Swallow Me Whole: A Friends To Lovers Romance

by Gemma James

  “I realize that.”

  “Who is she?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “How the hell can you say it doesn’t matter? Our child needs a father. Not a baby daddy.”

  With a sigh, I push on her shoulders until she’s reclining in bed again. “Get some rest. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

  She stares at me with her big, brown eyes threatening to spill over. “Are you leaving?”

  “No, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

  “I don’t want to do this alone.”

  “You’re not alone. I’ll be in the next room.” I know it’s not what she meant, but before she can correct me, I escape into the dark shadows of her living room, and only then do I allow myself to breathe again.

  So much for not taking the coward’s way out.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Sadie

  I should have taken a sick day. That was the plan. Wake up in Ashton’s arms, kiss his gorgeous lips some more, go grab breakfast, then spend the day together discovering the newness of us. Instead, I’m sitting in my father’s office about to get another of his famous lectures.

  The knot in my stomach tightens. Though I left Ashton at the hotel just last night, it feels longer. After I returned home, I tossed and turned for hours, unable to sleep as I was too busy imagining all kinds of scenarios.

  Ashton and Corinne together, him touching her the way he touched me, telling her how gorgeous she is, whispering the same words he said to me. I’m green with jealousy, knowing that she has a connection to him that I don’t have.

  A tie that binds.

  Something forever linking them together.

  And then I feel guilty for thinking such thoughts because I don’t even know if it’s true. Her emergency could have ended in tragedy, and the sliver of relief at that idea only adds to my tab of guilt.

  “You look tired, sweetheart,” my father says.

  I cross my legs and settle my hands in my lap. “I didn’t sleep much last night.”

  The hard lines of his face soften—it’s the closest to sympathy I’ll ever see from my father. “I didn’t sleep well either. I realize our conversation about JJ didn’t go well yesterday, but I hope you’ve at least had some time to think things through.”

  “There’s nothing to think through. My insomnia has nothing to do with you or Jake.”

  “I think it has everything to do with him.” With a sigh, he shifts in his seat and steeples his fingers above the desk. “I know he hurt you.”

  “He didn’t hurt me, Dad. He pissed me off.”

  “I think his mistake hurt you, and I think you’re using Ashton to get back at him.”

  I have to bite back a snicker. He’s so off base he’s not even on the same playing field. “Ashton has nothing to do with Jake.” I lean forward, entreating my father to understand where I’m coming from. “Jake did me a favor. I’d rather find out about his true colors now than later.”

  My father hardens his jaw. “There’s no question he made a mistake.”

  “Then why are you pushing this?”

  He rubs his trim beard. “Every marriage will face hardships. He’s a good match with good connections. He’ll provide for you.”

  I count to ten to keep from rolling my eyes. “This is the twenty-first century. I’m capable of taking care of myself.”

  “I know you are, sweetheart. But who else is going to step into my shoes here at the firm after I’m gone?”

  And suddenly, I understand. As an only child—and a girl at that—I’m a massive disappointment to him, especially since I broke his heart by refusing to go to law school. He wants me to marry Jake so he can take over someday. It’s all so clear now, and more disturbing than ever. My father cares more about his legacy than his own flesh and blood.

  “You owe it to me to fix things with JJ. At least try, Sadie.”

  I grip the arms of the chair. “How can you put this on me?”

  “Your mother and I gave you the best of everything. The best opportunities, the best education. I don’t feel I’m asking too much in return.”

  I jump to my feet. “So let me get this straight. Because you were a good parent to me, finically, I owe it to you to marry a cheating bastard of your choosing?”

  The instant his nostrils flare, I know I’ve pissed him off, but he remains unmoving behind his desk, the illusion of his calm facade firmly intact. “All I’m asking is that you give him another chance.”

  “I don’t love him!”

  “Is this about Ashton? Do you fancy yourself in love with him?”

  “That’s none of your goddamn business.” I flinch at the anger in my tone.

  He stands on the other side of the desk, red in the face. “You might not live under my roof anymore, but I’m still your father, not to mention your employer. I won’t tolerate you speaking to me like that.”

  I don’t think I’ve ever been so furious. The blood in my veins reaches the boiling point as it rushes through me. “I’m done with you meddling in my life.” Too many beats pass, heavy with indecision, but eventually, I utter the worlds I’ve wanted to say for months.

  For years.

  “I quit.” I’m not only talking about my job. I’m done being a slave to his demands. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to please him—I’ll never be good enough. Not unless I’m a lawyer following in his footsteps, or married to one.

  “Don’t be irresponsible. Quitting your job isn’t necessary.”

  “No, it’s absolutely necessary.” I leave his office before he can argue further, my decision made. I make a beeline for my desk and clear out the few personal items in the drawers, stuffing them into my oversized purse. Anything else, I’ll come back for later.

  As I turn to leave, I catch the sight of my father standing in the doorway of his office. I can’t pinpoint his expression—it’s a cocktail of anger, hurt, and disappointment. My chest aches, the little girl in me silently crying over what will never be.

  I know he loves me. I’ve never questioned that. But he’s never been good at showing it. He’s even worse at loosening his hold on other people’s lives. He’s strangely silent as I walk past him toward the elevator, and that stuns me since part of me expects him to use his father voice to halt me in my tracks.

  To demand I fall in line.

  My heart is thumping too fast in my chest when the doors of the elevator slide open, and I escape inside. A deep voice calls my name, and when I glance up, I find Jake hurrying toward me, his long legs covering the distance between us too quickly. I hold my breath until the doors slide shut, and only then do I exhale.

  This is twice in the last twelve hours I’ve made a quick getaway in an elevator. The devastation on Ashton’s face from the night before flashes through my mind, and my heart clenches. He’s the one person I want to run to right now. But he’s the last person I can go to about anything.

  Chapter Thirty

  Sadie

  A ruckus is coming from Mandy’s bedroom. I stall in the front entrance, unsure of what I’m hearing, until a moan penetrates the thin walls, followed by the rhythmic banging of Mandy’s headboard.

  Jesus. It’s barely lunchtime. Either she’s skipping classes today, or she and her mystery man came back for a quickie. Either way, I kind of envy her right now. How freeing would it be to forget about everything and just lose myself in the moment?

  That’s a dangerous thought. I drop my purse onto the couch, take a seat beside it, and lower my head into my hands. My life is falling apart, and I could really use my best friend right now, but she’s obviously a little busy.

  Now that I’ve had some time to process what happened this morning, it’s starting to hit me for real. I can’t believe I quit my job, and even though I need to start the search for employment pronto, I can’t bring myself to do it today.

  My purse buzzes, and I almost don’t pull out my cell because it’s probably Ashton. He’s been calling and texting on and off since I left h
im at the hotel last night. With a sigh, I rub my palms down my face before reaching for the phone.

  Ashton: Your silence is killing me.

  I tell myself to put the phone away, to deal with this later or even another day, but my actions aren’t in line with what my head tells me to do. I reply to his message and end the silent treatment for the first time since we parted ways at the hotel.

  Me: Is Corinne okay?

  I hope he doesn’t take it as a snarky question. I really just want to know how she’s doing. It’s not her fault Ashton didn’t tell me about her pregnancy.

  Ashton: She’s fine. So is the baby.

  I pause, my thumbs hovering above the screen, but before I’m able to formulate a reply, he sends another message through.

  Ashton: I was going to tell you.

  Me: When?

  Ashton: Soon. I wasn’t trying to hide it from you. She told me, and I just freaked the fuck out. I hadn’t even talked to her about it yet.

  Maybe I’m feeling too beaten down and tired today, but I don’t want to argue with him. I want to take his explanation at face value. At the core of my being, I want to believe him.

  Ashton: Don’t let this come between us.

  Me: I’m not sure there IS an us.

  Ashton: I know you don’t believe that.

  Hurt wells in my throat, and I swallow it down before shooting out another text.

  Me: What does Corinne want from you?

  Too many seconds go by, and that only makes my heart pound faster. I tap my foot while I wait for him to reply.

  Ashton: It doesn’t matter what she wants. The only woman I want is you.

  His answer warms me from the inside out, but I know him. Ashton isn’t the type of guy to shirk his responsibilities. He’ll do right by his child, and I wouldn’t expect him to do anything less, especially since his dad split on him and Mandy when they were in the fifth grade. That alone will ensure Ashton goes the extra mile for his child. But I’m afraid he’ll realize he wants to do right by Corinne too, and I’m not sure what that says about me.

  I’m not sure I care at this point.

  I nibble my lip, tempted to throw caution to the wind and tell him to take me away from the mess I’ve created of my life. I can see myself on the back of his bike, my arms around his waist, holding on for all I’m worth as we zip down the highway. He’d make me forget for a while. Love me for a while…love me forever.

  But I’ve already met my quota of rash decisions today, and sex isn’t going to fix the issues between us. It won’t fix my sudden unemployment status either.

  Me: The timing is wrong, Ash. I know you don’t want to admit it, but this changes things.

  Ashton: We aren’t just friends anymore. That changed too, or do I need to remind you how hard you came on my tongue last night?

  Fuck, like I need that reminder. I’m cursing him for fighting dirty when the rapid thumping coming from Mandy’s bedroom grows louder. She cries out, and I feel my face heat. Even worse, I can’t ignore the tingling warm pressure between my thighs. Listening to her moments of ecstasy is only reminding me of the ones I shared with Ash last night. His messages blur before my eyes, but these are tears of frustration rather than hurt. I want to give in. Now that we’ve crossed all sorts of lines, I can’t imagine not touching him.

  I want the line of our friendship to stay crossed because the other side is damn cold without him.

  But I can’t. If I let my guard down, and he decides to be with the mother of his child, I’m not sure I could survive that kind of emotional wreckage. He’s already stolen so much of me as it is—little pieces I’ll never get back. Maybe he’s been doing it all along, for years and years, only I wasn’t paying attention. I thought by ignoring how I felt about him it would eventually go away, become obsolete, and his habit of parading women in front of me helped to shove my feelings for him onto the back burner.

  So what made me think crawling under that table was a smart move? I was so fucking stupid. Deep down, I knew going in that this would happen, but I did it anyway. God, I wanted him then and I want him now.

  Ashton: You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?

  I hear his smug tone in my head. What does he expect? Of course I’m thinking about it. No woman with a pulse could forget riding Ashton Levine’s face.

  The banging stops on the other side of the wall, and a squeak of the mattress, followed by footsteps, tells me this is definitely in the camp of a quickie. I send Ash one last text.

  Me: I’m thinking about a lot of things, which is why I need some space.

  If he replies, I don’t read it. I drop my phone back into my bag, and that’s when Mandy and her lunchtime special exit her bedroom.

  “Sadie?” The draw of her brows betrays her concern, and I know my rough morning is written all over my face. When it comes to Mandy, my expression is usually an open book. It’s a miracle she hasn’t picked up on what’s been going on between Ash and me.

  “You’re back early,” she says. “Is everything okay?”

  “I quit my job.”

  “Oh wow.” Mandy glances at the blond guy at her side. “Best friend duty calls.” Rising on her tiptoes, she kisses him. “Text me later?”

  “Sure will.” He kisses her cheek then greets me with a nod on his way out the door.

  “That must be the new flavor of the month?” I ask.

  “Yep.” She crosses into the kitchen and pulls out a pint of rocky road ice cream from the freezer. “You look like you could use this.” Settling next to me on the couch, two spoons in her hand, she grins. “I think I can too. Never a better time to splurge than after a horizontal workout.”

  I laugh. “Who needs a gym, right?”

  She pulls the lid off the pint and spoons out a bite. “Exactly.”

  “You’ve been into this guy for a while,” I say, scooping up a spoonful of creamy chocolate goodness. “Is it serious this time?”

  “Maybe.” Her noncommittal shrug doesn’t bode well for the guy. “He’s good to me, and even better in bed.” She points her spoon in my direction. “Enough about my sex life. What’s going on with you?”

  Shit, where do I start? You’d think we’d be more involved in each other’s lives, but we’ve both been too busy lately to have real downtime—not since the night I got drunk and decided going down on her brother was a good idea.

  “Well, I already told you how the dinner at my parents’ house ended.”

  “Ugh. I can’t believe your father tried cornering you into an engagement. That’s low, even for him. Good thing Ash was there, huh?”

  Warmth spreads across my cheeks. I pray to God she doesn’t notice. “My dad’s still pressuring me about Jake. That’s why I quit today. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

  “You stuck it out way longer than I would have. You’re practically a damn saint when it comes to your father.”

  “I think it’s safe to say my sainthood is over.”

  We fall into a companionable silence for a while, taking turns spooning out ice cream, and I realize I’ve missed this. We used to be so close that we could tell what the other was thinking with just a glance.

  But we’re not kids anymore. We’re grown ups with jobs and school and boyfriends.

  And secrets.

  “What’s really bothering you?” Mandy asks, breaking the silence. “You haven’t been the same since the night you caught Jake cheating. Are you still hung up on him?”

  “No.”

  “Then what is it? Something’s wrong.” Her tone is soft, a cajoling melody inviting me to confide in her.

  “It’s Ashton.” Now that his name is out there, I can’t pull it back. I’m not sure I want to. I force myself to meet her eyes. “You’re going to think I’ve lost my damn mind, but I’m…in love with him.”

  She blinks, and the most shocking thing about her expression is the lack of surprise I find there.

  “This isn’t news to you, is it.” It’s not a question.
/>
  “Well, I’m surprised you’re using the L word, but I’ve gotta say it’s been obvious for a long time that there’s something between you guys.”

  “How can you know that? I didn’t even know until a couple of weeks ago.”

  She sets the ice cream on the end table and scoots to face me. “Remember on prom night when you were going to give it up to Wes Brantley?”

  “Yeah,” I say, wondering what this has to do with Ashton and me. I think back to that night. Wes was my date, and he’d gotten so pissed when I changed my mind about sleeping with him at the hotel. But Ash had gone to prom with Corinne, and I’m pretty sure he left with her at the end of the night.

  “I can count on one hand the times I’ve seen my brother jealous over a girl.” She shows me her pointer finger. “One time, Sadie, and it was the night you left with Wes. I had to talk him down from going after you and ruining your night.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Seriously.”

  I mull that over, recalling how he told me last night that he’s had feelings for me for a long time. “I chickened out, so he wouldn’t have ruined anything.”

  “I know that now, but at the time, I thought you were really into Wes.” She brushes her dark bangs back from her eyes. “I told him to leave it alone, and he did.” Forehead creasing, she pauses a beat. “Was I wrong to do that?”

  I try to picture Ash and I getting together then. Would we have made it? My gut tells me we needed this time as friends—the years into adulthood when we bonded on a level deeper than the physical. Now that I know how combustible our chemistry is, I’m glad I waited before falling down that seductive rabbit hole with him.

  I’m glad I waited for him, period.

  “I don’t think you were wrong.”

  “Are you having second thoughts? Is he being a jerk?” Her sharp blue eyes narrow. “Is he pulling his usual bullshit and giving you the ‘it’s not serious’ spiel?” She pounds her right fist into her left palm. “Do I need to beat his ass?”

  “No,” I say with a laugh. “It’s actually the opposite. He said he’s in love with me.”