteen month old, she told herself. She’d never been left in charge of a toddler throwing this kind of tantrum. When Ella had done it when she was younger, Anna had just sidled out of the room, leaving Jake to calm her down, or she’d edged down the store aisle and left Sally soothing her and trying to hide her frustration.

  Thank God they weren’t in public. How embarrassing.

  She stared at him, little fists thrashing, big tears on his screwed-up face, and considered calling her mother. She’d said to call if Anna had any questions, something Anna had taken her up on several times. But she had the feeling her mum would laugh at her for this one.

  Apparently, Anna herself had been quite good at throwing tantrums as a toddler. Her mother loved to bring that up.

  Slowly, she squatted down. “Uh…Toby?”

  He didn’t even hear her. Did she do tough love? Or comfort? She kind of just wanted to ignore him. Maybe that was the way to go.

  Sally had once made a joke in the store, when Ella was throwing a fantastic one, while people looked sideways at them, that if they were at home, she’d just walk out of the room. Maybe it hadn’t been a joke?

  So Anna stood and went about unpacking the groceries around him.

  He’d stopped saying “no” and was just making squealing noises.

  Her ears hurt. She put away everything that went in the refrigerator and freezer and then started on the pantry items.

  The screaming slowed down to hiccups.

  She started the dishes from that morning and heard the hiccups ebb.

  Anna turned around and looked at him.

  He was sitting on the floor, face covered in tears and eyes incredibly bright. His little bottom lip was still out, and he was staring up at her with the most pitiful look.

  Anna quirked an eyebrow at him. “All better?”

  Toby sniffled miserably.

  She would have smiled, but the panic that had risen up was still too close to the surface.

  Toby pushed himself up off the floor and held his arms up.

  She dried her hands on a tea towel and smiled nervously at him. “Are you a happy boy again?” She vaguely remembered hearing Jake say something of the sort to Ella when she’d gotten over one of hers.

  And there, through his tears, he grinned at her—a real grin, the way only a toddler covered in tears could.

  Relieved laughter bubbled out of her. Anna bent and scooped him up, placing kisses on the softness of his neck. “How about we go for a sleep?”

  She walked him up the stairs.

  That had been terrifying.

  Give her a child under anaesthetic any day.

  Feeling lazy, Anna drove to the park at two, even though it was just down the road. She told herself that it was threatening rain, and that was why, but really, she just felt exhausted. Toby had slept for over an hour, and Anna had meant to use the spare time to catch up on emails and maybe make some calls to the electric company and start switching bills over from Jake and Sally’s name.

  But she’d found she didn’t have it in her. Instead, she’d tidied up, restlessly moving around the house, throwing things in the washing machine—kids went through clothes like nothing she’d ever seen before. An inability to sit still had overtaken her. She had even picked up her phone to call Hayley before she remembered that it wasn’t her place to do so anymore.

  Back in a life that now felt years ago, Anna loved her own company. Yet, now, with all the changes in her life, she couldn’t seem to relax anymore.

  When she pulled up at the park, her mother was seated on a blanket reading a book while Ella played on the slide, wind whipping their hair around their heads. The park was otherwise empty.

  Wrangling Toby out of his car seat, Anna held his back against her front as she pointed in the direction of Sandra and whispered, “Go get Grandma!”

  Already wriggling, she put him down and watched him run on unsteady legs, calling, “Danma! Danma!” at the top of his lungs.

  Sandra looked up and held her arms out as he collided heavily with her, giggling loudly.

  More sedate than the toddler, Anna walked up and sat cross-legged next to them.

  “Aunty Na!” She looked up and waved to Ella at the monkey bars. “Watch! I can make it all the way across now!”

  “Well done, Ella Bella.”

  About to ask Sandra how their day had been, Anna heard a squeal and looked up just in time to see Ella plummet to the ground, arms out to brace herself.

  Anna and her mother were up in a second, Anna bolting towards Ella while Sandra paused to scoop up Toby. Before Anna’s attention focused completely on Ella, she saw her mother’s face twisted in worry.

  Ella was lying on the ground clutching her wrist to her chest, face pale.

  Anna squatted down next to her, heart pounding in her ears. “Ella? Ella, sweetie, are you okay?”

  There was no answer.

  As gently as she could, Anna scooped her up into a sitting position. Her hands ran over Ella’s head, sm
oothing her hair, feeling no contusions; her fingers came away dry.

  Eyes wide, face even paler, Ella sat still, breathing in shallow gasps.

  “Ella, can you speak to me?”

  Her niece blinked, slightly glazed eyes finally coming up to meet Anna’s. She gave a tiny shake of her head.

  “What hurts? Your wrist?” Anna felt her mother hovering over them, anxiety coming off her in waves.

  She nodded—the wrist was already swollen. Anna ran a gentle hand over it, assessing the swelling, watching Ella’s face as she did so. It was definitely broken. She’d seen kids in pain, and many of them, most really, did exactly what Ella was doing now. When they were in pain, serious pain, they retreated to a place inside themselves.

  “I need to take her to the ER.” She lowered her voice so only Sandra behind her could hear. “I think her wrist is broken. Can you take Toby home? Take the SUV, it has the car seat.”

  Not waiting for an answer, Anna scooped Ella up and carried her to the car, whispering assurances in her ear. Once Ella was in the seat, Anna buckled her in.

  Sandra hovered behind with Toby, watching Ella’s face. “It’ll be okay, Ella sweetie. Aunty Na’s a doctor, she’ll look after you.”

  Ella just stared straight ahead, still cradling her wrist.

  Anna closed the door and turned to Sandra. “What time did she last eat? And drink?”

  “Uh…she ate at eleven-thirty. She had some water after that but nothing else. Why?”

  “In case she needs surgery.”

  Her mother paled. “Really?”

  They exchanged car keys. “Maybe, maybe not—I can only see swelling, the skin’s not broken, and I can’t feel an obvious deformity. But I can’t tell for sure without an X-ray. It’s definitely broken though. Everything else seems okay. I don’t think she hit her head.”

  “Call me?”

  “I’ll let you know as soon as I do.” Anna leant forward and kissed her mother on the cheek, then Toby. “Be good, Tobes.”

  Toby squawked and reached out for her as she walked around the car to the driver’s side. She blew him a kiss and tried to ignore the distraught look on his face as she got in without him.

  Anna pulled out of the parking lot, heading towards her new place of employment. It was the only hospital location she knew. The entire drive, she chatted to Ella about nothing. Her niece didn’t answer, but Anna kept it up, giving them both something else to think about. Anytime there was silence, she heard again how Ella had squealed as she fell; worry clenched her stomach each time.

  In record time, Anna pulled into the hospital. As she helped Ella out of the car, she asked, “Can you walk, Ella Bella?”

  Ella nodded, eyes still glazed and face still pale.

  At the triage desk, it was still early in the day, and the waiting room only held a few people. Still, Anna was grateful that all ERs saw children as quickly as possible. Five minutes later, they were whisked through, a kind nurse taking Ella’s vitals and telling jokes, almost bringing a smile to her pale little face.

  The nurse fluttered out, leaving in her efficient wake an intern who didn’t look old enough to shave. Anna eyed him critically. “What are you here to do?”

  He looked at her in surprise, his nerves written all over his face. “Uh…the initial exam?”

  “Did you just answer me with a question?”

  “Uh…no?”

  Ella was sitting on the edge of the bed, still cradling her wrist. With her chair pulled up alongside Ella, Anna sat with her arm around her back, the girl’s feet resting on her legs. Protectiveness was rearing its head, and Anna tried to rein it back. Working in this field, she knew they had to learn. But not on her niece. “What year are you?”

  His eyes widened further. “Uh…this is my first.”

  She knew it. “How far into your internship?”

  “Three weeks?”

  Anna closed her eyes, then opened them, keeping her tone light so as not to alarm Ella. “That’s what I thought. How about you just get her some pain relief sorted out, order the X-ray, and call an orthopaedic consult. Her vitals were fine—check the chart.”

  “But, I—”

  Her eyebrows raised. “Run along.”

  The intern swallowed, nodded, and fled.

  When she looked back at Ella, her niece was staring at her. “You were mean to him, Aunty Na.”

  Anna grinned, glad the little girl had finally spoken, even if it was to say that. “Yeah, I was. I’m getting you a good doctor. And something that’s going to make your arm feel better.”

  A minute later, a nurse appeared with a tablet, smiling at Ella. “Do you feel like you can swallow a tablet, princess?”

  Ella nodded. “I’m good at tablets. I take a vitamin every day.”

  Blinking, Anna stared at Ella. She hadn’t known that—she should ask Sandra about it.

  The nurse sat next to Ella on the bed, handing her the tablet and a small shot of water. “Okay, do you think you can swallow it with such a tiny amount of water?”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Good girl.” The nurse tipped the tablet into Ella’s mouth, then the water, and Ella swallowed, opening her mouth and sticking her tongue out to show she’d done it.

  The nurse clapped. “I think that earned a prize!”

  Ella’s eyes lit up a little.

  Anna breathed a slight sigh of relief. Seeing Ella like that, pale and withdrawn, had almost been worse than seeing her crying the night before.

  “A prize?”

  “Yup!” The nurse reached into her pocket and pulled out a sheet of horse stickers. “You can have this whole sheet for being so brave!”

  Still holding her injured wrist to her chest, Ella reached forward with her good hand. “Thank you.”

  Eyes bright as she looked over the stickers, Ella looked at Anna. “Look, Aunty Na.”

  “Wow.” Mouthing a silent “thank you”, Anna smiled at the nurse.

  She winked back. “No problem. Just call out if you need anything. The X-ray won’t be long. It’s time to switch shifts, so the next nurse will be on her way.”

  For the next few minutes, Anna helped Ella pull off stickers and stick them on her shoes and shirt. Ella, giggling, put one on Anna’s cheek. Anna poked her tongue out.

  “Ella Foster?”

  Recognizing the voice, Anna’s eyes widened. Suddenly very aware of the pony sticker stuck to her cheek, she looked up. The woman from the grocery store, Lane, was standing at the end of the ER bed, flicking through Ella’s chart. Lane was dressed in light blue scrubs, hair a jumble around her head, where she’d tried to pull it into some kind of order. She looked like a mess. A delightful, gorgeous mess.

  Looking straight at Ella, Lane smiled widely. “You’re Ella?”

  Quieter now, Ella nodded. “Yup.”

  “And this is your—” Eyes finally on Anna, Lane stopped mid-sentence, grin growing bigger. “Anna!”

  For some reason, Anna thought to give an awkward wave. She grimaced internally. “Lane. Hi.”

  “Uh…” Lane looked back to Ella, then to Anna. “So it was you scaring the intern?”

  “Um. Maybe?”

  With a knowing nod, Lane shrugged. “I can’t say I blame you.”

  “You work here?”

  Lane looked down at her outfit then back at Anna. “Uh…yeah.”

  “That’s a coincidence.”

  “It really is.”

  “In more ways than one—I start here on Monday.”

  “What? Really?”

  “Yeah, I’m the new anaesthetist.”

  “Wow. That really is a coincidence.”

  Anna nodded. “It is.”

  Confused, Ella glanced from one woman to the other.

  “No wonder you ran off the intern. You know t
oo much.”

  Biting her lip, Anna cleared her throat. “He—uh, looked incompetent.”

  “Most interns are.”

  “I bet you weren’t.”

  An amused expression flitted across Lane’s face. “Actually, not a doctor. I’m one of the emergency nurses. We just switched shifts, and I saw the intern fleeing without completing the paperwork I needed. When I confronted him, he told me he had to find someone else and ran.”

  “I may have been harsher than I intended.”

  Shrugging, Lane smirked. “Nah, he’s a cocky one, he needs it. The nurse handed over that she hadn’t completed the initial exam. Is it okay if I do that, and then I’ll get the orthopaedic god around these parts to come over? He likes an initial exam done, and since the intern isn’t here…”

  Still feeling sheepish, Anna nodded. “Of course. I imagine you’re ten times more competent than him at it, anyway.”

  Lane’s cheeks flushed slightly as she tore her eyes off Anna and looked to the bemused six-year-old. “Ella? I hear you hurt your wrist?”

  Before excited about stickers, Ella suddenly frowned, nodding her head. “It hurts.”

  Lane pulled up a chair, seating herself so she was facing Anna, their knees almost touching. Her eyes were on Ella. “Let me guess?” She flicked her gaze to Anna, then back to Ella. “Monkey bars or trampoline?”

  Wide eyes stared at Lane. “Monkey bars! How did you know?”

  “I’m magic.” She checked the chart to make sure Ella had had some pain relief before gently examining her wrist, getting the little girl to wriggle her fingers, passively manipulating the joint to see what movement she had. When she was done, she winked at Ella, who was holding her breath. “Well done. You’re incredibly brave.”

  Ella looked relieved that this part was over. “Will I get a colourful thing on my arm?”

  “A cast?”

  “Yeah. Brodie got a blue one at school.”

  Lane grinned. “I’d say you will be getting one, honey, and you can have any colour you want. We just have to take some special photos of your wrist, and then we’ll see what we can do about that, okay?”

  Ella nodded, going back to her stickers.