Collapse: The Tale of Waking Marissa

by Jessica L. Gaffney

  “Stephanie, Rod can’t call Evan’s parents until we can prove that the drugs are his. We need your help.”

  She blew her nose and flopped onto the pillow. “I said no.”

  Marissa stepped closer to the bed. “Steph, I know you are really upset and probably confused. But there’s something you don’t know. Evan confessed to Hawke; he said he planted the drugs in his locker when he first got arrested. Hawke has been covering up for him for years. And he could be in real trouble if we don’t help him.”

  Crouching beside Kirsten, Marissa leaned in toward the bunk. “Will you do this for Hawke? Will you get Evan to confess and put this whole ordeal behind you?”

  Stephanie’s tender eyes settled on her new friend. Her voice cracked. “Evan’s the reason Hawke was arrested?” With her hands full of tissues, she dropped her head. “Oh my God.” She tilted her head. “All this time I’ve been trying to understand what the deal was with those two. Evan’s been riding me about Hawke for months. This is why.”

  “Okay,” she said, determined “I’ll do it.”

  Blotting her eyes, Stephanie’s head turned as a light knock sounded at the door. Marissa opened it, assuming Corbin had come to give them an update. But instead Hawke propped himself in the doorway. She was about to smile but his gaze never met hers. Instead, he looked overhead to Stephanie. “Evan wants to see you.”

  Marissa stepped back as Stephanie pulled herself together. She swallowed hard as she steadied her steps and pushed back her long hair. She walked out of the room with a slight quiver in her step. Hawke left just as abruptly, never looking at Marissa or even acknowledging she was there. She was crushed. How could he do that to her?

  She moved to the door and watched as the former couple strode down the hall to the stairwell. With her hands clutched around the door, she felt her heart pound against her chest.

  She wanted to call after him but her tongue felt like hot tar. The seconds wore on. Soon Kirsten spread her hands over Marissa’s shoulders. At the end of the hall, Hawke opened the door and he and Stephanie disappeared.

  Marissa leaned on Kirsten. “Did I just lose him?”

  “No,” Kirsten whispered. “He’s just walking in a pair of shoes he took off a year ago. Give him some time.”

  Brianna started whimpering. “You don’t know what it was like to watch her go through that. It was really awful.”

  Marissa could feel her limbs shake. How could she stop her mind from racing? How could she calm herself down? Kirsten was right but her fears told her that life was over and this whole house of cards was about to come falling down.

  An hour later, a soft knock woke Marissa from her sleep. The overhead light was humming. She swung her legs out of bed as Kirsten tied her robe and answered the door.

  Hawke stood in the hallway. Marissa watched as he and Kirsten conversed. He still refused to look at her and the bags under his eyes made her worry. All this was taking its toll on him.

  Kirsten turned back. “They need me downstairs. I want the two of you to stay here and get some sleep.”

  “What happened?” Marissa asked. She looked to Hawke, who retreated into the hallway. “Is everything alright?”

  He appeared dazed from whatever had gone on. Kirsten stepped out of the room and made sure Marissa didn’t follow. “Go back to bed. We’ll have this all sorted out by morning.”

  Sorted or not, Marissa felt like someone was torturing her. The swell of anxiety inside of her felt more destructive than the average wave. It was her friend, a safe place where she could worry and fret and not be concerned with what would or wouldn’t happen— because she’d planned out all the alternatives. She had a mental map of every situation before it arose.

  Talk about exhausting. Had she learned nothing from therapy? Before Marissa could answer herself, the stairwell door peeled back and Hawke once again sauntered up the hallway. He passed her door without looking and headed into the meeting room.

  Brianna had grabbed her sleeping bag and was already following Hawke up the hallway before Marissa snapped out of it. “Come on.”

  She pointed to the dark stranger as he burrowed through the door. “Does it look like he wants company?”

  Brianna bristled. “I want to know what happened and he knows.”

  Marissa yanked her bedding off and followed. What was the worst that could happen? Was she going to get in trouble? They were leaving in the morning anyway.

  The girls trailed behind him like two mice. When they opened the door to the meeting room, reality sank in. The fire had died out and no lights were on. The room was deathly quiet.

  Hawke staggered toward the fire as if all life had been drained out of him. The girls watched as he stoked the fire and added a few logs to the coal bed.

  Marissa dropped her bedding onto the couch and cuddled up beside Brianna. “Well,” Brianna jested. “Are you gonna tell us what happened?”

  He lit the fire and stoked it until the flames licked the brick inlay. “It’s been a long night. All I can say is that they’ll both be fine.”

  He wiped his hands on his pants and returned to the chair where Corbin had asked about the drugs. Marissa watched his every move. She unfolded her legs, hoping he would invite her to sit beside him.

  Hawke bounced his thumbs on his lip and locked his eyes on the fire.

  “I just thank God he got caught before we had a repeat. I don’t think I could watch Steph go through that again,” Brianna said.

  Hawke cleared his throat. The guilt of what happened seemed to swirl around him. Marissa’s gaze fell on Brianna, who seemed oblivious to what she had done.

  Hawke lurched forward. “ I’m gonna take a walk.”

  Marissa rustled the blanket off her lap. “Do you want me to come with you?”

  Hawke yanked open the door and retreated to the hallway.

  She looked at Brianna as if her words needed explaining. “Do you have any idea what you just said?”

  Brianna locked her eyes on Marissa. “I only said that...” Her words fell silent. “Oh no.”

  Marissa’s anxiety raced through her system. She let her hair fall over her face. “Everyone’s been so hard on him. And he was covering for Evan this whole time.”

  Brianna leaned over to her. “I’ll make it up to him, I promise.”

  ~~~

  At 3:30 a.m. the lights in room eight went off. Marissa wrapped the blanket over her shoulders and trotted up the hall. She’d been waiting for two hours to go find Hawke. In that time she’d run through the odds of them making it as a couple. She’d battled with the reasons she pulled herself away from him last spring and, even more so, how much she’d regretted that. If she hadn’t stayed with Sean, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant and things would be different.

  With soft steps, she passed her room and kept walking. How many times had she crept past her sisters’ room during their nap, or snuck in through the garage, breaking her curfew? She knew how to be quiet and she knew how to stay safe. What she didn’t know was how to tell Hawke she needed him. She wanted to be found.

  Marissa pressed her nose to the glass and peered through the small window in the top of the door. With the blanket wound around her like a cocoon, she pushed her shoulder into the door and winced. It still hurt from her earlier fall.

  The hallway exit sign provided her only light as she looked to the landing below. She headed down the unlit stairs, shivering with each step. The cold and damp corridor had no vent for heating.

  She swept down the stairs, her eyes scanning the bottom steps. Sleep would not come until she knew he was all right. Her heart stopped. There he was— drawing feverishly with his knees bent as an easel.

  She wondered if he’d asked God to keep her away because he wanted to be alone. Her pulse raced as she stepped closer and closer. She wouldn’t disturb him. Approaching him could push him farther away. But inside she ached to help him.

  A few more steps and he would see her. The blanket cascaded behind her as she de
scended the last portion of stairs. With a sketchpad in hand, Hawke cleared his throat as his hand slid over the paper. Her curiosity propelled her even closer. A knot formed in her throat as she waited. Hawke sat so still.

  Unsure of how he would respond, she whispered, “You all right?” His pencil strokes deepened as she scooped up the blanket and attempted to sit down. “Hawke?”

  He wouldn’t look at her. “You can’t be ignoring me after everything you taught me,” she said.

  He draped his free hand over his knee. “I’m fine. I just wasn’t about to let Brianna unload on me. And trust me, she would have.”

  Aware that his sketchpad was the only barrier between them, Marissa treaded lightly. “This isn’t your fault, Hawke. Stephanie held on to you for too long. And you did your best to shield Evan. It’s over.”

  He smiled for a brief second and fiddled with his pencil. “It might be over. But the memories are still there. And I don’t think you want to know about those.”

  She clasped his knee. “You did the right thing, Hawke. You mended things tonight. And she loved that flower.”

  Hawke shook his head. “I never cared about her until tonight when I saw her cry. I had no idea I hurt her.” She huddled beside him as he buried his head. Her throat closed at the magnitude of his agony. She understood what it was like to blame oneself. She’d been doing it for years now. “I ruined everything, my family… my friends.” He glanced up through a wall of tussled bangs. “How did I get like this? How did I let my life slip away?”

  Marissa wiped his cheeks with her thumb. His face drained of life and his heart wrenched with guilt. “We all screw up, Hawke. You’re no worse than the rest of us.”

  She pushed his hair back. “God loves you. He loves you so much.” Hawke closed his eyes. She tugged on his chin. “He put you in my life and I can see that now. Look at me.”

  He dipped his head back. “Hawke Davies, you are the kind of man every girl dreams about. You are incredibly smart, and handsome, and kind, and patient and good.” She warmed his hand with hers. “I want you to forget about what you did and see yourself for who you are and what you’re becoming.”

  Marissa inched closer. “It was you on the drums that brought me closer. It was your drawing that made me understand. You walked out your faith and led by example. And I’m going to do the same thing for you now, if you let me.”

  He opened his eyes and stared at her. She climbed onto his lap and pressed her head against his. “I never wanted to leave you from the second I saw you.”

  Hawke’s resolve began to break. She kissed his forehead. “And I’m not leaving you even if you make me.”

  He smiled as his tired eyes brimmed with tears. She held him close knowing that only love would break his fear— and only love would heal his heart.

  “For nineteen years, Miss, no one has gotten in.”

  She looked at him as he sniffled. Then she opened up the blanket and crawled into his lap. “I am willing to walk this road. I don’t know where it will take us. But I will regret losing you if I don’t try and keep you. We have to try.”

  His smile emerged as he folded his arms around her. Marissa opened the blanket to further unite them. “We’ll make it, Missy. I’ve always known that.”

  “How?” she asked, marveling at their ability to help each other.

  Because,” he said, “when God asked me to draw you, he was drawing me, too.”

  Hawke ran his hands through her hair and kissed her like a groom at the altar. Marissa knew Hawke had found his safe place, like a candlestick at the window, and it was in her heart. And though he might wander again soon, she made sure he knew that she loved him, even if it was too soon to say it.

  “Close your eyes, Miss.” She did as he asked. Hawke slid the sketchpad into her lap. He placed her hands on the artwork. “Now open them.”

  She exhaled as she took in the blending of both their names shaded together in a pair of butterfly wings. In the middle of the page was his last name, with hers in front of it. Marissa Davies.

  Of all the unbelievable things she had seen, this was the greatest. Out of pain and paper, Hawke had healed a significant wound in her heart and placed his promise above it. And if he believed they could make it, then so did she.

  20 A New Beginning

  Breakfast was unusual the next morning. Jared and his crew had joined Hawke and Marissa at their table. Though the conversation was a nice break to the drama from the night before, it felt forced. When Stephanie and Evan walked in with Corbin and Kirsten, the ruckus died down and all eyes turned to last night’s villain.

  The noise dissolved and a hush fell over the room. Then the unexplained happened. Marissa took Hawke’s hand and he squeezed it hard. Evan surveyed the room while Burton stood up from the back and walked forward. He hugged his friend as Evan gave him a one-arm pat. Then Jedd pushed his chair back and walked up. Marissa was stunned. Wasn’t Evan supposed to be in trouble? Shouldn’t his friends abandon him?

  She looked away as a storm of guilt and anger brewed in her stomach. How could they overlook what he did? Before she could compose herself, Evan was headed their way. Balancing his tray, he stood in front of Hawke and cleared his throat. She looked up, unsure of what to say. “I’ve been a real jerk to both of you and I want to apologize.”

  Stephanie put her hand on Evan’s shoulder, and Marissa softened. “I’m sorry for riding you all weekend,” Evan said. I hope you can forgive me.”

  Hawke stayed seated, and Evan turned to him. “What about you? Think we can be friends again?”

  Hawke extended his hand. Evan studied it and then smiled. “Friends?”

  “Friends,” he said, placing his hand in Hawke’s.

  Corbin kissed his wife as they bore witness to the truce. Without warning, that warm ooze seeped through her bones again, and Marissa was at peace. Her anger was still there but she was learning not to give into it. And what a lesson that was.

  Breakfast was full of laughs and random stories as Jared and his buddies talked about yesterday and their stunts on the half pipe. In an odd way, it was as if nothing had happened.

  Rod pushed the morning meeting back to 9:30 a.m., giving everyone time to get reacquainted. On their way over to the lodge, Burton strolled up behind Brianna and finally asked her out. Marissa smiled up at Hawke and leaned against him. His long arms drew her close to him. He was still a bit shy over the whole thing, but the news was out in the open.

  Once Evan confessed, Corbin called Evan’s parents. Stephanie was there as he admitted to what he did with Hawke and where he was buying the drugs.

  As for the rest of the group, no sooner did they reach the Little Lodge when the thwack of a snowball cracked Hawke on the back.

  The group turned as Pastor Rod stood by the bus with an arm full of ammunition. “You guys better run.”

  Hawke grinned from ear to ear as Marissa ducked inside. The girls squealed as they ran in the door and the four boys pummeled Rod and Corbin.

  Stephanie approached the girls with a quiet smile. Brianna hugged her friend. “I am so glad you guys were there for me last night.”

  “We were both worried about you,” Brianna shared.

  Marissa wished she could agree but she was more concerned with Hawke last night than anyone else. “I’m just glad it’s out in the open.”

  “Me, too.”

  Stephanie set her sights on the boys. “It was easy to be there for Evan. Watching him break down like that was so intense. I’ve never seen a boy crumble like that.”

  But Marissa couldn’t agree. She’d seen many men break down. Her father did when the twins were born, and Sean did many times after his games or from being away from her. Hawke broke last night -- twice actually— and now Evan. “They do it so eloquently,” she said.

  Brianna chuckled. “That’s a big word.”

  “I guess.” Marissa stared out the window. Dating Hawke would be easier now that the truth was out in the open. Evan’s confession would
certainly help sway her mother, which was something she tried to forget. The weekend was the perfect refresher for this emotionally drained teen from New Jersey. But one of her biggest questions was still unanswered. Did she belong here, with this group, and would she ever return to it?

  Unlike her relationship with Sean, she couldn’t let what happened with Hawke deter her from getting what she needed if they broke up. She had to come to the meetings because she wanted to and not because of him. And the only way to be sure of that was to just jump on in.

  Marissa pulled Kirsten aside. “I know Rod was asking people to give their testimonies this morning. Do you think I could give mine?”

  Kirsten stepped back, her smile overtaking her face. “I think that would be wonderful. I’ll let him know you’re interested.”

  She hugged Kirsten and perused the room for Hawke. She found him talking with a younger boy in the back of the room. With a big smile he greeted her as she snuck up behind him. He took her hand and led her down front. “Is everything okay?’

  “Everything’s great,” she beamed.

  They took their seats as the lights went out and a slide show of pictures flashed across the screen. The photo journey started back in Chatham as campers loaded up the bus. It picked up later with sleepy passengers and cameos from the rest stop. Someone had actually snapped a shot of Brianna and Stephanie doing their make-up in the bathroom. It then showed the pile of suitcases and bunks being made up. There were stills from worship, including one with Hawke holding his hands in the air. Next was breakfast and the groggy faces of teens lining the hall waiting for their meal. The pictures brought back memories of that first day and how far Marissa had come. She had truly met God on this trip and let her burdens go.

  The crowd laughed as pictures from the ice skating rink and football game portrayed the clumsy and triumphant. They roared when the photo of Jedd and Evan dressed as cheerleaders stayed on the screen.

  When a picture of their skit came up, Marissa looked at Hawke, understanding that for the first time he might have felt like part of the group. A few more slides of skiing and random kids closed out the weekend. The lights stayed off and as the music played, Marissa waited for the warmth of God’s presence to capture her. She closed her eyes and wished for His Spirit to come and live inside her. Knowing that presence and abiding in His forgiveness, she knew that her future was secure.