Let Me Love

by Michelle Lynn

  Being the snoop that I am, I open the drawer and a small bottle of perfume rolls down, hitting against the drawer door. I pick up the sample size and slowly take off the cap to smell it. A crisp flowery fragrant scent hits my nostrils. The smell is nice, but I don’t find a name on it anywhere. I half wonder if this was something some girl left behind or worse some ex-girlfriends that he never got rid of. The image of him picking it up and smelling it to remember the arms of someone else pangs me. Suddenly, the last thing I want to do is go back into that room. But how can I hold it against him, I knew he had a past before I got together with him. Fighting every fiber of me that wants to flush the bottle down the toilet, I reluctantly place it back in the drawer and will myself to forget my findings from my snooping.

  I open the door and Trey is staring into his phone, but instantly looks up and smiles at me when he finds me in the doorway. “Do me a favor, baby? Shut that door and swing that latch over it,” he instructs, pointing to the small metal to flip lock on the door, so no one can get in.

  I follow his directions and walk quietly over to the side of the bed. Trey watches me intently the whole way. “What’s up?” he asks still wearing that amazing smile of his.

  “Nothing, I just had to check something,” I tell him, slowly sitting next to him, keeping my feet planted to the floor.

  “Everything good?” he questions, scooting up against his headboard more. I just know I need to know whose perfume that is. I can’t sleep with him, thinking there’s a girl out there he still wants.

  “Yeah...no,” I honestly stutter out. “I snooped in your drawers,” I shamefully admit. If I could have left well enough alone, I’d be half naked with him by now.

  “Okay,” he patiently waits, not concerned about what I could have discovered.

  “I saw something in your drawer. A bottle—.”

  “Shit, Kailey,” he interrupts, shaking his head. “It’s not what you think.” He inches closer to me, swinging his own legs to the floor.

  “I know it shouldn’t bother me. I know you had a past, we all have pasts,” I begin to ramble. It shouldn’t have felt like a knife to the heart, but it does.

  “Fuck,” he mumbles and stands up. “I wanted to tell you, especially after you shared so much with me today. I just didn’t,” he closes his eyes and shakes his head before starting again. “I’m scared to lose you.

  Standing up, I reach for his face bringing his eyes to mine, “Is it another girl?” I ask, swallowing the large lump drying in my throat.

  “Yes,” he mumbles, and I step back, “but it’s not for the reasons you’re assuming,” he says, continuing to stand in place with the look of dread all over his face.

  “Then who? Just tell me, Trey.” I keep my voice low and concerned. The last thing I need him to think is I’m accusing him of something.

  “Let’s go,” he says, grabbing my hand and his keys.

  “Where are we going?”

  “You’ll see.” He pulls me through the door. The boisterous laughs of the boys mixed with sounds of clinking bottles and poker chips being tossed fill the downstairs. Trey sneaks us through the front door and to his car. “Hey, Mrs. F.,” he hollers across the street and waves to the lady across the way who’s collecting her mail before opening his car door for me.

  Silence fills the car, but his hand remains in mine, his thumb rubbing against my knuckles in a calming manner. I periodically glance at him while his eyes remain on the road ahead. How on earth can he be so relaxed? Oh yeah, he knows what he’s about to tell me. Thankfully, we only drive for ten minutes before he pulls into the historic house museum and country estate known for their numerous gardens, which occupy the acres of land.

  He parks the car, and I can’t help put be confused why he would bring me here. As soon as I step out, the smell of flowery scents fill my nostrils and embeds in my mind. I can’t help but compare it to the perfume that rests in Trey’s drawer. Taking my hand once again, he meanders us through the parking lot and up to the landscaped hill. As we walk by a blooming cherry blossom a light sweet scent lofts in the air.

  Trey’s hand hasn’t left mine since we exited the car, and his thumb keeps its motion across my knuckles. “This is nice,” I interrupt the silence, and his head turns my way, as though he forgot I was with him.

  “Yeah, they just opened for the season a few weeks ago,” he tells me. “I come here a lot,” he continues. I kind of already figured that out with the way he has us winding around the paths with a purpose.

  We finally end up in a large walkway filled with birch trees on each side. Small stones are embossed on the ground for us to follow. The trees loom over our heads and we suddenly become secluded from others. “Don’t you want to know why I come here?” he quietly asks me, his voice low and cautious.

  “I figure you enjoy it, the peace,” I say hesitantly, not quite sure why we’re here, but I’ll wait as patiently as I can until he’s ready.

  “The smell...the smell of the flowers takes me back to one of the happiest and saddest days of my life.” I look up at him and his face is blank, bearing no emotion. When I don’t speak, he begins again. “It’s similar to the smell of that perfume.” He finally glances down at me, pausing for me to agree. I nod wondering where on earth he’s going with this. “I want to tell you, I’ve wanted to for a while, but I don’t know what will happen, or how you’ll react.” He stops us in the middle of the walkway and peers left and right. Taking both my hands in his he stares directly into my eyes. His brown filled irises overcome with nervousness and worry as they dart up and down before focusing directly on mine. “I have a kid,” he reveals, and as hard as it is, I force my eyes to stay on his, taking a big breath. “I signed over my rights to her when I was seventeen,” he continues to divulge the information, and I hate it that a happiness fills me that I won’t have a baby mamma to contend with. “My girlfriend and I gave the baby up for adoption.”

  “I can understand that,” I admit, and I’m being honest, I can. Knowing Trey he was selfless enough to realize he couldn’t give the baby the life it would need.

  “Zoey couldn’t at first, but eventually she saw how much better off the baby would be. Since Zoey wouldn’t sign off right away, we got to spend two days with the baby until they arranged things with the family. It kills me every day, and there aren’t hours that she doesn’t cross my mind, but I know she’s healthier and happier than she would be if I would have kept her.”

  “Healthier maybe, Trey, but just as happy,” I ease him. Just from witnessing him with the kids today, he’ll make a wonderful father one day, but it’s got to be very hard for a seventeen-year-old to give a child the financial and emotional stability they need.

  “Thanks, so you don’t hate me and want to break-up?” he asks, and I gasp, amazed he thought I would.

  “God no, you made a choice very few people can. It shows how big your heart is that you put her first and your feelings second. I could never be mad at you for that,” I say, taking both my hands and placing them on either side of his face. “It did just the opposite,” I add, and he smiles down to me. “But what does this have to do with the perfume?”

  “Well, you might run now. The perfume was the scent of my ex’s, Zoey. But it’s not what you think. You know how a smell can transport your memory right back to a specific moment in time. You feel as though you’re living it all over again. Her perfume does that to me. Since she would hold the baby and then pass her to me, the smell was embedded into the blankets and her onesies. The last night that we were able to have her, Zoey fell asleep, and I kept the baby on my chest for the whole night. Laying back in the recliner, she curled up across my chest, and I stayed awake, watching every movement. Every nose wrinkle, open mouth, or eye open, etching them into my memory.

  “Zoey and I ultimately broke-up a month or so after we gave the baby up. Neither one of us had been able to forget. Actually, strike that, Zoey did a pretty good job forgetting almost immediately. Hence the reason ou
r relationship couldn’t survive it. It consumed me, whereas Zoey acted like it never happened. Not sure if that was her defense mechanism, to block it out or not, but it was complete opposite to the torment that consumed me every day. Anyway, after we broke up, I was starting to forget, the vision of her little baby face and the moments I shared with her were vanishing from my memory. I just couldn’t deal with it. I was walking through the mall one day, around Christmas, and all the perfume women were out spraying pieces of papers and handing them out to all the men. One lady handed me one, and I took it just to get them off my back, but then the smell hit me and instantly I was in that recliner with her on my chest. I saw her face and her blue eyes peering up at me. From that day forward, I always keep a small bottle of the perfume in the drawer. So I never forget, and I’m able to keep that moment with my daughter alive in my mind.” By this time, we’re out from the birch tree walkway and into the wide-open field with mounds of flowers at every angle. He slowly swipes a tear away that drops from his eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” I apologize, because I really have nothing else I could say.

  “Don’t be, I’m sure she’s in a great place. I’ve never regretted my decision, but I just want to keep her with me somehow.” He stops us to sit on a bench. After I take my seat, he follows suit. “So, the perfume isn’t to remind me of Zoey, I swear, Kailey,” he turns to me and his brown eyes are filled with relief.

  “I understand. That’s why you come here, the sense of smell is very powerful,” I say, remembering when I stepped out of the car.

  “Only in the spring,” he says. Then he wraps his arms around my shoulders. “Thank you for understanding.” He pulls my head down to his chest and lightly places his lips to the top a few times.

  A few minutes go by, Trey holds me close and his heart slows to an even pace. I pick my head up and kiss his neck, committing the smell of Trey to my memory because I never want to forget this moment with Trey, the moment that we gave each other our love. We may not have said it out loud, but our hearts intertwined together on this bench today.

  Chapter 10

  Trey

  The relief I feel at Kailey accepting my past is liberating as we walk hand in hand back to my car. I realize now I probably had no reason to worry about Kailey accepting my carelessness as a teenager, or that she wouldn’t understand my decisions. Family is at the forefront in Kailey’s life, so my worry that she might not fully understand how someone could give away a child that was a part of them was merited. I meant what I said; I’ve never regretted my decision. I may miss her and wonder what my life would be like if I had decided to keep her, but the same answer always resonate back; she’s in better hands with the family we chose. I reassure myself every day that she’s with parents who love her just as much as I do.

  We pull into the driveway, and I sigh seeing all the same cars still lining it. Jackass Rob’s Mustang is parked in the driveway alongside Dex’s truck. “Would you rather go to my place?” Kailey squeezes my hand to gain my attention.

  “Nah, they’ll eventually leave for the bar.” I climb out of the car to walk around to her side just as the dipshits file out of the house.

  “Let’s go, Michaels, party over at Kipernick’s. Last one before graduation,” Dex hollers, and then notices Kailey getting out of the car. “Never mind,” he says with a smile on his face.

  The other guys stare over and jokingly roll their eyes before climbing into Dex’s truck. “See you, jerkoff,” Rob calls over, and blatantly appraises Kailey. “Hell, if I had that hot piece, I might stay home too.” He chuckles and ducks into the back seat.

  My fists automatically ball up at my sides, but Kailey calms my rage instantly by placing her hand on my forearm. I smile down at her and those green eyes show me everything I want. There’s no way I’m wasting an opportunity to have her in my bed. Scooping her up, I knock the car door shut with my ass.

  She laughs and wraps her arms around my neck. I claim her lips as I walk us to the door. Just as I’m fiddling with the doorknob, her tongue swipes across my neck and sucks my earlobe into her warm mouth. The door swings open, and I’m about to step through the doorway when her body freezes in my arms. Pulling back, I question her abrupt stop and her eyes shift to the right to direction me. Following her line of vision, I notice Bridgette standing in her lawn staring at us with a look of disgust across her face. I give her a quick nod of my head to acknowledge her, and she just stands there, like a fucking lawn ornament. Then Dex’s truck backs up and stops by her. She hops in and flips me off through the window.

  Kailey tenses in my arms, her eyes focused on the truck pulling away. “Don’t worry about her,” I say softly, hoping she’ll take my advice and let us enjoy this night. We’ve gotten this far, and there’s no way I’m allowing Bridgette to stop us.

  “Trey?” I shake my head, not putting her down on the ground, thinking here we go; the moment between us is finished.

  “Yeah,” I murmur. “It wasn’t anything. It was—casual,” I admit, and she nods her head with obvious understanding of who I was and the girls I’ve had.

  “Kailey.” Her eyes land on mine, and I don’t miss the disappointment that currently fills them. “I wish like hell I could somehow change the past and take every damn girl and stupid decision back. I wish I could go back and tell myself ‘there’s an amazing girl that’s waiting for you to find her, just hold on’. But I can’t. I promise you, though, you have me, there’s no one else.” Her lips begin to creep up slightly, and I take my opportunity to capture them, this time for good. Kicking the door shut behind us, I carry her up the stairs while her fingers massage the back of neck and my tongue searches for hers. Her moans have me even antsier to reach the security of my bedroom.

  When I land on the top of the stairs, I vaguely sense a presence, but it’s not until Kailey giggles and stops kissing me that I realize Sadie’s there. She says, “Oh, don’t mind me, continue on.” She laughs, descending the stairs we just came up.

  “Finally!” Brady chimes in following Sadie.

  Ignoring both of them, we finally escape into my room, and I shut and lock the door before tossing her on the bed. She lightly bounces off the mattress, laughing the entire time. I double check the bathroom door and then climb on top of her. Slowly, I begin to kiss her neck, up the curve of her jawline, finally landing at her ear.

  She whimpers and widens her legs for me to fit in between. As soon as my hardness finds her center, she encloses those long gorgeous legs around my torso to hold me close. Grinding myself against her fuels the fire as moans of pleasure escape her throat. Hell, I doubt I’ll hold on long between the grinding and the soundtrack of desire echoing within the walls. Rising up on my hands, I stare down at her, the most beautiful girl lying under me with expectations I worry I can’t fulfill. All the confidence that’s usually flowing out of me in this situation has vanished, and now I’m shaking with insecurity. She needs more of me than I’ve ever given. She deserves to be cherished and loved. I pray I’m able to show her just how much she means to me. My fingers find the buttons on her shirt. Popping the buttons, her purple lace bra begins to peek out, and I groan when my knuckles graze across her hard nipple. Her legs give out and collapse against the bed, as her head falls back into the soft mattress. Watching her eyes leisurely close, my lips descend on her collarbone and travel across her chest until they plant in the middle of her breasts. I reach behind her and unclasp the two hooks. At least, my shaking hands are able to maneuver that like a pro.

  As leisurely as possible, I lift her shirt off and pull the bra straps down each arm, exposing a sight that’s occupied my dreams since the day I met her. Her smaller breasts with kiss size nipples are much too tempting. Wrapping my mouth over one pebble, I twirl my tongue, circling her nipple while my fingers pinch and play with her other. She arches her back, pushing her breast further into the wet, warmness of my mouth. When I withdraw from her breast, she whimpers, and I begin to travel down her stomach. That’s a good sig
n, right? Slowly kissing down her flat mid-section, my fingers find the button of her jeans and I pop it open. I place my teeth on the tip of the zipper and pull them down while my eyes seductively remain on hers.

  “Trey,” she pleads.

  “You’re so beautiful.” I slide my fingertips inside her jeans, and she squirms to help me discard them for her. The jeans flop onto the floor, and I trail kisses down one leg and up the other until I arrive back at her panties. Finding the matching purple silky fabric soaking wet, my finger teases her around the sides of her panties, feeling her trimmed pussy. “You’re so wet—so ready,” I whisper, and her hands run across my scalp again. Resting my chin at the top of her panty line, I stare up at her, and she peers down at me. The pull toward each other is so strong in this moment the doubt I can give her loving and caressing instead of hard fucking vanishes from every fiber of me and only leaving love.

  Hooking my fingers on each side, I slide the last piece of fabric off her body. My hands graze across her legs, up to her hips and lightly flows up and down her sides before tucking them under her ass. I cup it with both hands and pull her toward me. Starting off slow, I swipe my tongue along the center of her folds and when the nub of her clit hits my upper lip, I wrap my mouth over it, sucking it into my mouth. She wiggles her hips, but I hold her firm against me. Allowing my pierced tongue to play and excite her. I bring one hand up to push a finger into her and the sounds of her wetness has my dick weeping with the eagerness to get wrapped in her wetness. Plunging another finger in, she bucks against me, and my body is burning with desire to feel her. “Trey,” she whispers, gripping the sides of my head. Not letting up, I continue the rhythmic push and pull of my fingers while my mouth tantalizes her clit. Her body’s constant squirming signals she’s coming close, so I continue to thrust two fingers into her and curve them up to reach her g-spot. Instantly, her whole body arches up and her hips attempt to get away, but I keep her steady to allow her to experience the waves of pleasure. Slowing my tongue’s pace and resting my fingers inside of her, I patiently wait for her body to calm.