No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

  Back at the hotel, Kenny had joined India and JJ for a much needed drink as the whole evening’s events finally began to catch up with everyone.

  “I can’t do it,” she whispered, sitting down on the edge of one of the large sofas in the living room of her and JJ’s London hotel suite.

  Both JJ and Kenny looked at her.

  “Can’t do what, baby?” JJ asked, sitting down next to her.

  She looked at him. “I can’t do this movie. Not with him directing it, I can’t do it. I can’t work so closely with him. I can’t.”

  “What do you mean, you can’t do it?” Kenny asked, leaning back against the wall, taking a drink from his bottle of beer.

  She looked up at him. “I mean I can’t do it, Kenny, what do you think I mean? I’m not working with him; I can’t.”

  She got up off the sofa, JJ following her as she went over to the window, looking out at the view down below, the Christmas lights giving a colourful edge to an otherwise dark and gloomy British winter night.

  “You can’t just walk off a movie, India,” Kenny went on. “You can’t do that, not when we’re ready to start shooting. Come on, think about it.”

  She swung round to look at him again. “I’m not working with him, Kenny. Are you listening to me?”

  “She’s upset, Kenny, just leave it will you,” JJ said, trying to take India’s hand but she pulled it away.

  “Too fucking right I’m upset, and I’m angry. How dare he? I should have been told. This isn’t right. It’s not right. Why didn’t he tell me?”

  “Maybe because you weren’t speaking to him,” Kenny said, taking another drink.

  “Can you quit with the fucking attitude?” JJ looked at Kenny, who in turn looked away, scuffing his boots against the skirting board as he looked at the floor.

  “Can you both just shut up for a second?” India moved away from the window, leaning back against the dining table, folding her arms. Her head was spinning, she couldn’t think straight. Now that the interview was over all she could think about was Michael. Seeing him, it had turned her whole world upside down and nothing felt right anymore. “I can’t think with you two going on.”

  “We’re not going on, we’re trying to help,” Kenny said.

  “Well, don’t. I don’t need your help; I just need to be on my own.”

  “Come on, India, don’t do this,” JJ said, coming over to her, slipping his arms around her waist, and for a second she let the familiar, safe warmth of his arms keep her calm for a while. “You really need to think about this, baby. Don’t make any rash decisions; don’t do anything you might regret.”

  She pushed him away, going back over to the sofa, sitting down on the arm.

  “I’m not working with him, Joe; will you get that into your head? It’s not happening.”

  He turned round and looked at her. “What did he do to you, India? What did he do that’s made you hate him so much? Come on, tell me, because I don’t understand any of this.”

  “You don’t need to know,” she said quietly, not wanting to get into any of this right now. She didn’t have the energy.

  “I don’t need to know?” JJ laughed, pushing a hand through his hair. “I’m your fucking husband, India and you tell me I don’t need to know? I don’t need to know what he did to you that’s made you act like this? That’s got you so upset you’re talking crap ...”

  “Can you both just leave me alone, please? I can’t think straight with you two here.” She got up again, unable to sit still.

  “No, no I won’t leave you alone. I’m your husband and I love you and I don’t like seeing you like this. What’s me leaving you alone going to achieve?”

  “Some fucking peace, that’s what.”

  “Well, I’m going nowhere, honey, so you might as well get used to it.”

  She just looked at him, then at Kenny, who seemed to be keeping well out of it now, and walked back over to the window.

  JJ followed her, swinging her round to look at him, keeping hold of her hand and refusing to let her go or turn away from him. He was going to get to the bottom of this, he was going to find out just what kind of hold Michael Walsh had over his wife and why she was finding it so hard to even talk about him.

  “No secrets you said, India. No secrets, yet here’s one huge secret staring us right in the face, right here, and you can’t even bring yourself to tell me what that is. What’s that supposed to make me think, huh? How’s that supposed to make me feel?”

  She tried to look away, afraid to meet his eyes incase she said something she regretted, but he kept his hand on the side of her face, making her look at him, giving her no choice but to look at him, his beautiful brown eyes on hers all the time he spoke.

  “I just want to know, baby. I just want to know what he did that was so bad.”

  She felt tears pricking the back of her eyes as she looked at him and she didn’t know what to do. She just felt totally lost.

  “I can’t, Joe,” she whispered. “I can’t.”

  “Can’t what? You can’t tell me? Or you won’t tell me?” He let go of her, pushing a hand through his hair. “Jesus, India, what the fuck is going on here?”

  She looked over at Kenny, who just threw her a look that told her what she already knew. This had gone too far now.

  “Joe, please ...”

  “No, India! No! Enough! I’ve had it with this bullshit, I’m not putting up with it, I deserve better than that. I deserve to know.”

  “He raped me, ok?” She hadn’t meant to be quite so blunt but she was tired. She was tired of everything. “He raped me.” Her voice was quieter but the tears had now started to stream down her face and she couldn’t stop them.

  JJ just looked at her for a second, trying to take in what she’d just told him, making sure he’d heard right. “He ... he did what?”

  “Don’t make me say it again, Joe, please.”

  JJ didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he’d expected her to say but it certainly hadn’t been that.

  He went over to her, gently touching her face as she looked up at him with the eyes of a vulnerable, hurting child, and he just snapped.

  “I’ll kill him! I’ll fucking kill him, God help me ...”

  “Joe, baby, no, please. Please, Joe, just calm down ...”

  JJ sat down, pushing both hands through his hair again before standing up and pacing the room. What was he supposed to do? He just wanted to beat the crap out of Michael Walsh for hurting her like this, for putting her through that. She was his wife and he loved her beyond anything imaginable; he just wanted to protect her, to keep her safe from crap like that. From crap like Michael.

  “Joe ...?”

  He looked at her, knowing she was the important one here, not him. How he was feeling didn’t matter. He had to deal with it, just like she had.

  “Why didn’t you tell me, India?”

  She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and looked at him. There were so many things she hadn’t told him. This was only one of them.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t think it mattered.”

  “You didn’t think it mattered? Jesus ...” He turned to look at Kenny. “And how do you feel about this? Why the hell aren’t you baying for his blood, this is your best friend he hurt, you’re supposed to love her too. Why aren’t you angry, why aren’t you ...”

  “I already knew.”

  India hadn’t wanted Kenny to do that, she hadn’t wanted him to let JJ know that. This was all going wrong. She felt her stomach sink and she almost felt sick as she watched the look on JJ’s face change.

  “You ... you knew? You knew he’d raped her?” He looked back at India and her heart broke as she looked into his eyes, eyes that were hurt and tired and angry. “You told him but you didn’t tell me? I’m your husband, India; doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

  “Of course it does …”

  “But you told him.”

  Kenny looked at India, putting hi
s drink down and walking over to her. “I’m sorry. India, I’m really sorry; I didn’t mean to do that.”

  “You shouldn’t have told him, Kenny. I asked you not to, I told you in confidence, and you shouldn’t have told him.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I can’t believe you did that after I ... I told you not to say anything to anybody.”

  “And that makes it alright, does it?” JJ asked, not able to get his head round any of this, it was too much. “Keeping it a secret makes it all alright? I’m just the husband, what right do I have to know what’s going on in my wife’s head but the best friend has every right in the fucking world!”

  “Get over yourself, will you?” Kenny said. “She needed to tell somebody, for fuck’s sake, does it matter? She told me before you two were even anywhere near serious so quit with the sanctimonious crap, this isn’t helping.”

  “Neither of you are helping.” India grabbed her jacket. “I’m getting out of here, I can’t think in this atmosphere.”

  “You’re just walking away?” JJ said. “You’re just gonna walk out and leave after you drop something like that on me?”

  She looked at him. “This isn’t about you, Joe.”

  “India ...” Kenny tried to stop her leaving but she pushed him aside.

  “I just can’t think, Kenny. I’m too angry. Too confused.”

  Kenny looked at her. “Angry with me?”

  “Yes, angry with you. Bloody angry with you.”

  She looked at JJ, who was pacing the floor again, hands shoved deep in his pockets. She should have told him. She should have told him a lot of things.

  “Joe ... I’m sorry.”

  He looked at her. “Don’t be sorry, India. Just stay and talk about this, please.”

  “Just let her go,” Kenny said. “If she needs time to think ...”

  “No, I won’t just let her go. I want to talk to her; she needs to talk about this.”

  “You’re making it worse.”

  “What the fuck has this got to do with you anyway? And if you already knew about this what the hell did you do about it, huh? If you love her as much as you say you do, if you care so much about her why didn’t you do something?”

  “I fucking did, ok? I did.”

  India stood still and stared at Kenny. “Sorry? You what?”

  Kenny ran a hand through his hair, avoiding her eyes for a second.

  “Kenny? Answer me. What did you do?”

  “I confronted him, that’s all.”

  “That’s all?”

  “I’d have killed the fucking bastard.”

  “Not helping, Joe.” She looked back at Kenny. “When? When did you confront him?”

  “In Vegas. When you went to see Charley and Vince, when Lily was born.”

  “You were there? And you didn’t tell me?”

  “If I’d told you you would’ve stopped me.”

  “Of course I would have stopped you, Jesus, what did you do?”

  “Not enough, obviously.”

  She turned to look at JJ. “Like I said, that’s not helping. What did you do to him, Kenny?”

  “I told him what I thought of him, I told him what I should have done to him.”

  “Is that it?” India asked. “Is that all you did?”

  “For fucks sake,” JJ sighed, leaning back against the wall, pushing a hand through his hair. “He raped her and all you do is tell him stuff?”

  “There was a fight.” Kenny looked at India, and she stared back at him.

  “A fight?” She didn’t know if this night could get any worse. Kenny should have told her what he’d done; she hadn’t even known he’d been in Vegas. He should have told her. “What kind of a fight, Kenny?”

  She felt Joe take her hand and squeeze it and this time she didn’t pull away.

  “I threw a few punches. He threw a few back ...”

  India looked up at the ceiling for a second, biting down on her bottom lip to try and stop herself from crying. “Did you hurt him?”

  “Are you defending him?” JJ asked.

  India looked at him. “No. I am not defending him, Joe, but he’s Ethan’s father. I can’t forget what he did to me, but for the sake of my son I’ll do what I have to to make sure that little boy knows nothing about what happened because he loves Michael, and he needs his daddy. He needs him. But seeing him again has brought it all back for me, and I’m going to have to deal with it all over again and that’s hard enough without all of this from you two. I didn’t want to see him again, least of all like this, but … but I don’t want him hurt. For Ethan’s sake.”

  The tears had started falling again and JJ moved closer, reaching out to her but she backed away towards the door, shaking her head.

  “No. I just need some time, ok? I just need some time.”

  “And we need to talk about this, India; you’re in no state to go anywhere.”

  “Leave her, JJ.”

  JJ swung round to look at Kenny. “I think it’s time you left, don’t you?”

  “Not really, no. This has got as much to do with me as it has you.”

  “Oh, you think so do you? Do you want to think again?”

  “You’re pushing her too hard. She isn’t ready to talk about it yet.”

  “I’ll decide whether I’m pushing her too hard, ok? This has got fuck all to do with you, she’s my wife.”

  India grabbed her bag and opened the door. “I’ve had enough of this. You two can get on with it because, right now, you’re making me crazy. I need some space.”

  “India ...”

  “Leave it, Joe! Just, leave it.”

  She shut the door behind her, leaning back against it, closing her eyes. She had no idea where she was going she only knew she needed to get away. She needed to clear her head and think about things. She needed to think really hard. And work out just what it was she was going to do next.

  CHAPTER 65

  Michael needed to get out, he needed some air. He felt as though the room was closing in on him, the claustrophobia all encompassing. He’d waited so long for this to happen, to see her again, but none of it was feeling like it was supposed to. Had he thought she was just going to come running straight back into his arms? Had he really spent all these years thinking that’s what was going to happen? That’s what he’d dreamed of, but reality was a whole different ball game. It was cruel and he hated it.

  He closed the door of his hotel suite behind him and turned around, pulling his cap down further over his eyes as he got ready to brave the English winter night, but as he looked up he stopped dead in his tracks. And suddenly he didn’t want to go anywhere at all.

  ***

  India hadn’t realised he could be in the same hotel as her, the thought hadn’t even crossed her mind but it was now blindingly obvious that that’s exactly where he was. For six years she hadn’t seen him at all and yet now, in the space of a few hours, she couldn’t get away from him. It was like some cruel trick, some bad coincidence. But she couldn’t take her eyes off him. She couldn’t break the stare. Six years of missing him, six years of still wanting him, even after everything he’d done, six years of pain and heartache like she’d never felt before – six years of keeping him out of her life because she knew, deep down inside, she knew that everything she was feeling now was going to happen if she saw him. And it was happening and it scared her. It scared the hell out of her.

  “You look incredible.”

  Just hearing his voice brought back a lifetime of memories, tears stinging the back of her eyes. Things she’d tried to forget because to dig them up again was just far too painful. Stupid things, like the time he’d done a voiceover for a big animated film that Ethan had got on DVD because his daddy was the voice of the Tiger, and she hadn’t even been able to sit with him while he’d watched it. She hadn’t been able to sit with her son while he watched a movie because just hearing his daddy’s voice hurt like hell. And it still hurt now.

  She kept looki
ng at him, looking into those blue eyes in a face that looked no older, even the beard hadn’t aged him.

  “You look different,” she said, her voice almost a whisper.

  And still she couldn’t stop looking at him; she couldn’t do it, even though every inch of her was screaming to get away from this situation because she wasn’t sure she was ready to handle it just yet. And then, with an involuntary reaction she wasn’t sure her brain had totally sanctioned, she reached out and touched his face, her fingers running over his beard, resting lightly on his mouth, her eyes following every movement, almost as if she was watching someone else do it and she was just the observer.

  “We should never have got to this,” she said, her voice still a whisper, the tears building up behind her eyes, making her voice crack slightly. And then it was as if something had snapped her out of a trance and she pulled away, stepping back from him.

  “India ...”

  “I have to go, I need to go.” And she had to. She really had to get away from him because in the past few hours a barrage of feelings she’d kept locked away were now coursing out of control and she had no way of reigning them in. She needed to think; she needed to not be here right now because being here was dangerous. It had taken so long to get her world back into some kind of order and now he was here and he’d turned it all on it’s head again and she had no idea what to do or how to feel. She should be with JJ. That’s where she should be.

  “We need to talk.”

  She looked at him again. He’d once been her world. Until he’d destroyed it.

  “Talk? You think we need to talk? About what, exactly?”

  “Us.”

  She shook her head, still looking at him, taking in every inch of his face as his eyes locked onto hers. “There is no ‘us’ Michael. Is there?”

  “Please. Just come inside. Out here, we’re only going to draw attention …”