Super Schnoz and the Gates of Smell

by Gary Urey

  The morning sun had just peeked over the White Mountains when Vivian and I finished our briefing on ECU’s hideous plan, everything from SPOIL and the Gates of Smell to their planned environmental attack on the town of Denmark.

  “We have to defeat them,” Jimmy said. “I cannot—will not be sitting in Mrs. Field’s classroom come July.”

  “I second that,” TJ added.

  “I third it,” Mumps chimed.

  “Then what’s the plan?” Vivian asked.

  All eyes turned to me. I was the one with the superpowers.

  “The answer is simple,” I said. “We destroy ECU and seal the Gates of Smell forever.”

  “And how are we supposed to do that?” Mumps asked.

  The Top-Secret Report.

  I’d swiped it from the teachers’ lounge inside the school. It was still down the front of my pants. During the wet flight back to the Nostril, I’d forgotten all about it. I tugged it out of my underwear and laid it on the table. The folder was actually a book, bound in leather, with the words ECU—Commission on Takeover, Destruction, and Profit stamped across the front.

  “Maybe this can help us,” I said. “It’s a top-secret document I swiped from ECU.”

  We spent the next hour poring over the pages. The book was broken up into three sections. The first part was all technical—how to discover sources of SPOIL, and then the science of extracting it from the ground. The second part was just plain horrifying. It explained in gruesome detail about ECU’s first SPOIL operation in Northern Russia in a town called Nizhnevartovsk. I remembered Buggingham mentioning that name in the teachers’ lounge before our escape.

  ECU’s scientists had located a pocket of SPOIL underneath the city’s community center. Just like in our town, they unleashed a toxic smell. After convincing government officials they could clean it up, they took over the building and started pumping out barrels of SPOIL. When they had enough of the goopy, smelly liquid, they systematically saturated the town. The toxic substance destroyed entire neighborhoods, people lost their homes, and some lost their lives. ECU then swooped in like heroes, claiming they could clean everything up—for a hefty price. They had made twenty-seven million dollars on one little Russian town.

  “They could make twice as much in New Hampshire,” Vivian said. “America’s the richest country in the world.”

  “Probably five times,” Mumps added.

  “Turn to part three,” Jimmy said. “Let see what it has to say.”

  Part three was titled Denmark, New Hampshire. My stomach churned like I had just swallowed a hunk of moldy bologna. From the frightened looks on my friends’ faces, they felt the same way. Denmark was going to suffer the same fate as Nizhnevartovsk if we didn’t stop them.

  Just as Jimmy opened his mouth to comment, his mother hollered from the kitchen window.

  “Jimmy! Tell your friends it’s time to go home. Sleepover is officially over.”

  “Great,” Jimmy said. “Now what do we do?”

  “Let’s go home, get some rest, and make an appearance for our parents,” I said. “We’ll meet back at the Nostril at noon.”

  I opened the door to leave, and that’s when I realized I had forgotten my Mardi Gras mask back on the school stage.

  25

  THE CAYENNE CANNON

  I didn’t get back to the Nostril until almost twelve thirty. Vivian and the Not-Right Brothers were waiting for me. They weren’t very happy.

  “You’re late, Schnoz,” Jimmy said.

  “Sorry,” I said. “My mom made me cut the lawn. I had to wait for the grass to dry out from last night’s storm.”

  Jimmy pointed to the clock on TJ’s laptop. “You’re the one who said we only had sixty-seven hours to save our town.”

  “Stop bickering,” Vivian said. “We have to concentrate on our game plan.”

  “But we don’t have a plan,” Mumps said.

  I retrieved my Super Schnoz costume from the back of a chair.

  “By the way, I forgot the Mardi Gras mask when we left the school last night,” I said. “Do you have another one?”

  “A mask is vital to keeping your identity a secret,” Vivian huffed. “Your nose is as recognizable in this town as the Old Man of the Mountain. Lucky for you my parents have a bunch of masks.”

  Vivian charged across the street to her house and brought back another mask. This one had all yellow feathers and a big yellow beak. Little black beads outlined the eyes.

  “I’m not wearing this,” I said. “I’ll look like Big Bird.”

  “Tough,” Jimmy said. “You should have thought about that when you lost the other one.”

  “Take a deep breath, guys,” Vivian said. “I don’t care what the mask looks like as long as it disguises Schnoz’s nose. Let’s break down the operation, starting from the beginning. What should happen first?”

  “Sneak into the school without alerting the security guards,” said TJ.

  “Schnoz, you secretly fly us all on the roof and we’ll slip down the hatch,” Vivian said.

  “Sounds good in theory, Viv,” I said. “But I can’t just fly people one at time. It’s too dangerous, more chances of them spotting us.”

  “Then fly us all at once,” Jimmy said. “That way you only do one trip. I can make a harness with my sister’s sewing machine, one big enough to hold all four of us. Can you still get airborne will all the extra weight?”

  I nodded my nose. “As long as I have enough wind in my nostrils it shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “Good,” TJ said. “Issue solved. What’s next?”

  “We have to deal with all the security guards, vicious dogs, armored tanks, and attack helicopters,” Mumps said.

  The Nostril grew quiet. Sneaking into the school was easy, but battling dozens of armed guards with high-tech military equipment was another matter altogether.

  “What about pepper?” Jimmy said quietly.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  “Remember when I wanted to get out of a pop quiz in Mrs. Field’s class? You snorted a few grains of pepper and sneezed so hard the fire alarm went off.”

  “The walls of the school actually shook,” Mumps added.

  “So, that’s your grand plan,” I said sarcastically. “You want me to snort some pepper, set off the fire alarms, and hope it scares away the bad guys. That’s a ridiculous idea.”

  “I think it’s a fabulous idea!” Vivian exclaimed. “But instead of using plain black pepper, Schnoz uses cayenne pepper.”

  “What’s cayenne pepper?” Jimmy asked.

  “It’s super hot, a hundred times more powerful than black pepper. My dad loves spicy food. He uses the stuff to make five-alarm Buffalo wings. If just a little bit of wimpy black pepper can make the walls of the school shake, just imagine what a whole jar of cayenne can do.”

  I paced around the room, index finger tapping my chin, thinking. Vivian was onto something. The sneeze that set off the fire alarm was powerful, kind of like a firecracker going off inside my nose. If the cayenne pepper was a lot stronger it could be like a…

  “A cayenne cannon!” Vivian shouted, as if reading my mind. “Those tanks, guards, and helicopters won’t stand a chance!”

  Everyone cheered. We were all excited to invade the school and blow ECU to kingdom come. Twenty minutes later, after a quick stop at Vivian’s house to raid her cupboards of cayenne, we were standing in the middle of the Denmark Auto Salvage Yard. There were piles of junked cars and trucks as far as the eye could see.

  Vivian pulled out a huge jar of cayenne pepper. “Let’s have a test,” she said. “Snort some of this, point your nose at one of those wrecked eighteen-wheelers, and see what happens.”

  Everyone stood back for safety. I held the jar in front of my nose and huffed with all my breath. The sting of the pepper hit me instantly. It felt like a million tiny razor blades were shooting up my nasal cavity.

  Then it happened.

  A sneeze blasted out of my
nose so hard it split the truck in half and sent the pieces flying across the salvage yard.

  Vivian grabbed the jar of cayenne from my hand and gave me a huge hug.

  “You did it, Schnoz! You’re going to save our town!”

  WARNING!

  Unless your nose has been genetically mutated, DO NOT inhale pepper to make a cayenne cannon. It can be very dangerous for normal humans!

  26

  THE BATTLE BEGINS

  The harness Jimmy sewed together worked great. He even decorated it with a bunch of feathers to make it blend with the turkey buzzard appearance. The lift was rough at first because of the extra weight. TJ, Mumps, and Vivian were fine, but Jimmy’s chunky behind weighed a ton! After a couple false starts, I managed to get enough wind in my nostrils and soar into the clouds.

  The sky was dusky, teetering on the edge of day and night. Two guards now patrolled the roof—probably because of my escape with Vivian the night before. Fortunately, they were on the far side of the school nowhere near the hatch. The guards easily saw me floating in the air, but they didn’t give me a second glance. They must have thought we were nothing but a fat turkey buzzard.

  Vivian and the Not-Right Brothers cautiously crawled from the harness. I unhooked the straps around my back. We were ready for action.

  “You’re going to need these,” Vivian said, handing me six large jars of cayenne pepper.

  I stuffed the weapons into my utility belt and led everyone to the roof hatch. “I hope the guards forgot to lock this last night,” I said and then tugged the handle. It popped right open.

  Vivian and the Not-Right Brothers disappeared down the hatch.

  We had everything planned out. My job was mostly on the outside, disposing of the heavy armor positioned around the school grounds. Vivian and the Not-Right Brothers’ work was on the inside, figuring out how to sabotage the Pumping Floor operation and stop the flow of SPOIL.

  I crept along the edge of the school, assessing the scene. Dozens of armed guards with dogs ringed the perimeter. The attack helicopter sat on its pad like a giant dragonfly. Ten M172 armored flamethrower tanks were poised ready and willing. Another dozen or so Stryker ground combat vehicles rounded out the enemy defenses.

  Fighting them would be extremely dangerous. I prayed I had enough cayenne ammo to finish the job.

  Just as I was about to fly off the roof, a bullet whizzed past my ear.

  “Darn it!” yelled a guard on the ground below me. “Missed that bird by a feather!”

  Another guard yanked out his weapon. “Watch this, Ernie. I’m an expert turkey buzzard hunter. I’ll bring that mangy thing down in one shot.”

  He aimed and fired. The shot missed, but just barely. It nearly took off my beak.

  The battle had begun.

  I grabbed a cayenne jar from my belt, sniffed, and sneezed right at them. The force knocked the guns out of their hands and blew them across the road into the baseball field.

  The commotion alerted the flame-throwing tanks. I flew to the ground, took a quick snort of pepper, and knocked out eight of them right away. The last two were on me fast, red-hot flames puffing from their barrels.

  Before I could react to the tanks, the Stryker combat vehicles were on the move. In a matter of seconds, they had me surrounded. I breathed in some more pepper and took out half the Strykers and another tank. Their metal armor exploded into a thousand scraps, scattering all over the playground.

  The last flame-throwing tank raced in my direction. As I sneezed, the tank fired. My cayenne blast and the tank’s scorching flames collided together. The explosion of heat was so blistering it melted the tank and the rest of the Strykers like crayons inside a microwave.

  My nose hairs were singed, and my cape was on fire. I hit the ground, rolling around to put out the flames. Ground troops raced in my direction. I grabbed a jar of cayenne and started to sniff. That’s when a voice rang out over a loudspeaker.

  “Super Schnoz, stand down your nose!”

  It was Muzzle. I recognized his voice instantly.

  “How do you know my name?” I cried, taking a big whiff of more pepper.

  “I know because your friends told me. They are now my captives. Stand down or you will never see them alive again!”

  I stopped sniffing. My heart raced with panic.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “We have captured your accomplices. Listen to this.”

  Jimmy’s small, terrified voice came over the loudspeaker. “It’s true, Schnoz. They captured us all. Muzzle said if you don’t surrender, he’s going to throw us into the Gates of Smell.”

  Every olfactory receptor in my nasal cavity urged me to fight on. I wanted to sneeze ECU’s army back to the Stone Age, but I couldn’t risk my friends’ lives. If Muzzle was evil enough to pollute every city in America, he would have no problem throwing kids into a pit of dinosaur poop.

  I dropped my cayenne, raised my nose in the air, and surrendered.

  27

  INTERROGATION

  A gang of armed guards tied my hands behind my back and led me into the school. They marched me past the main office and into the school library. I saw Jimmy, Mumps, and TJ tied to chairs, but I didn’t see Vivian anywhere. My friends weren’t wearing gas masks, so ECU must have made the library a SPOIL-free zone just like the teachers’ lounge.

  One of the guards shoved me into a seat beside Jimmy. He held up a pair of scissors. “One sniff out of you, Super Schnoz, and I’ll snip off that snout quicker than you can say nose hair. Got it?”

  I nodded. The guard stuffed the scissors into his belt and walked away.

  When he was out of earshot, I whispered to Jimmy, “Where’s Vivian? Are they interrogating her?”

  “They didn’t catch her,” Jimmy said. “They think we’re the only ones. As far as I know, she’s still roaming the school trying to figure out a way to sabotage the flow of SPOIL.”

  I let out a huge sigh of relief. At least they didn’t get us all.

  The door opened and in walked a man and woman. I overheard a guard address them as Dr. Buggingham and Dr. Muzzle. I could finally see their putrid faces. Buggingham was tall and young. Her skin was as white as a snowball and her eyes were like two sky-blue marbles. Muzzle looked the exact opposite. He was old and wrinkly, with a fake, dark tan and unnaturally white teeth that could probably glow in the dark.

  “Well, it appears we have found your weakness, Super Schnoz,” Muzzle said, an evil grin plastered across his face. “Friendship.”

  “What are you going to do with us?” I barked at him.

  “You’ll know in due time. But first we need to pump some information from you boys.”

  “Who else knows about our operation in the school?” Buggingham interjected.

  “Nobody,” Jimmy said. “It’s just us.”

  Buggingham gritted her teeth and tweaked Jimmy’s earlobes. “I wasn’t talking to you! I was asking Super Schnoz.”

  “The whole world knows about it,” I said. “Homeland Security will be here any moment so you better let us go.”

  Muzzle threw back his head and laughed. “My dear Super Schnoz, you not only have an exceptionally large nose, but also an exceptionally large imagination. To the outside world, ECU is a heroic savior of the environment. A few months ago I received a medal as a Hero of the Russian Federation from their president. We saved the town of Nizhnevartovsk from an environmental disaster.”

  “You didn’t save anybody from anything! I know what you did. You polluted the town on purpose. Most of those people lost everything, and some lost their lives!”

  “And you will lose your life too,” Buggingham said. “Right after we get some information.”

  Muzzle pulled a bird mask with a large beak from a paper bag. I recognized it instantly. It was the one I had forgotten on the stage.

  “One of my guards found this,” Muzzle said, stroking the feathers. “At first, I didn’t know what to make of it. We had emptied the scho
ol of nearly everything, so I figured our men had overlooked it. But now I know perfectly well this mask is yours, isn’t it, Super Schnoz? It was you and one of your friends who posed as scientists and then escaped through the roof hatch. How did you breach our security? It’s the most sophisticated in the world.”

  “I’m not telling you anything!” I spit at him.

  Muzzle yanked off the mask I was wearing. He gently rubbed the bridge of my nose. “Fascinating,” he said. “You’re just a dim-witted juvenile like the rest, probably a student here. I think we are going to keep you alive for a while, my nosy friend. We may have some use for this lethal appendage of yours.”

  Just then the library door flew open. A scientist wearing a gas mask and white lab coat burst into the room.

  “Dr. Buggingham, Dr. Muzzle,” the scientist said, “we need you on the Pumping Floor. There’s an emergency.”

  “Come with us, guards. These insurgents aren’t going anywhere,” Buggingham said as she, Muzzle, and our guards slipped on gas masks and rushed out the door.

  The scientist didn’t budge.

  She just stood at the doorway, staring at us, and then took off her gas mask.

  “Vivian!” I cried out. “I thought I’d never see you again!”

  28

  FREE SODA

  “Quick!” I ordered. “Untie us before they come back!”

  Vivian rushed over and loosened our bonds.

  “They knotted those ropes so tight it was cutting off my circulation,” Mumps said, massaging his hands.

  “Me too,” TJ added. “I thought my arms were going to fall off.”

  I peered out the library door. The hallway was clear, but I knew it wouldn’t be for long.

  “Throw on these gas masks,” I said. “We have to get moving before they come back.”

  “Aren’t you going to wear one too?” Jimmy asked me.