Let Me Love

by Michelle Lynn

  “It’s fine, Caden. I’ll leave now. Call me when you have news.” I hang up and make the dreadful walk back to Trey. He sits alone with his shoulders slumped as he stares into his fresh drink from the bar. Sam and Dex are long gone from the table, snapping pictures of the cake cutting.

  My shaking finger taps his shoulder, and his back rises and falls before he turns my way. No words are exchanged as he pulls the keys out of his pocket. I bite my lip from despair at the horrible place we’re in. I wish I could beg him to come with me, but his place is here with his friends.

  Placing my hand on his forearm and asking him to hold on a second, I maneuver through the chairs to tell Grant and Jessa.

  “Hi, Kailey,” Jessa says, embracing me immediately.

  “Um...I have to go. I’m sorry. Caden is taking Jen to the hospital,” I reveal, pushing back the tears that are waiting to be unleashed from my eyes.

  Jessa takes my hand and for the first time she gives me the sympathetic look that almost breaks the gates on my tears. “Go. If you need anything, you call us, okay?” I nod, and Grant gives me a hug. “Is Trey going with you?” she asks, and I shake my head. Her eyes dart to him, and then she smiles trying to conceal the pissed off look I witnessed.

  I say my goodbyes to everyone, and Trey silently begins to walk alongside of me as I leave the restaurant. The tension filled silence surrounds us, except the clicking of our shoes on the pavement. When we get to his car, he opens the door and hands me the keys. “I’ll get a ride with Dex.” I nod and climb in. The car purrs to life, and I roll the window down, wishing I could just speed away and escape.

  “I love you,” he tells me, leaning in and giving me a chaste kiss on the lips.

  “I love you too.” When I roll up the window and back-up as he rocks back on his heels with his hands stuffed in his pockets. I wonder if what we have is enough as I drive away.

  I pull onto the road purposely leaving the radio off. The car contains only the sound of the engine and the tires on the road. Once I’m alone in my thoughts, the tears break through. Everything I’ve been holding in comes bursting out with sobs, screams, and palms beating the steering wheel. Why is life so fucking unfair?

  Chapter 16

  Trey

  Seeing the taillights of my car pulling out of the parking lot fills me with dread that I’m not in it. I should of fucking driven her, but I’m pissed as hell. It was our night. One fucking night, and you couldn’t even give us that, I say looking up at the sky. I get it, Jen’s sick, and Kailey’s her sister. I wouldn’t expect her to do anything other than leave when she receives the phone call. It’s just I’m in desperate need to have her to myself if only for one damn night.

  The guilt of disappointing her just like I did someone else years earlier starts to eat away at me before I even hit the doors of the restaurant. I open the door and the cool swish of air hits my face. Although everyone seems to be dancing and having a good time, there are a few currently watching my every move. The few who know why Kailey just left. The few who are now curious why the hell I’m still here. I wish I could answer them, but instead I snag the bottle of Jack from the bar and disappear through the back door.

  Untwisting the bottle cap, I stare at the brick wall I just took her against less than a half hour ago. All of our times, float through my memory like a slideshow. Screw this. I stand up, leaving the bottle on the ground. My hand on the doorknob, I fling the door open to find Jessa standing there with keys dangling from her finger.

  “Thanks,” I murmur before grabbing them and running out to the parking lot.

  I have to check the keys twice, trying to figure out whose car they belong to, before smacking myself for not just hitting the panic button on the keyset to identify the car. Brady’s Camaro lights flash, and I jog over, hopping into the smooth leather seats. I pull out my phone and dial up Kailey, but it goes straight to her voicemail. I wish I could kick my ass for not asking her how serious it was that she left. If it is really bad, she would have said something, right? Shaking my head, I can kid myself all I want, but deep down she’d keep it from me, just to make sure I stayed. She’s so hell bent on me living the life she assumes I should. A life I don’t want any more if it doesn’t involve her.

  When I see my car in the driveway, I finally release a relieved breath. Not for my car, but for her. Mrs. Altman’s climbing down the steps just as I’m walking up the drive.

  “Hi, Trey. Don’t you look draper today,” her grandma voice shakes with her compliments. “Kailey too, she’s beautiful.”

  “She is,” I agree, and she places her hand on my forearm, giving it a light squeeze.

  “You’re a good guy, Trey.” She keeps going down the paved walkway, turning on the sidewalk. I watch for her to get into her house safely before going to the door. I’ve been here so often I have a key, but it’s on my keychain that’s currently in the house with Kailey.

  Knocking softly, I spot her image walking toward the door from the window encased within the wood. She unlocks the bolt and stands in the doorway. “Hey,” I say, “can I come in?” She doesn’t answer, but steps out of the way. I walk in and grab her around the waist, pulling her to me. “I’m sorry you love a dickhead.” My lame ass attempt to end this with humor.

  She doesn’t laugh. “You should have stayed. You belong there.”

  “I belong here. Anywhere you are is where I’m supposed to be.”

  She leans into me, and tears begin to fall. “What is it?” I ask her, pushing back and gripping her upper arms.

  “Caden hasn’t called yet. They’re at the hospital again. It’s the third time in two weeks. I just know, Trey, I just know—,” her voice shakes, and sobs begin pouring out of her. “The t-t-time is c-coming,” she stutters, and I grab her as tight as I can get her against me. Holding her head against my chest, I attempt to soothe her, but it’s too late. Kailey holds everything in until she can’t hang on anymore, so I know she just needs a release.

  I walk her through the living room and kitchen, positioning her on the couch in the family room. We sit in silence with only her labored breaths sounding the room. Eventually she collapses from exhaustion on my lap, and I pull a blanket down from the back of the couch and drape it over her. Loosening my tie, I slip my shoes off and turn on the television. My head falls back to the cushioned fabric with the light of the TV flickering in the darkness. All that I think about before my eyes lose the battle of sleep is, am I strong enough to get her through this?

  I’m awoken by Drew’s babbling and Chloe’s voice talking to him. I slide out from under Kailey and head upstairs. Chloe is on a step stool, reaching in to grab Drew from the crib. “Whoa,” I say, rushing over to pick him up. Chloe loses her footing right before I snatch Drew from her arms.

  “Trey, what are you doing here?” Chloe asks me while I make my way over to the changing table to change Drew’s diaper.

  “Well, good morning to you too,” I joke, and she giggles.

  “Did you sleep in Aunt Kailey’s room again?” The little imp caught me sneaking out of Kailey’s room one morning. Usually I wake up early and act like I slept on the couch. But the five year old private investigator caught me red handed in pajama pants and no shirt.

  “No, I was on the couch,” I answer her, rubbing the top of her head. Her hairs spring up from the static cling. She rolls her eyes just like her aunt would do, they’re more alike than they realize.

  With Drew in my arms, I instruct Chloe to go into her room. Turning on the television, I sit Drew in her lap to watch an episode of Dora. I escape into the hall and peer into Tara’s room. She’s at her closet, pulling out different shirts and pants out of the drawers and tossing them to the floor.

  “Tara?” I walk into the room trying to figure out what in the hell she’s doing.

  “Trying to find a dress. I want to wear a twirly dress.” She continues plucking every item out until she lands on a pink dress with green polka dots on it. I swear, who the hell designs clo
thes for kids? They’re always so bright and gaudy looking.

  “You have to put the clothes back in the drawer,” I instruct her, but she just ignores me, changing her clothes. Deciding that will be an argument for later, I turn to make sure Chloe and Drew are okay. When I get to her room, they aren’t there. Just the blare of Dora and Boots shouting ‘No Swiper, no’ fills the room. By the time I get to the top of the stairs, Tara grabs my hand. At least her independence means, I don’t have to dig up clothes and beg her to get dressed.

  I hear Kailey’s sweet voice before my feet hit the bottom of the stairs. When I reach the kitchen, she’s in her dress from last night mixing Drew’s oatmeal and pouring Chloe’s cereal. The girl amazes me. “Good morning,” I say and kiss her cheek. “I had dreams of slowly taking this dress off your body,” I whisper in her ear, and she shivers. I love it when I have that effect on her.

  All the kids sit down, and I grab Tara her cereal, while Kailey prepares the coffee. We really have already mastered this routine from all the times we either let Caden and Jen sleep in or Caden had an early class and Jen was too tired or weak. The eerie part is the kids don’t ask where their father or mother is this morning. It’s like they’re so used to having Kailey and I around they don’t think anything is different.

  We all go on with our routine, and I’m happy it’s Sunday, so I’m able to help Kailey. She’s been pretty quiet all day, keeping to herself. I hope it has more to do with Jen than my fuck up last night by not coming back with her.

  “Have you heard anything?” I ask Kailey.

  Her eyes peer to the kids and then back to me before her head gives me a small shake. My stomach drops. We all knew this day was coming, but just thought there would be more time. I hear my phone start ringing from the end table. Scooting the chair out, I stand and pick it up. When Caden’s name crosses the screen, I walk into the solitude of the garage.

  “Hey, Caden,” I answer.

  “Trey, are you alone?” his voice quietly asks.

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s bad. The doctors have suggested hospice. Jen is refusing to come home, insisting on going to a care facility. They’re transporting us by ambulance in an hour or so. I’ll be back today to pack a bag.” Caden sighs into the phone.

  “Don’t worry about things here, we have it under control. Stay with Jen. One of us can pack a bag and bring it up,” I inform him, my heart aching. My empathy for Caden and Jen has tears swelling in my eyes.

  “Thanks,” his relieved voice flows through the line.

  “No problem.”

  We hang up, and I have no idea what the hell is going to happen. Even though we all knew this time was coming, I’m not sure we’re prepared for the outcome. The thought of breaking the news to Kailey, is the most unnerving I’ve felt in forever. I have to go into that room and give the love of my life the worst possible news. Her sister is in her final stages and soon won’t share the same breathing space as her. There’s no way I’m telling her in front of the kids, so I hammer a text off, and thankfully, I not only have the best girlfriend ever, but my friends are pretty awesome as well.

  A half hour later, the doorbell rings, and Kailey curiously looks at me. “Who could it be?” I stand up sporting my pink necklace, bracelet, and earring to answer the door, fully aware I’ll be getting razed for this look.

  “I know you liked the piercings, but you’re taking it to a whole other level now,” Brady jokes, walking into the house. Sadie slaps Brady across the shoulders. Dex follows behind with boxes of donuts. “Sorry,” Brady says, realizing not a good time to joke.

  “Thanks, guys,” I say, and they each give me their own sympathetic look.

  “Always.” Dex shoots a tight smile while clasping his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it a little.

  Kailey stands up from the couch as soon as she hears the voices, staring at us from across the room. Her eyes shift between them to me, and her breath stops for a moment when she puts two and two together. A look of devastation occupies her beautiful face, and she whispers, “Did you call them?” With one nod, she’s sprinting past me and up the stairs.

  “Go,” Dex instructs.

  “Who wants DONUTS?” Brady exclaims in his most excited voice. I hear the girls screech, and their bare feet stomp across the hardwood floors.

  I find Kailey in Jen’s room, with a suitcase on the bed. “She needs her stuff. How long will she be there? I don’t know what to bring her. Oh, I’ll have to bring her face cream and mascara. She’ll die if someone sees—.” She rushes into the bathroom, and I follow.

  “Kailey,” I say gently, attempting to ease her into this.

  She continues tossing make-up into a small colorful bag. Her eyes look to the ceiling, as though she’s thinking about what else to bring. She has an ‘aha’ moment and steadily walks to Jen’s closet. Standing in the middle of the room, watching her scramble back and forth, I gather every ounce of courage in me. When she passes me for the fifth time, I grab her and pull her into my chest. “Relax, baby.” She melts into my embrace for a few minutes, but then she’s off again, talking to herself while grabbing clothes and Jen’s belongings.

  Instead of stopping her, I decide to help and get Caden’s things together for him. After we have the suitcases ready, I carry them downstairs while Kailey cleans herself up. Neither one of us has taken a shower, and I’m still wearing a wrinkled shirt and slacks.

  Dex has the girls on each shoulder, pretending they’re on a roller coaster. They giggle as his body walks around the house dipping and rising. “Try not to injure them,” I say with an edge to my voice. When I turn the corner, Sadie has Drew in the highchair, giving him small amounts of a glazed donut, and Brady sits on the couch with the remote in his hand. “So, we’ll be back,” I begin to explain, but the sound of Kailey’s footsteps stops me.

  We say our goodbyes, and I tell them I’ll text or call as soon as I know what’s going on. Caden texted me fifteen minutes ago that they’re on the way to the hospice facility. I drop the suitcases in the trunk and climb in next to her. After reversing out of the driveway, I grab a hold of her hand; coldness replaces the usual warmth.

  “I’ll be with you every step.” My words are sincere and honest.

  “Thank you.” I soothingly rub my thumb across her knuckles, and she clamps her other hand on top of our entwined fingers.

  She stares out the window for the half hour drive. The silence between us saying everything. We know what the future has in store for us. The despair, depression, and sadness will become our norm for an intermittent time. But, I’ll see her through it, and we’ll get to other side together.

  The small one story brick building looks nice and well-kept. I follow Kailey with the suitcases in my hands. The front desk area is adorned with plants and nice calming colors of pale pink and green. A friendly lady stares up at us with a wide smile that shows her perfectly white teeth. “How can I help you?” Her eyes glance at the luggage in my hands before focusing on Kailey again.

  “We’re here to see Jennifer Campbell,” Kailey tells her, and the woman’s lips turn down, but quickly even out. The huge welcoming smile is no longer present.

  “Mr. Troutdale, our facilitator would like to have a word with you.” She places her finger up in the air, while picking up the phone. After a hushed conversation she hangs up and instructs us to have a seat.

  “What’s this about?” Kailey asks when we take our spot in the designated chairs with a table of magazines fanned out in front of us.

  “Not sure, maybe to give us more information.” I shrug my shoulders.

  Five minutes later, a tall man with greying hair and a slender build emerges out behind a locked door with two police officers on either side of him. His determined steps in our direction, tells me it’s Mr. Troutdale, and I’m completely confused as to what is going on.

  “Kailey Reynolds?” he questions. She looks at me and then stands up, shaking the hand he has out.

  “That’s me,�
� she answers, her voice beginning to shake. I stand up beside of her, and the police officers give me a double take.

  “Can you come with us?” he asks, and I pick up the luggage.

  “Oh, you can leave those here, Wendy will watch them.” I skeptically narrow my eyes in his direction, but he places a perfectly composed stature across his face.

  This time Kailey grabs my hand, instead of the other way around. I bring our hands to my lips and kiss the back of her hand. We follow Mr. Troutdale and the two police officers through the locked doors.

  Chapter 17

  Present Day 72 Hours Later

  Trey

  By the time I get out of work two days after she ripped my life away, my mind is a blur, and I’m exhausted from two nights of no sleep. I check my phone and there are no texts or missed calls. Briefly, I debate if I should call her again. She has to come around eventually, she’s just grieving. Right? This has been the wedge in our relationship from the beginning. I’ve constantly had to fight against some image in her head of what my life should be. It’s my life and my choices. To be honest, I still imagined myself drinking and partying at this age. Not my now usual routine of putting the kids to bed and then crashing with Kailey on the couch to watch some dumbass reality show about millionaires who can’t find love. But that vision shifted as soon as Kailey sat down next to me on that airplane. I just need to get her to believe that.

  The parking lot of the funeral home is packed. Finding a spot in the back of the lot, I take a deep breath before opening the door. This is my time. She can’t run or dodge my calls. She’ll have to face me here and allow me to comfort her and show her that we’ll weather this storm together.