Who Needs Men Anyway?

by Victoria Cooke

  ‘We’re celebrating Megan moving on.’ Kate held the bottle high in a celebratory fashion. I glared at her and flicked my eyes angrily to the left to indicate I wanted a word in the hallway.

  ‘We won’t be a moment, Megan.’ I walked out, followed by Kate. ‘What are you thinking?’ I hissed as soon as we were out of earshot.

  She raised her eyebrows. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘It’s been just a few weeks. Do you really think she’s over the heartache Mike has caused her? Or even the whole shock of the situation?’

  ‘Well of course not!’ Kate huffed. ‘It’s positive encouragement, you know, like when you give a child praise for cleaning their room even when you know they haven’t really done it. They will scuttle off and do it because the praise doesn’t feel right otherwise.’

  ‘I don’t follow.’

  ‘By pretending to assume she’s over him, I’m sending a subliminal message to her that she should be by now.’ She smiled.

  I shook my head. ‘It’s a bit different than tidying your room, Kate, and you don’t have any kids so can you please file away your Supernanny advice in a folder marked “to be destroyed”.’

  She slid an arm around my shoulder. ‘You know me, any excuse to pop a cork.’ She led me back into the kitchen. When she opened the door, we both stopped dead in our tracks. Kate turned to match my look of horror with a smirk that said ‘I told you so’.

  ‘Here’s to moving on,’ Megan said, holding a tiny drink in the air.

  ‘Megan, what are you doing?’ I almost stuttered with the shock. She’d lined up all the shot glasses from my cupboard and filled them with all the booze from my pantry. At least it appeared that way.

  ‘I’m doing what Kate said. I’m celebrating getting that pig, bastard, fuc—’

  I placed my hands gently on her shoulders. ‘We get the idea.’ Megan picked up one of the shot glasses, which was filled with a clear liquid, and threw it back.

  Kate shrugged and moved to the breakfast bar, hovering over the shots like a picky eater at a buffet. She chose one and knocked it back. For a moment, I stood gobsmacked at the two usually respectable women before me, downing shots like students at a fresher’s ball. On closer inspection, it appeared that four of the shot glasses were actually my antique crystal egg cups.

  ‘To moving on.’ Megan cheered and Kate responded by holding up her empty glass. ‘You know he’s still with her,’ she added after downing her shot. ‘After all that talk about wanting me back and making a mistake. I almost believed him.’ Her eyes started to tear up.

  ‘Really?’ I was shocked. ‘You’re better off without him.’ I placed a reassuring hand on hers.

  The intercom buzzed but it took me a second to register it.

  ‘Let them in, Charlotte, we don’t bite!’ Kate said shrilly before patting Megan’s hand and saying, ‘Leave it with me.’

  ‘It’s a Monday night, so I wouldn’t get your hopes up about it being anyone exciting. It’s probably just a neighbour’s child after a few pounds’ sponsorship money or something.’ I made my way over to the intercom screen in the kitchen. It was Sam’s van again. How odd. I opened the gate. ‘Just the gardener, ladies,’ I said, before making my way over to the front door.

  ‘Twice in one day, Sam,’ I said when he appeared on the doorstep. ‘I’ll be starting to think you have a crush on me if this carries on,’ I joked, before remembering myself. I’d spent too much time with Kate, obviously. ‘Sorry, I’m just teasing. What’s the matter?’

  He was still dressed in his work clothes, which suggested he hadn’t been home yet – odd given the time.

  ‘I left my tape measure outside earlier. Is it okay if I pop round the back and get it?’ he asked, already heading towards the back.

  ‘Yes, of course. Have you been working all day?’ I shouted after him.

  ‘Er, yes,’ he said without conviction as he disappeared around the corner. I wandered back into the kitchen to find a few more empty egg cups and a slightly rowdier Megan and Kate.

  ‘Where’s this gardener then, Charlotte?’ Megan said. ‘Might as well see if he can pass for eye candy.’

  Kate was already standing at the trifold doors, looking out across the garden. ‘Right there!’ she answered. ‘I think I was wrong about older men. Younger men can be so . . .’

  ‘Delicious,’ Megan said, joining her at the glass door, taking in his solid, muscular frame.

  ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with you two. Shots crossed with a scorned woman and a bored housewife do not mixeth well. I’m putting the kettle on and we can all have a coffee,’ I said, filling the jug to enforce my threat. When I turned to get cups, they’d both disappeared, and it didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out where they’d gone. I marched outside to find the three of them on the gravel driveway.

  ‘Oh, Charlotte, Sam is going to come in for a drink,’ Kate said as she spotted me.

  ‘I was just making coffee. You’re more than welcome to join us,’ I told Sam since I didn’t really have a choice. The entire night was bordering on disaster territory. I knew I should have kept Kate away.

  Sam shot Kate a look of surprise. ‘Oh, she’s kidding, we won’t be drinking coffee,’ Kate said reassuringly, guiding him inside with Megan following. Reluctantly, I closed the door and went in too, still a little hazy as to how the evening had panned out the way it had.

  When I got inside, Kate thrust a shot into my hand. ‘Loosen up, dear.’ Perhaps I did need to loosen up. After finding the receipt for my bracelet earlier, I’d felt a little rankled. It was silly because it just meant James forgot and that must happen all the time in marriages. He must have felt awful when I handed him that watch. But he had got me a rose and written the note so perhaps he simply hadn’t banked on expensive presents and I’d guilt-tripped him into splashing out. My stomach panged. I wish he’d have just spoken to me about it and been honest. Kate nodded at the glass, bringing me back.

  ‘I don’t suppose I have a choice since it’s three against one in favour of liver abuse. Cheers!’ I said, holding up my glass and drinking whatever the disgusting brown liquid was.

  ‘That’s better!’ Megan said.

  The loud popping sound made us all spin around towards Sam, who’d opened the champagne, and I couldn’t help but notice Megan’s eyes widen as she watched him. I didn’t tell her he was married; instead, I let her enjoy the moment and saw it as therapeutic for her.

  After a glass or two of fizz, I began to loosen up a little. Someone had put on some music and we were all chatting. Kate and Megan seemed to want to know the ins and outs of Sam’s life.

  ‘So, are you married?’ Kate asked eventually. She’d held off long enough. Megan’s eyes shot to Sam when she heard the question.

  Sam allowed his shoulders to droop a little. ‘I am,’ he said after a small pause, which I thought was odd. His wife was gorgeous – why would he have to think about it? What was he playing at?

  ‘Oh, bad luck, Megan.’ Kate laughed. Megan blushed, despite the fact she’d drunk several shots.

  Since it had cropped up, I had to ask. ‘How come you’re here then and not rushing off home to be with your wife?’ I assumed a typical case of needing peace and quiet, or that she’d gone away or something.

  He took a swig of champagne – two words that should never go together in a sentence, but there was no other way to describe it. ‘To be honest, I’m avoiding her.’ He rubbed his forehead. ‘I think she’s having an affair.’

  I couldn’t stifle my gasp. ‘No!’ was all I could say.

  ‘Oh?’ Kate’s interest was piqued now, and Megan looked up too.

  Sam just nodded heavily.

  ‘Why would you think that?’ I asked eventually after the shock wore off.

  ‘Just tiny things really.’ He paused to take a breath. ‘Perhaps I’m being paranoid.’

  ‘Or perhaps you’re not,’ Megan chimed in.

  ‘Yes, Megan’s fiancé was cheating with the waitress
from the coffee shop next to his work,’ Kate said, pursing her lips in sympathy.

  ‘Hold your horses, ladies. Sam, what actual evidence do you have?’ I asked, plonking a slab of rational thinking back on the table.

  ‘Like I said, little things. I’ve noticed a strong smell of aftershave on her clothes. She goes out more, she’s late back from work, and she never leaves her phone lying around. You know, it’s hard to actually put my finger on it, but something is off.’

  I remembered reading an article called ‘How to tell if your spouse is cheating’ or something like that, and those were the signs. ‘You need to know the truth.’

  ‘I know. I just don’t know how to go about it without her cottoning on to what I’m up to.’

  ‘I’ll help you,’ I blurted out. The adrenaline was already pumping through my veins. I’d done it before and I could do it again.

  ‘We all will,’ Kate waded in.

  Megan nodded. ‘Yes, you need to know.’

  I was glad she felt that way. I still had to break it to her that I’d orchestrated the whole catch-Mike-in-the-act plan, but I wasn’t yet ready for that conversation.

  ‘Ok, let’s hatch a plan. Sam, write down Samantha’s regular movements – where she says she’s going and when: work, gym, shops et cetera.’ I turned to Megan. ‘In hindsight, what obvious signs were there that you missed when Mike was cheating on you? Kate, you go to the wine fridge and pick something decent.’ I was at my best when in charge of a project and my little task force was coming together nicely.

  ‘I’m done,’ Sam announced, sliding his paper towards me. I scanned the page.

  I’d forgotten that Samantha was a barrister. It was a terrible thing to think, but it was difficult to imagine Sam with a barrister wife. ‘Okay, so she has a demanding job, goes to the gym . . . Sam, are you sure about the whole affair thing? It doesn’t seem like she’d have the time – I know how busy James is with his legal work.’

  I knew it was wrong of me, but I did feel a twinge of disappointment at the prospect of grinding the whole shebang to a halt.

  ‘I can just tell,’ Sam replied quietly. ‘Something about her has changed. She’d always been busy but recently she’s come home and gone off to read or watch TV instead of wanting to sit with me. She’s just . . . off. Plus, like I’ve already mentioned I caught a whiff of aftershave on her a few times.’

  I tapped the table, considering what he’d said. ‘Okay, let’s say she is having an affair – do you really want to know about it?’

  Megan’s eyes shot to Sam in anticipation.

  He nodded. ‘I’m hoping to be proven wrong but I need to know. It’s driving me mad, giving me a bad stomach and everything.’

  Megan put a reassuring arm around him and rubbed his back. ‘Whatever happens, you’ll get through it.’

  ‘Plenty more fish in the sea,’ Kate chimed in, holding up her glass.

  ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Let’s get down to business.’

  We hatched a plan, and the more we drank, the more elaborate the ideas. At one point, wigs were mentioned and honey traps and all kinds of late-night-TV-worthy ideas. Pens and paper were used, and by the time we’d finished, we were all feeling pretty smug and pretty tipsy. Kate went to my wine fridge and pulled out another bottle of champagne.

  ‘Now this one really is warranted, misery face.’ She directed her comment at me, but I just smiled and shook my head.

  Megan spoke then. ‘It’s funny how you have these first impressions of people and they turn out to be completely wrong.’ I turned to look at her. Her comment had come from nowhere, but she had a point. ‘I mean, I was so attracted to Mike from the beginning because he seemed so genuine and decent – and, Sam, I’m sure you felt the same?’

  Sam nodded in response. ‘Samantha is gorgeous. To be honest, in the early days, back at uni, I’d felt she was a little bit out of my league but she never gave me any reason to doubt her feelings for me and once we were married, I sort of felt . . . safe,’ he said sullenly. I remembered James saying something about that, years before. Sam’s friends apparently gave him quite the ribbing for ‘punching above his weight.’

  ‘So your wife is called Sam too?’ Kate laughed. ‘Sam and Sam?’

  ‘You’re both called Sam Smith? Like the singer!’ Megan giggled and when Sam gave her a quizzical look, she pointed out the ‘Smith’s landscaping’ logo on his T-shirt. Remembering that Megan loved Sam Smith, I chuckled myself.

  ‘Megan is a huge Sam Smith fan,’ I explained.

  ‘Ahh.’ He smiled. ‘Does it apply to any random Sam Smith or just that singer guy?’

  Megan’s face flushed.

  ‘Anyway, going back to first impressions, what was your first impression of me?’ Kate asked loudly, sloshing more champagne into her glass.

  ‘Kate! Not everything is about you. Megan was making a good point there.’ I was trying to get back to whatever she had been about to say before the whole Sam Smith thing.

  ‘It’s okay, Charlotte,’ Megan said. ‘To be honest, Kate, I was a little intimidated by you. You’re so beautiful, elegant, and not to mention confident. I actually didn’t expect to like you, but I do. A lot. I’ve learned that your heart is in the right place, you’re generous, kind, and lots of fun too.’

  Kate smiled and leaned over the counter to top up Megan’s glass. ‘You get yours filled to the brim, my dear.’

  I wasn’t proud of myself for asking, but I was a little curious since we were on the topic. ‘What about me, then? What did you think of me at first?’

  Megan giggled. ‘Well, at first, I found you a bit stiff and starchy, and maybe a little materialistic, but I soon learned you’re kind and good-hearted.’ Stiff and starchy? That’s how I’d describe James’s mother. I couldn’t argue with materialistic, though – like a magpie, I liked nice shiny things.

  ‘Well, my first impression of you, Charlotte, was that you had a great arse!’ Kate laughed. ‘But actually, that’s down to Megan, so can we really class it as your best quality?’

  ‘Well, Kate, I thought you were . . .’ I paused before I said the word ‘gold-digger’, which I knew she wasn’t, I was just a little irked. ‘Friendly and easy to talk to. Your arse is okay too,’ I added as a joke.

  ‘Well, what did you both think of me?’ Megan asked.

  ‘Meek and mild,’ I said.

  ‘Needs to stand up for herself,’ Kate added. ‘I mean, this one—’ she pointed to me ‘—wants an impromptu Sunday workout and you jump. Tell her where to go next time!’ she said, taking the last sip of her champagne.

  Sam had been patiently listening to the conversation with a bemused expression.

  ‘Well, you can’t get off lightly, Mister . . . One word, first impressions. Go.’

  ‘You.’ He pointed at me. ‘Bossy.’

  ‘Her. Feisty.’ He winked at Kate.

  ‘And this one . . .’ He slid an arm around Megan. ‘Sweet.’ I couldn’t help but notice her cheeks blush again.

  ***

  The next morning, I woke up late with a cloudy, fuzzy fog pressing down on my forehead. When I went down to make coffee, I was greeted by the horrendous mess we’d left the night before. My phone beeped as I flicked the kettle on.

  Had to get some fresh air, so left for work early – couldn’t stand the mess! Who on earth did you have round – the Gallagher brothers? See you for dinner. J x

  He wasn’t far off. It was terrible that I didn’t even recall him coming home. I must have fallen asleep before he got in, but I knew he couldn’t think straight when the house was messy so it was hardly a surprise. I never let things get out of control like that, and he must have been horrified by the state of the place.

  As I sat down to drink my coffee, I spotted a pile of papers on the worktop. It was our various plans to catch out Sam’s wife. I smirked at how ridiculous we’d become after alcohol. The plans had elaborate sketches of us scaling walls, hiding behind trees, and so on. I think they’d all seen too many
Mission Impossible-style films. If Sam’s wife was cheating on him, though, he did deserve to find out, and we would catch her.

  Picking my phone back up, I set up a WhatsApp group for myself, Kate, Megan, and Sam.

  Sam, if you still want to go ahead with what we discussed last night, we should meet up to arrange a plan.

  As I sipped my coffee, my mind wandered back to the night before – to Megan’s face when Sam called her sweet. She is sweet of course but it was her reaction to Sam saying it that was interesting. The blushing suggested to me that she wasn’t just flattered, but perhaps open to the idea of meeting men. She hadn’t recoiled, anyway, which was a good sign. That thought reminded me to check the online dating profile I’d set up. While I didn’t hold out much hope, it was all I had at that point.

  There was one message in the inbox when I’d booted up my laptop. I sighed before opening it, wondering what kind of sleaze-ball I’d find this time. To my surprise, it was a fairly normal message.

  Hi there,

  I’m Andrew.

  I’m new to online dating and don’t really know what I’m doing but thought I’d say hello and introduce myself since it looks as though we have similar interests. I hope you don’t mind me saying but you look very pretty on your picture and if you’d be interested in chatting some more, do get in touch.

  Admittedly, he didn’t seem like the most exciting bloke on the planet, but he didn’t seem sleazy either. I’d only glanced at his picture before I’d read the message, but I found my eyes resting upon it just after.

  He had dark brown hair, left a little longer than what would be acceptable to James’s mother, but it framed his face beautifully. His smile revealed a perfect row of pearly whites and light stubble dusted his jawline and upper lip. His electric blue eyes jumped out of the screen. I didn’t think he was too bad for the first reasonable option, and I decided to reply there and then. It had been about twelve hours since he’d sent his message, so it wouldn’t seem too keen on Megan’s part.

  My fingers tapped absent-mindedly at the keys. I was new to online dating. In fact, I wasn’t even that experienced at dating full stop since I’d met James when we were at university and we just sort of fell in sync with each other rather than dating. Still, it was just polite chatter and that I could do.