Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

  “Duck, a four letter word for waterfowl.”

  “Oh,” sighed Paddymay.

  Chapter 8 Shallow Sex

  After the attack on Paddy, Obegone sat down on the couch to talk to her. Manikin stood and hovered over Paddy.

  “We must take you to a safer location,” said Obegone to Paddy.

  “I need to be here on the Capital Planet for the senate vote,” said Paddy.

  “Sometimes we must let go of our pride, and do what is needed, except of course in my case,” said Manikin.

  “Yes, Manikin, you do seem to be the exception,” said Obegone. “Paddy, you should go back to Nabiscko.”

  “Oh, Nabiscko, my beloved home planet. I do miss it,” said Paddy wringing her hands. “Alright, I will ready myself for travel.”

  They boarded the Jetti spaceship and blasted off for Nabiscko. Obegone was piloting, after shoving Manikin out of the pilot’s seat.

  “Go help Paddy stow the gear,” said Obegone as he calculated the ship’s warp trajectory. Manikin eagerly sought Paddy in the privacy of the storage closet. Paddy was securing her luggage and the food supplies.

  “Now that we’re alone, I’ve been wanting to ask you something,” said Paddy, turning towards Manikin.

  “Yes, Paddy?” Manikin moved closer to her, as he unconsciously swelled his chest and held his stomach flat, presenting a more manly appearance.

  “You don’t mind a personal question?”

  “Not at all.” Manikin tried to subtly slip a breath mint into his mouth, as he anticipated to soon be kissing Paddy.

  “Well, it’s about your haircut. How did you choose it? I mean, it looks like a 1980s lesbian hairstyle.”

  “It is the Jetti way. Does it turn you on?” Manikin leaned forward his lips nearing Paddy’s lips.

  “I thought Jetti weren’t allowed to love.”

  “We’re supposed to have compassion, so you could say we’re encouraged to love everyone. I’ll start now with you!” Manikin reached for Paddy.

  “Whoops, was that Obegone calling on the intercom? Gotta go!” Paddy slipped out of Manikin’s grasp and hurried towards the cockpit.

  They reached Nabiscko without incident. After landing, they went to Paddy’s childhood vacation home, a lovely estate surrounded by an invisible force wall. Paddy used her thumb on a special DNA reader to let them into the grounds.

  Paddy and Manikin waited in the mansion’s living room, which had French doors leading out to a terrace overlooking a lake. Obegone scouted out the grounds for weak spots an intruder might penetrate. He came back, pleased the estate was well guarded by robot servants who doubled as fighters when needed.

  “You will be safe here for the time being, Queen Alldolla,” said Obegone. “I need to do some investigation into the plot to attack you. If we find out the instigator, we can arrest them to stop the attacks.”

  “You choose a wise course,” said Paddy.

  “I will leave Manikin here to protect you. I will search the bars for informants.”

  Paddy looked at the lust filled Manikin, and regretted saying Obegone had chosen a wise course. She bit her tongue rather than retract her words. Years of being a politician had taught her to sometimes take the course of diplomacy, and also caused her tongue to have many teeth marks. “Be well, Obegone, and return soon.” Paddy held out her hand, which Obegone kissed. He bowed and then left to continue his investigation.

  “I will use the time to work on my speech I will give to the senate when I return,” Paddy said to Manikin.

  Manikin snorted.

  “You don’t like politicians, do you?” said Paddy.

  “Someone should decide the best course and force them to follow it.”

  “Someone, like you?”

  “Of course me.”

  Paddy frowned, and walked through the French doors to the warm red tiled terrace. The robot servants had set an outside table for lunch, but Paddy wasn’t hungry, even though the china was filled with Nabiscko delicacies of waffled vanilla cookies and chocolate covered cookie sticks. Manikin helped himself to a pear from a fruit bowl on the table. Leaning on the stone wall next to the lake, Paddy looked out over the sparkling water.

  “I love the water. We used to play on the beach here,” said Paddy. “We’d sun ourselves on the sand.”

  “I hate sand. It’s coarse, rough, and irritating,” said Manikin.

  Paddy looked pointedly at Manikin. “Coarse and irritating, that sounds familiar.”

  “I like soft and smooth,” Manikin looked at Paddy’s bare shoulders and cleavage that her outfit revealed. He leaned towards her. My sand speech would woo any woman, he thought puckering his mouth into a kiss.

  Paddy pushed past him. Manikin strode angrily after her.

  “From the moment I met you, all those weeks ago, I thought of you every day. Now that I’m with you again, I’m in agony,” said Manikin. “The thought of not being with you, makes it hard to breathe. I am haunted by the kiss, you should have given me. My heart is open and nearly scarred by your withheld love. You are in my very soul, tormenting me.”

  Paddy rolled her eyes. “Much as though I like tormenting you. I can’t date you. It’s just not possible.”

  “Anything is possible,” said Manikin throwing a pear in the air and trying to catch it on his fork. He tried ten times before succeeding and handed it to Paddy. She set the bruised fruit aside, uneaten.

  “I’m studying to be a politician, you’re a ‘no love’ celibate Jetti,” said Paddy. “Let’s be sensible about this.”

  “You are asking me to be rationale. That is something I can’t do,” said Manikin.

  “I know,” said Paddy. “We all know you can’t be rationale.”

  “Oh.” Manikin looked confused for a moment. “Then you do understand me. Well, if we can’t have love, at least we can have shallow sex.”

  “We can’t live like that,” said Paddy.

  “Sure we can!”

  Paddy sighed. “Give it up, Manikin.”

  Manikin straightened his back to his full height. “I will find a way. You WILL love me, Paddy Alldolla.” Paddy stared back, appalled.

  After stalking to his room, Manikin searched the internet for answers how to make Paddy love him, or at least have shallow sex with him.

  “She said she would like tormenting me, hmmm” He plugged “tormenting and love” into the search engine. A stream of kinky websites flowed by on the screen. “That’s it! I understand Paddy now.” Manikin pulled out his credit card and ordered various gear.

  The packages arrived the next day. Manikin quickly hustled them into his bedroom, under the curious eyes of Paddy.

  “What are those?” asked Paddy.

  “You’ll see.”

  Paddy listened at Manikin’s door as she heard various thumps.

  “I’m done!” cried Manikin. He opened the door, stepped outside of his room, but was careful to block Paddy’s view inside. Manikin was covered neck to toe, in a voluminous black cape. “I understand you now, Paddy. I was taking the wrong approach. But now I know what to do.”

  “You do? So you know how I really feel?”

  “Yes, Paddy, you like being in charge.”

  “Of my own life, yes.”

  “You have a ‘take charge’ attitude, so I need to give you control.”

  Paddy looked a bit happier. “Yes, I could stand to have some more control over this situation.”

  “Good! Then you agree?”

  “To what?”

  Manikin ignored Paddy’s question and instead threw his cape off. “Ta-da!”

  Paddy gasped. Manikin was shirtless, and wearing a leather halter that crossed his chest. He wore a leather bikini bottom. Around his neck was a collar with a leash dangling off it.

  “I understand now. You want to be a dominatrix!”

  “A … what … no!” Paddy backed away.

  “Come on Paddy, think about it. You like dominating me. You get a kick out of it.”

&n
bsp; Paddy’s forehead wrinkled in concentration. “Well, I wouldn’t put it that way…”

  “You just need to acknowledge your true feelings.” Manikin moved towards her, and held out his leash. “Take my leash.”

  “No!”

  “Don’t you want to by my dominatrix?”

  “Oh, god, no!”

  “Take my leash!”

  “No! You are so aggressive about being a submissive.” Paddy crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Manikin.

  “I bought you dominatrix boots.” Manikin looked cajolingly at Paddy.

  Paddy showed a glimmer of interest in her eyes.

  “They are thigh high and made by Versacce,” said Manikin in a coy manner.

  “Versacce made them?” Paddy uncrossed her arms.

  Manikin nodded vigorously. “Yes and with Sworeoffski crystals. I saw them in a layout in High Fashion Mag.”

  “High Fashion Mag featured them? They must be the rage of fashion now!” Paddy moved closer.

  “I’ll get them.” Manikin led Paddy into his room, which had been converted into a dungeon. He opened a gold colored box lined with purple tissue. Inside were two long black leather boots with Sworeoffski crystals down the back. Paddy eagerly held her hands out. Manikin laid the boots in her arms. Paddy touched the soft leather to her cheek.

  “Oh, so soft. I’ll try them on.”

  Manikin watched closely as Paddy pulled them over her calves and thighs. He felt a sweat break out on his forehead and his heart rate increased.

  “A perfect fit!” said Paddy. “Is there a mirror in here?”

  “On the ceiling.”

  Paddy gazed upwards and saw her face looking back from the ceiling. “I can’t see the boots in this angle.”

  “Lay on the bed.”

  Paddy sat down on the black satin sheeted bed and stretched out. She turned her legs, crossed and uncrossed them, admiring the look of her legs in the boots.

  Manikin kneeled nearby. “Here Mistress Paddy take my leash and you can keep the boots.”

  “Heck, I’ll take your leash, virginity, anything for these boots.” Paddy stood up.

  Manikin blushed. “How did you know I am a virgin…” Then he stopped talking and handed Paddy the leash.

  Paddy took it uncertainly. “Now what do I do? Make you grovel or something?”

  “Um, yeah, I guess so.”

  “Well worm! Grovel.”

  “Yes mistress!” Manikin tried to arrange a groveling posture. Unfamiliar with any humbleness, he turned to the right then the left trying to figure out a posture. In the darkness of the room, he did not notice the leash getting caught on Paddy’s high heel. He pulled on the leash as he moved, and jerked Paddy’s foot right out from under her. Paddy stumbled backwards and fell onto the bed.

  “Hey! You tripped me.” Paddy sat up and tried to fix her messed up hair. “Well, I took your leash, task completed.” Paddy stormed across the room, at least as well as she could in 9-inch high heels. “And you can forget getting the boots back!” She slammed the door after her.

  Manikin grumbled to himself, thinking about how he’d have to return all the dungeon equipment, and it was so heavy to move.

  “I wonder if I can get my money back?”

  Obegone returned from his investigation. After speaking to 20 disheveled suspicious characters, 15 greedy informants, and one drag queen prostitute, he had only one more clue as to the source of the attacks on Queen Paddy Alldolla. It was good he’d talked to the prostitute, or else he’d have no clue.

  Obegone dropped wearily into a red velvet chair, his worn robes a contrast to the rich fabric. He looked at Manikin. There were dark circles under Manikin’s eyes.

  “Not sleeping well?” said Obegone.

  “No, Master, I didn’t get to sleep with…”

  “You need a nice cup of chamomile tea and a warm bath before bed. That will help you sleep.”

  Not with Paddy, thought Manikin, but in a rare burst of intelligence decided not to tell that to Obegone. “No, it’s those dreams again.”

  “About your mother?”

  “Yes.”

  “Ah, and you think maybe she has been kidnapped, and the farce is telling you about it?”

  “No farce involved. I keep dreaming about when she kept nagging me to clean my room.”

  Although Obegone made Manikin clean the rest of the spaceship, he let Manikin decide the condition of his own room. Obegone pondered the state of Manikin’s room on the starship: half-empty pizza boxes, and dirty socks on the air vent. Obegone shuddered. It’s too bad the farce wasn’t useful for doing housework.

  “She did have a point,” said Obegone staring at Manikin.

  “No way! I do what I want to do. I’m a man.” Manikin thumped his chest.

  “Grasshopper, you need to follow your teacher’s instructions. A master Jetti deserves much respect.”

  “I do respect you. You’re the closest thing to a father for me.”

  “Then why don’t you listen to me more?”

  Manikin snorted. “Oh, heck, I wouldn’t listen to my father either.”

  Paddy teetered into the living room on nine inch heels.

  “Wow! Great boots,” said Obegone, his eyes bugging out. “Those are a dream! We were talking about dreams, about Manikin dreaming his mother had been kidnapped. The farce sometimes tells people what is happening in other parts of the universe through dreams.”

  Paddy came to a precipitous halt in the high heels. Her eyebrows shot upwards.

  “Your mother has been kidnapped?”

  “I just had difficulty sleeping because of dreaming about my mother, she’s not kid…” started Manikin, but stopped as Paddy patted his arm sympathetically.

  “Poor Manikin!” Paddy flung her arms around him and gave him a close hug. “We’ll find her. She will be okay. We must immediately go to your home planet to save her.”

  Manikin wrapped his arms around Paddy and squeezed tight. “Yes, and with your love and support I can make it through this crisis.”

  Chapter 9 Lair of the White Worm

  Obegone, Manikin and Paddy flew to Tattooing. Near sunset, they found the newly redecorated home of Shammey Stywalker. Parked outside was a hover motorcycle that was fit for the coolest of nonconformists. Manikin eyed it with envy, and ran his hand over the bars.

  “Mom said she wanted one of those after reading about it in one of her dating books. She said it would improve her image, make her look young and wild. Said she’d get one when I moved out and she had more money. Jokes on you, mom, I’ll find the keys for it!”

  Obegone and Paddy exchanged looks.

  “Aren’t we supposed to be looking for your kidnapped mom?” said Paddy, surprised at Manikin’s lack of concern.

  “Mom?” said Manikin barging into the house without knocking. Inside was Lucy, a next door neighbor, who was supposed to be watering the plants. Instead she was reading Shammey’s book “Hot leads to Hot Lovers,” and wondering if Shammey kept a juicy diary.

  “Hi Lucy, where’s mom?”

  Lucy reluctantly closed the book after carefully bookmarking a particularly explicit section. “I’m sorry to tell you Manikin, but your mother was carried off by the sand people.”

  Manikin’s eyes flew open in alarm. Who would support him in his old age--and middle and young age?

  “We must save her!” said Manikin Stywalker. He grabbed the hover bike keys off the dining room table, and went galloping off, heedless of the fact that everyone else stayed put. Manikin threw his leg over the sky-chopper hover bike, and roared off into the sunset.

  “Shouldn’t we follow him?” said Paddymay.

  “Let him find his own,” Obegone paused dramatically, “DESTINY.”

  “Like him being killed without us to back him up?”

  “If that is his—DESTINY!” shouted Obegone.

  Lucy and Paddy covered their ears. Obegone quieted as a sudden realization hit him. He wondered why Manikin had been havi
ng nightmares about his mother, around the same time she had been kidnapped. He shook his head to let go of any horrifying thought that Manikin might really have some connection to the powers of the farce.

  Manikin sped through the craggy red canyons, heedless of the beauty and splendor before him.

  “I’ll save you mother,” he shouted to the wind. The wind rudely didn’t answer. Manikin continued past rolling dunes until he came to a small town. Not remembering seeing that town on the map, because he hadn’t looked on a map before taking off, he simply drove through the town. He then continued past rolling dunes, and through craggy red canyons, until he came to the same town again. He drove through it again. Still driving through craggy red canyons, and past rolling sand dunes and shouting “I’ll save you mother” into the wind, which still didn’t answer, he drove through the town again. He stopped at the local gas station, but realized he was male (which he hadn’t really contemplated before) so he didn’t ask for directions. However, he did use the force to pilfer a map.

  “I’ll save you mother,” he shouted again into the wind, and wished he had also used the force to get a cool soda while at the gas station.

  In the distance, Manikin saw a cloud of dust. As he sped nearer, he realized it was a giant worm—a great white worm. Heedless of the danger, he put on a burst of speed, and was rewarded with a face full of sand.

  “Arrrrggghhh!” he screamed, unable to see, and rammed into the side of a dune. He caused an impressive wave of sand to spray outward, as he tumbled, head over heels down the side of the dune.

  He spit out the sand, and wiped his eyes, which felt like wiping his face with fine grit sandpaper, the kind you get at a local hardware store, not at the cheap mega-store chains. When he could see again, his eyes fell on the biggest worm he’d ever seen, bigger than the Fffttpps of Inccan planet, bigger than the dinosaurs of Paleoworld, bigger than all the debts owed to Jabya-the-Hot. And on the front of this monstrous beast was a rider.

  “The sand people!”

  Manikin leapt to his feet, recovered his bike, and followed the creature to the lair of the great white worm and the sand people. The village lay near the mouth of the giant worm lair. A huge butchered carcass of a worm lay nearby. Over smoking fires, worm jerky was being dried. Darkness had fallen. With his hypersenses, he could detect the smell of frying worm fat, unwashed sand people, belching and farting after an appetizer of worm cocktails, and finally he smelled what he was hoping to find, his mother’s cheap perfume.