Let Me Love

by Michelle Lynn

  “You and—Jessa. It’s evident you have some sort of feelings for her.” I’ll give her one thing, she stares me directly in the eye, so she doesn’t miss my reaction to her accusations.

  I laugh, and she turns around walking down the sidewalk. I throw the cigarette to the ground and jog after her. “Hold up.” Grasping her arm with my hand. She spins around at my contact.

  “Please, Trey, let’s just leave whatever this is here. It’s been fun the last few days, but I can’t give you what you want, anyway.”

  “Listen, let me get my coat, and then we’ll talk.” I patiently wait for her response with my hand still on her arm. She looks down at my hand, then up to me, and I release my grip. I give my best puppy eyes to plead my case, and she reluctantly agrees.

  “Fine, you can drive me back to my aunt and uncle’s. We’ll talk on the ride, but Trey, nothing will change my mind,” she tells me. Ignoring her words, I quickly go inside, grabbing money out of my wallet on the way to the table. Tossing the bills down, I grab my coat and leave without a word to any of them. I’m pretty sure it’s a given why I’m leaving and where I’m going.

  A sigh of relief escapes from my lips when I spot Kailey sitting on a bench outside the restaurant. The snow whips around her, sticking to her silky brown hair. With her phone out, her thumbs speed around the screen, while she types a text.

  By the time I reach her, she’s turning the screen off and tucking it in her pocket. “Ready?” I ask, holding out my hand for her.

  “Yeah.” She stands up, ignores my hand and brushes past me.

  Feeling deflated, I tuck my hand back in my jacket before fishing for the keys with my other hand. My gentlemanly behavior continues as I open the door for her and gently shut it behind her. As I make my way to the driver’s side, thoughts rush through my head on how to make this right.

  The engine starts with a purr only this high-end kind of a car can in this cold as fuck weather. Easing out of the parking spot, I make my way back towards her aunt and uncle’s. She finally allows me to take her hand in mine, our warmth spreads together between our cold hands immediately.

  “Can we talk?” I ask her, peering at her from the corner of my eye, hoping she’ll look at me. No go.

  Her body language screams she wants to bolt out of this car, but I’m not about to let her go. I can’t, not until I figure this out. “Trey, forget what I said back there. It’s me....there’s a lot going on with me that I really don’t want to explain.” Her vision remains focused on the snow-covered road in front of us.

  “I’m not asking you to marry me, Kailey,” I assure her, although a part me thinks it wouldn’t be the worst idea I’ve ever had. I’ve definitely had worse.

  “Can you pull over up ahead? At the scenic overlook?” I follow her directions and put the car in park, praying she doesn’t know some secret way back to leave me. “Come on,” she instructs me and climbs out of the car.

  Shutting the door, I bundle myself against the fierce wind and snow swirling around when we leave the safety of the heated seats. “Kailey?” I question.

  “Come over here,” she instructs me to join her right at the edge of the mountain.

  Words can’t express how amazing the view is tonight. The clear sky with the moon casting a shadow onto a lake a hundred feet below us is one straight out of a romantic movie.

  “It’s beautiful, huh?” she asks, and I glance at her and have to catch a breath before absorbing the whole picture. The moonlight shines down across her face, highlighting her soft features and silky hair. Her skin glows under the brightness of the night sky.

  “Yeah,” I agree, but referring to a completely different view.

  “I have a confession,” she admits. Damn it, I knew a girl like her must have a boyfriend. She’s not only gorgeous, but she’s cool as shit with her smartass mouth.

  “Boyfriend?” I give her an out. If I say it first, maybe it will hurt less.

  “I already—wait, what?” She stops talking when she hears my question. “No, do you think... Trey, I wouldn’t do that,” she divulges. So, no boyfriend, and she’s not a cheater from the shocked expression on her face that I would conclude such a thing.

  “So, what is it?” I ask her again, growing more impatient.

  She bites her lower lip, sucking it into her mouth. God, I want that mouth. Her green gems look up at me through her eyelashes, and I’m thrown on what she’s about to tell me. “I knew who you were. I knew who all of you were,” she admits, and I cock my head to the side, confused.

  This is one of the few times in my life, I’m speechless. She stands inches away from me, biting that lower lip that I’ve been dying to suck into my mouth for the past few days. “Why did you act like you didn’t know us?” My initial reaction is to step back from her.

  “I don’t know.” From her steady voice and calm body it appears she’s answering honestly. “I’ve caught your show a few times, and when I saw you guys walk into the terminal at the airport... I wasn’t going to say anything. But, then Dex approached me, and the whole coincidence of sitting between the two of you on the plane.”

  “Why didn’t you say something? That’s great you know we’re in a band, but Kailey, you don’t really know us, you just know our stage presence.” I step closer and I’m about to take her hands in mine when I notice her eyes filled with regret, revealing there’s more than not admitting she knew we were The Invisibles.

  “Trey—I’ve seen you at a lot of bars,” she admits, and I sigh in complete exhaustion of knowing exactly what she saw. “Always with a different girl. Always in a compromising position.”

  “Shit, Kailey, I’m sorry,” I apologize, but nothing can make up for the ass I feel like right now.

  “So, I knew what I was getting when I flirted with you. I wanted someone to distract me this week. Get my mind off things back home. My intentions were to sleep with you, have fun, and then go back to Western and continue my life, but...”

  “You were going to use me?” I smirk at the irony of this situation. “But you never even let me kiss you,” I add.

  “When you came over that first night, I wanted to, but then we started talking, and I found out more about you. That you weren’t just a dog who slept with every available drunk girl. But I still thought maybe by week’s end, my feelings would change, and I’d be able to follow through with my plan. Tonight changed that.” Her eyes find mine again, the light from the moon on the lake below reflects in her eyes. “The way I saw you with Jessa, brought a reaction out that told me I need to step away.”

  “Jessa?” I ask baffled on her conclusion. “She’s my best friend, Kailey, that’s all.”

  “It didn’t seem like that. Not that it’s an excuse for ignoring you and flirting with Dex. That was wrong of me. But I can’t help thinking Jessa is an unattainable prize you’ll always desire.” She backs away from me, turning to face the lake again.

  “You have it all wrong. Jessa’s with Grant and, believe me, I have no interest in her, I never have,” I attempt to reassure her while slowly stepping toward her at the same time.

  She faces me and a tear falls from her right eye. How the hell did we get here? “It’s not the point, really. I mean, if you want her, it’s none of my business. It’s not like we’re anything.” There she goes again, looking me dead in the eye, so I know she’s convinced herself to believe what she’s saying.

  “I thought we might be on our way to somewhere,” I admit, embarrassed.

  “I’m sorry, Trey, but we weren’t. I can’t have more complications right now. I just can’t,” she tries to put a finality to the conversation. I’m still trying to grasp that she was going to use me, but I don’t want her to end whatever this is. Regardless, I’m not about to come off like a desperate twelve-year-old boy begging a girl to be his.

  “Then I’ll take you back to your aunt and uncle’s,” I say, turning around to go to the car.

  “Trey—if things were different,” she attempts to plead
her case, but at this point I could care less.

  “It’s fine, Kailey, just get in.” I don’t wait for an answer, but instead slide into the car. She opens her door and sits quietly next to me. I’m sure my nostrils are doing that flaring thing everyone tells me they do when I’m angry. Since it’s a rare occasion for me to be so thoroughly pissed off, I don’t recognize it first-hand.

  We make the ten minute drive in silence. When I pull up the driveway, the porch light is on, like every other night. I thought for sure this would be the night she granted me permission to kiss her, but it took a very different turn—a turn for the worse. I wait silently in the driver’s seat, eyes focused forward. From the corner of my eye, I can tell her hand is on the door handle while her eyes remain on me.

  “Trey?” she sighs, but I sit there, ignoring her existence. “Fine, if this is the way you want it.” She opens the door and starts escaping the tense confines.

  “Oh no, Kailey, you were the one that wanted it this way,” I sneer, and she slams the car door.

  I watch her open the door and walk into her aunt and uncle’s house. “Fuck!” I slam my fist onto the steering wheel.

  Chapter 4

  The drive back to Jessa’s is excruciating to say the least. If the roads weren’t so icy and dangerous, my foot would be slammed against the gas petal, plunging ahead at warp speed along these curves. I can’t believe she was going to use me. What the fuck? I use girls, not the other way around. I’m half tempted to turn this car around and show her exactly how to use someone for a fuck. I could show her a move or two, and at least then I’d enjoy myself for the mere minutes I would last. But no, I had to go and do the thing I swore I’d never do again; I had to fall for her and that’s exactly the reason I’m keeping my ass in this car to go home and sleep...alone.

  Not wanting to face everyone, since I’m pretty sure they’d all be back from dinner by now, I turn the wheel in the opposite direction as Jessa’s parent. When I come across the bend where I just sat with her only minutes ago, I pull the car over. Throwing my hoodie over my buzzed head, I sit on the edge of the mountain, with my arms resting across my knees. Staring across the open space to the other side of the mountain, my mind begins to wander. Why is Kailey pulling this old version of me out? What is it about her that’s so different than all the other conquests I’ve had? Why is she so god damn special?

  The one constant discovery that keeps recycling through me is a gut feeling buried deep under my ‘I couldn’t-give-a-fuck’ exterior. That’s all I’m going on, which sucks, because I guess her gut isn’t in line with mine. Her body language speak volumes, which her mouth constantly contradicts. This girl has my insides so twisted, I’m contemplating the urge to say fuck the whole thing and disappear out of her life. But, then when I think about not seeing her again, not touching that long brown hair, or not being able to look into those alluring green eyes my heart wrenches. It’s in this moment, I realize, I can’t go anywhere. Unfortunately, that leaves me in the here and now, where she wants nothing to do with me except to use me for a cheap fuck in order to forget whatever the hell her problems are for two seconds. Well, let’s be truthful—I’m good for at least fifteen minutes.

  By the time I climb back in the car, my hands, feet, and face are numb from the cold wintery air blasting around me. Turning the heat on high, I let the tingling sensation hit my fingertips before I ease the car back onto the road. Plugging my phone into the audio port, I allow “Change Your Mind” by The Killers to flood the speakers. My fingers automatically begin tapping to the drum sequence across the steering wheel, letting myself get lost in the one thing that’s a double edge sword between feeling and forgetting—music.

  The house is dark, except for the kitchen light when I pull in the driveway. Since, I’m usually coming back at dawn, I hope I can find my way to my bedroom. I just need to crash, sleep, and forget about the girl who’s slowly causing me to rediscover a part of myself I thought was gone forever. Using Mr. Harrison’s key, I unlock the front door and tiptoe inside. Once I close the door and quietly cross through the foyer, I hear voices. Brady ventures out of the kitchen with a small nod and smirk. How ironic, he thinks I scored. When in actuality, I just got screwed a very different way.

  Going to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, I’m surprised to find Grant leaning against the counter, contemplating something of his own. I’m starting to think we’re all a bunch of fucked up guys. Maybe we should change the band name to Fuckedupables instead of Invisibles.

  Acting like a bunch of chicks, I spill my problems to him. Then a look of shock and amusement crosses his face. “Shit, are you fucking kidding me? Trey Michaels is falling?” His voice rises with pure astonishment, and I push my arms down in the air, telling him to quiet down. I’m just not sure if it was to not disturb the sleeping, or to stop the words coming from his mouth.

  “I might have already fallen,” I admit, twirling the bottle around in my hand. Although it’s easy for me to admit this, all the other bullshit about her only wanting me for my body is staying under lock and key. This whole guarding your emotions thing sucks, maybe girls have the right idea.

  “Give her time. Remember, it’s only been four days.” He attempts to assure me.

  “I just wish I could eradicate her from my mind, obliterate any memory of her.” I shake my head back and forth, sucking my stud piercing into my mouth, as if I can shake her presence out of my head. “I think I have to go get a tattoo tomorrow. That should calm me.” I display my fakest smile, as though a tattoo would fix this invasion she’s executed in my happy carefree life.

  We’re about to venture out of the room when I stop him in the doorway. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

  “What?” He turns around.

  “Were you ever jealous of me and Jessa? Our friendship, I mean?” I ask him Kailey’s concern from earlier.

  “Are you shittin’ me? Of course.” He laughs, making it unclear if that’s a good thing or bad. “You guys are pretty tight, but in the end, I’m happy she has you. You give her things I can’t.”

  “But you give her what she wants and needs,” I add, because I honestly never felt anything for Jessa other than friendship. I temporarily distract her from her problems with Jack and partying, whereas, Grant heals her. That’s the difference between a best friend and boyfriend, at least when it comes to me and Jess.

  “Hey, man,” he clasps his hand on my shoulder, “she’ll get used it. Once she’s around you two more, she’ll see it’s nothing more than friendship.” Grant smiles over at me, and then we make our way down the hall.

  I say good night to him with a fist bump in the middle of the hall, and he disappears into Jessa’s room. Jealously overtakes me, since Kailey’s not waiting in my bed for me. So, instead of going to curl up in an empty bed, I make my way downstairs to the basement, where I last spotted a bottle of Jack.

  Pouring the dark liquid into the shot glass, I toss it down my throat, loving the burn that it leaves behind. I thumb through my phone, looking at the pictures I’ve taken since we’ve been in Colorado. Brady and Sadie, Grant and Jessa, me and Jessa, Dex and Grant, but then I stop and inhale a big breath on a picture of one person. My eyes search every spec of Kailey’s face. I snapped the photo the other night when we were giving our silliest faces. Her green eyes are crossed and her tongue is sticking out. I smile remembering that moment where I peeled off another layer of her. It was the night we played the popcorn game, asking what our favorites were. Needless to say, it was all I could do to conceal my excitement when she told me her favorite sexual position. And with that thought, I need another shot. Screw the glass, this time I pour the shot directly into my mouth.

  How the fuck did I let myself get so consumed by someone, someone I barely know for that matter? Especially after Zoey. I swore to myself after her, I was done with that happily ever after fairyland shit. Tipping the bottle back for another swig, I remember when she broke it off. The fact she changed my whole world
with two words, ‘I’m out’. Who the hell ends a relationship without any sort of explanation? A damn text at that. The thing that scares me the most is, I thought Zoey ruined me, but after a few days this whole thing with Kailey has me more torn up than when I was a girl-crazed boy in high school.

  I guess I always knew it wasn’t really Zoey leaving that devastated me, it was the decision I was forced to make a month prior, which turned me into the non-committal ass I’ve become. The one and only free agent Kailey was hoping to use on her trip. Yep, time for another swig. Wiping my mouth with my sleeve, I flip to the picture with the capability to warm my heart and wrench my stomach all at the same time. Shit, I need to numb myself more, so this time I let the liquid continue to stream down my throat until the pain and guilt vanishes for the few short hours.

  I curl my knees up to my chest, shivering, my face glued to the couch. I peel my mouth away from the leather, wiping the drool as I sit up. Shit, it’s cold in this state. Staring at the practically empty bottle of Jack sitting on the coffee table, regret hits me. I’ll be useless for the rest of today. That is, until I can drown myself into another bottle tonight.

  After I stand up, I attempt to steady myself by holding my arms out, like a toddler on a balance beam, willing the room stop swirling. “He’s down here,” Dex screams up the stairs.

  “Shit, quiet the fuck down,” I tell him, and he laughs boisterously. Jackass!

  “What the hell, man? We’ve been searching all over for you,” he says, plopping himself on the couch.

  “Well, you found me,” I say, sitting back down, grateful for the excuse not to move for the time being.

  “You got to get it together. We’re going to that party at Sam’s tonight. Screw Kailey, there’ll be plenty of girls begging to have your dick tonight.” Dex’s attempt to pull me from this funk, only reminds me of who Kailey thinks I am.