Collapse: The Tale of Waking Marissa

by Jessica L. Gaffney

  All of her pain and isolation drifted away, a burden she need not carry. Her hands floated up to the ceiling halfway into the first song. Nervousness flooded her but soon disappeared, for in a flash she could picture the tree in heaven, the one that sat there waiting for her— a loving gift from an unseen but loving father.

  She sat there in her mind, fingering the silky rope. Her feet pushed back off the grass and she looked around as if she were waiting for someone. This is Heaven. Why am I waiting?

  She closed her eyes tighter and invited Jesus to meet her under the tree. She turned to the side only to see a brilliant light in the form of man walking toward her. She was so overwhelmed with His presence that she couldn’t speak.

  In that moment, Jesus whispered her name. His voice was full of love and erased any lingering anxiety and fear.

  Again the Spirit of the Lord whispered her name sweetly, like a father waking his daughter in the early morning light. The remaining fears in her heart seemed to be scooped out by his loving words. It felt as if God himself had swept His hand through her body and now held her in His palm.

  Immediately her body loosened and her shoulders rolled back. She felt the freedom from strain as if a great burden had been taken from her hands. When the song ended, everyone remained still. Rod told the people to be seated and pulled a stool up to the microphone. He looked over at Marissa and nodded, summoning her. Her palms were sweating and a fire blazed in her heart.

  A minute later, she found herself on stage, staring out at the people she had condemned earlier that weekend. They looked back at her in amazement, some wondering how she mustered up the courage to set foot on stage.

  Placing his hand on her shoulders, Rod stared down at her. “Marissa Gladstone took a chance this weekend. She boarded a bus with forty strangers and headed to a state she had never been to. By doing so, she also gave God the chance to touch her life. I think we can all agree that Marissa got more than she bargained for this weekend. No matter what happens to her next, I sure hope she will return to our group and call us her new family.”

  When Rod stepped down from the stage, Marissa pulled the paper with her three names discreetly from her pocket. She’d been too ashamed to leave it in the Bible they gave her or in her room, so it stayed hidden in her jeans the entire weekend. With her shaky hands and wobbly voice, she looked around the room. She glanced over at Hawke, who smiled proudly at his girl. Marissa straightened up and returned her eyes to her peers.

  Adjusting the microphone, she took a deep breath and dove in. “I came here this weekend to get away from some things. I guess I thought it would be easier to get on a bus with total strangers and just disappear than to deal with some of the losses that occurred in my life.”

  She cocked her head and smiled. “Corbin said we had to write down things we wanted to change about ourselves. I thought I’d need another piece of paper when he handed me this one.” She waved it about like a flag of surrender. “Some things came to my mind fairly quick.” She took a breath. “Then it seemed like there were too many to choose from.”

  She kicked out her foot and continued. “If I realized that God was real and that He was going to meet me here this weekend, I would probably have listed a thousand things to change about myself this weekend. But I started with three. And these three made room for all the others.”

  She cast her eyes to the floor and imagined her father standing in the back of the room. If he had been there she would run to him and dive into his arms. She missed him. She missed his voice and his smell, his muscles and his jokes. She missed the way he riled up the twins and checked on her at night. She missed knowing he was there and that settled feeling of everything working. Fathers had a way of commanding situations and she needed a general like that in her life.

  Marissa batted away the tears and closed her eyes. She could hear the thump of her heart. She needed to say it out loud and let it go. She had to be honest even if it hurt. “The first name on my list is my Dad. He’s been gone for almost four years.” She opened her eyes and faced the kids. The tears fell as she bit her lip. “I loved him so much and then he was gone.”

  Rod handed her a tissue and sat back down. “My Dad was always there for me. He was the kind of Dad every girl needs.” Shifting, she looked up from her notes. “I guess I kept pretending he was right here, because I know I never really cried. I should have . . .” She fumbled with the paper. “So I pushed my Mom away instead. I got a boyfriend, who made me forget about my problems. But the whole time . . . the whole entire time, I knew I was still grieving. I guess I thought that if I started to cry I would never stop. So I bottled it up inside and moved on.”

  She looked out at the crowd. “But then you realize that life is passing you by. And that even in the pain, you know there’s more. So I began thinking and wondering about a different life, a life without the pain and the scars. It felt odd at first, but that’s how God did it.”

  “This weekend I made a promise to myself and to God that I wouldn’t hide any longer. I asked Him to take it away, like Rod said.” She looked to the man who had taught her so much, who had been as kind to her as her Dad would have been. “When you said that word,” she pointed to Rod, “you said to cast your cares on Him. So I did. I pictured myself standing on a beach throwing these massive rocks in the water. By lifting them up one at a time, I became stronger.”

  Marissa looked to Brianna and Stephanie. “And right after that, things changed. He gave me new friends.”

  The girls smiled.

  “He sent guidance,” she nodded at Corbin in the back row. “So I dug deeper. I forgave myself for being too scared to mourn my dad— which means now I can be strong. Now I can take on other areas that have hindered me. I can forgive myself for making some bad mistakes and choices that really hurt me.”

  She took another breath and closed her eyes. With her hands at her sides, she relaxed. “And do you know what else God did? He surprised me with the biggest and greatest miracle of my life.” Her eyes opened and rested on Hawke.

  He sat forward, cupping his hands over his chin. Rod rested his hand on Hawke’s shoulder. “And when I thought I didn’t deserve it, when I thought I already had my chance, He sent someone who would love me regardless of who I am and what I had done.”

  Her eyes searched the room. “That someone told me it doesn’t matter what happened, that God buries our sins along with our grief. He heals us. And he also told me that what we do today is what counts.”

  Marissa looked around the room. The sun seemed to be glowing in each window. The entire hall was filled with light. Embracing the freedom of being loved and releasing her past was a pivotal moment.

  “I want all of you to feel what I am feeling right now. It’s so amazing to be here and to be free from all of that. I miss my father but I know now that I will see him again.” Her smile dimmed as she turned to Hawke. With a long blink, her tears dropped to the floor and she folded her paper. “Hawke Davies, you showed me more about God than I ever believed could be real.”

  His eyes watered as she locked her gaze upon him.

  “And I’m ready to be His now. I wish my Dad were here to meet you. He would be so pleased to see the man you’ve become.”

  Hawke leapt out of his seat and hugged Marissa. The crowd cheered as Rod took the microphone. Evan and Stephanie rose, and then one by one the entire room joined in the celebration that had brought God’s son and daughter home.

  The End