How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship: What You Need to Know About Domestic Violence

by Donna J. Farris

  ***“…put on the full armor of God that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil…” Ephesians 6:10-18

  ***“But the Lord is faithful and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3

  To the Abuser:

  ***“The one who loves violence, His [God’s] soul hates.” Psalms 11:5

  ***“Do not trust in oppression...” Psalms 62:10-12

  ***“...for the mouth of those who speak lies will be stopped.” Psalms 63:11b

  ***“...they hold fast to themselves an evil purpose; they talk of laying snares secretly; they say, ‘Who can see them?’ They devise injustices, saying, ‘We are ready with a well conceived plot.’...But God will shoot at them with an arrow; suddenly they will be wounded. So they will make him stumble; their own tongue is against them; all who see them will shake their head. Then all men will fear and will declare the work of God, and will consider what He has done.” Psalms 64:1-10

  ***“...then I perceived their end. Surely Thou dost set them in slippery places; thou dost cast them down to destruction. How they are destroyed in a moment! They are utterly swept away by sudden terrors.” Psalms 73:17b-19

  ***“...the Lord hates…haughty eyes…a lying tongue…hands that shed innocent blood…wicked plans…one who spreads strife among brothers…” Proverbs 6:16-19

  ***“Evil men do not understand justice, but those who seek the Lord understand all things.” Proverbs 28:5

  ***“...but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.” Proverbs 10:6b

  ***“Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.” Proverbs 3:7-8

  ***“He who despises his neighbor [or his wife] lacks sense.” Proverbs 11-12

  ***“The merciful man does himself good, but the cruel man does himself harm.” Proverbs 11:17

  ***“A quick tempered man acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated.” Proverbs 14:17

  ***“He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.” Proverbs 14:29

  ***“There is a way that seems right to a man; but its end is the way of death.” Proverbs 16:25

  ***“A worthless man digs up evil, while his words are as a scorching fire. A perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends. A man of violence entices his neighbor, and leads him in a way that is not good. He who winks his eyes does so to devise perverse things; He who compresses his lips brings evil to pass.” Proverbs 16:27-30

  ***“A man of great anger shall bear the penalty; for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again.” Proverbs 19:19

  ***“What is desirable in a man is his kindness, and it is better to be a poor man than a liar.” Proverbs 19: 22

  ***“The violence of the wicked will drag them away, because they refuse to act with justice.” Proverbs 21:7

  ***“‘Proud', 'Haughty', and 'Scoffer', are his names, who acts with insolent pride.” Proverbs 21:24

  ***“He who says to the wicked, 'You are righteous', peoples will curse him, nations will abhor him; but to those who rebuke the wicked will be delight, and a good blessing will come upon them.” Proverbs 22:24-25

  ***“…let the wicked forsake his ways…For He will abundantly pardon…” Isaiah 55:6-9

  ***“[God speaking]…should I not have compassion on…persons who do not know the difference between their right and left hand?” Jonah 4:11

  ***“…the Lord is witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously…” Malachi 2:13-17

  ***“....it is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice’. For I did not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” Matthew 9:12-13

  ***“…whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble...it is better for him…that he be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 18:5-7

  ***“…he who resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God…” Romans 13:1-7

  ***“…love is the fulfillment of the law…” Romans 13:8-10

  ***“…remove the wicked man from among yourselves.” I Corinthians 5:9-13

  ***“But if anyone does not provide for his own, especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.” I Timothy 5:8

  Chapter 4 - Practical Ways to Help a Friend

  You may have a friend, relative, co-worker, or neighbor who is being physically abused. You may have witnessed the violence, heard the arguments, seen the injuries, or for various reasons merely suspected there was something wrong. What should you do? Below are practical ways you can help save lives, heal broken hearts, and perhaps restore fractured relationships.

  ***If you see or hear an assault in progress, CALL 911. Don’t wait! Do not try to physically intervene yourself. These are violent, criminal, dangerous acts.

  ***Encourage your friend to fully cooperate with law enforcement and not take revenge into her own hands.

  ***Educate yourself about domestic violence. Simply put, it is about power and control. Period!

  ***Know that domestic violence is a violent crime and is never acceptable at any time for any reason. There are no excuses for relationship violence.

  ***Help your friend understand that domestic violence is an abomination to God and nowhere in the Bible does God ever command nor expect a woman to “submit” to such terror and brutally, no matter what her abuser may tell her. She has every right to take appropriate actions to protect and preserve her life and the lives of her children.

  ***Help your friend understand the violence is not her fault and she has done nothing to deserve it. Her abuser is solely responsible for his actions, both legally and theologically.

  ***Let her know she is not alone. Millions of women from every walk of life have been abused by their intimate partners.

  ***If she says she is afraid, believe her! Encourage her to trust her instincts.

  ***Encourage your friend to call 911 the first time violence occurs. She may not get another chance to ask for help.

  ***Don’t ignore your own instincts. God has put you in a position to notice what others may not see or what others may not be willing to address. Your inaction may result in serious bodily injury or possibly even death.

  ***Help your friend recognize the cycles of violence. Prepare her for the contrition and promises of change to come from the abuser following a violent outburst. Let her know in spite of his promises, the violence will continue and escalate without some kind of crisis intervention: i.e. separation, legal and pastoral intervention, or prosecution.

  ***Tell her the truth. Don’t minimize her risk. Without immediate intervention and long-term counseling the violence will reoccur.

  ***If an assault has recently occurred, strongly encourage her to seek immediate medical attention. Her injuries may be more serious than she realizes. If appropriate, offer to take her to the Emergency Room or to a doctor’s office. Be cautious if taking her to her regular family physician.

  ***If your friend thinks she is being watched or followed, or her conversations monitored, they probably are. Encourage her to use extreme caution. As soon as possible, assist her in creating a Safety Plan for all contingencies. Encourage her to notify local law enforcement of her concerns.

  ***Encourage her to keep a detailed log of all harassing encounters, phone calls, emails or text messages, or stalking incidents.

  ***Explain to her the many ways her actions and conversations can be monitored in this day of technology. Help her examine safe ways to use smart phones, GPS tracking systems in her car, home computer internet usage, baby monitors, Facebook, other social networking sites, etc. These are easy to monitor and track without her knowledge. Help her find ways to minimize the risks of unwanted surveillance.

  ***Reaffirm your friendship a
nd support. You may be the only person she has ever confided in about the violence in her home. Whether or not you agree with her decisions, let her know you will always be there for her. She needs to know she has trustworthy Christian allies in this crisis and that she is not alone.

  ***Affirm your belief in her intelligence, value, and decision-making skills. Help her think logically, step-by-step through her options. Strengthen her problem-solving abilities, while helping her honestly evaluate the consequences of each action.

  ***Don’t rush into providing quick solutions or offer “pat” answers to the enormous challenges she faces.

  ***Carefully gather the facts. Ask gentle, but direct questions. She may be very uncomfortable at first. Let her know you are not prying, but have serious concerns about her safety and because you care, are seeking only the truth.

  ***Be patient as she tells her story. It may be very difficult for her to honestly share her abusive experiences.

  ***Listen without judging. As abused women usually believe their abusers’ negative messages, your friend already feels inferior and inadequate. She needs to know she can safely share her deepest thoughts and emotions without fear of condemnation or ridicule.

  ***Unless she is putting herself or her children in imminent danger, honor her choices, even if you disagree. Support her. Don’t try to control her.

  ***Let her know there is help available when she decides to leave. Give her a listing of the domestic violence hotlines, shelters, programs, and legal advocacy services in your area. Look in the Yellow Pages under “Domestic Violence Services” for local information or contact your local police or sheriff’s department for a list of qualified referral services in your area.

  ***Be an advocate for her children. Let them know you are there for them as well. If appropriate, give them your phone number in case of emergency. Help the children identify and obtain appropriate local support services as well.

  ***If she has a faith-based world-view, help her understand domestic violence is never acceptable to God. She has every right to take steps to protect herself and her children.

  ***Be very aware of your own beliefs, opinions and theological biases regarding male/female roles, marriage, domestic violence, separation, divorce and remarriage. Search the scriptures and ask God to give you new insights into His heart and mind regarding these issues. Don’t be afraid to let God challenge your own preconceived spiritual beliefs.

  ***She may ask your assistance in obtaining a Temporary Restraining Order, a legal separation or to begin divorce proceedings. She may ask you to be a material witness to those proceedings. Prayerfully decide how you will respond should this occur. No one wants to see a marriage come to an end, nor are most people willing to idly stand by and watch innocent lives destroyed. However for many Christians, these can be biblically challenging requests.

  What you must remember is that ultimately, only your friend knows what she must do to protect her life. And it is not a sin for her to take all steps she deems necessary to ensure her safety. Encourage her to seek God’s wisdom from His word, and pray with her. Then support her decisions regardless of your personal opinions. Trust that her life is in God’s hands. And trust that as you pray, God will guide her steps.

  ***Your friend may need transportation to a safe shelter in the middle of the night, financial assistance, help finding a place to live, a place to store her belongings, or someone to take care of a pet. Ask God how He would have you help and communicate to her your availability and boundaries.

  ***She may need temporary safe housing. Shelters are often full. Decide whether or not you are comfortable bringing her into your home. If you allow her into your home, take prudent and appropriate precautions as the situation warrants.

  ***Avoid judgmental statements like, “I can’t believe you stayed so long!” “It can’t be all that bad!” “He is such a good Christian man. He’d never do anything like that!” “You know, God hates divorce.” All such statements only reinforce the abusers messages that she is in fact “crazy”; that something is really wrong with her; and that she is the primary “problem” in the relationship, not the abuser’s violence.

  ***Maintain confidentiality at all times, unless lives are in danger. This statement cannot be overemphasized! Avoid gossip. A careless word on your part could put her life in further peril. You must guard against letting information about her situation “slip” to her abuser, other family members, her children or their friends, at church, in prayer meetings, or in a Bible Study group or perhaps even to church leadership.

  ***If you know both parties in the relationship you need to be very careful when communicating with the spouse or abuser, as you may unwittingly put your friend at risk. You may need to avoid contact with him for a time, until you are certain your friend is in a safe environment.

  ***If your friend decides to remain in or return to an abusive relationship, decide on a secret code that will not arouse suspicion which she can use to communicate to you she is in imminent danger and wants you to call the police on her behalf. Assure her that if she ever gives you the secret code, you will immediately call 911.

  ***If your friend decides to remain in the home in spite of the violence, get her a copy of a “Safety Plan” available on many websites providing battered women’s services. Then set a time to help her answer each question and think through the steps she can take to save her life during a violent episode. Make sure she keeps the Safety Plan hidden from her abuser.

  ***When she is ready to leave the home, remind her to take important papers with her, such as driver’s license, birth certificates, passports, verification of citizenship, green cards, checkbooks, bank and credit card statements, mortgage documents, medical records, school records, wills, health insurance documents, etc. Help her obtain legal copies of these documents so their absence will not look suspicious in the interim.

  ***Find a way to communicate the grave threat that exists if she remains in an abusive relationship knowing her children are also being physically abused. No matter what her rationale, she could be held legally accountable as an accomplice to child endangerment. She could face criminal prosecution and potentially the permanent loss of custody of her children.

  ***Let her know if at any time you suspect the children are in danger, you will notify the appropriate authorities on their behalf, with or without her consent. Let her know you will be loyal to her as her friend, but you have an obligation to the children as well. God will direct you if and when this becomes necessary.

  ***Watch for signs of serious depression or suicidal intentions in your friend. Get professional help or counsel when needed.

  ***Encourage your friend to take care of her personal health and hygiene. Help her find ways to get the rest and nutrition her body needs to remain strong.

  ***Encourage her to avoid drug and alcohol usage. She will need all her mental and physical strength to adequately cope with the difficult decisions which lay ahead.

  ***Help your friend find something to laugh about and be thankful for. Help her see the beauty of nature and the world around her. Remind her to worship and praise God every day and to take her mind off her own troubles and focus on God’s goodness, mercy and great love. God’s love remains a constant reality in her life, even if nothing else remains.

  ***Help your friend reconnect with enjoyable hobbies, sports, or other activities which bring her pleasure and joy.

  ***Help her understand change is possible. There is hope for her future, her children, and even her abuser.

  ***Encourage her to reconnect with her faith community. If they are not supportive, or if it is unsafe for her to return, she may need to change her place of worship. Help her relocate to a safer faith community.

  ***Remind your friend of the power of prayer. Offer to pray with her on a regular basis. Set aside time on a daily basis to intercede for the health, safety and spiritual well being of your friend. Take every opportunity to assure her God is still in control and wil
l be with her no matter what she may face.

  ***Ask God to give you specific scriptures verses that will help her see her incredible worth and value to God and give her the courage to make any necessary changes in her life.

  ***Purchase Christian materials on Domestic Violence to educate yourself and your friend on the complex dynamics of domestic violence.

  ***If your friend attends a church hostile or indifferent to the needs of battered women and children, or your friend begins to feel manipulated by church leadership, using Bible verses to pressure her to remain in a dangerous environment, recommend she find a different place of worship. Leaving long time church friends and familiar surroundings is difficult under the best of circumstances. God desires for the Body of Christ to be her closest ally during this difficult time. Help her find other Christians who will support her and her children without condemnation.

  ***Hang in there no matter what happens! Remember God called you to assist your friend and He will strengthen and guide your intervention. Hold fast to the knowledge that your faithful friendship and loving sacrifice will make a difference. And know your ongoing support and encouragement are combating the evils of domestic violence. Your efforts are saving lives, one of which may be the very life of your friend.

  [GENDER NOTE: As 96% of the victims of domestic violence are female and their perpetrators are male, for ease of reading victims of domestic violence have been referred to as female and their perpetrators as male. However the author is fully aware this is not always the case. Likewise, readers should note that the author’s area of expertise is dealing with the dynamics of violence within heterosexual relationships therefore such is the focus of this work.]

  Conclusion