Popeye Never Told You

by Rodney Hall

and i say ‘yes’

  so she gets the music going and then she puts her finger on her lips and comes swishing round my side of the table right up close to me,

  ‘shall i tell you a secret?’ Olive says,

  and the Palm Court Orchestra is playing on the gramophone,

  ‘what?’ i ask,

  ‘ssh!’ she says ‘my old mother is upstairs and she mustnt know’ and i can hear that grumpy mother moving about above us ‘your Uncle Ralph has promised to marry me’

  ‘but i think hes already got a wife’ i say ‘in Australia’

  ‘only until his divorce comes through’ she says ‘then i shall be your real aunty’

  and her dress is so tight you can see the corset holding her tummy in, and i let her kiss me and her face powder smells like lots of flowers,

  ‘its our little secret’ she says,

  and i dont know what to say next,

  ‘how did i get born?’ i ask her because shes the one who always answers my questions,

  ‘well we are all the same, pet’ Olive says ‘we begin as a tiny thing, tiny like one of these crumbs, until we grow big enough to be a baby and then out we come’

  ‘and we start wailing?’

  ‘exactly’

  and i jab my finger on to the last crumb of cake on the dish,

  ‘Olive’ i ask ‘how did everything begin?’

  ‘you mean everything, pet?’ Olive says,

  and i say ‘the whole world’

  ‘because God said Let it all begin’ Olive says,

  ‘and everything began?’

  ‘exactly’

  and i know why Uncle Ralph wants to marry her, but theres footsteps shuffling across the floor above our heads,

  ‘is that child’ Mrs Freestone calls down in her cross voice ‘still hanging around?’

  im colouring in but Di skips around behind my chair to dig me in the back every time she passes,

  ‘a tisket a tasket!’ she sings,

  ‘im not going to play’ i yell at her ‘im never going to play’

  Mrs Bolton doesnt mind me talking while she does peoples ironing for them and the laundrys full of steam even on a spring day and shes as fat as Gran only fatter and her white hair is rolled up on top of her head like a loaf of bread going yellow and she talks and she listens and she works hard because theres a huge pile of shirts and blouses,

  ‘one day’ she says ‘somebody will invent a tap thatll give me hot water without lighting the fire first’

  ‘we get hot water for the bath’ i tell her ‘from the gas geyser’

  and she crashes the flat-iron back again on the fire and hoists a hot one on to the ironing board where she rubs it with yellow soap and slaps it down along the sleeve shes ironing,

  ‘or an iron that heats itself up’ she says,

  but i cant help her out and the whole place stinks of burnt soap,

  and i run down to thank the postman because hes put a postcard through the slot at the bottom of the stairs but when i pick it up its only a picture of a bridge, and Mum comes down after me and she takes it,

  ‘Sydney Harbour Bridge’ she says,

  ‘whats that?’

  ‘its the biggest bridge in the world’ she says ‘i think’

  ‘so?’

  ‘your Uncle Ralph worked on this bridge when it was being built’ she tells me and then turns it over ‘Winifred is sending us another food parcel!’

  today we dont ask the time because everythings different at the swimming pool when people have their clothes off, and this makes us late so now weve torn it because the suns going down already when we push through the turnstiles to set off for town, but all of a sudden the skys throbbing anyway and the enemy bombers are on their way over,

  ‘wouldnt you know!’ says Mike,

  ‘come along!’ says Di,

  and they start running,

  but im not ready because ive got to finish slinging my towel across my back like an Arab on horseback,

  ‘hey, wait a minute!’

  but they are halfway up the hill ahead,

  ‘wait!’

  and we are miles from any air raid shelter and even the Gaumont is quarter of an hour away let alone home,

  ‘wait for me!’ i yell,

  but they dont even look back and im tired and sunburnt and i cant keep up and my cheeks joggle and they feel chubby and my whole body bothers me,

  ‘hey!’ i yell,

  when i jog to a stop my towel slips off trailing in the dirt and everything is hopeless,

  im trapped in the open between the road and a huge stone wall thats too high for anybody to ever climb, even Guy, and the Luftwaffe drones louder and louder so at any minute now theyre going to drop a whole lot of high explosives that nothing can stop and theres no escape, and i want it, yes i want to be killed on the spot so those other two will feel guilty when they find out how selfish theyve been,

  and im sobbing so much i collide with Michael,

  ‘theres a new plan’ Mike says ‘we shall head for Grans because its closer’

  so he did come to my rescue after all, but im more furious than ever and i hang on to him and im going to drag him down and i wont let him go because hes a traitor and a dirty pig,

  ‘fuck shit poo!’ i shriek in his face and im punching him,

  but Mike grabs hold of me and growls ‘pull yourself together’

  and i know he means business, but i dont care,

  ‘i hope a bomb falls right on top of us’ i yell at him ‘and then youll get killed with me, because i want those Germans to blow us to smithereens!’

  but he drags me up the hill just the same,

  and still Miss Wilkins teaches us all the things she knows while we are at school because as well as reading we learn to write with real pens but the one im given is so old theres ink stains in the wooden handle and the nib looks a bit bent so when i dip it in the inkwell and start on a letter R it makes a blot straight away,

  and im balancing this big bowl of steamy water and ive got to be careful none spills or splashes on the floor,

  ‘put it here on the table, darlin’ Gran says to me,

  and poor Joans gone white and her eyes look big and her shoulders hunch and she cant breathe,

  ‘a splash of camphor oil should do the trick’ Gran says,

  ‘can i do that?’ i ask,

  ‘not this time’

  and the smell fills her kitchen and Joan gasps with her face in the steam while Gran drapes a towel over her head like a tent,

  ‘deep breath’ Gran says ‘oh dear,oh dear’

  ‘is she dying?’ i whisper so Joan wont hear,

  ‘its nothing but a bout of asthma’ says Gran,

  ‘whats it like under there?’ i ask,

  but Joan just wheezes,

  ‘at least shes past the worst, then!’ Gran says,

  so i push among the people crowding the kerb, and i push till i pop right out into the gutter,

  ‘whoa!’

  theres a truck filling the road and filling the sky thats right on top of me! but im choking and someones dragging me back to safety, and i look round to find its Mr Higgins from the shoe shop and hes got hold of my collar, and the din all around us is terrific,

  so i yell at him ‘is it the Americans?’

  because now i can see along the road and a line of trucks crawling our way stretches all the way down the hill,

  ‘theyve joined the war at last’ he says ‘and not before time!’

  and theres a girl giving me a smile and her hair looks like its on springs and shes counting the vehicles and i know her because shes in my class,

  ‘seventeen, eighteen—’ she counts,

  then i join in,

  ‘twenty-one, twenty-two—’ we chant together,

  and soldiers wearing funny-looking caps lean out to grin down at us and theyre suntanned with white teeth, but some have black skin and wave black hands and theyre all enormous and they throw handfuls of chewing gum,r />
  ‘my mum wont let me have gum because its bad for you’ Pam whispers,

  ‘and my mum wont either because its vulgar’

  and while we giggle more packets fly through the air and even packets of cigarettes and then a whole bar of chocolate hits me smack on the chest,

  so now i know we are going to win the war!

  ‘here come the gun-carriers’ someone yells,

  yes and armoured cars with slanted noses too, and now there are tanks looming our way like monsters, huge guns stick out front and they rumble and squeal and their caterpillars chop up the road, and i can feel the ground buzzing under my feet, and on top there are soldiers standing in the open turrets,

  ‘hi ya!’ we yell and ‘okay buddy!’

  and they look happy because they come out of nowhere,

  and i watch a man in the street shake his head and a pigeon flies out of his hat.

  7

  We all sit down at the table and Guy is next to Mum,

  ‘anything new at the office?’ he says,

  but she just smiles because shes listening to us talk about school and then she gets up to go to the oven,

  Guy opens his crackly newspaper,

  ‘that Rommels a damned good soldier if you ask me, Dods’ he says,

  and Mum takes a big dish of macaroni cheese from the oven to put on the table and she begins doling it out,

  ‘but we beat him’ says Mike,

  ‘thats right’ says Mum,

  and she passes out the plates with food on them and Di gets hers and i get mine,

  ‘but shes got more crunchy brown bits than me’ i complain and point at the evidence on Dis plate,

  ‘serve you right’ Di says ‘because you got most last Sunday’

  ‘did not’

  ‘did’

  ‘shush, you two’ Mike tells us and he looks worried for some reason,

  and after a while i say ‘did not’

  Mum lets out a sigh, so Di gives me a glare just to show me what she wants to say, and Guy gets busy cutting slices of bread for us all,

  ‘anybody for pepper and salt?’ Mike asks and passes it across the table,

  so we all start eating and it tastes good,

  ‘did’ Di says,

  and Mum throws her fork down on her plate,

  ‘this flat’ she shouts at Guy ‘is too small for five’

  but he doesnt seem to understand because he just gives her a little smile,

  ‘sorry’ he says,

  ‘we are too cramped’ she says ‘so the children keep getting on each others nerves’

  and you can see her headache has come back,

  ‘sorry’ he says again and he seems to want her to be happy,

  but then suddenly shes standing up and her chair topples over behind her, and the chair makes a loud noise and shes got a hanky over her mouth and her eyes are wild and shes staring down at Guy,

  ‘what is it, Mum?’ Di screams,

  and now Guys hand creeps out from under the tablecloth and hes getting to his feet too, but he moves slowly and hes still smiling, though something terrible comes next because Mums whole body swings and she SMACKS him across the face,

  ‘hey!’ Guy says,

  and he catches her wrist to hold her away from him, but she tugs her hand free and backs off and she stumbles over the fallen chair and then she gets clear and puts the table between them,

  ‘steady on!’ Guy says,

  and his voice is somehow nice and i reckon this must be a game of catch because he pretends to go one way and then goes the other,

  and he says ‘hey!’ again,

  but shes trying to get away,

  ‘are you alright?’ he says,

  ‘dont you dare!’ she shouts and shes crouching now ‘in my own house!’

  and shes shaking all over and Mike begins to yell like a maniac and Di screams, but i dont understand and the smell of cooked cheese on my macaroni makes me feel sick, and Mum stands behind me bumping my shoulder,

  ‘Mum!’ i say,

  and i watch Guy dancing from one foot to the other but when he doubles back theres someones fist that hits out at him and its Mike, but Guy lifts him off his feet and spins him round to shove him out of the way and i think of the hatchet we keep under the sink, but everyones running already so instead i snatch up the little saucepan from the draining board and swing it but it bounces off Guys shoulder,

  ‘temper temper!’ he says though he doesnt hit me,

  he doesnt hit any of us,

  and the worst thing is that hes laughing and it looks like hes having fun and he towers over us all,

  ‘alright, youve made your point’ he says to Mum,

  and she glares at him like she hates him,

  ‘but you didnt refuse the nylon stockings’ he says,

  so he gives up and thats the end of that because he strolls off into the lounge room and sits down at the piano to tinkle some keys, and suddenly Mum rushes after him,

  ‘get out of my house’ she shouts ‘before i report you to your senior officer!’

  and she slams the door on him to shut him away in the lounge,

  ive woken in the night because someones moving about in the kitchen and theres a crack of light under the door and i can hear bare feet coming our way across the lino,

  ‘Mike!’ i whisper,

  but theres no answer, so Mikes asleep and theres just the slash of light and our cupboard in the corner,

  now the door opens and the lights too bright, but ive already seen that its Guy standing there looking in and i dont dare breathe in case i give myself away, and while im pretending to be asleep anything at all could happen so im ready to jump up and run and its not the German parachuter im afraid of now, and though my eyes are shut tight i can tell the light is still on and i keep my breathing slow and steady,

  it all goes dark again,

  i take a peep but i cant see a thing except the kitchen light is off and i dont know if Guy is in there still, or maybe in here,

  but ive never heard of such a thing as invisible ink!

  ‘then watch this’ says Mike,

  and he dips his nib into the little bottle and gets busy writing nothing on the piece of paper and he writes with his left hand like he always does, though i think this looks back-to-front, and especially because hes doing the joined-up writing they learn at big school,

  ‘thats it!’ he says,

  ‘what?’ i say,

  because theres nothing on the page,

  ‘just watch’ he says,

  and he strikes a match and lights a candle and he holds the paper just above the candle flame,

  ‘hey presto!’ says Mike the Magician,

  and i cant believe my eyes because words begin to happen on the page, appearing all by themselves,

  ‘so now’ Mike says to me ‘i can write my biggest secrets and nobody will ever know!’

  i only ever pretend to be good,

  and im watching the fag in the corner of Mabel Greenwoods mouth because ive got a bet on when itll burn her lips,

  ‘i should trot along’ Mabel says to Mum ‘but its begun teeming’

  and Mabel is Mums friend who comes over to play cards,

  Mum says ‘im sure Rod could dig out a spare umbrella for you’

  so down the dark end of the passage i go and get busy sorting among coats and things hung on our hat-and-coat stand,

  ‘and darling!’ Mum calls to me ‘find some galoshes for Mabel while youre there!’

  but what i find is a door behind the coats where it must have been all the time, but when i reach up to give the rusty knob a twist it doesnt work,

  ‘got them’ i sing out,

  and i cover the door again because this must be a secret escape,

  ‘thanks pet lamb’ Mabel sniffles and takes the galoshes from me ‘i should have known to bring my own brolly, at least’

  ‘okay’ i say ‘its okay’

  ‘i do wish you wouldnt use that America
n slang’ Mum says,

  but i slip off to share my news with Mike,

  ‘what is it?’ Mike says ‘i cant hear you, you idiot, if you keep whispering’

  so i say out loud ‘theres a door! along there’

  ‘of course theres a door along there, everyone knows that! and it has to be kept locked because of the staircase behind it’

  i say ‘but i bet you cant guess where it goes!’

  because i reckon it may be our way out,

  ‘i dont need to guess’ he says and sticks his nose back in his book ‘it leads down into the garage workshop’

  but that’s daft! whats the point of keeping the door hidden? everybody already knows about the garage underneath us,

  ‘dont worry, Dods’ says Mabel trying out our umbrella and getting ready to face the rain ‘Guy wont dare come back now’

  Pam asks,

  ‘whats your opinion about God?’

  ‘how do you mean?’

  ‘about God saving us and the King as well?’

  ‘i dont know’ i tell her because i dont,

  and she gets a good look at me,

  ‘do you say your prayers at night?’ she says,

  ‘only when im at my Grans place’

  ‘what do you pray for?’

  ‘money’

  ‘is that all?’

  ‘and melon and lemon jam’

  ‘well i think youre a little sinner’ she says ‘thats what i think’

  and i dont mind, though somehow ive got to find out about God saving me but if i ask Gran shes bound to take me to church and thatll waste a whole Sunday,

  and theres no one else at home so now its safe to open up Mums cabinet where she keeps her treasures and i poke around inside, but the lid of her cigarette tins stuck, so i have to hug it against my chest to get a grip,

  ‘there!’

  and sure enough the photographs are safe inside so i take one out and its the picture of Mum beside the ant-hill but im not going to put it back, so i pop the rest away again and snap the tin shut and close the cabinet door,

  but no! wait a minute! fingerprints on the tin! quick! i use a handkerchief to pick it up and i rub it against my pants! and Mum wont notice because ive only taken one photo,

  still, i go into the bathroom and bolt the door in case anyone comes home early and i sit on the lavatory to get a good look and heres the ant-hill that the giant ants made at Kangaroo Valley on the farm,