No Kitten Around

by RJ Blain

  “Kitten and Puppy aren’t psychotic.”

  “They like the elf. They’re definitely psychotic. But they’re our furry psychos. They’re also two rescues for two people who needed to be rescued in more ways than one. As long as I have you, I don’t need a ring.” She snapped the box and held it close to her chest. “But I will cut you if you try to take it back, I’m just saying.”

  As she had more weapons than I did, I had no doubt she’d live up to her threat. “So, is that a yes?”

  “Conditional on one thing.”

  I tensed, and my chest burned from the need for air. Waiting in expectant silence took all my will. What could she want from me? Could I give it to her? I’d find some way to, no matter what.

  Kennedy held her ring box in her mouth, stuffed her hand into her jean pocket, and pulled out a plastic baggie. She retrieved a suspiciously familiar ring from it. She removed the ring box from her mouth with her other hand. “I told her she could beat me as many times as she wanted trying to get you to go for her throat in exchange for a ring. For you.”

  My held breath escaped along with a laugh. “I think we’ve been played, Kennedy.”

  “I think you’re right. So I guess you’re not going to go running for the woods screaming? Honestly, I was worried you’d run for the woods screaming if I popped any questions like this without warning. So, if you accept this ring I accepted as payment for enduring daily beatings, I’ll accept your ring, which you accepted in payment for… I’m not even sure what you accepted payment for, but you bit an elf to get it, and honestly, I have a difficult time topping that.”

  I needed to thank Samantha for not killing me for biting her. “There’s two rings, technically. If I’d done it right, I would’ve only given you the engagement band, but I didn’t know if she’d come back, and I wanted to give it to you before I got killed either by her or some devil.”

  “I’m rather hopeful you’ll survive. She’s going to teach you everything you need to know about fighting a devil. I’ll help you, too.”

  Her helping worried me, but considering I’d gone after an elf for hurting her, I suspected Kennedy would be the ace up my sleeve. No matter how terrifying the idea was, I’d take on the entirety of heaven to protect her, and I didn’t care how much blood I’d shed to secure her safety.

  But I wouldn’t tell her that. She’d worked as hard as I had to earn her place, not behind me hiding, but at my side. “I expected nothing less.”

  “Technically, you’re supposed to wear this one when we get married, but I was planning to propose as soon as the elf left us alone for more than ten minutes, whereas I suspect you were planning to the instant she was out of sight.”

  “That sounds about right,” I confessed. “Although she gave me the rings when you weren’t looking earlier.”

  “I’ve had this one for about a month. She thought I’d get to it first because you’re insufferably stubborn and exist to vex her.”

  “I can’t tell if I’m being complimented or not.”

  “She didn’t kill you, so it’s a compliment.”

  “But I paid her not to kill either one of us.”

  “Do you think money would really stop her from killing and eating either one of us if she really wanted?”

  “That’s a good point.” I eyed Kennedy’s car. “If we pack Kitten and Puppy and leave now, I bet we could find somewhere to put those rings to good use.”

  “While I’m agreeing to marry you, you’re agreeing to a proper ceremony even if it’s a small one. Kick that angel’s and devil’s ass for making a mess of our lives, and I’ll rethink this base requirement.”

  While I had plenty of motivation to remove the angel and devil from my life, her bribe ensured I’d try to put a quick end to any interferences. “Deal.”

  “I think now is the time to inform you that should a devil or angel lift a weapon against you or another mortal, you’re at liberty to kill them without punishment. The CDC has determined your humanity is sufficient to treat you like a standard human, whereas angels and devils do not enjoy such protections.”

  “Who knew it’d be useful loving someone involved with law enforcement?”

  “I’m useful for many things. Come into the cabin with me and I’ll show them all to you. Intimately.”

  With almost half a year of frustration under the belt, I wasn’t taking any chances. I grabbed Redemption, swiped my ring out of her hand, and beelined for the cabin. Her laughter followed me.

  An uninterrupted night with Kennedy did me a world of good, and she even let me wear my ring without needing to marry her first. She considered it a formality. I wasn’t going to argue with her, and for the first time I could remember in years, I slept without my doubts creeping in and eating away at my peace of mind.

  Samantha returned at dawn to wake us as always, although she opted for a somewhat pleasant approach. Instead of her stereotypical attack, she yelled at us until we rolled out of bed to get dressed.

  Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds claimed the elf’s lap the instant she sat at the table, and Puppy, Savior of Worlds showered Kennedy with his affections, leaving me to roll a diamond sphere on the table and amuse myself with the reflections of color and light through its pristine surface.

  “Just because your cat likes me more than you isn’t a reason to sulk,” Samantha scolded. “I’ll be giving you plenty of reasons to sulk today, and all of them deal with this Lucavier fellow. I brought you two that disgusting greasy human breakfast food from one of those abominable chain places. I’m not responsible if you offend your stomach attempting to eat that garbage.”

  After months of eating elf-approved meals, Kennedy and I fell on the paper bags like starved beasts. While I didn’t mind eating healthy food, nothing matched the forbidden fruit of devouring a sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich—or three of them.

  Maybe four. With hash browns.

  “You both realize I didn’t starve you, right?” Samantha huffed. “You don’t have to eat them like they’re going to escape.”

  I joined Kennedy at staring at the elf, unable to mask my doubt.

  She scowled. “I see you also wasted no time exchanging rings. Had I made it out of the driveway before one of you pounced the other?”

  I choked down a bite of my sandwich. “Barely.” The next bite disappeared with equal enthusiasm.

  “And which one of you went for the kill?”

  Kennedy pointed at me without wasting any of her time on words. I eyed one of her sandwiches, wondering if I could get away with stealing it. She loved me enough to want to marry me. A sandwich wouldn’t test too much, would it?

  “Go ahead, Reed. Touch my sandwich. I dare you.”

  As she could still love me when I had only one hand, I scooted away from her, shuffled my bag of food out of her reach, and double-checked to make certain none of my hash browns had fallen prey to her.

  “If you two start fighting over breakfast, I’ll take it away,” the elf warned. “Pay attention. What do you know about devils, their congregations, and their lord?”

  “Little to nothing,” I confessed with a shrug. “I’m part demon, yes, but I never felt any need to look into it beyond an expectation of what might happen if I developed any of their abilities. I was warned from an early age I might suffer from an overactive sex drive. There were also concerns I might become a shapeshifter of some sort. Beyond that, it just wasn’t relevant.”

  “Well, it’s relevant now. There are two differences between devils and demons. Demons are born on Earth whereas devils are born in hell. Devils have a miasma that demons lack. Some devils have teleportation; the stronger ones always do. Considering I suspect this devil wants to bring about an angel’s downfall to unbalance the heavens and hell, I expect he has teleportation abilities. He’s got enough of an ego he’s borrowed from his maker’s name, so I expect he’s a higher ranked devil. However, this isn’t the devil’s style; I doubt it’s a sanctioned attempt, so it’s probable this devil is a rogue
.”

  “A rogue? What do you mean?”

  “It’s simple. Devils under the devil’s direct control don’t attempt schemes like this without approval. It’s absurd, really. There are those who fight to trigger the End of Days not understanding that when it begins, everything ends—even them. I suppose it is the nature of devils to attempt to circumvent the impossible. Only two seeds survive for this Earth. Call it what you will, but it’s what makes the first divines. This Earth was decreed by the powers that be to be born of law and chaos, good and evil. Assign whatever name for it you wish. But I believe I understand why he picked you.”

  “I’m glad someone understands this mess,” I muttered.

  Samantha grabbed an empty wrapper and tore it into four pieces, arranging them in a square in front of her. She pointed at one square. “This is your elven heritage. Consider it a wild card.” She slid it away from the others. “Many like to think humans are to angels as demons are to devils—angels born on the mortal coil. That’s bullshit. If humans were the manifestation of angelic divinity, well, there’d be a lot fewer monsters in the world.”

  I winced at the thought of an elf considering humans to be monsters—and how she wasn’t wrong to do so. “I follow.”

  “Humans are much more complex than being the manifestation of any one thing. In reality, I believe it’s more they’re a manifestation of all things. Devils. Demons. Angels. The divine. You mix all of these things together, and you get a plain, boring, normal human. That’s why when you mix the magical, you get a human. Humans are living potential. They can be anything. But one thing separates them above all: free will. Humans pick their destiny. They always have. They’re the Earth’s natural wild card in a game of the divine. Devils and angels do not have that luxury. Devils have more flexibility as they’re the representation of chaos—or evil. It depends on your view. It’s rare for the children of angels to find each other and marry. It’s rarer still for their grandchild to have an equal mix of incubus and succubus. I suspect angels view you as a threat, devils view you as a tool, and well, humans don’t know what to make of you because you’re everything they’re not.”

  The still, quiet voice deep inside confirmed the truth of Samantha’s words, and I wasn’t sure what I thought about that. “I wish I could say that makes sense to me, but it doesn’t. What do I need to know to get through this charity event alive?”

  “Angels view combat as ceremonial to the point they’ll take turns exchanging blows. Don’t fall into this trap. Whenever you see an opening, take it. By nature, she’ll hesitate if she’s struck at you already without fair retaliation. Even should she fall, that part of her will remain—for a while. Fallen angels are dangerous. They hunger worse than any elf, and you’ll be her first real meal. The longer I think about it, the more I believe the dead pigeons were the first victims of her fall. After falling, she’d seek any way to sustain herself. Even birds have a seed of life, and I believe she stole theirs despite the little good it would do her. In time, she will become a husk of her former glory. In all likelihood, her portfolio will abandon her should she have one within a few weeks. The named angels do. The lesser angels don’t. The lesser angels just fall to the Earth and decay, devouring as much divinity as they can along the way. With so much angelic blood in your veins, a fallen angel will try to devour you first.”

  “Wait, what? If she falls, she’ll do what?”

  “Eat you. Falling rips the divinity out of them and they hunger for what they’ve lost. Think of her as a very intelligent and hungry zombie. In good news, you’ll be like a beacon in the darkness to her, so she won’t attack anyone else first. You’re too big of a source. There’s also the risk of her portfolio jumping to you when she falls. Becoming a vessel, even a temporary one, would complicate matters.”

  “Probability of this happening?”

  “I’m prepared to beat you into submission non-lethally should you inherit her portfolio until an archangel shows up and retrieves it. You’ve enough angel in you that the influx of divinity won’t kill you. While you possess the portfolio, it is critical you obey the tenants of her divinity. Lies are the easiest way for an angel to fall. I don’t think you’ll have a problem. I couldn’t force you into aggression until you came in defense of another. That is very angelic behavior. Your nature is ideal for this. I don’t expect you’ll hold her divinity for long should it jump to you. He might interfere and reclaim the seed of her existence before it has a chance to touch you. We’ll see.”

  “The more you tell me about this, the less I like it.”

  “That is because you’re wise.”

  Kennedy set her sandwich down and drummed her fingers on the table. “What does this mean for him in the future?”

  “Oh, it won’t hurt him for long. If anything, it’ll do him a world of good. Should he inherit the portfolio, he should also inherit the knowledge of how to control his sight. That knowledge should stick around. It’s hard to take away something like that once it’s been given. I expect he’ll change somewhat, but he’s strong for a frail human—and he has enough elf in him to be resilient. I think you’ll find him equal to the challenge. That’s where the next complication comes into play.”

  “There are even more complications? Don’t have I have enough complications?”

  “Should you fight this Lucavier fellow, and should he have a portfolio of his own, you might inherit it, too.”

  I groaned and slumped over the table. “You have got to be kidding me.”

  “You’d have a pretty unhappy day if you inherited both at once. Actually, you’d be a downright mess. Who knows what sort of devilish powers you’d waken or inherit. Imagine if he developed shapeshifting to an incubus form, Kennedy.”

  “Yes, please.”

  I lifted my head enough to glower at my wife-to-be. “You have got to be kidding.”

  “I would never joke about having my very own incubus I don’t have to share with anyone.”

  “I admire a woman with priorities,” Samantha announced. “It’s settled. You inheriting a devilish portfolio would likely result in you developing incubi shapeshifting talents, and should Kennedy be lucky, she’ll have her very own on-demand incubus, one with appropriate elven loyalty. You’ll be a true unicorn of the male species.”

  I recognized when the women ganged up on me, and I saluted the pair. “I’m so glad you’re finding this amusing.”

  “There’s nothing funny about having my very own incubus I don’t have to share with anyone. I literally just went over this.” Kennedy lifted her hand and wiggled her left ring finger. “This says so.”

  “I do look forward to the ceremony. Per elven tradition, you will have it exactly one year from now, and as the granter of the rings, I get to plan it.” Samantha smirked. “And no one denies an elf her way when it comes to a wedding ceremony.”

  I opened my mouth to protest, realized I had no idea if she was yanking my leg or if there was such an elven tradition, and snapped my teeth together.

  “I think you’re right, Reed. We’ve been played.”

  When elves smiled, they displayed all their sharp, pointy teeth. “Indeed. Now, onto fighting strategy. Angels fight fair. Devils don’t. Both will kill you if you give them the chance, so kill them first. Trust nothing either says or does. That will be fatal. They will try to kill you. That is their nature. But your nature is angel, demon, and elf. You are a killer by nature for all you suppress that part of yourself. That is what it means to be an elf. But always remember this: whether you kill is always your choice. You hold life and death in your hands. You control it with your sword. Until it’s time for the meeting, I will teach you everything I know of the way they fight. You will use Redemption. I expect to lose many wooden swords to its edge. For your peace of mind, I will teach you the defense. You’re on your own with the offense, as I know futility when I see it. You both have two miles to run. When you’re back, we’ll begin.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Sam
antha kept her word; beyond basic exercising and repetitious sparring meant to acclimate me to fighting with Redemption, she let us rest and gave our bodies a chance to recover from her training. Without the constant work, I found myself easily bored and prone to pacing. Kennedy had her ways of dealing with my excess energy, but even her allure couldn’t totally conquer my misgivings of the upcoming charity event.

  No matter what happened, I expected my days at my work were numbered; the contract posed more trouble than anyone wanted to admit, and the best thing I could do for the business was to find some way to ruin negotiations. I knew it, my boss knew it, my boss’s bosses knew it, but with so much money on the table, failing to secure a signed contract would ruin me.

  Everything converged onto one night at a museum.

  “Why do these things always happen at a museum?” I complained, adjusting my tie for the hundredth time. “And what sort of idiot allows weapons right on the ticket? It’s literally on the ticket, Kennedy. We’re allowed to bring sharp, pointy objects into this damned charity event. It’s like they want a bloodbath. That’s what’s going to happen, too. Someone—me—will be bathing in blood.”

  She laughed. “There will be an angel or two in attendance. I believe they expect the angel to keep everyone in line.”

  “Is it actually confirmed Luna is coming?”

  “Several angels are confirmed to be in attendance. The one you call Luna will be there,” Kennedy confirmed. “I told you I got the guest list through work. I still think it’s ridiculous you felt the need to notify the CDC you’d be out for an angel and a devil if they crossed the wrong lines. I’ve been assigned as your babysitter. Your babysitter.”

  “You’re my wife-to-be. Doesn’t that automatically make you my babysitter? Women are always saying us men are children. They’re just paying you to do what you already have to do.”

  “That’s ridiculous. You’re going to wear holes through your tie if you keep fiddling with it. Go get your sword and put it on properly, and thank Samantha nicely for getting you an event-appropriate sheath for it.”