Super Schnoz and the Gates of Smell

by Gary Urey

  I whisked past security and headed for the library. When I got there I didn’t recognize the place. Gone were the books, magazines, and computer terminals. Replacing them were Smart Boards and huge diagrams of Earth’s core and detailed maps of the school and town of Denmark.

  Several new scientists in white coats sat at worktables, fiddling with their pens, waiting for the meeting to begin. I grabbed the only empty seat next to a scientist who was only an inch or two taller than me and wearing a gas mask like everyone else. Long black hair stuck out from under the helmet.

  A tall woman with short blond hair stood up from one of the tables and addressed the room. “I am Dr. Louise Buggingham,” she said. “ECU’s Senior Vice President of Scientific Study.”

  I instantly recognized the woman’s voice from when I had hid behind the copy machine the day of the evacuation.

  “You have been chosen for several reasons,” Buggingham continued. “For your impeccable scientific credentials, your commitment to ECU’s mission, and your ability to keep your mouths shut. This is a top-secret operation that will make us all very, very wealthy.”

  A ripple of excitement stirred through the crowd. I heard a scientist at another table hum the word ka-ching. The others stood and gave Buggingham a standing ovation—except for me and the scientist sitting next to me.

  Buggingham flicked on the Smart Board. ECU’s mission statement flashed on the screen.

  Our mission is to solve environmental problems with scientifically sound results and to maintain compliance that ensures the safety and health of all individuals.

  I had heard this before. Their mission statement was exactly what an ECU representative told the reporter the day they evacuated us!

  “This is what we tell the general public,” Buggingham said. “But the following is what we tell ourselves behind closed company doors.” She pushed a button and a new paragraph popped up.

  Our mission is to locate the most polluted, vile environments on Earth and exploit those areas to make loads and loads of money no matter what the cost to public health and safety.

  Buggingham and the other scientists all laughed maniacally. The scientist next to me did the exact opposite. She smacked the palm of her hand on the table and groaned, the laughter in the room drowning out her obvious displeasure.

  “Sit back and relax,” Buggingham said. “I am going to show a brief film to inspire everyone for the important work that lies ahead.” She pulled down a large screen, the same one I used to watch documentaries on when we all went to school here.

  The lights dimmed. But before everything went completely black, the scientist beside me quickly lifted her gas mask and turned to me.

  “What took you so long to find a way inside?”

  My mouth dropped open; my nasal cavities gasped for air.

  It was Vivian.

  21

  TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

  “How’d you get inside?” I asked.

  “My mom just got a job at the catering company feeding this operation,” Vivian said. “They always deliver their breakfast food the night before. I remembered that while I was waiting for my parents to crash. When I heard their snores, I snuck out, climbed into the back of a delivery truck, and hid inside a big tub of bagels. They just rolled me into the cafeteria.”

  “You were supposed to meet us at the Nostril tonight. We were worried about you.”

  Vivian shrugged. “My plan was better and much safer than flying onto the roof of the school. Where’s your bird mask?”

  “I hid it on the stage,” I answered.

  “Remember to go back and get it. We don’t want ECU to find it. Did you have any trouble getting inside?”

  “Not really. A couple guards saw me on the roof. They just thought I was a turkey buzzard and moved on.”

  “That means the costume I designed is working. It totally disguises your identity.”

  An ear-piercing wail of screeching feedback filled the room. The movie screen went black and the lights turned back on.

  “It appears we’re having technical difficulties with the film,” Buggingham said. “I’ve just been told the school’s movie projection equipment is not working. “Fine. I love to talk so I will explain our operation and your role in making it happen.”

  Vivian and I sat in stunned silence as Buggingham explained ECU’s true intentions for James F. Durante Elementary. The company’s hyper-spectral imaging and ground-penetrating radar discovered the most noxious, smelly substance on Earth—directly under our school.

  “The Gates of Smell.” I whispered in Vivian’s ear.

  Just like there are oil pockets all over the world, there are also smell pockets—stinky underground reservoirs of ancient, coagulated dinosaur poop. Combine this with the hot, Neolithic gases of caveman bad breath, fungus feet, and armpit odor, and it’s an ecological disaster waiting to happen.

  That was exactly ECU’s diabolical plan.

  Their mission was to harness the Gates of Smell and pollute every city in the United States, starting with Denmark, New Hampshire. They, of course, would be the only company in the world with the expertise to clean up the mess and make trillions of dollars in the process. They called the goop gushing from our gym floor SPOIL—Strategic Pollution Originating Inside Layers.

  Vivian and I looked at each other, the same terrified expressions on our gas-mask-clad faces. This meant this was no longer a battle for summer vacation. It was a war to save the world from ECU.

  22

  SPOIL

  Buggingham led us from the library to the Pumping Floor. Since I had seen it before, I knew what to expect. Vivian, on the other hand, was in for a complete shock.

  “I can’t believe that black goopy stuff is coming from the center of the earth,” Vivian said, a hint of awe in her voice.

  “It sure is,” I replied. “And if we don’t find a way to stop it, ECU is going to pollute the world.”

  “Gather around,” Buggingham ordered. “I want to introduce you to ECU’s owner, Dr. Milton Muzzle.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Buggingham,” Muzzle said.

  It was the man from the evacuation and the one who kicked me off the Pumping Floor earlier. I’d recognize his croaking voice anywhere.

  “As I’m sure you learned in orientation, this seemingly innocent elementary school gymnasium is ground zero of our operation,” Muzzle said and pointed toward the Gates of Smell. “Below our feet three miles into the earth’s core is where numerous extinct creatures went to the bathroom. A Jurassic outhouse, if you will, creating an endless supply of SPOIL to complete our work.

  “These hoses are pumping two hundred gallons of SPOIL per hour,” Muzzle continued. “They are then sent to hundreds of truck tankers, waiting for my order to pollute.” He glanced down at his watch. “We will be ready to launch our tankers in exactly seventy-two hours. The town of Denmark will be the first place in America to drown in SPOIL.”

  The more Muzzle laid out his plan, the angrier I became. It was painfully clear. He had no intention of reopening our school. We had to do something fast—me, my nose, the Not-Right Brothers, and now Vivian.

  Vivian walked away from the Pumping Floor and looked out the window. After a moment, she motioned for me to join her.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “There’s our old gym floor,” she said. “They carved it up into four giant tiles. They stacked them outside like building blocks.”

  “What’s your point?”

  “Silly. If we can get rid of ECU, we can reseal the floor. They’d fit back just like puzzle pieces.”

  I shook my head. “Those sections of floor probably weigh a ton. How could we ever move them?”

  “That’s a big problem, but I’m sure your nose can figure something out.”

  Buggingham clapped her hands for everyone’s attention. “I have good news,” she said. “Technicians have created a SPOIL-free area in the school’s teachers’ lounge. We now have a place we can take off our gas ma
sks without searing our lungs to shreds. Let’s assemble there in five minutes and discuss your duties further.”

  Muzzle, Buggingham, and the other new scientists made their way to the school library. Vivian and I didn’t budge. There was no way we could take off our gas masks. They’d discover we were kids right away.

  “What are we going to do?” Vivian asked.

  “I think we’ve done enough spying for the day,” I said. “Let’s get out of here.”

  “How? I can’t just slip back inside a dinner roll basket and hope they deliver me to my house. Guards and dogs are at every exit.”

  I lifted my gas mask and sniffed the air. SPOIL may have been dangerous for mortal noses, but my sniffer found the aroma of decaying dinosaur poop deliciously alluring. I snorted deeper and caught a familiar scent. Mixed with the overpowering odor of SPOIL was a rotting pastrami sandwich with Swiss cheese and mustard on rye.

  It was Mr. Toby’s lunch. He ate pastrami every day, and he had probably left it sitting on his desk the day we evacuated the school. I remembered the hatch, the one I couldn’t pull open on the roof. It dropped into Mr. Toby’s office. That meant it was locked from the inside. All I had to do was unlock the hatch and we’d be on the roof in seconds.

  “I know the way out,” I said. “Follow me.”

  23

  BY THE SKIN OF MY NOSE

  Vivian and I walked around the Pumping Floor toward the gym doors. Even with the overpowering stench of SPOIL, the smell of rotting pastrami was strong. I wanted to get to the custodian’s office and escape through the hatch before anyone got suspicious. But as soon as we stepped into the hallway, Buggingham stopped us.

  “You two are headed the wrong way,” she said. “The teachers’ lounge is in the hall opposite the Pumping Floor.”

  “Um…we were just going to use the bathroom,” I said, deepening my voice so she wouldn’t know I was a kid. “The one marked Teachers Only near the office. We didn’t want to use the one that’s for children.”

  “There are no children in this building anymore and there never will be again. There is a restroom in the teachers’ lounge. It’s in the SPOIL-free zone so you won’t have to wear masks. Follow me.”

  Vivian and I looked at each other. We had no choice. We had to follow Buggingham.

  The teachers’ lounge looked almost the same as before. There was a long table, a couch, a soda machine, and a row of shelves used for teachers’ mailboxes. Against a far wall was a large, brand-new air-purifying unit. The copy machine I had hid behind on the day of the evacuation was gone. ECU had replaced it with a massive one hundred and seventy-five inch CCTV security monitor that showed several different views of the school.

  Vivian stared at the screen. “They have every inch of the school covered with cameras. Look at the bottom right screen shot.”

  I looked down and saw what she was talking about. ECU had placed a security camera inside the custodian’s office—right next to the roof hatch.

  The new scientists had gathered around the table, looking at top-secret files about the operation. I nonchalantly wandered over to the table, grabbed a folder, and shoved it down the front of my pants.

  “Take off your masks,” Buggingham told us. “The bathroom is through that door. Hurry—we’re discussing the Russian community of Nizhnevartovsk, where we first discovered SPOIL.” She then joined the other scientists at the table.

  Vivian and I were both desperate to breathe some fresh air, but there was no way we could take off our masks.

  “What do we do now?” Vivian asked.

  “Go to the bathroom,” I said. “Just like Buggingham said.”

  When I opened the door, Vivian hesitated. “But you’re a boy. We can’t go to the bathroom together.

  I rolled my eyes and dragged her inside. “Don’t worry. I won’t pee in front of you.”

  With the door closed and locked, we took off our gas masks. I inhaled a mighty snootful of air.

  “I can’t believe they actually had a mask big enough to fit over your nose,” Vivian said.

  “Forget my nose,” I said. “We have more important things to think about. Like how to get to the hatch without ECU finding out.”

  “From the looks of it, there’s only one thing we can do.”

  “Like what?”

  “Bust out of this bathroom and make a run for it.”

  “Let’s do it,” I said.

  Vivian and I looked at each other nervously. We took a deep breath, pulled on our gas masks, and rushed out of the teachers’ lounge.

  Two guards marched down the hall, dogs at their sides. We brushed by them, heading toward the custodian’s office. We didn’t get fifteen feet before a familiar voice called out behind us.

  It was Buggingham again.

  “Where do you two think you are going?” she hollered. “Orientation isn’t over yet.”

  We ignored her and walked down the corridor as fast as we could. Buggingham shouted something to the guards. Within seconds, they were on our heels.

  “Halt!” the guards ordered.

  We quickened our pace to a dead sprint. I heard the snap of a chain and the sound of sharp nails scraping across the linoleum floor. The dogs were loose. A round of bullets whizzed over our heads, missing us by millimeters.

  “They’re shooting!” I cried out.

  Mr. Toby’s office was next to the kitchen at the far end of the school. We dashed past the cafeteria and dove into his office. There was the pastrami sandwich, moldy and festering with flies, sitting on his desk. A metal ladder led to the roof hatch.

  “You go first,” I said. “I’m right behind you.”

  The lock was an inside grab-handle. We gripped the long metal lever and pulled with all our might. The hatch popped open.

  “Up and out,” I said. “Hurry!”

  Vivian slipped through the opening and onto the roof. I was just about to follow her when something grabbed the heel of my shoe. I looked down and saw a vicious-looking rottweiler ripping at my sneaker.

  I tried wiggling out of my shoe, but the laces were double-knotted too tight. The guards burst into the room.

  “Stop or I’ll shoot!” one of the guards yelled.

  My nose bumped into the drop ceiling. A cloud of dust wafted down and tickled the inside of my nostrils. My eyes felt watery; my mouth opened wide. I sneezed so hard a flood of snot blew from my honker.

  The dog whimpered and released its grip on my shoe. The guards were completely soaked in mucus. One of them aimed his rifle at me and fired, but the only thing that came from the barrel was a gurgle of green boogers.

  I slipped through the hatch and climbed onto the roof. Thunder boomed and lightning illuminated the night sky. The rain was showering down so hard I could barely see.

  “Vivian!” I shouted. “Where are you?”

  “Over here!” she hollered back. “Next to the solar panels!”

  I rushed over and instructed her to climb onto my back.

  She hesitated. “Are you sure you can hold my weight?”

  A helmeted head popped out of the roof hatch. It was one of the guards. He had managed to free himself from my boogery quicksand.

  “It’s now or never!” I pleaded. “The guard is coming!”

  Vivian closed her eyes and hopped onto my back. She was holding onto me so hard I could feel her sharp fingernails digging into my skin.

  With a giant breath of air, I inflated my nostrils and flew us across town back to the Nostril. We had gotten away by the skin of my nose.

  24

  NIZHNEVARTOVSK

  By the time Vivian and I made it back to the Nostril, we looked like drowned rats. I peeled off my Super Schnoz costume and draped it over a chair to dry.

  After almost getting shot and having my shoe torn apart by a rottweiler, I thought the dangerous part was over. Then I had to fly though a torrential thunderstorm. The wind was so hard it nearly blew Vivian off my back.

  “You’re a little late,” Jimmy s
aid when he saw Vivian.

  “Late for what?” Vivian asked.

  “The operation is already over,” TJ said. “Schnoz has been to the school and back again.”

  “Vivian was already waiting for me when I got there,” I said. “She found a way in by herself.”

  “What are you talking about?” Mumps asked.

  “Let me answer this,” Vivian said, and then explained about her mom’s catering company, hiding in a bucket of bagels, and disguising herself as a new scientist.

  Jimmy sat up, his cheeks red with anger. “You should have told us what you were doing. ECU could have caught you and blown our whole operation.”

  “I agree,” TJ said.

  “That goes for me too,” Mumps added.

  “Vivian,” Jimmy said. “You’re fired.”

  Vivian’s mouth dropped open. “What do you mean I’m fired?”

  “Don’t be silly, Jimmy,” I said. “We need her. She’s been inside the building and knows the layout.”

  “We can’t trust her. You heard it yourself. She’s sneaking around, doing her own thing. We have to be a team. For all we know, she’s a spy for ECU.”

  “I’m not a spy!” Vivian fired back. “I’m a part of the team. We need each other.”

  “ECU’s guards almost killed us,” I said. “Trust me. She isn’t working with them.”

  I spent the next twenty minutes filling them in on what had happened inside the school. As far as I was concerned, Vivian was already part of our team. Jimmy, TJ, and Mumps huddled in the corner, talking among each other, deciding what to do. We were a democracy, and I was only one vote.

  “Okay,” Jimmy said finally. “Schnoz, if you trust her then we will too. But she can’t just go wandering off by herself. I won’t be responsible for the safety of a defenseless girl.”

  Vivian held up her fists. “I could beat you up easy. Stick ’em up!”

  “Stop it!” I hollered. “We can’t fight ourselves and ECU at the same time. Vivian and I have a lot more to tell you about what we discovered inside their operation. We only have sixty-seven hours to save our town. Let’s get to work.”