Swallow Me Whole: A Friends To Lovers Romance

by Gemma James

  I nod, but doubt plagues me. “I need you to make me.”

  He raises a brow. “Are you sure? Because making you swallow my load is a bigger turn-on than you realize.”

  He likes the control. Likes to call the shots. Right then, I get the sense he’s been holding back, and this is his way of warning me.

  Make a decision, and be sure about it.

  Problem is, I don’t think I’ll ever be sure. It’s one of those things I’ll just have to do in order to get past the fear of the unknown.

  “I want to swallow.” I lock my eyes on his. “Don’t let me back out.”

  “Not a chance in hell, Sawyer.”

  This is what I wanted, right? For Ashton to teach me how to suck off a guy. From the moment I saw Jake thrust into the mouth of his assistant, I wanted to be the one on my knees, and now I am.

  Keeping his hands on the wall, Ash pushes the tip of his cock against my lips again. “Open.” It’s only one word, but there’s an undeniable note of command behind it. Protesting is impossible with that tone ringing in my ears.

  I part my lips, and he pushes in again.

  “Hands behind your back. Don’t move them.”

  I follow his orders. The pose is one of complete submission. I’ve never felt so vulnerable. I’m putting my trust in Ashton’s hands, counting on him to take what I so desperately want to give.

  He pumps in and out of my mouth for a while, his tempo languid as if we have all the time in the world, as if my mouth was designed to be used like this. Each time he shoves in again, my pulse ratchets higher, drumming at my collarbone. Sounding off in my ears.

  The way he’s drawing this out is driving me crazy.

  “Close your eyes,” he says in that raspy tone he uses when he’s on edge. As my lids drift shut, he grabs my head in both hands.

  I start shaking. There’s no backing out now.

  “Nothing to be scared of, Sadie. Just let it happen.”

  My heart skips a beat as he starts plunging with purpose. He’s got such a tight grip on my head that I couldn’t pull back if I wanted to.

  It happens so fast.

  I gag as he thrusts down my throat. He expels a long series of grunts and groans as he holds me immobile in his grasp. My gag reflex can’t take anymore, and I try jerking back, but he won’t let me.

  “Fuck, I’m coming, Sadie. I’m fucking coming.”

  I whine around his cock, begging for mercy. Hoping it’ll be over soon.

  And then it is.

  Ashton withdraws, and I glance up to find him breathing hard, arms shaking under his weight as he props himself against the shower wall.

  “You okay?” he asks.

  I nod, but before I can speak, he lifts me to my feet. Our chests smash together as he buries his face in the crook of my shoulder. Spearing one hand through my hair, he presses the other against the small of my back, holding me against him as warm water sprays on us.

  And I love the way he’s trembling—it’s a surefire sign that what we just did affected him the way it affected me.

  “You bring me to my knees, Sawyer.” The words blast against my neck as powerfully as the truth in them blasts through the last of my defenses. Something too strong for me to fight coils around my heart. Rises in my throat.

  Fear.

  I let out a shaky breath, scared of drawing him closer even as my arms tighten around him. I can’t even think straight as I run a hand up between the valley of his shoulder blades and sink my fingers into his hair.

  And that’s the moment I know we made a horrible mistake.

  Chapter Twelve

  Ashton

  I can’t get Sadie’s deer-caught-in-the-headlights look out of my head. It’s especially disturbing because I’ve seen it plenty of times in the mirror whenever a girl begins showing signs of getting too serious.

  It’s the same damn expression I wear right before I break things off with whoever I happen to be screwing at the time.

  Now that same look is lingering in Sadie’s eyes, and I don’t like it one bit. She tried to play it off. Tried using the excuse that Mandy would be home soon to get me out of her apartment.

  But she’s scared, and it has nothing to do with sucking and swallowing. She feels more than she’s letting on, and I hate how she’s wrestling with herself over this. We’re approaching a fork in the road, and it’s coming up way too fast for my liking.

  If I can’t win her over, I’ll have to let her go in order to save our friendship.

  I know her as well as I know myself. Sadie has always been part of me, but over time that part morphed into this ball of longing in my gut I can’t ignore any longer. I’m dying to taste her lips, aching to get inside her body. Not just her body, but her soul.

  The realization has been trickling in for what seems like forever, and now it’s crashing over me like an unstoppable wave. I fucking want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone or anything.

  The annoying redhead my sister befriended on the playground when we were young and innocent. The fiery girl who infiltrated my heart before I even realized it was happening.

  The stunning woman who has me wrapped now.

  I pull into my driveway and cut the engine on the bike. The rain has slowed to a drizzle, and tiny drops collect in my hair and on my coat as I head up the pathway to my front door. I stall at the sight of the shadowy form sitting on my front stoop. Corinne is huddling under the awning, staying dry from the rain.

  “How long have you been waiting?”

  “Not too long.”

  Stepping past her, I insert a key into the doorknob. “You should have called,” I say, wincing at my harsh tone as I swing the door open.

  She rises to her feet. “I would have if I’d known you’d be in such a shitty mood.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’ve just got a lot on my mind.” I switch on a light and gesture for her to come inside.

  Corinne follows me into the living room. “I messaged you. Didn’t you get it?”

  Shit. I completely forgot. “Uh, yeah, I did. It’s been a busy day.”

  She settles a hand on my arm. “Did I do something to piss you off?”

  I take in her hunched shoulders and feel my own slump. “You didn’t do anything, Corinne. I just wasn’t expecting you.”

  Nibbling on her lower lip, she stares at me with hurt in her brown eyes. “I miss you.”

  And I know I’m wearing the expression—the same one Sadie shot my way before I left her apartment twenty minutes ago.

  “Look, Corinne, I don’t want to hurt—”

  “Don’t,” she interrupts. “Don’t say you don’t want to hurt me. It’s too late for that.”

  God, I feel like such an asshole for not addressing this before now. “I should’ve realize sooner that you felt…more. I thought we were just having fun.”

  “Just having fun?” Her brown eyes are bright with pain, and the accusation in them spears through me, making me feel like the bastard I am. “I thought we had something…I mean…” Lowering her head, she wipes under her eyes. “What did I do? Just tell me so I can fix it.”

  Fucking hell. I hate this part. I hate hurting people, especially someone as sweet and vulnerable as Corinne.

  “You didn’t do anything. I’m just not into serious hookups. You already know this.”

  She raises her chin and looks me square in the eyes. “I’m in love with you. How could you not know that?”

  Closing my eyes, I drag a hand down my face. I’m not ready for this—for this girl standing before me, saying she loves me as tears drip from her eyes.

  I’m a total asshole.

  “I’m sorry, Corinne.”

  “If you didn’t feel something for me, then why’d you worm your way back into my life after all of these years?”

  “I didn’t worm my way into your life.” Taking a deep breath, I temper my tone. “We hooked up at a party. If I’d known you felt this way, I wouldn’t have slept with you
again.”

  And again and again.

  “I thought I meant something to you.” Her mouth is trembling, and I dig deep for an explanation that will make her feel better, but there isn’t one. There’s only the harsh truth.

  “We were never serious in high school. I didn’t think this was any different,” I say, silently pleading with her to stop crying. If there’s one thing that rips me apart, it’s a woman’s tears.

  “It was serious for me!” Pointing her finger, she stalks toward me. “You broke my heart in high school, you jerk.” She jabs me in the chest, and I retreat a step. “But you were so caught up in yourself to notice.”

  I grab her hand before she can do more damage with her finger and its razor sharp nail. “You’re right. I am a jerk. I didn’t realize, Corinne. If I had, I wouldn’t have hooked up with you.”

  Her wet eyes pin me to the spot, like prey she’s about to devour in the eye of her pain. “Is there someone else?”

  Parting my lips, I will the denial off my tongue, but the lie won’t form. Instead, I shake my head. But it’s too late. Glaring at me, she yanks her hand from mine. I hesitated too long, and now she knows the truth.

  There is someone else, only that someone else doesn’t know it yet. What a twisted circle of heartbreak I’ve managed to create here.

  “Who is she?” Venom drips from her tone, and something dark flashes in her brown eyes. I revisit my earlier thought that she’s sweet and vulnerable.

  Because Corinne doesn’t look like either right now. If she were a cat, she’d have her claws out, her teeth bared as she hisses her warning. Instead of answering her, I cross to the door and open it. Arguing isn’t going to help either of us.

  “I think you should go,” I say, trying to soften my tone. But as I ask her to leave my house—to leave my life—I know nothing will soften the blow to her heart.

  Shit.

  How many times have I ended up in this exact spot? Letting a girl down gently is never easy, but usually they leave more angry than hurt because I don’t make promises I can’t keep.

  So where did I go wrong with Corinne? What did I do to make her think that what we had was more than a fun hookup? For fuck’s sake, we didn’t even see each other every weekend.

  There was no dating. No declarations of love. We communicated over a few texts in between the times we fucked, but that was it.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I say, hoping my words will get her to move from her motionless spot in the middle of my living room.

  She turns pained eyes on me. Damp eyes full of anger and heartbreak. “Ashton…I’m pregnant.”

  Time doesn’t just screech to a halt—it slams into a wall. I can’t fucking breathe. A thousand thoughts and what-ifs torpedo through my mind, but it’s nothing but incomprehensible chaos. “I don’t believe you,” I finally say, my own voice strange to my ears.

  This isn’t happening.

  We were careful.

  I’m always so fucking careful.

  She finally moves, her steps renewed with purpose and power as she nears me. I’m still standing by the door like a fool.

  “It’s true. Wishing otherwise isn’t going to make it disappear.” She brushes past me and steps onto the front porch. “And before you even think about asking, I’m keeping the baby.”

  “I wasn’t asking,” I say, still shell-shocked. How can a person ask questions when their world is spinning out of control around them? Fuck, I can’t even think straight.

  “When you’re ready to talk about it, you know where to find me.” She hurries down the pathway toward the street, seemingly unbothered by the rain. If I weren’t frozen to the spot, I’d offer to drive her home.

  But I’m doing good to shut the door and plop onto the couch before my legs fail me.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Sadie

  Monday mornings are the bane of my existence. This Monday morning, however, is ten times worse. Jake’s legal assistant—Candace “call me Candy”—is avoiding me like the plague, which isn’t the easiest to do since, as a paralegal, I work directly with Jake. If it were any other job, I would have thought about walking out by now because dealing with Jake trying to corner me at every turn is getting old.

  Working for my father is a pain in the ass. I wish I could just waltz into his office and say “I quit.” But I’ve only gone against my parents a handful of times, and one of them was when I refused to give up my friendship with Mandy and Ash in the tenth grade.

  My parents—my father especially—aren’t the biggest fans of the Levine twins. They disapprove of Mandy’s body art and the various jobs she works to put herself through school. She doesn’t have well-to-do parents to send her to college like I did. Her father split when she and Ashton were young, and her mother worked two jobs to make ends meet.

  I have mad admiration for Mandy. She’s almost done with her business degree, and what my parents don’t realize is that she has plans to open her own tattoo parlor. Her future is wide open in front of her, unimpeded by parental expectations since she didn’t have parents who put her through college.

  She didn’t break their hearts by deciding not to go to law school.

  “Sadie, can I see you in my office for a moment?”

  “Sure,” I tell my dad. “I’ll be right there after I put these away.” I hold up the files I was working on, and he gives me a brisk nod. As I make my way through the office, I wonder if this impromptu summons has anything to do with Jake.

  News broke this morning that Jake Jennings—or JJ, as my father calls him—is getting his precious promotion.

  I return to Dad’s office and find him and the other partners, along with Jake, seated in leather high back chairs. The space has a masculine atmosphere, with tall mahogany bookcases lining one side of the room and an executive desk situated on the other. Floor-to-ceiling windows offer a view of the city.

  One glance at the ornate clock on the wall tells me the lunch hour is almost upon us, and though everyone at Sawyer and Bennett—from the partners to the lowly assistant staff—have a habit of taking working lunches, today is obviously not one of those days.

  The men are holding amber-filled tumblers. Even the lone female partner is seated, legs crossed at the ankle as she clutches a glass between her manicured fingers. She probably needs the booze to survive the testosterone in the room. Jake rises to hand me a drink. I gaze down into the liquid and wrinkle my nose.

  “Now, sweetheart,” my father says in his deep, booming voice, “I know bourbon isn’t your drink, but we’ve got cause for celebration. I figured you’d want to be here to congratulate JJ on becoming the latest junior partner at Sawyer and Bennett.”

  Jake aims a wide smile at me, his teeth perfect and whiter than the paint on the damn walls. He drapes an arm around my shoulders and raises his glass. “To new beginnings.”

  “To new beginnings.” The toast echoes through the room amongst clinking glasses. I tap my tumbler against Jake’s before moving out of his reach. To make my father happy, I take a small sip, then I wait a couple of minutes until they’re deep in conversation before setting the glass onto a table.

  “We’re putting on a celebratory dinner this Friday night. JJ has worked hard for this, so I hope you’ll all attend.” He trains his brown eyes on me, and I don’t miss the flash of reproach in them. “That goes for you as well, Sadie. JJ should have your support.”

  With narrowed eyes, I glance at Jake, who is suddenly avoiding my gaze. Shit. I promised him I wouldn’t air our dirty laundry in front of my father, but he obviously didn’t feel the need to do the same. I can only imagine how he spun the story in his favor.

  “Of course,” I agree, hoping no one notices the slight tremble in my voice.

  One by one, everyone in the room rises to leave, shaking Jake’s hand on the way out. Once it’s just my father, Jake, and me, the tension in the room is so thick you could slice it with a knife.

  “You’ve done good, son,” my dad tells
Jake, slapping him on the back. It’s not often that I let my father’s disapproval get to me, but seeing the pride in his expression for Jake burrows under the scars of my youth.

  My father will never forgive me for not going to law school.

  “Thank you, sir,” Jake says, his wide grin still plastered across his face.

  “Sadie, don’t be rude. Congratulate JJ. Now’s not the time to allow hiccups in your relationship to impede on such an important accomplishment.”

  Jake pushes his hands into his pockets. He’s still unable to return my stare.

  “Congratulations,” I say, my voice monotone. “I know this is what you’ve always wanted.”

  “Thank you. It is.” He tilts his chin up then, and a rock of dread falls to the bottom of my gut. The smile is gone from his face—in its place is a formidable line of determination.

  He hasn’t given up on us yet.

  “I need to speak with my father in private.”

  “Of course, Sadie.” As Jake passes by, he leans down and brushes his lips across my cheek. “We’ll talk later.”

  If I have my way, we won’t, but I don’t voice that intention. His confident, quiet steps carry him out of the office, and he closes the door with a small click.

  “So Jake told you what happened, I take it?” I have no doubt he kept several details hidden, but I want to hear the tale he spun to my father.

  “Sit down, Sadie.” He gestures to one of the many chairs in his office.

  I consider standing my ground, but one look at my father’s rigid posture has me sinking into soft, malleable leather.

  “JJ did come to me about this problem the two of you are having.”

  I raise a brow. “Is that what he’s calling it? A problem?”

  “I’m not going to defend his actions, but a man under the type of pressure JJ endures is bound to make mistakes.”

  Unbelievable.

  “Now, sweetheart. The question is what do we need to do to fix this?” My father brushes his thick hair back. He’s a handsome man, appearing younger than his fifty-two years, with dark hair sprinkled with the first signs of gray, and vibrant, sometimes vicious brown eyes. I certainly didn’t get my looks from him.