No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

  “I’ve got to go, Michael.” She needed to break the stare but she couldn’t, why couldn’t she? She was stronger now, wasn’t she? She could deal with this. So why couldn’t she just turn around and walk away?

  He slowly opened the door of his room and stood aside, and like the weak- willed woman she knew she’d become she walked inside, turning around as he closed the door behind them. And that’s when it hit her, when it hit both of them. Like a bolt of lighting that came out of nowhere her whole body felt it, that familiar feeling of desperation, this time mixed with confusion and fear but it was there and it was sapping every ounce of strength away from her. Which he could sense, he could feel it, of course he could. Six years of wanting this woman, six years of hating himself for what he’d done to her, six years of needing her back. Six years of building up to this moment.

  It wasn’t a surprise, not really, it had been going to happen from the very second they’d laid eyes on each other, so when he pushed her back against the wall, his fingers closing around hers, she didn’t fight it. She didn’t want to, not this time, but she kept her eyes open, staring right at him, at the man she’d tried so hard never to see again, and that just made him want her more, the intensity building as they began tearing clothes off, desperate to see each other like that again, desperate to touch and feel what had been missing for six years. It was like a bubble had surrounded them and the world had gone away as she finally closed her eyes, waiting, just waiting until his mouth lowered down onto hers in a kiss that made the tears stream down her face because it was wrong, so wrong, but it still felt like heaven. Despite everything he’d ever done to her, even through all that pain and heartache she’d only ever wanted to feel him like this again, to feel his mouth on hers and his fingers on her skin. For six years she’d hated him yet she’d still wanted him inside her and now he was, pushing into her with a force that brought it all back to her all over again but she wanted it this time, she wanted him. It wasn’t right, it shouldn’t be happening but she knew now that she’d never stopped wanting him. No matter what he’d done she couldn’t stop loving this man. Even though she should.

  She opened her eyes again, looking right into his as he pushed harder and deeper, her fingers clinging tightly onto his as they reached that inevitable climax together, and a feeling of what she could only describe as sadness washed over her with a speed that made her start crying, because everything had changed now. Everything was different, and it was the most terrifying feeling imaginable.

  “India, baby, I’m sorry …”

  She pushed him away, pulling herself together as she tried to find something to wipe her eyes with. What the hell had she just done?

  “That shouldn’t have happened.”

  “It was always going to happen, India. You and me …”

  She looked at him, right into his eyes as she tried to gather any scraps of strength she had left together again. She had to do that.

  “Like I said, Michael, there is no you and me.”

  But, as she closed the door behind her, she knew as well as he did that that just wasn’t true anymore.

  ***

  Ray was more tired than he’d thought he was. Getting up out of his chair he rubbed the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, walking into the kitchen, putting his empty glass down in the sink. The place was a mess but since his divorce he hadn’t really got the hang of tidying up after himself. He didn’t think it important. He was hardly ever here anyway so what was the point?

  Just thinking about his divorce made him need another drink and he opened the fridge, taking out a half full bottle of wine, looking for a clean glass in the disorganised cupboards around him.

  It hadn’t been a particularly painful end to his marriage but it had still been hard. And all his fault. He hadn’t put the effort into making everything that was wrong right again and there’d been times when he hadn’t even wanted to bother. His ex-wife hadn’t really deserved the apathy he’d given her. It had been his fault and he knew that and he was dealing with it. Amongst everything else that was going on in his head.

  He found a glass and filled it to the brim with the rest of the wine, tipping the bottle upside down to get every last drop from the bottom, taking a long drink from it as the doorbell rang.

  He looked at the clock. It was after midnight, who was calling at this time? He figured there was only one way to find out and he walked out into the spacious hallway, slowly opening the front door.

  “Hello, Ray.”

  “India … I ... I wasn’t ... this is a surprise. It’s late, what are you ... I mean ...”

  “Can I come in, Ray? It’s bloody freezing out here. I’ve lived in L.A. for eighteen years don’t forget; this British weather is killing me.”

  “Sure, sorry, of course you can come in.” He stood aside to let her into the hallway, still having no clue as to why she was here but something had to be wrong. Just a couple of hours ago she’d been there on the TV with his brother, announcing their marriage and looking stomach-turningly happy, and now she was here. So something had to be wrong.

  She looked at his over-full glass of wine. “Are you having a night something like mine then?”

  She’d had to get away, after what had happened with Michael. She couldn’t go straight back to JJ, not yet. And the only other place she could think of to go was here, with Ray.

  “Sorry?” He followed her gaze and laughed. “Oh, this. No, I just fancied a drink ... what kind of night are you having anyway? Why are you here, India? I watched you on TV, I saw the interview. Everything seemed fine.”

  “Yeah, well, it wasn’t… it isn’t.” She headed off into the kitchen, opening cupboards, looking for another glass, crouching down to take a bottle of red wine out of his wine rack then proceeding to open draws, trying to find a corkscrew.

  “Is it you and Joe?”

  She started to open the wine. “No. It isn’t me and Joe. Not really.”

  He raised an eyebrow. It was obviously a Foster trait. “Not really?”

  She threw the cork aside and poured herself a glass of wine, taking a large mouthful as she looked at Ray.

  “I saw Michael tonight. I saw him, just before the interview, and it’s kind of, well, it’s shaken me, that’s all.” She shrugged. “I haven’t seen him in almost six years and it was a shock. And to cap it all off I find out he’s also our director. Did you know about that?”

  Ray leaned back against the counter. “No. I had no idea. I was waiting for the announcement tomorrow, like everyone else. Is that why it’s been kept under wraps for so long? Because of the history between you two?”

  India took another drink and shrugged again. “Who knows?” She felt the tears start to well up again and turned away from Ray for a second, blinking them back. “It’s just been a long day and a stressful night.” He didn’t know the half of it. “I’ll be fine.”

  Ray looked at her but said nothing. He got the feeling she wasn’t ready to talk about it just yet.

  “Ray, this place is a state, do you ever tidy anything up?” She started gathering plates and glasses together, opening the dishwasher and stacking them in there. “I don’t know how you can live like this; can’t you get somebody in to help you?”

  “India, you really don’t have to do this.”

  She continued to tidy things up, clearing work surfaces and opening cupboard doors, obviously looking for something.

  “Have you got any J cloths? Anything to wipe down these surfaces with? You’ve really got to get sorted, Ray.” She gathered up a load of empty take away cartons and shoved them into the bin. “And you can’t live on that stuff constantly; it’s not good for you.”

  “India, will you just stop that? Please?”

  “It’s keeping me busy, I need to keep busy.” She felt the tears threatening again as she started to vigorously clean the counter tops.

  Ray put his glass down and went over to her. He could see she was getting upset. “Come on; let’s go into t
he living room.”

  She threw the cleaning cloth into the sink and looked at him.

  “I’m sorry, Ray. I shouldn’t have come here, I shouldn’t have come here and put this on you, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s ok, really, it’s ok. Come on.”

  She took the hand he held out and followed him into the large and cosy living room. He sat down on one of the sofas beside the fire and she sat next to him, putting her glass down on the table in front of them.

  “Do you want to tell me what’s happened?” he asked, looking at her as she wrung her hands, staring straight ahead of her. “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but ...”

  “It’s complicated, Ray. Everything’s so bloody complicated.”

  “Does Joe know you’re here?”

  She shook her head. “He doesn’t know where I am. But him and Kenny, they were just too much, they weren’t helping. I had to get out of there, get my head straight.”

  “Shouldn’t you let him know you’re alright?”

  “I’m not eight, Ray. I can look after myself, and he knows that. I’ll go back to the hotel soon; I just needed some time out.”

  “So, what’s all this about? And don’t say nothing because you wouldn’t be here on my doorstep at half past midnight on a Saturday night if it was nothing.”

  India looked at him. “What I’m going to tell you has to be kept absolutely secret, Ray, and I mean that. Joe’s only just found out himself, which is half the reason why this has all happened.”

  “I won’t say a word. I promise.”

  “I need you to mean that. I need you to really mean that. Because this gets out and it affects my little boy, and I don’t care how it affects me but when it comes to my son I’ll protect him, no matter what.”

  “I promise, India.”

  She sat back, pulling her knees up to her chest, hugging them to her, taking a deep breath before she started to explain things to Ray. She told him everything about Michael, about what had happened in the past, right up to what had happened just a few hours ago - although she missed out the part where she’d had sex with her ex-husband, almost as though not talking about it would make it feel like it had never happened - and it felt almost cathartic to be able to get it all out there, to talk to someone whose first reaction wasn’t to immediately hunt Michael down.

  Ray listened, watching her as she spoke about things that had to be hurting her, things she’d obviously kept bottled up for far too long, but now he knew, more things made sense. Including their night together.

  When she’d finished he sat forward, wanting to take her hand and tell her it would all be ok but he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t comfort her in the way he really wanted to. That was the job of his brother now, and he just hoped that JJ could see past what Michael had done and realise it was support India needed from him, not anger.

  “Jesus ... India ...”

  “It’s a bit of a mess, isn’t it?” she sighed. A bigger mess than she’d let on, that was for sure.

  “How can you forgive him?”

  “Who says I have?”

  He looked at her again as she continued to hug her knees tight to her chest. She looked tired and drawn, her face a mask of pain and confusion.

  “Are you serious about the movie? About pulling out?”

  She pushed a hand through her hair and looked at him. “Being so close to him, seeing him every day ... it might be too hard, Ray.” And wasn’t that the truth.

  Ray looked down at his clasped hands. And he’d thought his life was complicated. “Reece is bringing Ethan over soon, isn’t he? Maybe seeing him …”

  She sighed. “That just throws up another problem though, doesn’t it? Ethan has never, ever seen his mum and dad together. Never. He’s six years old and he’s never seen his parents in the same room before. How is he going to feel when he sees us together? What’s that going to do to him? He’s going to be so confused, Ray. He’s going to ask questions and I don’t know what I’m going to say to him because, Jesus, what kind of a fucking mess have me and his dad created now?”

  “Hey, come on …”

  She took a deep breath, trying to get every confusing emotion in check. Because she had to. “I can deal with this,” she said, biting down on her bottom lip to try and stop more tears from falling.

  “It’s a lot to deal with, India.”

  She looked at him. “I haven’t really been fair on JJ. Have I? I should have told him the truth about Michael from the beginning.” She stared deeper into Ray’s piercing green eyes, eyes so different to JJ’s deep, dark ones. “I should have told him about us.”

  Ray couldn’t break the stare. “Told him everything?”

  She looked away, starting to fiddle with her wedding ring, twisting it round her finger. “No. Not everything.”

  Ray didn’t say anything for a minute. He was just trying to take it all in.

  “You’ve been through a lot tonight, India. Are you sure you’re ok?”

  “I will be. Tonight’s just been strange ... not what I expected.” She looked at him again and for a second their eyes locked together, no words spoken. Just like that night five years ago. “What did we do, Ray?” Her voice was quiet.

  “Nothing we should be ashamed of.”

  “How can you say that? You were married, you had a wife and I knew that and I still went through with it, and you let me. You didn’t stop me, you didn’t stop yourself. Some of the things we did ...”

  “... were incredible. They were incredible, you were incredible and I don’t regret a second of it, India. Not one second.”

  “You were married, Ray.”

  “I don’t regret a second of it. I couldn’t stop myself, India, I just couldn’t. Something drew me to you, something I couldn’t explain. I had to have you. I had to. And at the time, you wanted me too, didn’t you?”

  She looked away from him and nodded. She couldn’t lie. At the time she had wanted him. She’d really wanted him, and she’d needed him. She’d needed something, anyway. Someone.

  “But what happened afterwards, India we ... we need to talk about that, we have to, because we never did, did we?”

  “There was nothing to talk about, was there?”

  “Jesus, India, how can you say that?”

  She wouldn’t look at him, couldn’t look at him. And she didn’t want to talk about this, not now, not tonight.

  “You were married, Ray. There was nothing to talk about.”

  “You pushed me away, India. I didn’t want to go, you know that, don’t you? I didn’t want to go, but you pushed me away.”

  “Because I had to! I had no choice!”

  “Yes, you did! You did have a choice, India, we both did.”

  She shook her head, looking back at him. “I’m sorry, Ray. I’m so sorry.”

  He reached out and took her hand, an automatic reaction and she didn’t pull it away. “There were two of us involved ... both of us ... both of us should have talked about it, we should have done that.”

  “But we didn’t.” Her voice was quiet again, silent tears falling slowly down her face. “What did we do, Ray?”

  But he didn’t reply, just watched as she stood up, gathering her things together.

  “There are things we need to talk about, India.” He got up too, going over to her. “My head’s all over the place. There are loose ends that need to be tied and you can’t deny that.”

  “Not now, Ray. Not tonight.”

  “When, India? When are we going to finally talk about what happened? When are we going to do that? When are you going to face up to everything and remember that it affected not just you but me as well?” He looked at her and she stared right back at him, her eyes red from crying, and he felt a pull on his heartstrings so fierce it almost made him breathless. “It affected me too,” he whispered.

  “I know. But I can’t do this right now, Ray, please understand that.”

  All of a sudden she had an overwhelming
need to be with JJ. She just wanted to be with her husband. She wanted to hold him and tell him she was sorry for keeping secrets from him. She just wanted to be with him. Even if there was still one secret she couldn’t tell him. Make that two.

  Ray felt almost crushed inside, even though he knew this wasn’t the right time for this discussion. She was right. He shouldn’t be pushing this now. But he couldn’t let it go either, and she sensed that.

  “Do we really need to bring everything back up again, Ray?”

  “Yes. I think we do. It’s unfinished, there are questions unanswered, and I need to be able to close the door on this because … because I haven’t been able to do that. And I don’t think you have either.”

  She started fiddling with her wedding ring again. “What about Joe?”

  “He doesn’t need to know.”

  “More lies, Ray. More secrets and more lies.”

  “You aren’t lying to him, India. You’re not telling him anything, so you can’t be lying.”

  “I’m keeping secrets from him, Ray. Big secrets, something you’re making me re-live all over again and that’s hard for me because I love him and I’ve already hurt him once tonight.”

  “He doesn’t need to know,” Ray repeated. “It happened before you met him; it’s got nothing to do with him.”

  She turned away and walked out of the room, back into the kitchen, grabbing her bag. “If he finds out ...”

  “He won’t. I’m not going to tell him, and who else knows?”

  She looked at him, the desire to be with JJ now taking her over and she just wanted to go to her husband.

  “Thanks for being here tonight, Ray.”

  “Anytime. You know that.”

  She turned to go but something made her turn back around and look at him again. “Ray ...”

  He looked back at her, amazed at the way she could look so tired and drained and yet still be one of the most beautiful women he’d ever seen.

  “I know, India. I know. If things had been different ...”

  ***

  JJ didn’t know where she was. She wasn’t answering her ‘phone and he was worried. She’d left in a state and he shouldn’t have let her go but he’d had no choice, not really. Taking in what she’d told him had been difficult to hear, and finding out that Kenny had already known made it even harder, but he had to think about India now. What he felt was irrelevant. But it didn’t stop him from feeling anger and frustration that he couldn’t do anything. Even Kenny had had a go while he’d done nothing. And he was her husband.