Finding Forever (Living Again #4)

by L. L. Collins

  “Yeah?” Brant smiled at her. “What do you want to do?”

  “Let’s go get some lunch,” she answered. “Then I want to go to work and see everyone before I go to the doctor.”

  “Anything for you,” Brant answered. “Want to see if Sam and Aubrey want to join us too? What about Chloe? It’s your first outing, we might as well make it a good one.”

  “Aubrey’s at work,” she said. “But I’ll text Sam and Chloe and see if they want to meet us. Want to ask Evan? I guess today is as good as any to finally meet your best friend. Hi Evan, I’m Brant’s one-boobed girlfriend. Aren’t I hot?”

  Brant narrowed his eyes at Lacey. “Lacey Russell,” he warned. She laughed, holding up her hands. For some reason, she felt happy. She didn’t know if it was the calm before the storm or what; but she would take it.

  “I’m stopping,” she said, picking up her phone to text her friends. It would feel good to pretend to be normal a few hours before she found out if she was considered normal now or not.

  “It’s great to finally meet you,” Evan said, shaking her hand. He was a good-looking guy, with dark almost black hair and bright green eyes. It was obvious that he and Brant had a close bond with one another, and she was happy he had a friend that was there for him like she did. Sam hadn’t been able to meet her for lunch, but she figured as much. Her doing things last minute was rather difficult these days.

  “Likewise,” Lacey agreed. “I feel like I know you already, as much as Brant talks about you.”

  “Same here,” Evan joked. “Cosmo’s been all about his Leading Lady.”

  “Cosmo?”

  Brant groaned. “Not again. ‘Cosmo’ is what Evan started calling me back when I started getting featured in some magazines. As in the magazine Cosmopolitan?”

  Lacey laughed. “Have you been in that one? I used to get that…”

  “No, he just thought of it and for some reason it stuck.”

  “I like ‘GQ’ better,” she teased.

  “GQ?” Evan asked, lifting an eyebrow at Brant.

  He indicated Lacey. “That’s what she calls me. Says I’m her ‘GQ man’.”

  “Ah, shit, that’s cute,” Evan said. “In a disgusting sort of way.”

  They were interrupted by the arrival of Chloe, and Lacey stood to give her a gentle hug. She noticed Chloe was apprehensive, probably thinking she was going to hurt her.

  “I’m okay,” she reassured her. “Chloe, this is Brant’s friend, Evan. Evan, my friend Chloe.”

  “The pleasure is all mine,” Evan said, standing and shaking her hand. When Lacey saw him give Chloe a full once over, she felt she had to intervene.

  “Chloe works with me, and is married with a little girl. How is she, by the way?”

  “She’s great,” Chloe answered, winking at Lacey. “I’m so glad to see you out and about. How are you doing?”

  “As well as I can,” Lacey answered. “We go later this afternoon to find out the results of my tumor and lymph nodes testing.”

  Chloe reached across the table and covered her hand with hers. “We’re here for you, no matter what. Everyone at work can’t wait to see you today. I hope you’re ready to be fawned all over.”

  Brant squeezed her leg under the table, and despite her fear at what she might find out this afternoon, she felt a sort of peace.

  “Do you want me in there?” Brant asked, putting his hand on her jumping leg. Yet another waiting room and another answer that could mean the difference for her between months of treatment or being able to close the door on this part of her life.

  Lacey looked at Brant, her heart filling with such love for this man. How had she been so lucky to get him? She sent a silent thank you to her mom, and smiled at Brant. “I love you, GQ. I haven’t told you enough lately. Thank you, for everything.”

  “I live and breathe for you, Doc,” he whispered. “You don’t have to thank me for anything. You would do the same for me.”

  “I want you to come in with me,” she said back. “We’re in this together, right?”

  “You got that right, Doc. You’re stuck with me.”

  Just then, they called her name and Brant linked his fingers with Lacey’s, leading the way down the hallway to her fate.

  They had barely sat down in the chairs when the doctor began speaking. Brant grabbed her hand, squeezing gently as her heart pummeled in her chest.

  “Lacey, we have the results of the testing on your tumor and your lymph nodes. Unfortunately, it isn’t fantastic news. Several of the lymph nodes tested positive for cancer, and that means that it wasn’t just contained in your breast tissue. “

  Please God, no. It didn’t spread to the rest of her body. Lacey looked frantically at Brant, whose wide eyes didn’t help her feel better.

  “What does that mean?” She knew her voice was shaking, and her throat was thick with the tears that wanted to make their way out.

  “Your kind of breast cancer is considered stage 2 because it has traveled to at least some of your lymph nodes. We have no way of knowing if we got them all, and the likelihood is that we didn’t. It’s also estrogen positive, which means it uses all of the estrogen to travel throughout your body.”

  Lacey knew that she should know what he was talking about, at least somewhat. But her brain was so muddled with the words ‘stage 2’ and ‘spread’ that she couldn’t comprehend anything else. She put her hand over her mouth, trying to muffle what wanted to come out right now. She needed to know what all of that meant for her, so she bit hard on her lip to keep herself in control. Brant rubbed her back, and it was the only thing that kept her from collapsing in a ball on the floor. Again.

  “What does that mean for her? Treatment?” Brant had been doing his homework over the last weeks. He knew that had they not found anything in her lymph nodes, she would’ve been done and just be monitored closely. But to find anything else meant an entire treatment plan that included chemotherapy and radiation.

  The doctor looked at Brant, then back at Lacey. “Yes. Once you are cleared from your surgeon, which will be in about three more weeks, we will have to do six chemotherapy treatments, one every three weeks.”

  “I have to keep this cancer floating around in my body for three more weeks? Why can’t I do it now? I want it out of me!” She knew her voice was getting hysterical, but there was no stopping it. Panic was taking hold of her, and once it got that far, there was no going back. She couldn’t have this inside her, not for one more second!

  “You have to be healed from your surgery before we can start,” he said. “It’s not going to be any sooner than that. We also have to take you in and do a procedure to put a port in to administer your chemotherapy. It’s outpatient, so no need for a hospital stay.”

  Great. Another foreign thing in her body. “But, meanwhile the cancer cells could be multiplying in my body?”

  “The chemotherapy will take care of whatever cells are there.”

  “I’m going to lose my hair,” Lacey said, mainly to herself. “And… wait? Estrogen positive? Does that effect anything else, like me becoming a mother someday?”

  “Let’s take one thing at a time, Lacey,” the doctor answered softly. “Many women have gone on to have families, and others…” he trailed off, and she knew that she didn’t want him to finish that sentence.

  “Can I travel? I’d like to go away with my boyfriend before all of this starts.”

  Brant looked at her like she had lost her mind. She hadn’t mentioned it to him, but she had been thinking about it, no matter what the outcome was today. She wanted to go to Sam’s beach house in Florida. She had said she could use it anytime, and she was calling in her favor.

  “Yes, though I wouldn’t go out of the country. I think it would be great for you to relax before the treatment.”

  “How hard will this be?” Brant interrupted. “She’s going to be sick, right?”

  “It depends on the individual. She’s young, which can work in her favor. But yes
, she’s not going to feel well. She’s going to lose her hair, and the job of the chemo is to attack the cells, but it doesn’t know which cells to attack and which not to. Therefore, her immune system will be extremely low, so we’re always worried about any sort of infection. She won’t want to be around a lot of people, including children.”

  Lacey squeezed Brant’s hand, and he read her expression, standing quickly. He thanked the doctor for both of them and rushed her out of the office and to his vehicle. When he closed the door, he reached for her and she buried head into his neck, finally letting go.

  This was it. Exactly what her mom went through. Needing chemotherapy, then probably radiation, and a false hope when it’s said to be gone. Until it isn’t anymore. She didn’t want to go through this. Hell, she didn’t want Brant to go through this.

  “I’m going to be ugly,” she sobbed into his neck. “I’m going to be sick all the time. My whole body is going to hurt. I’m… I’m going to be worthless. Don’t stay, Brant. I won’t blame you. Go live your life, find a woman that can be your partner and not your patient. She can give you gorgeous children and you can travel the world, living your dream of modeling…”

  “Stop,” Brant whispered into her hair. “Don’t say that. I don’t want anyone else, Lacey.”

  “I could die, Brant. After all this, I could still die. The treatment could fail; the cancer could be too fast moving. Then you would’ve wasted precious time taking care of me for me to never get better. Don’t you see? I’m just a disease. I’m going to infiltrate your whole life; I already have. You’ve put everything on hold for me. When was the last time you went and did what you loved? I’m going to take every last shred of who you are by the end.”

  Brant sighed, using his fingers to tilt her head back so she could look at him. He took her breath away. She would never regret the time she had with him, but she regretted not being stronger in keeping him from getting his heart broken. “It’s not going to work, Lacey,” he said against her lips. “No matter how many times you tell me to leave you, I’m not going to. I know it’s what you think you should do. But can you for once think of what you want? Do you want me, Lacey?”

  She closed her eyes, wanting nothing more than to forget all of this was happening and stay with him forever. “Like nothing I’ve ever wanted before.”

  She felt him smile against her lips, then kiss her gently. “That’s all I need to know.”

  “My girlfriend has cancer, Mom,” Brant explained. There was silence on the line. He had finally shut her up. She was calling again because he still hadn’t been out to see his dad and she wanted to guilt him. He knew he was being a terrible son. But right now he had to focus on what was important, and that was Lacey.

  “What?”

  “You heard me,” he said. “She’s gone through hell. First, she had to have a partial mastectomy and now she’s going to have to start chemotherapy.”

  “She’s so young,” his mom said, emotion filtering through her voice. She didn’t know Lacey, but his mom couldn’t handle anything being less than ideal.

  “And she’ll fight this, and I’ll be there for her every step of the way,” Brant said defensively.

  “Have you been working?”

  “Yes,” Brant said. “I’ve done a few local shoots, but not I’m not doing any traveling. My job is to take care of Lacey.”

  “Am I going to get to meet her?”

  Dread curled in his gut. If she met her that meant that his dad did, also. She would never come herself. That would also mean taking Lacey out to the ranch. “I would love for you to meet her, Mom, but we’re getting ready to go to Florida for a week, and then Lacey starts treatment.”

  “Why are you taking her away? Is that wise?”

  “She wants to go. Her friend has a beach house there, and she wants a getaway before she will be too sick to go anywhere.”

  “What’s her prognosis?”

  Anger sparked inside him. “Her prognosis is unknown, Mom. It depends on how her body responds to the treatment. She has stage 2 cancer. It’s not great, but not the worst it could be.”

  She sighed. “We miss you, Brant. I would hate for you to get all involved with this girl and then…”

  “You miss me? You could see me any time you want, you just won’t without Dad. And you hate for me to get ‘involved’ with her? I’m not just ‘involved’ with her, Mom. I love her. Someday, God willing, she’s going to be my wife and the mother of my children.”

  “Brantley,” she said softly. “Do you think that’s wise, thinking that way?”

  “It’s the only way I can think, Mom. I have to have faith. If I don’t, who will? When dad had his accident and heart attack, did you hope and pray for him to survive, to spend the rest of his life with you?”

  “Well, of course,” she answered. “But we’ve been married for thirty years!”

  “It’s no different,” Brant retorted. “When we get back from Florida, if you and Dad can handle meeting her without judgment of me or her, then we will come out to see you. I’ve got to go. We have to get to the airport.”

  “Goodbye, son,” his mother said. “I love you.”

  The private jet that was owned by the one and only Samantha Kerrigan-Warner touched down on the runway, jolting Lacey from her sleep. She had been passed out on his lap for most of the flight, and he was glad. It wasn’t often that she got enough rest these days. When Lacey had said she wanted to go to Florida, Sam had gone all out setting it up for her, refusing to allow them to fly on a regular airline.

  Sam had also told him about a big surprise she had planned for Lacey while they were down here. He only hoped that it didn’t upset her. It would require him to get her away from the beach house. How he was going to do that, he still wasn’t sure. It was hard to get her out and about on a regular day, and she had made a point of saying she was going to the beach and not moving.

  “We’re here,” he whispered, smoothing her hair back. She sat up, stretching, the smile he loved so much spreading across her face. Seeing a genuine expression of happiness from her was a rarity these days.

  He hadn’t been to this part of Florida before, but Lacey had told him all about being here with Sam a few years ago for her birthday. Sam and Ellis owned a house on Sunset Beach, which Lacey described as ‘sweet’.

  “Here’s to a week of relaxation and just being a couple,” Lacey said, wrapping her arms around his waist. “This isn’t about sick Lacey and caretaker Brant. This is us, as a couple. Okay?”

  “You got it, Doc. Just how private is this beach?”

  She laughed, kissing his neck gently. “Private enough.” He swore that he felt those words all the way through his body. The desire he had for her bloomed to life. He wasn’t sure what she was going to be ready for, so he needed to keep himself in check.

  Lacey sat in the shade by the pool, reading a book. Brant was content just watching her relax, because it hardly ever happened. He couldn’t wait until the weekend when Sam arrived. Lacey might be facing an uphill battle over the next several months, but she was going to know how much she was loved by everyone around her. All he had to do was keep her away from the television or internet for a few days, because he was sure the word had gotten out. Lacey hadn’t had any interest in either for quite a while, so he figured it would be rather easy.

  The house was amazing, as Lacey had said. He thought he could stay here for the rest of his life. Here he could pretend there was no such thing as cancer or chemotherapy or the possibility of losing the love of his life. Even in October, the weather was perfect.

  “Whatcha lookin’ at?” Lacey teased. His gaze traveled the length of her body, barely covered in a tiny bikini bottom and a tank top. She wasn’t comfortable in a bathing suit top, and he understood. She still hadn’t looked at herself, even though he had reminded her gently that he had seen her every day and there was nothing to be ashamed of. But she wasn’t ready to admit that it was gone, he guessed. He had no idea what she fe
lt like, so he felt it wasn’t his place to push. She even showered in a sports bra, and avoided any reflection where she might see herself at all.

  “Maybe I’m looking at you,” he teased, scooting his chair so it was close enough for him to touch her. “Have I told you how devastatingly beautiful you are today?” He traced his finger up her bare leg, making her squirm as he reached her inner thigh.

  “Brant,” she breathed, putting down her book and surprising him by grabbing his face and kissing him, her tongue sliding into his mouth and making him forget anything else he may have wanted to say. He was insanely attracted to her, and nothing she had been through thus far had changed that, no matter what she thought. He wanted to prove that to her, but also didn’t want to push her too far past her comfort level. But her taking the lead made him feel a lot less pressure.

  “I want to kiss every inch of your body,” Brant growled in her ear, cupping her through her bathing suit bottom. She ran her hands down his chest and abs, stopping at the drawstring to his shorts. The way she was touching him was making his head spin.

  Slowing the kiss, Brant let her take the lead as she pulled back and looked into his eyes. “I want you, GQ.”

  His mouth opened and closed, his brain fumbling for an appropriate response. She what? What exactly did she mean by that? Before he could answer, she laughed, untying his drawstring.

  “I’ve never seen you speechless,” Lacey said, pulling him so he was leaned over her, caging her slight body. “Do you not know what that means? I. Want. You. Brant.”

  He moved her skimpy bikini bottom to the side and sunk one finger inside her, watching as her eyes fluttered closed, then back open to watch him. He wanted badly to reach up and touch her breast, but he was afraid of her reaction, so he dipped his head and kissed her neck, licking and biting until he reached her ear.