Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

  Stealthily, Manikin jumped from rock to rock, until he located the source of the perfume smell--a small hut made of worm hide. He could hear his mother’s heavy breathing within. Outside, sand people shuffled about. A man strode arrogantly from the hut. He stank from the worn worm leather outfit he wore. His hair was greasy and styled with worm fat pompadour.

  “Stay there.” he laughed evilly looking back into the open doorway. Sticking his thumbs in his worm hide belt, he swaggered off.

  Manikin instantly despised the look of the man. Manikin quieted his heated thoughts and assessed the situation coolly. He could quietly enter from the back of the hut, by cutting a hole with his light saber, or he could just cut a swath of death through the sand people.

  “Die you scum sucking, uh, worm sucking pigs,” he screamed as he leapt out, swinging his saber with the expertise taught him by Obegone, and missed every single person. The sand people scurried away, eyes bulging with terror. “Ha, ha, ha, ha.” He cried, then ran into the hut.

  “Mother!” Shammey, Manikin’s mother, her hair tousled, she bent over a cooking pot, making healthy chicken worm soup.

  “Manikin, what are you doing here? I thought I palmed you off on that Jetti Knight!”

  “I’m back to save you.”

  “Save me?”

  “Yes, your only son, conceived immaculately, is the chosen one!” Manikin said as his mother Shammey slumped to the worm hide covered floor. “I have attacked all the evil Sand People and driven them away.”

  “Chosen one? You drove my boyfriend Lugmer away! A lot of good you’ve done me. You’ve driven away my only decent partner in ten years. Some chosen one.” She put her hand to her forehead. “What will the sand people think of me now? I’ll never get invited to the good parties. They’ll say, ‘You’re the one with the crazy son who chases us with swords.‘ Oh, god, this is so embarrassing. I just want to die!”

  “You mean I’m too late and you will now dramatically expire, leaving me a bitter orphan, insecure, weak of nature and vulnerable to the dark side?” said Manikin with a tinge of hope.

  “No, of course not. Where do you get these wild ideas? You act just like your father.”

  “I thought I was an immaculate conception!”

  “Look I was drunk in a bar…oh yes, immaculate conception. I meant your father the wind and the stars.” Shammey smiled lopsidedly. She patted Manikin’s hand. “Look, dear why don’t you run along. I have things to do.”

  “But I’m rescuing you!”

  “I’m fine dear. They treat me well here.”

  “Treat you well--not that brute who stumbled out of here!”

  “These things happen, dear, you’ll understand when you’re older. I’m in love with Lugmer. I live with him here.”

  “That barbarian who left the hut?”

  “Yes.”

  “How could you love him!” spat out Manikin.

  “He rings my bell dear. We’re going to be married and he will be your stepfather. If you apologize and behave, you can live here and eat worm meat. It’s very good with ketchup. Now run along and play with your Jetti friends. Lugmer will return with white worm wine. Treat the Sand people well, as you will have to please your Sandman stepfather and follow his orders.”

  “Noooooo!” raged Manikin. He ran from the tent with his eyes blazing and light saber swinging.

  “Manikin, you’re okay!” shouted Paddy, running forward, arms outstretched to Manikin as he alighted from his hover bike. He had returned, covered in dust, from the lair of the sand people. “Where’s your mother?”

  “As far as I’m concerned, my mother is dead to me.”

  “Oh, poor Manikin, your mother is dead.” Paddy gently touched his shoulder. She looked into his angst filled eyes. “There’s something else, isn’t there?”

  “I killed them all, or at least tried to. The body count was horrible.” It was zero, thought Manikin. He should pay more attention to Obegone’s light saber lessons.

  “You killed all of them, including the women and children?”

  “Yes.” Manikin held his fingers crossed behind his back as he lied, figuring it didn’t count as a lie then.

  “Oh, poor boy.” Paddy patted his shoulder.

  “Aren’t you angry?” asked Manikin.

  “No, of course not, Manikin. Can I get you some dinner?”

  “Shouldn’t you be angry at me for committing genocide? Isn’t that a bad thing to do?”

  “None of us are perfect, Manikin, why just the other day, I couldn’t remember where I put my spaceship keys.”

  “So you don’t mind if I do mass killing again in the future, like to Jetti younglings or to an entire planet with a death star gun?”

  “Sometimes we have to do things wrong repeatedly before we learn to do something right.”

  “Aren’t you afraid I’ll burn in Hell for it?”

  “No Manikin, you can confess one second before you die and go to heaven, right after a melodramatic scene with your long lost son.”

  “Wow, this is a great belief system!” said Manikin. “I can go on killing and pillaging, and repent right before I croak.”

  “It’s a wonderful world,” said Paddy with a smile.

  Chapter 10 Escape

  “I have to go. I’m meeting with a transvestite prostitute,” announced Obegone, as he packed his small Jetti issued bag.

  Paddy coughed and then tried to regain her Queenly dignity. “H-have a good time.”

  “No, you don’t understand.”

  "Of course I do,” said Paddy with a strained smile. “I’m not judgmental on these things.”

  “This is the prostitute that had the clue about the attacks on you. She--he gave me coordinates to the location of the group planning the attacks.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’m flying to the planet to check out the story.” Obegone stuffed his good luck coin into the outer pocket of the bag. “Manikin will stay here alone with you for protection.”

  Paddy grabbed Obegone’s arm. “Alone? You’re leaving me alone with Manikin? I mean, you’re going alone to this dangerous planet? I’m coming with you.”

  Obegone shook his head. “It’s too dangerous. They have been planning attacks on you.”

  “I insist. Really, it’s no bother. I’ll be packed in a jiffy.”

  The planet of Hivor was populated with a variety of species. The dominant species was a giant insect population. They lived in hive like buildings that were honeycombed with cells that functioned as rooms. They were a prosperous race that sold every conceivable honey product—honey ice cream, honey pancakes, honey liverwurst and many other culinary delights.

  The meeting with Harvee Wallbanger, the drag queen, was at the center room of a hexagon of hive shaped buildings. They were to meet in a ballroom in the largest of the hives. Paddy decided she should dress up to meet the transvestite prostitute, in case the transvestite dressed better than Paddy’s usual clothes. Paddy wore the Versacce boots with the Sworeoffski crystals.

  "What is this place? It looks like a party is going on,” said Paddy as they alighted from a hover taxi. She was glad she had dressed up, but she eyed the worn Jetti robes on Obegone and Manikin, and wondered if she should ditch them shortly after entering the party.

  “According to the ship’s records, this is called the Royal Grand Ballroom,” said Obegone. He noticed Paddy’s looks at the Jetti robes. “Fear not, a Jetti is prepared for every contingency.” Obegone pulled a black bow tie from a hidden pocket in his robe. He fixed it around his neck like he was wearing a tuxedo, and tossed one to Manikin, who did the same. “There, now we are in formal Jetti attire. We wear these at the Jetti ‘True Love Waits Forever’ celibacy dances.”

  “Hmmm,” was Paddy’s only comment, and she decided to admire the ballroom instead of looking at the Jetti. The ballroom looked like a giant hive made of crystal. Candles reflected off the many surfaces, giving a warm glow to a structure that could have seemed cold in its beauty. Col
orful costumed creatures from all over the galaxy swayed to the music made from a band of human sized grasshoppers rubbing their legs together. It sounded eerily like violins.

  Manikin made a beeline for the buffet table. He returned, licking on a honey and spinach ice cream cone. “Here try some, Paddy.” He held out the cone to her, pleased with the thought of her mouth being where his mouth had just been.

  Paddy looked at the spinach and ice cream mixture. “No thanks.”

  The crowd applauded as the grasshopper band finished a song. Then elaborate double doors at the other end of the room opened and a hush fell over the crowd.

  Through the doors walked an insect wearing a deep blue coat and tails. He thumped a large carved staff.

  “Hear ye, Hear ye. Make way for Queen Regina Honeyius Maximus.”

  A red carpet was unrolled over the crystalline floor. An insect a head taller than the rest swept in. She was clothed in red velvet and ermine robes. On her head was a crown carved from a single crystal, shining like hundreds of diamonds.

  A gasp ran through the crowd at the splendor of the Queen. Paddy herself wished she had such a crown. As the Queen walked the red carpet, people gracefully bowed, and the bows moved like a wave through the crowd. Everyone in the room bowed, except Obegone, Paddy and Manikin. Obegone struck his stately monk’s pose and inclined his head towards the Queen. Paddy as a Queen herself, was forbidden to bow to another Queen, as that implied her people were subjects of the foreign Queen. Manikin was just clueless, and was eating more of the ice cream, like this was a 3D movie he was watching with an insect Queen in it.

  The insect Queen stopped in front of Paddy and the Jetti, and eyed them coldly, with her multifaceted eyes.

  At that moment, Manikin decided to insist Paddy eat the spinach ice cream. “Try it, you’ll like it.” Manikin pressed the cone to Paddy’s mouth.

  “Not now, Manikin,” Paddy swatted his hand away with too much force. The cone sailed through the air and into the face of the insect Queen. It spattered ice cream and spinach all over her face and royal robes.

  “Oh, my Queen!” The courtier with the staff rushed forward with a handkerchief to mop the Queen’s face.

  Paddy’s mouth dropped into a big “O” shape and she wondered if she should blame herself or Manikin for this disaster.

  As ice cream and spinach dripped off her face, the Queen lifted her hand to point one exoskeleton bony finger at Paddy and the Jetti. “You do not bow. You throw food at me. You insult me and my people. Seize them!”

  Obegone shoved his hand into his robe to grab his light sword. Seeing the movement with his compound eyes, the insect courtier swung his staff downward onto Obegone’s head. Obegone collapsed to the floor. A swarm of insect guards flooded the room and surrounded Paddy and Manikin.

  “Your majesty, this is a mistake. It was an accident,” said Paddy as hard insect guard fingers curled around her arms.

  “An accident, eh, and who are you?” sneered the Queen, crossing four of her arms across her chest.

  “I am Queen Alldolla, from the planet Nabiscko.”

  “Queen? Queen! There is room for only one Queen here. Me! Take them to the arena!”

  An angry murmur ran through the crowd. “They disrespect the Queen! They disrespect our planet. Upstarts! Scoundrels!”

  The insect courtier kneeled. “Yes my Queen, it shall be done.” He stood up and snapped his fingers. “Take them to the arena and chain them to the pillars.” The guards began pulling Manikin and Paddy away, and half dragged the groggy Obegone.

  “No, please! It’s a mistaken,” said Paddy struggling with the guards. “Obegone, wake up and fight.”

  “Wait!” said the insect Queen, holding up one hand. Paddy and Manikin looked towards the Queen, and hoped she would be lenient.

  “Yes my Queen.” The courtier and guards halted.

  “I have one more question for these scoundrels.” The Queen moved towards Paddy, her hand outstretched menacingly. Paddy squirmed in the iron grip of the insect guards.

  The Queen halted just inches away from Paddy--so close that Paddy could see herself reflected hundreds of times in the faceted eyes of the insect Queen. The skeletal like hand reached for Paddy and Paddy shivered with fear.

  “Where did you get these darling boots?” said the insect Queen touching the soft leather top of the boots. “I must have them.”

  “Oh, Manikin gave them to me. They were in High Fashion Mag”

  “Mmmmm,” hummed the insect Queen, looking at the back of the boots. “And they have crystals too. That would match my crown.” The Queen stood up, one finger tapping her jaw, as she looked Paddy up and down. “But you need a new manicure. Those boots don’t go with your nail polish. Too bad. Take them to the arena!”

  Paddy and Manikin were handcuffed and placed in a cart on a hillside above the arena. Paddy looked down in horror. Inside, the arena teemed with thousands of winged insects, calling for their blood.

  “Don’t be afraid,” said Manikin.

  “I’m not afraid,” said Paddy. She was actually looking at her nails, not the arena. The insect Queen was right! Her shade of nail polish did not go with her boots…or the handcuffs.

  The insect guard rolled the cart through the tall gates of the arena, and towards three tall stone pillars in the center.

  “Since we are about to die,” said Manikin looking intensely at Paddy. “Don’t you want to confess your love for me? That you’ve been dying a little each day, knowing that, as a Jetti, I cannot be with you?”

  “Oh, god no!” Paddy’s eyes widened with horror. “Can’t this cart go any faster?” said Paddy to the insect guard.

  The sympathetic insect guard sped up the cart. In the center of the arena, Obegone was chained to one of the pillars. Guards led Paddy and Manikin to the remaining pillars. Unnoticed by the guard, Paddy pulled a small laser switchblade from her belt and popped it into her mouth. Paddy and Manikin’s wrists were put into chains on the two remaining pillars. The insect crowd roared, or more accurately, vibrated their wings in a huge, annoying sound.

  “Where’s a giant fly swatter when you need it?” growled Obegone, his head pounding from the blow by the staff of the insect courtier.

  Iron gates ringed the arena. With a sickening creak, three gates rose upwards and three horrifying creatures shuffled forward into the light--one was a cross between an alligator and a praying mantis, a second monster looked like a mutant rhino, and last came a neurotic Chihuahua.

  Paddy turned on the laser switchblade with her tongue, a skill she had learned on dates in college, and calmly sliced through her handcuffs. She pulled her hands free in one quick movement.

  “Over here, Paddy,” called Obegone seeing her freed from the chains.

  “Yes, free Obegone first, as he is older and more vulnerable,” said Manikin, as Paddy rushed passed him to free Obegone. In a moment, she had cut Obegone free. They turned to run for the exit.

  “Now, Paddy, you can free me,” said Manikin, standing there waiting with faux patience. Obegone and Paddy continued to run towards the exit. “Paddy?” said Manikin, watching the receding backs of Obegone and Paddy. “I’m sure you’re running to get reinforcements? Right? You’re not just leaving me to the monsters?”

  There was no answer as Paddy and Obegone, with the mutant rhino at their heels, dove through the nearest exit.

  Damn, thought Manikin. She didn’t hear me. And her nail polish really doesn’t match her boots.

  The alligator-praying mantis creature stuck its head into the stands where fleeing insects had just sat. It knocked over a hot dog vendor, and began eagerly swallowing whole hot dogs in one gulp.

  The neurotic Chihuahua ran up to Manikin, and began barking in shrill yaps.

  “Go away,” yelled Manikin. The dog bit into Manikin’s ankle. “Ouch! Let go!” He shook his leg, but the dog had latched firmly onto his ankle.

  The Insect Queen had fled the arena, along with her subjects. She ran to the ne
arest interstellar phone booth, and placed a call, reversing the charges.

  A face hidden in shadow appeared on the view screen.

  “Lord Insidious, I bring you bad news. The Jetti and Queen Paddymay have escaped!” said the Insect Queen.

  “Send Count Dracula after them. And stop reversing the charges on phone calls. I must maintain my anonymity at all costs.”

  A janitor opened the closet door, and switched on the light. Insidious’ face became immediately illuminated. He grabbed a nearby mop head, and threw it over his head to hide his face.

  “Do it, Now!” Insidious said as he peered through the mop strands.

  “Yes, Evil Lord, mop head. It shall be done!” The Insect Queen saluted with a wing to her forehead.

  “Give me my mop back,” said the janitor. “I need to mop the showers.”

  Chapter 11 Twilight of the Jetti

  “Let’s get on the troop carrier,” said Paddy as they ran from the arena. They had spotted a nearby human troop carrier, practicing military maneuvers.

  “I’m Queen Alldolla, of Nabiscko. This is my guard,” said Paddy, indicating Obegone. “We need a ride. May we board?” Paddy batted her eyelashes at the men aboard the carrier.

  Obegone gathered his farce powers and used it to add to Paddy’s charm.

  “You want Queen Alldolla and me to board,” said Obegone.

  “Sure, thing, ma-am,” smiled a soldier looking into Paddy’s sweet face. “You and your guard are welcome.”

  Paddy and Obegone hopped onto the carrier. There were no doors, just open sides on the vehicle. As the carrier was rising into the air, a figure came running from the direction of the arena. He leapt into the air, grabbing onto the floor of the vehicle. His legs dangled in the air, and attached to one ankle was a Chihuahua.