Popeye Never Told You

by Rodney Hall

  ‘are we allowed?’ i ask,

  ‘shut up and stay in the shadow of the wall’ Mike whispers ‘so no one can see you!’

  but im already squashed right up close to it and squatting under the TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED sign,

  ‘whats prosecuted, Mike?’

  ‘chased and caught’ he says,

  and the terror jumps out at me, like theres big men in hats all rushing to catch us, but Mike still gives the signal to slip round the side of the tower while nothings there except some scraps of old yellow paper blowing across the yard,

  ‘why—?’ i say,

  ‘shut up and follow me!’ says Mike,

  and we trample the weeds growing in the cracks at the bottom of the wall,

  ‘do people work here?’ says Di,

  ‘not anymore’ Mike says ‘its abandoned’

  ‘my knees bleeding’ i say,

  ‘that doesnt matter’ Mike says,

  the sky passes behind the tower so the whole thing seems to be falling on top of us,

  ‘we could have gone down to the canal instead’ i complain ‘and we could be having a good time’

  but Mikes found some kind of hatch that hes looking for and he gets out the spike on his penknife and sets to work on the clip,

  ‘whats Mum going to say when she hears?’ i say,

  ‘we should be able—’ Mike says,

  ‘bad luck its rusted’ i say to annoy him,

  but something snaps and he gasps, and now hes holding the rusty flap open,

  ‘so its a square hole’ i say,

  ‘and not very big’ Di says,

  but when Mike wriggles in she wriggles in too and so do i and the heavy flap swings shut behind me,

  ‘so dark!’ Dis voice says,

  CLANG goes something and i hold my breath because a whole lot of light swamps down on us,

  ‘we seem to be at the bottom’ says Mike ‘this is some kind of outlet thing’

  ‘how do we get through?’ Di says,

  and Mike turns to me ‘youre the smallest’

  ‘i wont go’ i say,

  but he gives me a leg up anyway, and i worm and i squirm till im over the shelf at the top,

  ‘what can you see?’ Di asks,

  ‘WOW! youll never guess!’ i say,

  ‘what?’

  ‘the whole place is white!’ i say,

  ‘but what can you see?’ says Mike,

  ‘its all air!’

  ‘but whats it like?’ Diana demands,

  ‘you can see everything’ i explain,

  ‘but WHAT?’ says Mike,

  ‘its empty’ i tell them because i can look up as high as high ‘and theres chains hanging down’ i tell them ‘chains and hooks’

  and they start scrambling through and Mikes head comes up out of the hole

  ‘so much sunlight!’ he says,

  and he stands beside me and pats me on the back and Dis last and shes banging dust off her frock,

  ‘whys the floor white?’ she says,

  and i dig some flour from between the boards,

  ‘look!’ i say,

  ‘flour in a flour mill’ Mike says ‘so what?’

  and Di spreads her arms and flies,

  ‘is this the biggest place ever built?’ she says,

  ‘dont be a dope’ Mike says,

  ‘what if it falls down?’ i say,

  and something gives a quiet clunk and another clunk and a soft boom,

  ‘lets get out!’ i whisper,

  ‘its just the wind!’ Mike says,

  the same boom happens again but in all this enormous space i cant see a single thing that could make such a noise,

  ‘see?’ says Mike,

  ‘see what?’ i yell at him and the echo comes back at us OTTTTtttt

  and Mike puts a finger to his lips till it dies away,

  ‘the whole place is made of tin!’ Di says ‘its painted tin’

  and she darts across the bare floor with her plaits flying,

  ‘YEAH!’ Mike shouts YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEyeyeyeyeye yeyeaaaaaaah,

  and i hit and hit him,

  ‘shut your gob!’ i yell OOBbbbbbb

  ‘the air stinks in here’ Di says from over her side,

  Mike calls ‘its because im sending poison gas your way!’

  and he makes a farting noise with his mouth,

  i start laughing and now im walking backwards across the floor so i can see everything back-to-front and i keep on going right up the stairs step by step to the first landing,

  ‘im King George!’ i yell ORRrrrgggge,

  and i wave down at the others,

  Di claps her hands and she calls out ‘i bags General Montgomery’

  but Mike tells her ‘youre a girl so youve got to be a nurse’

  and i drop down on my good knee to take a pot-shot at him between the rails because this is an ambush, but Mike makes his getaway racing past us and climbing so high up that he reaches the upstairs rooms that stand open,

  ‘whats there, Mike?’ i call,

  ‘nothing’

  and now he swings from a big hook with his legs going like a bicycle, so i get him in my sights and my machine-gun does the trick,

  ‘youre dead!’ i yell,

  and now we are hiding and we go everywhere on tiptoe and nobody can see anybody, and i crouch down to take cover and in this corner theres a ledge where i find a chipped cup with a brown stain inside and a few dry tea leaves at the bottom, and everythings gone quiet so i take out my stolen photograph of Kangaroo Valley to prop against the cup and get a good look, and i remember Joan telling us about a black dog called Rose that had to be left behind when they came to England and she loved Rose, so maybe Rose is still waiting for her to come home because there was even a dog that walked right across England to find his owners because it was on the news,

  but Dis already ducking along the catwalk so i catch up and now its a race to the top,

  ‘dare you’ says Di,

  ‘dare you’ i say,

  and we have to count the steps we tramp up and we count to a hundred and twenty-one but now i cant look down or else im going to fall,

  ‘are you two being stupid?’ Mike yells PIDDDDdddddd,

  ‘dont look down’ Di tells me,

  so i do, and the whole building starts to tilt and i cant hang on and i let go but suddenly Michaels here and i dont know where he came from but hes got hold of me and helps me to sit on a ledge,

  ‘take your time’ he says ‘to get over the giddiness’

  ‘i want to go home’ i say,

  ‘alright’ he says ‘but first weve got to get to the top’

  and he leads the way till we get up right into a sort of turret thing thats so small there isnt room to stand properly,

  ‘this ventilator is just for letting the air out’ he says,

  but what i can feel is air coming in because all round us the slats are fixed at the same angle and i can see the town far down below and tiny people walking around the streets,

  ‘storm coming in from the west’ Mike warns and he points,

  and we watch the clouds glide our way and some rain streaks past and the grey roofs down there go black while dinky vans move this way and that and umbrellas open and everythings shiny,

  ‘now that we know where west is’ Mike says ‘we can set up the other directions’

  ‘so which way is Kangaroo Valley?’ i ask,

  Mike takes a marble from his pocket and holds it between his finger and thumb,

  ‘watch!’ he says,

  and he drops it so we watch it fall and fall and fall,

  ‘that way’ he says,

  and it bounces at the bottom, tak, tak, tak, tak tak tak-tak,

  ‘okay’ Mike says and he starts down ‘the wars on again’

  and now hes running along the catwalk and dodging into empty offices and ive got him in my sights and when my bullets hit him he staggers and falls against the railing, />
  ‘i was on a secret mission’ he gasps,

  ‘thats sabotage’ Di explains,

  ‘but im dying a heros death’ he says,

  ‘lets hide again then’ i say,

  but Mike finds the opening to a thing that slopes down and hes already peering inside it,

  ‘theres a chute here’ he says,

  we go to look inside it too but its nothing but a huge square tube,

  ‘whys it so shiny?’ Di asks,

  ‘because millions and millions of grains of wheat polished it’ Mike says,

  ‘thats silly’ says Di ‘you polish things with a cloth’

  and i hang over to look

  ‘its empty’ i say and my voice is like a head in a bucket,

  ‘this can be our emergency tunnel’ Mike says,

  and we watch him sit on the edge and then he slides all the way down the slope and hes gone,

  ‘Mike?’

  but his face appears at the bottom and hes laughing up at us,

  ‘is it safe?’ Di says,

  ‘have a go’ he says, all boomy,

  ‘me first’ i say,

  and suddenly im away because my bottom gets whisked from under me so that i fall flat on my back and i have to slide down like that the whole way because i cant sit up again but Mike catches me when i come out like a bullet and i roll on to the floor,

  ‘i know why its called a shoot!’ i yell OOOoooootttttt,

  ‘ssh!’ Mike says ‘because we are escaped prisoners of war and with any luck this tunnel might lead us under the barbed-wire entanglements’

  and we run on tiptoe in between big rusty machines till we can wriggle into that rusty hatch we found at the beginning when we came up through it and we are in the dark again until Mike swings the flap open so we can crawl out into the rain,

  ‘are we going to come back again tomorrow and play in here forever?’ i ask,

  ‘just shut up and stay near the wall’ Mike says ‘and keep out of sight!’

  and now we are trespassers again,

  though we are back at home and out of the rain my heads still full of the empty flour mill and even while we stamp our feet and dump our wet things in the kitchen im thinking about the echoes and im planning a new plan for next time, and Mums at the piano singing ‘i attempt from loves sickness to fly’

  so we troop in to join her and we sing along because we know all her favourites, and theres no need to worry about whether it means anything because the words go with the music,

  ‘i attempt from loves sickness to fly-y-y-y in vain, since i am myself my own fever, since i am myself my own fever and pain’

  and i sing the loudest ‘FE-EV-VER A-AND PAIN’ because Mum must never find out that weve been trespassing at the flour mill or shes sure to stop us going back there,

  Mikes the king with all the gold and im going to get it off him,

  im leaning against Di and shes leaning against me because weve already got the giggles and it all started with the parson speaking through his nose, or maybe the giggles began when Gran told us that the hard seat is called a pew and we said ‘oh pew!’ at the same time, and to make matters worse someone sitting behind us has the collywobbles, and now Gran glares at us and she smacks Dis knee but thats funny too and im going to EXPLODE,

  ‘why do ye not understand my speech?’ says the parson looking sideways at the Bible hes reading out of because his nose gets in the way and sounding very cross,

  oh help!

  ‘ye are of your Father the Devil’ he says,

  and the spit flies and he wags his long wrinkly finger,

  but my howl of laughter is awful as well,

  ‘you wicked, wicked’ Gran hisses,

  and she drags me by the hand and Di too, ‘you wicked children!’ she hisses, and we stumble along the aisle, both of us doubled up and limping while that nosy voice drones on till the thick old door swings shut behind us and we stagger down some steps into the drizzle,

  ‘i was never so disgraced’ says Gran,

  and i know shes serious because she doesnt bother about her hat getting wet,

  but i have to stay at home because Dianas caught the mumps and shes sick in bed and Doctor Halliday came and said im not allowed to go to school till she gets better because maybe ive caught it too and Mum says mumps is dangerous for boys but not for girls though i dont know why, and now im BORED with trying to get a stupid game of patience to work out but it wont, not even when i cheat, and im sick of our train set because ive finished playing with that and ive already built the tallest tower out of the meccano and stuck it away in a corner and ive done a galleon drawing with wind in its sails and ive gone through all my Popeyes and Beanos and theres nothing left to do, so i take a peek in at the bedroom door to see how Dianas doing,

  ‘are you going to die?’

  ‘shut up you beast!’ she says,

  and shes crying so i leave her,

  and what wakes me is a dream, i was having a dream about Guy because he had his shirt off and he was lying on his back and somehow i was rolling on his chest,

  and Di got over the mumps but now Mum feels ill and shes the one who stays in bed but i dont reckon its a cold or the flu or anything like that because of how quiet she is, and when i come out of the bedroom i show the others the money Mum just put in my hand,

  ‘i think its a migraine’ i report to Mike and we know this is the biggest sort of headache of all,

  ‘so much money!’ he says,

  ‘thats not for you!’ Di says,

  ‘its the rent’ i tell them,

  and Mike takes it off me ‘ten-and-sixpence’ he says,

  ‘Mum says we are to stick it in an envelope’ i say,

  and now i know what it feels like to be rich,

  so out we go downstairs to call on the landlord in his garage and no one can stop us and we march right in though weve never been allowed past the petrol pumps, and because weve got money the garage men let us walk right in among the cars waiting to be filled and theres a bus too with a missing wheel and theres a man making sparks explode and his voice comes from behind the mask he wears,

  ‘oy! keep clear, you brats!’

  and he waves us away and Mike points up above us because we are directly underneath our yard and i get a look at some sunny clouds through the skylight, and a mechanic in overalls points to the manager sitting in his office with bunches of papers hanging on the wall and hes so surprised to see us he snatches his cap off his head and throws it down on his work,

  ‘what the hell!’ he roars,

  ‘Mums ill’ Mike says ‘so we are the ones to bring the rent’

  and the manager calms down and scratches his head,

  ‘well, thats alright then’ he says ‘but the workshop is no place for youngsters like you’

  and im looking at some coloured pictures of ladies in bathers stuck to the glass,

  ‘its not safe’ he says,

  and he counts the money and licks his fingers to flick through the pages in his receipt book and then licks his fingers again so he can pick up the little piece of blue carbon paper for slipping in at the right place before he gets busy writing,

  ‘thank you’ says Mike,

  but i get a sick feeling in my tummy because weve given him all that money,

  ‘and now id better see you safely out’ says the manager,

  and he leads the way showing us around while an old man comes wriggling out from underneath a three-wheeler van to peer at us through very thick glasses and he puffs at the last bit of a cigarette stuck to his lip,

  ‘my best mechanic’ he tells us,

  and Mike says ‘our Uncle Dick Riney has a Railton Special’

  ‘lucky him’ says the mechanic and coughs a whole lot of smoke and rummages in his overalls to pull out a snotty old handkerchief that he spits into,

  the manager shows us a dark corner ‘those stairs lead up to your place’ he says,

  but all there is is a closed door at the top
of some dusty steps with old junk and telephone books stacked on them,

  ‘that doors never opened’ says Mike,

  ‘on our side weve got it hidden behind a hat-and-coat stand’ Di explains,

  ‘and its got bolts on it’ i say,

  ‘just make sure to thank your mother for me’ says the manager to Di because shes the one he gives the receipt to,

  ‘i feel better now the last of Guys money has been paid over’ Mum tells us and she tries to smile,

  so i throw myself on her bed and i cry and cry while she strokes my hair,

  ‘what is it?’ she says,

  but Mike says ‘hes just an idiot’

  Joan gives me and Di a couple of Horlicks tablets and we get busy sucking them,

  ‘wallabies’ she says ‘are small kangaroos that raid your kitchen garden’

  ‘what for?’ i ask,

  ‘so they can bite off every scrap of spinach right down to the roots’

  ‘spinach is my favourite’ i say and the reason is a secret,

  but Joan doesnt remember Mums ant-hill,

  ‘Mum says im a horror the way i talk’ i say,

  ‘yes youre a horror and an urchin’ Joan says,

  and shes a teacher who teaches elocution so our problem can be fixed,

  ‘but whats wrong with slang?’ i say ‘i like slang’

  ‘now youre coming for lessons you have to do as i tell you’ Joan says,

  and i will because i love her and she laughs and she has the whitest teeth of anybody because she brushes them with pink tooth powder, so she gives me a biscuit and some ginger pop and kisses me and afterwards im allowed out in the garden to throw a ball for her scottie dog while Di has her lesson, but i run back indoors to the drawing room instead to look at that oil painting of the cows,

  and what i want to tell you is that ive got a plan and im going to run away from home,

  and i like watching Mrs North mixing Grans medicine for her indigestion that we are going to take back to her, and Michael is buying chemist stuff off old Mr North for his chemistry experiments,

  ‘and some sulphur, please’ Mike says ‘and saltpetre too’

  and old Mr North shakes the powders into separate little paper cones and hes very careful,

  ‘dont forget a new test tube’ i say because Mike told me to remind him,

  and Mr North holds up some test tubes to show us the different sizes hes got and we can see through the glass with him looking at us,