How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship: What You Need to Know About Domestic Violence

by Donna J. Farris

  My husband says if I hadn’t provoked him, he wouldn’t have lost control. Is this true?...Every person has the right to respectfully express their personal feelings and opinions without fear of reprimand. A woman has the right to express her anxieties, fears, hopes and desires. She has a right to ask questions and get a civil response. She has a right to disagree with her husband and to expect mutually-respectful conflict resolution. And she has the right to be involved in the decision-making process in her marriage.

  The problem is a controlling man views all such “rights” as a threat to his pattern of control. He views her individual expression as provocation and a challenge to his authority. The abuser sees his wife as a possession instead of a person with inherent human value. He does not have the ability to recognize his wife as a partner and the equal member of a team.

  Nevertheless, the abuser is personally responsible for his reactive behavior. No one else is to blame. No woman deserves to be physically abused, no matter what she does or does not do. Short of genuine self-defense, no behavior justifies violence, no matter what the provocation. The mature, responsible male should be in control of his anger, which may mean taking a “time out,” until he is ready to responsibly address the conflict. The problem is the batterer does not possess such skills, and needs professional intervention and counseling to acquire them.

  What’s the difference between power and authority?...“Power and authority must not be confused”, cautions Charles Colson. “Power is the ability to affect one’s ends or purposes in the world. Authority is having not only the power (might), but the right to affect one’s purpose. Power is often maintained by naked force; authority springs from a moral foundation. While power is not inherently evil, it is ‘inherently corrupting.’”

  Violence is a sign of the batterer’s choice to allow the authority given him by God as the servant-leader of his family to become corrupted into an unrestrained, self-serving demonstration of his “power” over the family. The Bible says, “The evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.” The batterer is a living example of the truth of this proverb.

  Shouldn’t a wife just learn to be more understanding of her husband’s needs?...Typically, most battered women already exert tremendous amounts of emotional energy attempting to meet the needs of their abuser. Along the way, women also become expert at hiding the truth not realizing their actions are in fact reinforcing the very violence destroying their lives.

  He hits her. The neighbors call the police. She says she fell and refuses to press charges. She repeatedly thwarts the efforts of law enforcement to bring the criminal in her home to justice. She skillfully hides incriminating evidence and makes excuses to his employer. In fact, after every violent incident most battered women are busy not only nursing their own wounds, but ensuring no one finds out how they were inflicted.

  But by working to consistently conceal the batterer’s behavior, the battered woman only succeeds in negatively reinforcing his violence. And by doing so, she is actually reinforcing tantrum behavior in a man who on the exterior may be very macho, but inside is as possessive as a two-year-old child.

  Rather than learning techniques for being more sensitive to her husband’s desires, the wife of a batterer needs to learn to let her husband grow up and bear the full consequences of his violent actions. He needs to learn to take responsibility for controlling his impulses and the only way this will occur is if she stops shielding him from his actions, no matter how painful the repercussions.

  If a Christian wife would just learn to be more submissive, wouldn’t her husband’s behavior change?...It is a popular conviction that by submitting to violence a woman will win her husband to the Lord or, in the case of a Christian husband, help him see the error of his ways. However, accumulating clinical evidence suggests that the single worst action a victim can take is to submit to an abusive partner.

  Researcher Megan Jobling asserts that the submissive behavior of battered wives might itself provoke their husbands. And in his book, Family Violence, George Thorman contends that a battered woman’s use of compliance as a coping strategy can be dangerous since in many cases the more submissive she becomes the more her husband will abuse her.

  How can an abused wife persuade her husband to get help?...She can’t! The single best course of action is for the battered wife to get help for herself. As she begins to develop her own personality, her own individuality and set personal goals and boundaries, her abuser will start feeling left out and will start reacting to his loss of control. If there is physical violence in the home, consequences are the only things the abuser will understand. This may mean a time of structured separation under the supervision of a trained counselor. Most of the time, the abuser is motivated to change by loss and the fear of abandonment.

  How can anyone help restore a marriage without counseling the couple together?...First things first! It is too dangerous to discuss the problems of marriage until everyone is safe. Any problems with conflict resolution or communication cannot be realistically discussed while the husband is blatantly abusing power. Trust and confidence cannot be developed unless safety is first achieved.

  Adequate attention needs to be given to ensure both the wife and the children are safely housed away from the abuser’s reach. Until that has been achieved, and the abuser has agreed to honor the new living arrangements and submit to the counseling process, no amount of marriage counseling will change the destructive dynamics of that relationship. Many experts believe that couples need to live separately and individually undergo counseling for at least two years before any discussion of cohabitation should be entertained.

  When Christians talk about reconciliation with the abuser, don’t they really mean that the woman should just, “Kiss and make up?”...In secular arenas the term, “reconciliation” is considered tantamount to demanding that the abused woman stay imprisoned in the cycle of violence. Nothing could be farther from the truth!

  It is no small matter to speak of reconciliation between a victim of physical and emotional abuse and her abuser. “Brutality, no matter who commits it, confronts us with one of the most agonizing crisis of forgiveness,” says ethicist Lewis Smedes. “And forgiveness,” he notes, “is a miracle that has no equal. While certain steps can and must be taken if reconciliation is to be set in motion, true reconciliation involves healing, and that is the work of the divine.”

  There would be no reconciliation were it not for Christ’s redemptive act in history. The source of reconciliation is God, "who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:18).

  The substance of reconciliation is hope grounded in the fact that Christ overcame death and provided the avenue for us to be reconciled to God and one another. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the hope of change for both the batterer and those abused.

  Chapter 3 - What the Bible Says About Domestic Violence

  Since God is inevitably used to perpetuate spousal violence, how are family and friends to know how to accurately handle the “words of life,” confident they are offering their loved ones unadulterated, godly encouragement? The answer is both simple and vital. They must go directly to the source!

  Through close examination and meditation upon the very words of God - the Loving Designer of the institution of marriage - both victims and perpetuators will be able to discern between what is and is not true about their individual identity and incredible human worth. Men and women will discover God’s good purpose for their lives, as well as the duties and responsibilities towards their spouse. By concurrently seeking to understand and embrace biblical truths, couples can be reconciled to God first. Then with His strength at their disposal, couples can begin the process of moving towards the restoration of relational harmony in their homes.

  The following portions of scripture will provide honest, straight-forward insights into the heart and mind of God regarding the tangled web of deceit known as “domestic violence.”
Selected to circumspectly examine the varied issues, these verses are loosely grouped by topic. However such groupings in no way limit their spiritual and personal application.

  General scriptures for yielded, Spirit-filled Christian living:

  ***“and looking upon them Jesus said to them, 'With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’" Matthew 19:26

  ***“...Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple...” Luke 14:26-35

  ***“Do not be conformed to this world…but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is.” Romans 12:1-2

  ***“And He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.” II Corinthians 5:15

  ***“Bear one another’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

  ***“And let our people also learn to engage in good deeds to meet pressing needs, that they may not be unfruitful.” Titus 3:14

  ***“If you see your brother…without clothing…daily food…and do not give them what is necessary...what use is that?” James 2:15-16

  ***“He who shuts his ear to the cry of the poor [needy], will also cry himself and not be answered." Proverbs 21:13

  ***“Where there is no vision, the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory." Proverbs 11:14

  Causes of Domestic Violence:

  ***“And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden, in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God...and the LORD God called to the man and said to him, ‘Where are you?’ [And the man said], ‘I heard the sound of Thee and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself...’ [The Lord replied,] ‘Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?’ And the man said, ‘The woman whom Thou gavest me,’ [‘it’s all her fault!’”] Genesis 3:8-12. Blame-shifting and refusal to accept responsibility for personal actions is a key component of domestic violence.

  ***“The fool has said in his heart, ‘There is no God’. They are corrupt, they have committed abominable deeds…there is no one who does good, not even one.” Psalms 14:1-3

  ***“God made men upright, but they have sought out many [evil] devices.” Ecclesiastes 7:29

  ***“The hearts of the sons of men are full of evil, and insanity is in their hearts.” Ecclesiastes 9:3

  ***“The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father's iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son's iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself.” Ezekiel 18:20

  ***“...for I know that nothing good dwells in me…in my flesh.” Romans 7:17 - 8:1

  ***“…the mind set on the flesh [self] is hostile toward God…and those in the flesh cannot please God.” Romans 8:6-8

  ***“...for men will be lovers of self…arrogant...revilers...unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited...holding to a form of godliness; although they have denied its power; and avoid such men as these...” 2 Timothy 3:1-6

  ***“What is the source of your quarrels…your pleasures…you lust…you are envious…fight and quarrel…do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God?” James 4:1-4

  ***“Now the deeds of the flesh are evident which are...enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissentions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you and just as I have forewarned you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5:19-21

  ***“For each one will bear his own load...Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption.” Galatians 6:5-8

  Hope and comfort for victims of domestic violence:

  ***“How blessed is the man [or woman] who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked [anyone who does not love Jesus Christ].” Psalms 1

  ***“He restores my soul." Psalms 23:3

  ***“For the LORD God is a sun and a shield; the Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalms 84:11-12

  ***“For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation.” Psalms 149:4

  ***“‘For I know the plans that I have for you’, declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.’” Jeremiah 29:11

  ***“The LORD’s loving-kindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail...they are new every morning...Great is His faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:19-40

  ***“And I will have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion.” Hosea 2:23

  ***“For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the LORD of hosts.” Isaiah 54:4-8

  ***“For nothing will be impossible with God.” Luke 1:37

  ***“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever would believe in Him would not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

  ***“The thief [the Devil] comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy. I [Jesus] came that they may have life and might have it abundantly.” John 10:10

  ***“For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes.” Romans 1:16

  ***“If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31

  ***“All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

  ***“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31

  ***“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing...” Romans 15:13

  ***“If any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” I Corinthians 5:17

  ***“God is faithful who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able.” I Corinthians 10:13

  ***“…we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed…” 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

  ***“…I am well content with weaknesses…for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong…” 2 Corinthians 12:10

  ***“…He Himself is our peace…” Ephesians 2:11-14

  ***“Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us…” Ephesians 3:20

  ***“For He delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in who we have redemption the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:13

  ***“And in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority.” Colossians 2:10

  ***“…and when you were dead in your transgressions…He made you alive together with Him…” Colossians 2:13-15

  ***“God our Father, who has loved us and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace, will comfort and strengthen your hearts for every good work and word.” 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

  ***“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. For once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.” I Peter 2:9-10

  ***“...and He shall wipe away every tear from their eye: and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning; or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

  Promises of Protection to those who love God:

  ***“For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” 2 Chronicles 16:9

  **
*“Hide me in the shadow of Thy wings...” Psalms 17:7-8

  ***“The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; whom shall I dread?…Though a host encamp against me, my heart will not fear...” Psalms 27:1-3

  ***“…the Angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, and rescues them….” Psalms 34

  ***“…I have not yet seen the righteous forsaken…He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in Him.” Psalms 37

  ***“…because he has loved Me...He will call upon Me and I will answer Him; I will be with him in trouble…” Psalms 91

  ***“Be gracious to me, O God...for my soul takes refuge in Thee; and in the shadow of Thy wings I will take refuge, until destruction passes by. I will cry to God Most High, to God who accomplishes all things for me. He will send from heaven and save me...” Psalms 57:1-3

  ***“Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” Psalms 62:8

  ***“In Thee, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be ashamed...Rescue me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked, out of the grasp of the wrongdoer and ruthless man, for Thou art my hope...” Psalms 71:1-6

  ***“Whom have I in heaven but Thee? And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalms 73:26

  ***“Give ear, O LORD to my prayer, and give heed to the voice of my supplications! In the day of trouble I shall call upon Thee. For Thou will answer me.” Psalms 86:6-8

  ***“The Lord is for me: I will not fear. What can man do to me?” Psalms 118:5-9

  ***“He is a shield to those who walk in integrity.” Proverbs 2:7

  ***“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword?...For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:35-39