Who Needs Men Anyway?

by Victoria Cooke

  Dear Andrew,

  It’s lovely that you got in touch – and thank you for your kind comment. Your picture is very nice too.

  I paused, trying to imagine Megan saying those words. I couldn’t, but since he’d never met her, I didn’t think it was important in the grand scheme of things so continued.

  I’m also new to this online dating business and can see from your profile that we do indeed share the same interests. You like to keep fit and enjoy eating out and so on. I’d definitely like to chat some more.

  I sat back to read through whatever the opposite of a masterpiece was. Perhaps I was a bit ‘stiff and starchy’ after all. I thanked my lucky stars I had James as I’d have no hope out there – I almost felt sorry for Megan having to rely on me (albeit unconsciously). Still, I only sounded as dull as he did, which would at least mean there was even more common ground. I hit send and logged off. As I did my phone buzzed. It was a WhatsApp message from Sam.

  Let’s do it.

  Chapter Six

  As I pulled up outside Kate’s huge architect-designed new build, she was already strolling through the electric gates.

  ‘What the hell have you come as?’ I asked taking in her ridiculously large sunglasses and psychedelic Pucci headscarf as she slid into the passenger seat.

  ‘I’m undercover,’ she said, placing a large orange Hermès bag on her lap. It wasn’t worth pointing out that the chances of us needing to blend in with a rainbow were slim and Samantha wouldn’t know her from Adam anyway.

  ‘Very well. Let’s go,’ I said, shifting into drive.

  We parked across the road from the barristers’ chambers in Manchester and I pulled up Samantha’s picture on Facebook and handed it to Kate. ‘This is who we’re looking for.’

  ‘She’s quite pretty in a timid mouse kind of way,’ Kate said. ‘I bet all the middle-aged barrister blokes want to bang her.’

  ‘Kate!’ I tutted.

  ‘Well, am I wrong?’

  ‘Probably not, but keep those comments between us – don’t say things like that in front of Sam!’

  Kate shrugged. ‘Fine. What’s the plan now? Are we going in?’

  ‘I’m thinking stakeout, watch her leave, see where she goes . . .’

  ‘Okay, that could take a while. It’s a good job I brought sustenance.’ Kate reached into her bag and pulled out two foil-capped plastic glasses of wine and some Quavers.

  ‘You keep Quavers in a Hermès?’ I shook my head.

  ‘What can I say, it’s such a practical size. Besides that, it was Carl’s sorry-I-had-to-work-away present, and if it starts to smell a bit cheesy and irks him then maybe he’ll think twice about leaving me alone for two weeks in future.’

  ‘You can be such a cow,’ I said.

  Kate pulled the foil off one of the glasses and handed it to me. ‘Here, drink this – it may just shut you up.’

  ‘I’m driving!’

  ‘Oh a few sips won’t hurt and we’ll be here a while.’

  ‘Shh.’ I elbowed her in the side. ‘Look, is that her?’ I pointed to a lady walking down the steps of the building.

  Kate moved her glasses down her nose a little to peer over them. ‘Blonde, pretty, girl-next-door type. Could be.’ She pushed the glasses back up.

  ‘We can’t follow her until we’re sure. Go and get a better look.’

  Kate shot me a why-should-I do-it look so I prodded at the steering wheel and shooed her away. She gathered her faculties and got out of the car with less elegance than when she’dgot in, banging her glasses on the doorframe as she left.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t need a Jack-Duckworth-strength prescription on those?’ I called after her, earning myself a rather impolite middle-fingered gesture in response.

  She crossed the road and followed the woman and it wasn’t long before I lost sight of both of them so slid out my phone to pass the time. There was a message from Megan in the group chat.

  How’s it going? Any news? X

  I quickly keyed a message back.

  We think we’ve spotted her leaving work. Kate has gone to investigate x

  Megan replied:

  Okay, keep us posted x

  It was a good ten minutes or so before Kate returned, letting out a huge sigh as she fell into the car.

  ‘These shoes were not made for walking,’ she said, slipping off her Louboutins.

  ‘Why on earth would you wear those for a stakeout?’

  ‘I needed a nude pump with this headscarf, of course.’

  I shook my head. ‘What did you find?’

  ‘Well I got a closer look, and I’m pretty sure it’s her.’

  ‘And . . . where did she go?’

  Kate shrugged. ‘Nowhere exciting, just in some stuffy solicitor’s office. I assume she’s still working.’

  ‘Do you think that could be where Mr bit-on-the-side works?’

  ‘I doubt it. She was carrying files and things – I think it was work-related.’

  ‘Right, so are we calling it a day?’ I asked.

  ‘Not at all, it’s gin o’clock! Dump the car at home and let’s go out!’

  When I got home, a little later and tipsier than expected, James was in bed. Feeling wide awake and still pumping with adrenaline, I decided to check the dating site to see if there were any other enquiries for Megan. I made myself a coffee and sat at the breakfast bar with my laptop. A little tingle of excitement hit me when I saw there were two new messages. The first was from a man called John.

  Hi Megan,

  I’ll cut to the chase. I’m normally on top of my dating game and thought these websites were for losers but I’ve recently been bed-bound after having an op. Nothing too serious – penis reduction in case you’re wondering ;).

  John

  ‘Well John, I wasn’t but it’s a shame you didn’t have the one on your forehead removed,’ I said aloud, striking the delete key. Once he’d been removed, I stared at the screen for a moment, flabbergasted. Whoever said ‘romance was dead’ was probably a disgruntled Me & You customer. Being single was a hard game to be in. I’d have probably given up on dating by now and joined a nunnery if I were doing it for myself. Poor Megan, she didn’t know it, but she was very fortunate to have me separating the wheat from the sheaf for her.

  The second message was from my strongest contender so far – Andrew – and seeing his name gave me a slight flicker of hope.

  Hi Megan,

  Phew, you got back to me. I’m obviously too cool to have gone into complete panic mode after getting in touch but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit nervous about getting a reply. You’re the first (and only) person I’ve made contact with on here.

  I am into fitness – I go to the gym as often as I can. I’m not a trainer like you as such but my nine-year-olds are some of the best dodgeball contenders you’ve seen this side of the Atlantic (I’m a primary school teacher by the way).

  Full disclosure: The kids in my class would disagree with the ‘cool’ comment above – obviously they’re still young and learning vocabulary and don’t really understand what ‘cool’ means.

  Have you had a good day?

  Looking forward to hearing back from you.

  Andrew

  Well, it wasn’t a job synonymous with cheating I didn’t think, which was a start. I enlarged his picture again. He was good-looking – a little rugged around the edges, but I was surprised to find I quite liked that, not that my opinion mattered for much but I was sure Megan would agree. He seemed to have a good sense of humour, which I guessed would be good for Megan as she could be quite timid. He might just bring her out of her shell.

  Hi Andrew,

  It’s great to hear from you – you obviously have a lot more educating to do before the term is out!

  It sounds and looks like you take good care of yourself. I bet those forearms give good hugs ;)

  Although I’m a self-proclaimed ‘crap flirt’, that last comment seemed to type itself and though I’m no
t proud, I did indeed put the winky face.

  Today I just worked and had drinks with a friend after. How about you?

  Megan

  I read it through and cringed a little, but as I’ve already admitted, I’m no expert at online dating and my task was merely to keep him warm for when Megan decided it was time to bite the bullet. I pressed send and finished my coffee.

  As I was washing my cup, the laptop pinged. I placed the cup on the drainer and instantly went to investigate.

  I smiled. It was Andrew again.

  You’re up late! I’m a bit of an insomniac myself. Work keeps me busy and sometimes, I can’t switch off.

  I was working today and had a pile of work to mark but I did get to go for a walk around Didsbury Park, which I sometimes do after a day at work. The classroom gets a bit stuffy with thirty children sat absorbing little pockets of my wisdom for a whole day.

  We should get to know each other a bit more? Who knows, maybe you’ll even want to experience one of my legendary cuddles ;)

  Oh dear – he’d winky-faced me back. Still, he’d soon be Megan’s problem.

  Okay, so. Favourite movie, book, and song – go!

  Andrew

  x

  Feeling the effects of the gin still dancing through my system, I thought I’d have a little fun.

  That was quick!

  Okay, if you like my answers, do I win a hug?

  I had no idea what songs and books and things Megan liked so I went with my own. If anything ever became of the pair of them, she’d just have to keep up the pretence or I’d come clean and we’d laugh about it for years to come.

  Film . . . I was a little torn. I loved Casablanca but when I was a child, E.T. was my ultimate favourite. I was also a sucker for Bridget Jones’s Diary. James had me into James Bond and Daniel Craig was a firm favourite – I’d even class Skyfall as one of my all-time best. Then there was The Shawshank Redemption, Forrest Gump and Gladiator.

  One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I typed eventually. It probably wasn’t very ‘Megan’ but she’d have said something like Notting Hill, which I loved too, but it wasn’t anything I’d expect Andrew to like – not that I knew him; shamefully, I was stereotyping. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest was funny, gender-neutral, and had a powerful message about being honest!

  I deliberated just as hard over a book. I loved the classics, but I was also a sucker for a young adult novel. I decided to go with my favourite modern books that I thought would be acceptable.

  The Hunger Games trilogy, I replied. I knew Megan liked those too and she’d not stopped yapping about them when she was in the throes of Katniss’s daily struggles.

  Choosing a song was easy; it was one that took me right back to my graduate training days, the days of drinking bottles of Reef in Wetherspoon’s on payday.

  Mr Brightside, I typed with a smile.

  How about you? I added before absent-mindedly wandering to the wine fridge and pouring a cool, crisp glass of white.

  The laptop pinged again and I waltzed straight back.

  Ooh, some good choices there. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s nest is definitely in my top ten and I did actually read the Hunger Games trilogy – great books, much meatier than my usual literary indulgence of Biff and Chip books!

  As for the song choice, it’s like you can read my mind – best song ever.

  I’d add Forrest Gump and Gladiator to the movie list though and book-wise . . . 1984 was great. I loved Moby Dick but am a real sucker for Stephen King and James Patterson.

  I feel like I know you well enough now to confess, I’m partial to the odd Minions movie and I did really like Notting Hill (just don’t tell my mates or I’ll be forced to deny it).

  I clasped my hand to my mouth before I laughed aloud and woke James up. I found myself really warming to Andrew despite him being so different to James, who was my usual type if I even had one. For Megan, he’d definitely do for now.

  What foods do you like?

  Andrew

  x

  ***

  I don’t know what time I ended up going to bed, but I didn’t wake up until ten, so of course, James had already gone to work. I felt a little guilty for neglecting him and the house so I decided to surprise him for lunch. I knew he’d be too busy to go out for lunch so I packed a picnic hamper with his favourite foods and headed over to his office for an indoor working picnic. I even contemplated wearing nothing beneath my Burberry mac but shook the thought out of my head immediately, it was a step too far – if he was snowed under he’d reject me, and I wasn’t for going through the embarrassment of that again, plus there were a whole host of other things I could see going wrong.

  I texted Kate and asked her to meet me at the car park opposite the chambers again so we could continue our stakeout later that afternoon.

  I opted for a low-cut cami with skinny jeans. Megan had been working my body hard, and I wasn’t at all feeling self-conscious about my bottom or bingo wings, so I thought I’d wear the outfit while things were sitting nicely and I was sure James would appreciate it. I did wear my mac but open so as not to cause a stir in James’s testosterone-filled offices. I once wore it fastened over a dress to York races and at least three drunken punters asked if I was naked underneath. I wanted to ensure there were no illusions of a topless Charlotte under there.

  James was on the telephone when I entered his office. The conversation sounded heated so I quietly tiptoed to the desk and set the basket upon it. I arranged for his PA to bring some coffee and water and set out the plates while I waited.

  ‘Charlotte, what are you doing here?’ he said once he’d put the phone down. My heart sunk in my chest but I plastered on a smile to keep a brave face.

  ‘I know how hard you’ve been working, and I know I’ve been a little preoccupied with things recently so I wanted to make a bit of an effort to spend time with you.’

  He sighed before softening his tone. ‘Sorry, darling, it’s very thoughtful of you. It’s just been a testing morning. This looks great.’ He took a bite out of a large deli-counter olive.

  I relaxed a little and put out some cured meats, bread, and cheese. He tucked in silently, giving me a little smile when I caught his eye. He was still so handsome, even as the signs of ageing became apparent: those little crow’s feet that no longer disappeared with his smile, the deepened line along his forehead that no longer required raised eyebrows to be seen, and the sprinkling of grey around his temples all added to his attractiveness. Men seemed to age like fine wine; women (or just me), on the other hand, seem to be stuck with the ageing grace of a prune.

  As I took a bite out of a piece of crusty bread there was a knock on the door before it burst open.

  ‘Excuse me, Mr Emsworth, your two o’clock has arrived. Would you like me to let them know you’re running late?’

  James checked his watch and wiped his mouth with a napkin. ‘No, no, I’ll be through shortly.’ He gave me an apologetic look and I smiled back. It wasn’t his fault, and at least I felt better for making an effort at being an actual housewife since it was my only job. I started to clear up the plates. ‘Should I leave you the basket?’

  ‘No, no,’ he glanced at his phone, ‘actually, yes, would you mind?’

  ‘Of course not – I made it for you.’ I made my way around the desk and bent over to kiss him, fully aware that my low-cut top would be revealing far more than should be seen at two in the afternoon. He let out a low moan in acknowledgement.

  ‘Well, come home early,’ I said, planting another kiss on his forehead.

  He twisted his mouth. ‘I don’t know if I’ll manage today.’

  ‘It’s a good job I love you.’ I kissed him once more before leaving.

  I passed the time shopping while I waited for Kate to meet me at the car park.

  ‘Well you’re at least dressed for the occasion today,’ I said as she arrived ten minutes late.

  ‘I bought new trainers and everything.’ She was dressed head-t
o-toe in the latest Stella McCartney gym wear.

  Before I could say anything else, Samantha emerged from the chambers. She pulled her mac tightly around her waist.

  ‘I wonder if she’s naked under there,’ whispered Kate.

  ‘Seriously, can’t a woman wear a mac?’ I scolded. When Samantha was far enough ahead, I nodded at Kate. ‘Let’s go.’ We followed her as she headed in the same direction as the day before.

  ‘That’s it, that’s exactly where she went yesterday!’ Kate pointed at the familiar office. The one I’d just come from.

  ‘That’s James’s office,’ I said, a little surprised.

  ‘No!’ gasped Kate. ‘Maybe he could shed some light on why she’s always popping in.’

  ‘Maybe,’ I replied. ‘Didn’t you notice “Emsworth, Haiden & Haiden Law” written above the door yesterday? It might’ve saved us some time!’

  ‘I saw the word “law”, but a really handsome George Clooney lookalike was going in around the same time and he gave me the eye.’ It could have been either one of the Haiden brothers as they both bore the resemblance.

  I sighed. ‘I’ll speak to James later and see what he knows. It’s likely to be just work-related. I think we need to investigate her weekend hobbies next.’

  ***

  James ambled in just after eight. I’d made a mushroom risotto, and his portion was sat on the side awaiting a microwave reheat.

  ‘Hello,’ I said as he traipsed over to his dinner and peered under the plastic cover to see what it was.

  ‘Hello,’ he replied, turning back around to kiss me on the head.

  ‘Another late night?’ I asked as he turned back to heat his food.

  ‘Yes.’ He rubbed his eyes. ‘I’m hoping it won’t be for much longer.’

  I was hoping so too. This whole case was taking its toll, and at the risk of sounding like a needy, demanding housewife, I was starting to wonder if we even shared a connection any more. We weren’t even passing ships in the night – he was a submarine and I was the international space station and this was our equinox. I sighed and allowed my shoulders to sag. But he didn’t pick up on it, and I was too proud to say anything. Instead, I silently poured us both some wine and sat at the dining table. It didn’t seem like a good time to quiz him about Samantha, but I was on a mission and I couldn’t let Sam down.