Kisses to Remember

by Christine DePetrillo

  “Get in that cockpit, kid,” Ted said. “Kam’s lost a lot of blood.”

  Holden ran to the front of the plane, pulled up the ladder, and closed the hatch. He disappeared into the cockpit and in a few minutes, the plane’s engine roared to life.

  Johanna moved Sabrina’s body though it made her want to vomit to do so. A pulse still beat erratically in Sabrina’s neck, but her body already felt like a corpse as Johanna maneuvered it against a seat. When she finished securing Sabrina, she sat next to Ted and pulled Kam’s feet into her lap.

  “Hang on, baby. Don’t leave us.” She leaned against Ted as he held Kam’s T-shirt to the gunshot wound.

  My baby has been shot. The thought made her stomach lurch.

  Her stomach felt even worse as the plane rolled across her field and took off into the sky. She glanced at Sabrina’s distorted face then to the cockpit.

  “How do we know he’s going to take us to a hospital, Ted? He said he didn’t remember us. He kissed her. Said they were lovers.”

  “What makes more sense, Johanna? That he wants to be with that,” he waved a hand at Sabrina who looked absolutely horrific at the moment, “or he wants you?”

  “We’ve seen the illogical happen before, Ted.” She looked at Kam. “We’ve also lost a child before.” She couldn’t stop the tears from pouring out. “He’s so pale. What if he doesn’t make it?” She’d die right alongside Kam. She couldn’t live without him.

  “Shhh,” Ted soothed. “We’re not going to lose him. He knows we need him.”

  During the ride, Kam woke up a few times, mumbled unintelligibly, then passed out again. Johanna had gotten towels from the bathroom to press to his wound. How much blood could a little boy lose and still live? She remembered donating blood when Kallie was in the hospital, but it had been too late for her.

  Please, don’t be too late for Kam.

  “We’re about to land,” came Holden’s voice from the cockpit. “Strap yourselves in as best you can. I’ve called for two ambulances to meet us at the airfield.”

  Johanna shot a look at Sabrina. She hadn’t stirred once. From the looks of her, she wouldn’t stir ever again. Johanna never expected to feel relief over someone’s death, but this woman had put Kam in danger. She deserved no sympathy.

  The plane landed and Holden opened the hatch. After lowering the ladder, he rushed to the back of the cabin and gathered Kam from Ted’s lap. Cradling the boy against his chest, he said, “Everything’s going to be all right. You’ll be playing with Legos and pining for Christina Darren in no time.”

  He spun around and hurried to the hatch where EMTs were boarding. Holden passed Kam to one and pointed another one to Sabrina.

  “I released epinephrine into her neck,” he said. “I think she’s dead.”

  He grabbed Johanna’s hand and guided her to the ladder after her son, then another EMT helped Ted down. Miles was carried out last. Kam was placed on a gurney and shuffled into one of the waiting ambulances. Johanna climbed in next to him, answered questions about what had happened and his medical history.

  As the doors to the ambulance closed, she caught sight of Holden and Ted talking to a police officer. Before the doors were sealed, Holden mouthed the words I love you.

  She wanted to believe him. Looking at Kam’s little body on the gurney, blood-soaked towels still pressed to his chest, she had to believe Holden. She needed him to lean on, to keep her from falling to pieces, to be there if Kam didn’t make it. She couldn’t do this alone. Not again.

  “Mom…” Kam’s dark eyes fluttered open.

  “Right here, baby. I’m right here.” She took his hand and squeezed it in hers.

  “My shoulder burns.” His voice was weak and his eyes closed again.

  “We’re going to fix you up,” the EMT said as he slipped an IV into Kam’s arm. “You rest, okay, buddy?”

  Kam nodded and his hand went slack in Johanna’s. She darted her eyes to his chest, making sure it still rose and fell, that her boy still breathed, that the cruel universe had not taken him from her.

  “The hospital is right around the corner.” The other EMT rubbed Johanna’s forearm with a latex-gloved hand. “The man that called us said he’d meet us there.”

  She wanted Holden to be there, and yet…

  Johanna didn’t take her eyes off Kam’s chest. She was afraid if she did, he’d stop breathing, stop fighting, stop living. He’d leave her here, childless, broken, alone. How would she ever face the years ahead of her without him? Kam was the nucleus around which she revolved. If she hadn’t had him, the loss of Kallie, Alex’s arrest, and the divorce would have totally crushed her. She only managed to soldier on because of Kam. He’d needed her to be strong, to keep it together so he could have something of a life. He’d needed his mother, and she’d done the best she could.

  And yet somehow, we’ve ended up in this situation. She was riding in an ambulance with a hole blown through her baby’s shoulder. She’d been on the target side of a gun herself today. A woman got stabbed with an Epi-pen. The man she loved said he didn’t remember her.

  Johanna had had some wretched days in her past, but this one was award winning, and she had only one person to blame.

  Herself.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Over here,” Ted said as he took a right toward the hospital waiting room.

  Holden skidded to a halt beside Ted as his gaze fell upon Johanna. She sat in a chair, bent at the waist with her head resting on her knees. She looked lost. Small. Alone.

  Am I too late?

  The police had taken him and Ted aside at the airfield. He’d had to answer questions about Sabrina because he had, in fact, taken her life with that Epi-pen jab. He unloaded the entire story starting with what he and Vaughn had discovered about DE being involved in weapons manufacturing. Although he had no physical proof himself, he gave the names and last locations of Claus and Eli and Aaron. Someone would talk. Someone would rat out Sabrina and Donovan Electronics in exchange for immunity.

  Ted had corroborated Holden’s claims, and finally the police had agreed to let them go to the hospital.

  “Johanna.” Holden’s voice was still scratchy, but she looked up at the sound of her name.

  Ted’s crutches clacked on the tiled floor as he maneuvered around Holden and went to Johanna. As soon as he lowered beside her, she started crying. Her shoulders shook as Ted pulled her close and rubbed her back.

  Holden froze where he was in the middle of the waiting room. He prepared himself—unsuccessfully—for hearing Kam was gone. His eyes stung with unshed tears and swallowing was a near impossibility.

  This is your fault, his mind berated. Sabrina came here because of you.

  “He’s in surgery,” Johanna managed to say between sobs.

  Holden let out a breath. Surgery was better than what he’d been thinking. He dropped to his knees in front of Johanna and rested his hands on the arms of her chair.

  “I’m so sorry, Johanna. I tried to get back to Nebraska as fast as I could, but Sabrina had a head start.” Would she ever forgive him? Could she?

  “It’s not your fault, Holden,” she said, sniffling back more tears. “It’s mine.”

  “What?” Ted and Holden asked together.

  “How is any of this your fault?” Ted scrunched up his nose.

  “I lost my focus.” Johanna inspected her clasped hands in her lap. “For three years, it’s just been me and Kam.” She looked at Ted and took his hand. “And you. We were doing okay, right?”

  “Sure,” Ted said. “Sure we were, sweetheart, but—”

  Johanna held up a hand. “No. I should have listened to you, Ted. You said we shouldn’t bring a stranger into the house. You were right.”

  Stranger. The word hit Holden squarely in the chest. Arguments spun around in his head, but none made it out of his mouth. While she was wrong in blaming herself, she was correct in thinking she should have stayed away from him. Had he known his presence would ha
ve brought this suffering to the Wares, he would never have allowed Johanna to take him in. He’d been confused, his memory a muddled mess, but most of all he’d been selfish. Selfish to insert himself in the lives of these people, to attempt to call them his own. He hadn’t earned them. He’d only hurt them.

  Slowly, he rose to his feet. Looking at Ted, he said, “I’m going to get a room at the hotel across the street. Please call when you get word on Kam. I’ll take Miles with me. You can pick him up when you’re able to.”

  Ted looked at Johanna who was staring at the floor, tears still sliding down her cheeks. Glancing up at Holden, he said, “I’ll walk you out. Be right back, Johanna.” He squeezed her arm then hoisted himself up on the crutches.

  He led Holden to the corridor outside the waiting room. “She needs some time, kid.”

  Holden shook his head. “No. I need to go. Kam never would have been near a psycho like Sabrina if it weren’t for me. Promise you’ll call and let me know how he is. I have to know.” He swallowed with difficulty and ended up coughing.

  “Maybe you ought to get checked out yourself. That bitch did a number on your neck. It’s already bruising.”

  “I’m okay.” My heart hurts far worse than my neck. Nothing a doctor can do about that.

  “You’re not okay.” Ted rested a hand on Holden’s shoulder. “If Johanna is there and you’re all the way over here, you’re not okay. Neither of you are. I’ve seen the two of you together, Holden. Johanna and Alex didn’t have half of what you guys have. My son fucked up. Lost an amazing woman. Don’t make the same mistake. Don’t give up. Don’t give her up.”

  Holden didn’t say anything. He merely extended his hand and shook Ted’s. With a final glance at Johanna sitting alone in the waiting room, he turned and went to the rental car he’d driven to the hospital. Miles barked as soon as Holden came into view. Letting the dog out, Holden crossed the street without looking both ways and almost got flattened by a pickup truck. The furious beeping of the driver never reached his ears. He entered the hotel, requested a room, and climbed the stairs to the third floor with Miles walking along beside him.

  After pushing the keycard into the door lock, Holden sat on the end of the king-sized bed in the room. Everything was neat and tidy. So unlike his life right now. He was a garbage bag full of shit. He flopped back onto the hotel bed and stared at the ceiling tiles above him. Miles climbed onto the bed and rested his head on Holden’s stomach.

  Rubbing the dog’s head, Holden remembered being happy just a few days ago. Happy with Johanna and Kam. How could one woman like Sabrina manage to take all that away? He had never intended to kill anyone, but picturing Kam in surgery made the remorse vanish. Hopefully, wherever Vaughn was now, he agreed with Holden’s use of his Epi-pen. Vindication.

  Rolling to his side and taking a corner of the bedspread with him, Holden curled up with Miles by his side and closed his eyes. God, his neck and throat hurt. He’d just rest for a few and wait for Ted to call. He willed the news to be good. Kam was a fantastic kid and fantastic kids didn’t die. They just didn’t.

  And you don’t let fantastic women slip through your fingers either. But he had no choice. Johanna no longer wanted him and with good reason. He’d endangered those precious to her. He’d risked her life.

  He had to let her go.

  ****

  The waiting room clock ticked loudly. Johanna was tired of watching the second hand make its laborious journey past each little mark. She hated how she kept glancing to the door at the far end of the room—the door that would sooner or later reveal a doctor with news. News about her only child. Her only true family. Why was she always on the other side of doors? Doors at the prison, doors at the hospital, doors that separated her from happiness.

  “You want something to drink?” Ted nudged her with his elbow. Since coming back from walking Holden out, he’d repositioned another chair across from him to elevate his casted leg. He’d paged through every magazine on the small table beside him. He’d periodically given Johanna consoling squeezes, but she could tell the walls were closing in on him.

  “Sure.” One word was all she could manage and even that had taken a colossal effort.

  With a pat on her knee, Ted rose to his crutches and click-clacked out of the waiting room. A woman grabbed his arm before he could turn toward the cafeteria. Nurse Nancy. She glanced at Johanna and sent a solemn smile. Ted conversed with her briefly, then Nancy headed for the waiting room while Ted ambled down the corridor.

  Nancy sat beside Johanna. “Ted told me about Kam. I’ll see what I can find out, dear.”

  “Thanks.” Again, longer sentences were an impossibility. Johanna was hollow inside. Nothing more than flesh covering bones. She was vaguely aware of Nancy leaving the waiting room. What was taking so long? How much work was it to sew up a gaping hole in a child’s shoulder? Were there complications? Had Kam lost too much blood? Was he already…

  Johanna hugged herself to stop the shaking, but it was no use. Her body trembled as if she had been sitting in a freezer for hours. Goosebumps raised the skin on her thighs, and she ran her hands over them. So cold. She remembered feeling like this when Kallie had been killed. This incredible ice had hardened in her veins. Glaciers had settled in her stomach. A constant chill slithered along her spine.

  Does this mean Kam is gone too?

  She shot to her feet and paced the length of the waiting room, willing the blood to flow, to heat her body, to make the doctor or Nurse Nancy appear with some tidbit of information. She felt as if she were going crazy. Unraveling. Thread by thread. She shook her hands out, trying to slough off the numbness. Her breaths were coming in quick inhales that never got fully exhaled. Spots danced before her eyes. Her ears roared.

  “Johanna!”

  Why is Ted in a tin can? Why is it getting so dark in the room? Who’s pressing on my chest?

  The tiled floor raced up at her. Smack.

  “Shit!” Ted’s casted foot filled her blurry vision. “Nancy! Come help me!”

  Another set of feet came into view. Then some knees. Then the ceiling. Holy Hell, those lights are bright.

  “She’s awake,” Nancy said. “Panic attack. Let’s get her to a bed.”

  “No.” Johanna sat up slowly with Nancy’s help. “I need to wait here. I need to be here.”

  “She’s so pale,” Ted said.

  “I’m always pale, Ted.” Johanna rubbed her eyes, trying to dispel the fog.

  “True, but you don’t usually drop to the floor like that, sweetheart.”

  “Get me into a seat,” she said to Nancy.

  Nancy nodded and guided Johanna to her feet. Moving slowly, the nurse had a delicate touch as she escorted Johanna to a chair and helped her lower into it.

  “Drink this.” Ted handed her a bottle of water, which he’d already uncapped.

  Johanna took the bottle, but her hands shook so much she spilled a few plops onto her lap. Nancy pried the water out of Johanna’s grip and put the bottle on a nearby table.

  “Honey, you have to breathe with me, okay? In and out. In and out.” Nancy exaggerated her inhales and exhales and took Johanna’s hands in hers. “Come on. You can do it.”

  Johanna followed Nancy’s instructions, taking a deep breath in and letting it out slowly. Nancy released Johanna’s hands and pressed her fingers to Johanna’s temples, gently massaging in a circular motion. Gradually, Johanna’s heart settled in her chest. The shaking subsided. Her vision cleared.

  “I want some of that,” Ted said.

  Nancy chuckled. “I’ll take care of you later.” She winked, and Ted gave her a big smile though his eyes still held oceans of worry.

  “I’m okay.” Johanna patted Ted’s arm. “I just…I don’t know…I just…”

  “Panicked,” Nancy said. “It happens, honey.” She held up the water bottle. “Think you’re ready for this now?”

  Johanna nodded and took the bottle again. She gulped it until it was only a third ful
l.

  “There we go.” Nancy set the bottle back on the table. “Now, I’m told Kam’s still in surgery, but they’re about to wrap up. We should be hearing from the doctor any time now.”

  Johanna slumped back in her chair. News. She’d have news soon. She puffed out a breath of air and gathered her hair into a loose ponytail. She didn’t want the doctor to appear and find she’d come completely unglued. She had to get it together. For Kam. Always for Kam.

  “Thank you, Nancy.”

  “No problem.” Nancy swiveled her head around the waiting room. “Where’s that handsome fellow of yours?” She offered Johanna a devilish smile.

  “He had to step out,” Ted answered. “Why don’t we step out for a minute and let Johanna finish collecting herself?”

  “I don’t think we should leave her alone, Ted.” Nancy frowned.

  “I’ll be fine. Go ahead.” Johanna motioned to the door.

  Reluctantly, Nancy followed Ted. Johanna caught some of their conversation.

  …blames herself…

  He blames himself…

  …both idiots…

  …hope for the best…

  Johanna leaned her head back and closed her eyes. Hope for the best. What a stupid saying. How could she hope for the best when the best meant Kam hadn’t gotten shot? He had. There’d be no pretending he hadn’t. She also couldn’t fantasize that she could be with Holden. That she could enjoy happiness with a man. That she could spend the rest of her days loving him and being loved.

  The best simply wasn’t something she could have. She’d go back to her “good enough” life.

  Twenty minutes later, the doctor came out. Ted and Nancy sat on either side of Johanna and each of them grabbed one of her hands. Nancy pushed to the end of her seat. Ted hefted his leg off the chair in front of him. Johanna couldn’t move a stinking muscle. She was paralyzed as the doctor walked toward her.

  Breathe in and out. In and out. She didn’t want to lose it again.

  “Mrs. Ware,” the doctor began.

  Johanna wanted a remote control. Something to turn up the volume on the doctor and lower the buzzing in her ears.