Xanth 30 - Stork Naked

by Piers Anthony

  "Here is a complication," Che said. "Surprise waded through love elixir with my alternate self, but both being married elsewhere they chose not to indulge their mutual passion. So they are suffering. I thought the two of you might have some input. How would you feel if for example you were married respectively to Surprise and me, and the two of us were caught by the elixir?"

  "I can hardly imagine being married to any other creature," Umlaut said.

  "Make the effort," Cynthia suggested. "Kiss her."

  "But—" Surprise protested feebly.

  "What is your objection?" Che asked her.

  "Umlaut—he—in my reality he is my husband. I love him."

  "Precisely. This should be an easy coupling to imagine."

  "I admit to being curious," Umlaut said. "Provided Cynthia understands."

  "I do. I'll even kiss Che," Cynthia said. She stepped up and did so. Then she stepped back. "Oh, my. He's quite a stallion."

  "Stop teasing," Umlaut said. He advanced on Surprise, and she was unable to formulate any further objection.

  He kissed her, and she felt the familiar rush of delight and desire. She kissed him back, passionately.

  "Oh, my," he said also, taken aback.

  "I apologize," she said quickly. "In my reality I love you. I can't help responding."

  "She loves you," Cynthia said. "And I could see how I could love Che, had I kissed him before Umlaut. So now we must address the question: how would we feel about Che and Surprise abating a temporary passion born of elixir?"

  "They should just do it and be done with it," Umlaut said. "After all, they are married in this reality."

  "You're thinking because their—our—whatever—relationship is valid here, it would be all right to cheat on our partners there," Surprise said, annoyed. "That's not good logic, is it?"

  "She's right," Cynthia said. "What's right here is one thing. What counts is what's right there. They should not do it."

  "Though their passion then lingers, interfering with their mission?" Che asked her.

  She considered. "Maybe if they brought their partners in to watch?"

  "And really really upset them?" Surprise asked in turn.

  Umlaut was doubtful. "Would it really, if their partners agreed to it?"

  Surprise made a sudden, possibly dangerous decision. "Let's find out. Here are your partners Che and Cynthia. See how they react to the two of us doing it." She advanced on him.

  "That seems fair," Umlaut agreed uncertainly.

  She took hold of him and kissed him, knowing exactly what he liked. She stroked him in the places that turned him on, and whispered the nothings that delighted him. If there was one thing she really knew, it was how to make love to Umlaut, regardless of the reality.

  He responded, as he had to. He kissed her back, and stroked her back, only in neither case was it really her back. It was her front. Soon their clothes were coming off and they were both breathing hard.

  "Stop!" Cynthia cried. "I can't stand it!"

  "Nor can I," Che said.

  They stepped in, and Cynthia was kissing Umlaut, and Che was kissing Surprise. Then he paused, with a visible effort. "But you are not my mate," he said. "You only seem to be."

  "You made your point," Cynthia said. "Don't have that illicit affair." She turned to Umlaut. "As for you, you responded too readily. Couldn't you have managed some decent modicum of resistance?"

  "Don't blame him," Surprise said. "I know how to push his buttons, even when wearing wings."

  Cynthia nodded. "Teach me those buttons."

  "Gladly." There followed a spot education session.

  Then Surprise and Che took off for "home." "That was intelligent of you," Che said. "You made a fair demonstration that proved your case. I almost believed you were serious."

  "I got that way," she said. "It's hard to do a good act without really getting into it. Thanks for rescuing me."

  "You looked like my mate making love with my friend," he said. "My tolerance turned out to be less than I supposed."

  "It is easy to make sensible decisions when it's not your own ramp getting gored. I needed to know how they felt, not how they reasoned."

  "You were effective in evoking an honest emotional response." He paused thirty three percent of a moment, centaurs being precise creatures. "May we accelerate?"

  "I'm not sure I understand."

  "I have learned things about my mate in the course of my association with you. I love you—her. I want to get home to her rapidly."

  Oh. "Of course. I'll fly as fast as I can."

  They flew at top velocity, and soon returned to the Golem house. Surprise Three and Che One were outside awaiting them. "I think they will have figured things out, as we have," Che said as they glided down for a landing. "I suggest we part quickly and amicably."

  "Agreed." He was evidently desperate to romance his wife, and the elixir made her understand all too perfectly.

  They landed. Che Three swept Surprise Three into his embrace as she took the foal, and they hurried into the house. Che One glanced at Surprise, noted her wings, and spread his own wings.

  "Stymy!" she called. "We are returning."

  The stork appeared and joined them in flight. "I trust everything has been resolved?"

  "To a degree," she said.

  "Well spoken," Che agreed. Then, as they gained elevation: "Shall we compare notes?"

  "Did she succeed in seducing you?"

  "She came uncomfortably close. She knew exactly which, shall we say, buttons to push."

  "She would," Surprise agreed, remembering how she had used her knowledge to do the same with Umlaut Three. There was nothing like marriage to thoroughly acquaint one person with another.

  "Only when she had me ready to, um, perform, did she confess that she knew I was not her husband. She had been teasing me throughout, rather more effectively than I thought possible."

  "Che Three said she was a tease."

  "It is surely an ability you also possess, when you choose to exercise it."

  "Perhaps," she said, preferring to retain some secrets. "Che Three returned, and naturally assumed I was his wife, with his foal. He was eager to, well, you know, before I explained. Then we visited Umlaut and Cynthia Centaur."

  "The complementary couple," he agreed. "Your spouse and mine, in our own reality."

  "The surprising thing was that they made a good couple. They plainly love each other. It—well, it broadened my perspective."

  "I understand." She knew he was not being merely polite.

  "It seems that there is no single boy for a single girl," she said. "Umlaut was dazed by Cynthia's bare breasts, when they interacted, and she liked his emulations, and now they're married. It must have been similar with Che Three and Surprise Three."

  "It was. They were introduced by mutual friends, who I now divine must have been Cynthia and Umlaut. She had always been a fancier of equines, as some girls are, and he much admired her assorted talents."

  "I always liked equines," Surprise said. "Even Mundane horses. I suppose that's not coincidence."

  "And I have admired your several talents since I learned of them."

  "So one thing led to another," she said. "It does seem to be a valid match."

  He made an almost humanlike sigh. "Surprise, I fear we are avoiding an issue."

  She understood all too well, but she tried to demur. "I thought we had settled it."

  "That was before we encountered the revelations of Reality Three."

  "Where you and I are married," she agreed.

  "We shall take as given that neither of us wishes to change our state in our own reality, or to hurt our partners in any avoidable way."

  "Given." He was right: what they had discovered had changed their perspective.

  "Yet when Surprise Three addressed me—"

  "When Che Three kissed me—"

  "There would seem to be more between us than elixir."

  "Have you changed your mind?" She did not
need to say what about.

  "I may have, depending on your perspective."

  She thought for barely a tenth of a moment. "I may have also."

  "In fact, after Surprise Three—"

  "You are not merely willing, but in a manner eager." As, it seemed, was she, guilty though she felt about it.

  He blushed. She had not seen that before. "True, though I would never have imagined such a thing prior to the elixir."

  "Nor would I, prior to Che Three."

  "We have suffered what the Mundanes would call a one-two punch. We can no longer deny its impact."

  "I think we should kiss," she said. "To see whether what our alternates can do to us is true for us directly."

  "And if it is?"

  "I wonder whether what would be forbidden in our reality is proper here."

  "That is a pertinent thought. We are in a reality where our love is proper. That suggests that if we are ever to do what we contemplate, this would be the place. It might even be said that we are not the same people here as we are there. What occurs here need not be repeated there."

  He had endorsed the rationale she had not quite been able to formulate on her own. They could emulate their selves of Reality Three, and thereafter feel no need of anything further. They could abate the effect of the elixir. "Stymy!" she called to the stork flying ahead. "Please go on without us. Tell Pyra that we'll be there soon. She will understand." All too well, she suspected. Could the fire woman be trusted to keep her mouth shut at home?

  "As you wish," the stork said, flying on. Did he, too, understand? He was after all in the business of delivering the results of such signals.

  Surprise shut off that thought. "Let's go below. I do not wish to be observed, even though we may be legitimate, here."

  "I comprehend perfectly, and agree. Legitimacy can have alternate interpretations."

  Indeed it could. She had a mental picture of dangerously roiling waters, yet could not help herself. Her desire was driving her on like the breath of a pursuing dragon.

  They circled down, locating a pleasant glade. Of course the most innocent glades could be treacherous; they would have to check it carefully, lest there be a real dragon, or tangle tree, or some other threat. But this one seemed especially appealing.

  Che landed first, and his bow appeared in his hands, an arrow nocked. He turned in place, scanning the verge of the forest. She admired his alertness.

  She landed beside him, ready with her own magic. "I see nothing."

  "That could be because it saw us first," he said with a third of a smile. "But certainly there are no monsters here."

  "Just winged monsters," she agreed. It was humor; all magical creatures bearing wings were by definition winged monsters, though some were beautiful.

  He turned to her. "If you will, for the kiss—assume your normal form."

  That made sense. If she kissed him in the form of a winged monster it would not be a fair test, because the wings would add appeal. They had to know whether they were naturally attracted to each other in their separate natural forms. She banished the wings.

  They approached each other. He stood significantly higher than she did. "Maybe you should pick me up, as Che Three did."

  He nodded. "Oh, Surprise, I fear I already know how this will end. Once we are certain—"

  "Then I will assume a more compatible form for you, as Surprise Three does for Che Three." Form did make a difference, when it came to certain types of interactions. There was no need to specify what. She stood before him.

  "Exactly." He reached down, took firm hold of her girlish hips, and lifted her to his upper level.

  She reached around his human torso, drawing herself close. Their faces came together. They kissed.

  Little hearts exploded outward and formed a dancing cloud around them. She felt as if she were floating, and not just because he was lifting her.

  The kiss ended, but they remained embraced. "Oh, Che, it is true," she said. "Now I know what is meant by a kiss that half-summons the stork. I am very much afraid I love you."

  "Again, I comprehend more perfectly than seems proper," he said. "I desire—"

  His words were cut off by her second kiss. She knew exactly what he desired, as she felt the same. Love elixir normally rendered the participants quickly and thoroughly physical.

  He stiffened, and not in a romantic sense. She broke the kiss and looked around.

  A man was moving erratically toward them. He looked harmless, but wasn't watching where he was going.

  Che quickly set her down, and she retreated behind him, letting him deal with the intruder. Che spun about to face the man, but the man wandered left, then right, and crashed into Surprise before she could avoid him. She in turn crashed into Che, and both she and the man wound up in a heap entangling the centaur's front legs.

  Che reached down and lifted the man up by his collar, holding him suspended in air. "What is this?" he asked.

  The man looked at him. "Oh, hello, centaur. I didn't see you."

  "You crashed into us," Che said.

  "Of course. That is my nature. I am Com. Com Plication. I crash into things, and then they crash too. Pewter wasn't right for a week after crashing."

  So there was a Com Pewter here in Xanth Three. "You're dangerous," Surprise said.

  "Only to things that can't handle crashes," Plication said. "For the others I am merely inconvenient."

  "True," Che said, setting the man down, facing away from them. He meandered on across the glade.

  "I believe we were in the process of discovering something," she said. "If you concur, I will change my shape. Do you have a preference?"

  "Any form will do, as long as it is you. I—" He broke off, spying something else.

  She looked. There was another man approaching. He was roughly human, but so fat as to be globular, and covered with what looked like bits of food.

  This time Surprise took the initiative. She stepped out to intercept the man. "Hello. I am Surprise Golem."

  He stopped walking. "I am Pete. Pete Za."

  "What may we do for you, Pete?"

  He shook his head. "It is what I can do for you. I felt your hunger, so came immediately."

  She did not quite like the sound of this. "My—hunger?"

  "I feed hungry folk. What flavor do you prefer?"

  Che caught on. "Pizza. You make Pizza."

  "Magically good," Pete agreed. "Choose your type."

  It seemed that the only way to get rid of Pete was to accept what he offered. "Mushroom," Surprise said.

  Pete put two fingers to his collar, jerked outward, and peeled off his front section. There it was: a mushroom pizza, steamingly hot. He handed it to her and glanced at Che.

  "Cheese," Che said. The man ripped off another section and gave him a big cheesy disk. Then he went cheerily on his way, having done a favor, he supposed.

  "I suspect he misinterpreted the hunger he felt in us," Che remarked. "But this will do for the moment." He bit into his pizza.

  "Yes." She was glad for the confusion, for she would not have wanted the kind of hunger she felt to be peeled off a strange man's front. She bit into her pizza. It was very good. She was hungry in that manner also, as it turned out.

  They finished eating, and faced each other again. "Now about forms," she said.

  "Another," he murmured grimly. "Two, in fact."

  She turned. A girl was approaching from one direction, and a boy from the other.

  Surprise addressed the girl, concealing her irritation at the interruption. "Hello. I am Surprise Golem."

  "I am Celest. My talent is to summon falling stars." She glanced upward. "Like this."

  There was a brief whistle and thunk as something plunged from the sky into the ground, gouging out a smoking pit. Celest walked across to the pit and dug into it with her dainty shoe, kicking out a five pointed silver star.

  Che intercepted the boy. "I am Che Centaur."

  "I am Aaron. My talent is to plac
e wings on objects, like watches. That makes time fly."

  Celest approached him, kicking the hot little star ahead of her. "What about stars?"

  "Sure." A little set of wings appeared on the star. They flapped, and it flew into the air, circled, and departed.

  "That's great," Celest said. "How about a date?"

  "Sure," Aaron agreed. He put his arm about her waist and they walked out of the glade together.

  "That was convenient," Surprise said.

  "They canceled out," Che agreed. "I think a nice form for you to assume would be—" He stopped.

  Another person was entering the glade. This was a curvaceous girl with honey-brown hair to the middle of her back, with a bit of a curl. Her skin was peach porcelain so that she almost seemed to glow. She carried a short-haired silver and brown cat with a striped tail. But she looked sad.

  Surprise suppressed a hidden sigh. Suddenly this glade had become a major crossroads! "Hello. I am—"

  "I am Nikki. I can see folks' natures." Nikki looked directly at her with amber-brown pupils fading to clear muted gemstone green irises rimmed with blue-gray. "Yours is—that's weird! You're nice, but you're not from anywhere close to here. In fact—"

  "You're very perceptive," Surprise said quickly. "But why are you here?"

  "I need to find a boy who loves cats as I do, and who can get along with Clarabelle." She stroked the cat.

  Meanwhile a young man had entered the glade. "Hi! I'm Dave," he called. "I can look at things from different angles." He caught sight of Nikki. "What a lovely cat!"

  Nikki turned her marvelous eyes on him. "You're Mundane!"

  "I was," Dave agreed. "I liked to cycle and glide. But now that I am encountering folk like you, I believe I prefer Xanth."

  "Do you believe in true love?"

  "I do." They linked arms and departed.

  Che and Surprise faced each other again. "Now that we're alone," Che said, and paused as if concerned that there would be another interruption.

  There was. An old man appeared. "It's good to see you young folk getting together, here in Promenade Glade. That's what it's for."

  Che and Surprise exchanged half a glance. "This is a meeting place?" she asked.

  "Of course. It helps reduce the randomness of such things. Compatible folk tend to be attracted here, just as the two of you surely were."